A/N: here I go taking that creative license that goes along with writing fanfiction. *grin* I really couldn't help myself when faced with writing about my favorite characters of all time. It was far too tempting.

Chapter 9

Edward sat quietly, taking a moment to appreciate the familiarity of his favorite chair. There were times when he felt like all he did was sit and wait for the hours and days and years of his existence to pass by. But there were also times when he felt like he was always on the move, constantly thinking, searching, and working to make the most of whatever he could fit in to each day. Lately this had been more of the norm and he was now finally happy to sit and relax for a bit. His concerns and worries over the past several weeks hadn't disappeared entirely; he didn't feel like his problems had been resolved, but he did feel like he was finally on the right path.

It was a futile effort and he knew it, but he felt better for considering it anyway. At this point there were still several hours remaining before it would be an appropriate time that he could go to Bella, so he was busy using the time available to rethink everything that had happened over the past few days and he was currently questioning whether he should actually skip his favorite nightly ritual in favor of studying his options more thoroughly. In the end he would go to her, he would selfishly sit by and watch her in her most vulnerable state, fantasizing about what he could not, and by all rights should not have, but he was powerless to resist her.

As he sat quietly thinking, he tried to focus on the 3 journals that he had spread out before him. They were all similar in appearance and wear, though they were several decades apart in age. He'd chosen these 3 tonight because the compositions contain within each of them were likely the best source of information concerning his current predicament.

One of the oldest journals he possessed was a book that he still regularly made use of to this day. It was a running commentary that included facts and theories concerning his condition, known as vampirism.

It would seem that Carlisle had unwittingly started a bit of a tradition within the family when it came to chosen fields of study. Each member of the family had an abundance of time on their hands and as years went by each and every one of them had taken the time to learn as much as possible about medicine and science in general. They all had various limitations considering the special circumstances they were forced to endure but like Carlisle, Edward had managed to complete all of the traditional courses generally required within the study of medicine. It was never discussed openly but Edward, having the abilities that he did, knew that they all had the same hope that perhaps the knowledge they gained from the advances in science, that seemed to occur daily over the last 20 years or so, could help them live a more normal, if not easier existence.

Blood type does not seem to matter, nor does the composition of said blood sample. When a small sample of venom is introduced the reaction is always the same. Whether the sample is healthy or tainted by disease, whether it is human or animal in origin, it matters not. The vampire venom, no matter the donor, consumes the sample entirely. Starting first with the white cells, presumably to avoid any resistance, as it then moves on to all remaining elements.
As the venom eats away at the blood sample it multiplies in volume so that once it has obliterated any trace of the life giving substance it becomes all that remains.

Efforts to introduce any number of medications or other foreign substances to the process prove futile. The venom rejects any additional source of nourishment, leaving behind a pure sample of whatever medication has been attempted once the blood has been completely altered.

Each time Carlisle had been made aware of some new life altering medication, experimental or otherwise, they had attempted these trails. And each time, much to their disappointment, the results were always the same.

Edward had always been a part of these experiments and he'd taken to making note of each and every attempt to counteract the affect of the venom that had turned them into these creatures that he so despised.

At first it was not even an attempt to fix their situation or prevent its spread to others, but rather an attempt to understand how this could happen in the first place. The science behind what took place when the venom entered the human bloodstream was light years beyond any current knowledge held by the medical world at the time.

As time went on and technology started to improve the experiments became far more complex. For example, it was now known that the venom consumed all aspects of the original blood supply within the first 72 hours following its introduction. Once the venom had fully replaced the blood supply the transformation into what is referred to as a vampire would then be complete. Because blood was no longer present within the body, the venom now filled the void, acting in much the same manner. However the need for a vampire to consume blood was directly related to the blood's absence. Venom alone could not sustain a body; it needed a food source. So with the consumption of blood one could keep the venom thriving and therefore continue to "live" and function.

Edward set aside the depressing evidence that confirmed he could not change what he was, and began rifling through one of the other journals instead.

I couldn't cry. I still can't. I sat for the better part of two hours on the verge of tears that would never come before finally confronting Carlisle and what he had done to me.
When I did he tried his best to explain what had happened to my body but he was woefully unable to answer many of my questions.

Edward flipped beyond several pages before stopping to read yet another entry that he'd made shortly after his transformation.

It would seem that the venom has now taken over every aspect of my being. I no longer want for food of any kind. I only crave what the venom wants, which is blood.
My happiness is dependent on the amount of blood I have consumed. Likewise my temper is kept in check or rages out of control because of my eating habits.
Emotions are no longer subject to the various hormones and enzymes my body once produced because of situations or surroundings I might have found myself in. They are instead the direct result of the venom within my body's need and desire for nourishment.

Edward sighed heavily. It was depressing to relive the discovery of such troublesome facts. He and Carlisle had searched for many years to uncover as much knowledge concerning their mutual condition as possible and to this day they truly knew very little. Most of their theories were nothing more than educated guesses or beliefs based on limited interaction with others sharing their similar experiences.

Edward set aside the older of the three journals and open the last one he had before him. He was making every effort to be gentle with this one, as it had seen more abuse than most over the past several weeks. It housed the memories he most cherished, his thoughts and discoveries concerning love. This was the journal that had suddenly become the one that he would treasure always.

My body's initial response to Bella frightened me beyond all imagination. This thirst for her blood threatened to undermine everything that I have strived to overcome for all these years. I recall feeling out of control and unable to censor my thoughts and fantasies concerning her demise.
And though I cannot claim that I have completely conquered my thirst, I suddenly find a very different type of fantasy plaguing my thoughts more so than any other.

It embarrassed Edward to read this passage almost as much as it had when he'd written it, but admitting his weaknesses where Bella was concerned was important to him. It made him feel accountable and possibly worthy.

It made sense on many levels that his body would react to her presence. Because of his mind reading capabilities, Edward had intimate knowledge of the thoughts and memories of those around him and he knew that a male vampire's body functioned and responded to stimulation in much the same manner as a human's would, as a result. What surprised him however was that his response had been so abrupt and without warning. It had been a long time since he'd felt his body act in a manner that he did not consciously dictate and he was frightened by the lack of control he seemed to possess.

Scientific explanations could not help him. He knew that his body no longer produced hormones. His heart no longer beat. His lungs were technically, no longer necessary. All the same his body still continued to function. He was accentually frozen in a permanent state that mimicked what he was at the moment of his transformation. The fact that he was a virginal 17-year-old boy at the time shouldn't really play into this equation but he was beginning to think that it did explain at the very least this overwhelming sense of discomfort, considering the foreignness of the situation that he was now trying to analyze.

There had been nothing sexual about the exchange between them. It was nothing more than a simple touch -- a feather light caress of her smooth porcelain skin.

And there it was again. Edward closed his eyes and let his head rest against his hand, his fingers tangling in his hair in frustration as he felt his body react all over again. Just the memory of her face, the memory of the way she felt under his touch was now enough to bring forth these feelings. The venom started to flow through his body at a more rapid pace. His muscles coiled and became rigid in his excitement. He felt a shift in his ordinarily stagnant condition, which both thrilled and terrified him.

"Hey Edward." Alice sang happily, knocking lightly on his door while opening it all at the same time.

He jerked a bit from the surprise, having been so absorbed in his own thoughts that he didn't anticipate her entrance. If he still had red blood cells within his body he just knew that in that moment he would rival Bella's ability to blush like no other.

Alice of course caught his reaction and giggled a bit, unable to stifle her initial reaction to seeing such an uncommon look of confusion and discomfort pass over his features.

"What do you want, Alice?" he questioned, wondering whether she truly had a reason to be here just now or whether she might have "seen" the reaction he'd have to her interruption and just had to make sure she could witness that for herself.

"How are you feeling?" she asked sincerely instead of answering, much to his annoyance.

"Confused, frustrated, nervous," he glanced up and gave her a meaningful look before adding, "annoyed, take your pick."

"Will you be going to sit with Bella tonight?" she asked without so much as blinking.

Edward gave her another pointed look, as if challenging her to ask another question she didn't already know the answer to.

"And you can stop reciting the preamble to The Constitution over and over and just have a normal conversation with me instead, you know." He added, while closing the journals that still lay open upon his desk.

"Don't be so grumpy, Edward." She responded, calling off her mental distraction tactics that she often liked to employ when she felt the need to keep something hidden from his probing mind.

"I know you're confused and rightfully concerned just now." Alice sighed before continuing with the same though process, only this time she spoke aloud. "I know what you've been going through today. What you've been experiencing around Bella lately."

Edward grimaced slightly at the intrusion, although he already knew without a doubt that Alice would be privy to his latest problems. Hearing it stated so bluntly from a woman he felt so close to was embarrassing, though he knew that Alice would never judge him for something he couldn't control. And he was indeed convinced that there was no controlling this.

If that were even a remote possibility of that, he would be encouraged by this development instead of being terrified by it, as he was currently.

"I would really rather not talk about this." Edward expressed, while shifting his position in an effort to hide this predicament that fortunately was going away on its own thanks to his discomfort with the present situation.

"I just came by to check on you and to tell you that everything looks fine for the weekend at this point. I know you didn't count on this newest...issue, but maybe it's a good sign."

"Alice…" he attempted to argue.

"Seriously Edward! You've been beating yourself up for weeks now, denying your attraction to Bella, insisting that it was only bloodlust and not love. And I know that you think that this type of reaction only comes from the stimulation our need to feed produces but you just don't know!"

Edward wanted to protest but he could see that Alice was well on her way to getting good and wound up so he just let her continue without interrupting for now.

"I've seen it Edward! Something poignant is going to happen between the two of you, there is no way around it. Your destinies are entwined at this point, there is nothing you can do to prevent whatever may happen from here on out, the only thing you can do is make sure that the outcome is positive and leads toward the best scenario for everyone."

"Alice, if I act on any one of the many desires I have were Bella is concerned I can promise you with a reasonable amount of certainty that it will NOT be the best scenario for ANYONE." Edward reluctantly admitted once he was convinced that Alice had completed her miniature rant.

"You love her, Edward," she argued, "and so do I. I refuse to believe that you are capable of harming her at this point. You are much too strong for that"

"She makes me weak, Alice." Edward explained, shaking his head.

"Don't you dare blame her for your weakness!" Alice protested.

"I would never blame Bella for anything. It is a simple statement of fact; she has the ability to bring me to my knees. I'm am nothing more than a pawn ready to do whatever her heart desires."

"And suppose she wants your affection?" she challenged.

"She already has my affection." He sighed.

"And if she wants you to show her?"

Edward hesitated in his response.

"Show her how much you love her, Edward." Alice was all but pleading at this point which made Edward lower his defenses and take notice. "I miss my brother." She told him with a rather guarded expression that threatened to break his heart. "and I am more than ready to gain another sister."

Edward rose from his seat and took a few short steps to where his sister had been standing as she confronted him and held his arms open, inviting her to embrace him. It wasn't often that Edward opened himself up to such affectionate displays but with Alice he definitely had a soft spot that he couldn't deny.

Edward enveloped the tiny girl and let his chin rest atop her head. "Alice, I am convinced that Bella's arrival in Forks is not something entirely random, but perhaps fate coming into play. I cannot and will no longer deny that I am truly in love with the girl but I have to handle things the only way that I know how and that is by moving slowly and carefully analyzing my options." He explained.

Alice looked up and smiled one of her brightest smiles.

"Sunday?" she beamed.

"I think if things should go well for us on Saturday it would be wise to move forward and it would only be logical to introduce her to everyone officially. Don't you think?"

"Oh Edward, I can't wait!" she squeaked, squeezing him hard enough to shatter a rib or two had he not been a vampire himself.

"Please try to not frighten her away. I do love her, you know" he smirked seeing Alice preen with satisfaction, enjoying his new ability to speak so openly about his connection with Bella, as she had predicted.

"Oh, you could totally introduce me tomorrow at lunch." She absently thought as she turned away to leave him finally.

"We'll see." Edward chuckled.

He really couldn't help but love Alice, she was definitely a bright spot in his ordinarily dreary world, so full of energy and excitement over some of the most mundane things, but at least she had passion.

Edward fell back into his old wooden chair and took a deep breath. He looked at the books splayed out over his desk's surface and smiled. Tonight his journals wouldn't be necessary, it was instead Alice that he'd needed. He confided his worries and troubling thoughts to her and she's provided the advice and encouragement he needed.

Edward stepped off of the ledge on the far side of his room and dropped the 20 feet or so to the gravel below. He stuck his hands in his pockets as he walk slowly towards the wood line at the end of their property. He would go find a little something to satisfy his thirst and then he would be off to see his Bella.

As he walked slowly into the night he smiled. He was 108 years old but he was trapped in the body of a 17-year-old boy. He'd studied and pondered his condition for years but it would seem that some things would never be discovered and some things would never change. He, for once in his life, was actually grateful that his libido seemed to indeed be intact. Whether he was ever in a position to, or ever strong enough to share any sort of physical affection with Bella, at least this was in some way a reminder that he was at his very core, nothing more than an ordinary man.