AN:
The poem at the end of the previous chapter was "Odi et Amo" by Catullo. It's a very beautiful poem. Hope you've like it.

Chapter 9

BECA POV

10 months and 7 days since it all started

"What was that?" I did hear Chloe actually, but I wanted to understand what she meant.

"Nothing" she whispered.

"No, you said something. Repeat it, now"

"C'mon Becs, let it go" Jesse intervened.

"I'm not going to let it go" I snapped at him.
"Chloe, can you please repeat what you told us?"

I was being stupid. I knew it. What kind of reaction was that? And what I was trying to gain from this argument?

"I said have fun" the redhead finally repeated.

"No Chloe, you said 'have fun together'. Care to explain what you were implying?"

"I was not implying anything"

"Beca, it's nothing. It's not worth it. You know that" Jesse tried to step in between, again.

"Listen to him. As always" another dig at the relationship me and Jesse had in the past.

Seriously? That's where she wants to go?

"Don't you dare speak about my past relationships Chloe!" I finally shout at her.
"You don't know anything. And that's your fault. Not mine.
Don't you dare speak as YOU were the one hurt!"
I grabbed Jesse's hand and stormed away.


The lake where we were used to go fishing was full of fishes.
During the short period our group had spent here, Jesse and I had enjoyed catch fishes almost every day;
if we hadn't gone on a mission for another kind of supplies, obviously.

The bank was composed by polished rocks;
our game was searching for rocks with strange shapes.
Jesse always prevailed.

Words were unessential when we were there.
We were good with our silence.


"Becs…What was all of that about?" Jesse decided to break the unspoken rule of our silence.

We were sit down, blending the rocks under us.

When I answered him, I stopped my hand:
"I don't know. I saw red. And I'm not talking about her hair. I just…she doesn't even look in my eyes anymore. She's angry with me for what I've done to her cousin…"

"You may have saved her cousin Beca, you don't have to feel guilty for anything" he put his hand on mine, caressing it with his thumb.

"I know! I know, but SHE makes me feel guilty. And I don't want to. I'm tired Jesse, I'm so tired of this feeling inside of me that tells me I'm not enough" a tear was threatening to drop.
I removed my hand from under his, too uncomfortable at the touch.

"But you are Beca. You are enough. You are enough for me!"

Did he really say that?

"I…"

"Don't, Becs. I know…I-It's just that...It's easy to feel lonely in this world sometimes you know"

"I know…But we can't"

"Why?" he whispered, starting with blending the rocks again.

"We spoke about it already Jess. We're not meant. We can't be more than friends. We tried, and it was killing us"

"I made some mistakes. But it's in the past. I can fix us…" he kept whispering.

"It was not purely your fault and you know that. I couldn't give you my heart Jesse and…" I was going to finish my sentence when he kissed me.

His lips felt rough against mine, a sensation that I never felt when we kissed in the past.

I was feeling something unknown and I didn't understand if I wanted to embrace it or not.

But I was confused. I was mad. I was hurt.

So I kissed him back.

I parted my lips for him, letting his tongue explore my mouth after so much time.

I could feel his body getting closer to mine, making me uncomfortable.

When his hand came resting on my chick I realized what we were doing. What I was doing.

I pushed him away.

The shock on his face made me realize I did something stupid:

I made him believe we could've got back together.

"I don't feel the same way Jesse…I'm sorry…I'm really really sorry" and I stormed away, away from him and away from my fucking problems.


When I reached the tent tears were already streaming on my chicks.

On the way back I came across Amy, who asked me if I was ok, and Stacie and Aubrey who were speaking on a fallen tree. Worthless saying I didn't even bother to answer their worried questions.

Probably 5 minutes had passed when I heard the zip of my tent being lift.

I was lying down, with an arm on my eyes to cover them and the other hand strumming lazily the strings of the guitar Chloe gave me.

"Go away" I said, leaving my arm on my eyes, denying myself the possibility to know who it was. It didn't even matter, either if it was Jesse who wanted to apologize or Aubrey who wanted to know what was happening. I wanted to be alone.

"Beca…" a soft voice called me.

I sit down immediately, recognizing the voice that pronounced my name.

"Don't move Beca…" the redhead said, sending shivers down my spine because of her low tone.

"Chloe what are you doing?"

"What do you think I'm doing?" I could see a smirk on her lips.

"I…Well…I-I think you've…you've mistaken the tent…?" I tried to joke. Completely taken aback by the redhead's behavior.

Chloe just kept smirking at me, cradling her body against mine.

A moan was threatening to escape my mouth.

"What's goin-" but Chloe crushed our mouths together.

Is it 'kiss Beca to make her shut up' day for Christ's sake?

The redhead lips felt completely different from Jesse's: softness was the first thing I thought of.

However, contrary to Jesse's kiss, which was gentle and sweet, Chloe's was full of anger and disappointment.

She essentially imposed me to part my lips so that our tongues could fight in a fiery battle for dominance.

I felt Chloe's hands come up between our bodies and grip my shirt, pulling me roughly against her.

My hands started toying with her beautiful red locks.

Chloe's hands were traveling down my hips when I felt them slide under my shirt, making me shiver for the direct contact with our skins.

"God…" I moaned detaching my lips from hers.

Grabbing Chloe's hair in my hand, I bended her head slightly to latch onto the redhead's pulse point. I could hear her groaning at the contact and I smirked at the effect I was having on her.

Removing my lips from her neck I finally looked in her eyes.

She looked back at me and…

Is it…?

She advanced with her face towards me, diverting her eyes at my lips, but I placed a hand on her chest stopping her from closing the little distance.

Confused, she looked me in the eyes again.

"You hate me" I whispered between myself.

I could see that feeling deep in her eyes.

"Get out" I whispered in a low voice, still aroused from what had just happened.

"What?" Chloe asked me confused.

I diverted my eyes to a corner of the tent.

"I said, get out!" I repeated.

The redhead was still taken aback by the change in my demeanor;

she tried to kiss me again, but I stopped her immediately, again.

"Don't you dare kiss me. GET OUT!" and I tried to put some distance between us crawling backward.

"You want this!"

"You're STILL mad at me!"

"But you can have me!"

"I don't want you like this!"

"You're wasting an opportunity!"

"No, I'm not. You don't want me!"

"I…"

"Leave me alone Chloe!"

It seemed I convinced her since she went quite; I was waiting for her to exit when she floored me with a slap on my cheek. Just after that she left the tent, leaving me in shock with my hand touching the part of the skin she hit and which was probably already red.


Chloe's actions ruined my attempt to sleep so it was worthless lingering in the tent.
I buried my head in my hands and my throat went sore because of the many 'fuck' I repeated.
That, however, didn't release me from the anger the day had brought out of me so I took my guitar with the intent to go playing in some place isolated.

I was already out of my tent when I saw Timothy turning his attention towards me and smiled;
he was with Chloe, Aubrey and Stacie; the redhead had probably joined the duo after leaving my tent.

I wonder if she told them what happened.

The boy approached me and pointed at the guitar I was holding.

"I was going to play some songs. Do you wanna come?"I smiled softly.

He shook his head.

"Oh well then, I'll see you around" and I was going to part from him when he grabbed me by my guitar, making me turning back my attention at him.

"What?"

He just looked me in the eyes.

"I'm starting to hate your word strike you know?" I sighed.

Maybe he wants to hear me play but he doesn't want to leave the group. I wouldn't blame him after what he went through…

"Do you wanna hear something here?"

He nodded.

Chloe was right about me being good with kids.
Who would have said that?

I looked at the 3 girls.
They were watching my exchange with the boy with a little smile on their lips, except for Chloe of course:
she was just looking at Timothy with a look I couldn't decipher.

Not so distance from them I saw Benji, Unicycle and Jesse speaking animatedly.

Jesse probably sensed someone was watching them because he turned his head around and noticed it was me: his eyes lost the light they had and darkened, from pain.

I could sense he was having an internal battle about approaching me or not and he unfocused his attention from Benji and Unicycle; I made a weak smile hoping he could understand I didn't blame him for his actions. I then shook my head to stop him from coming to me and in reply I gained a bashful smile from him.

"Well bud, I think I have the right song to sing to you. But it's been a while since I played so don't judge too harshly" I smirked at him.

I sit down and Timothy sit next to me.

I was left-handed, but I learned to play the guitar from my mother who was right-handed so the instrument Chloe gave me was good.

Jesse had focused on his friends again but when he noticed I was going to play the guitar he started glancing at me from time to time waiting for me to sing.

"Just…ehm…It's a song I wrote a few years ago…I was supposed to use a capo but well, I don't have it with me now so…I hope I will be able to play it anyway"

I started strumming on the guitar, trying not to play too hard because I didn't want for the walkers to invade our camp.

I missed the feeling of the strings under my fingers.

I made the last chord before the verse and then I started singing:

Well maybe I'm a crook for stealing your heart away

Yeah maybe I'm a crook for not caring for it

Yeah maybe I'm a bad, bad, bad, bad person

Well baby, I know

My eyes were closed

I was trying to focus on the words.

And these fingertips, will never run through your skin

And those light brown eyes can only meet mine across a room

Filled with people that are less important than you

It was time for the chorus and I opened my eyes.

I looked at Jesse and I knew his heart was aching.

All cause you love, love, love when you know I can't love

You love, love, love when you know I can't love

You love, love, love when you know I can't love you

I made the last round of chords and then I stopped.

I was still looking at Jesse when I felt a little hand rest on my thigh.
I looked at Timothy and smiled at his gesture.

The boy stood up and he joined his aunt who took his hand and they both went somewhere.
My view blocked by Aubrey's body.

"We have to talk Beca" she said inflexible.

"Yeah we surely have to" I smirked, looking at Stacie who was trying to light a fire.

"Not about me and Stacie"

"There's a 'me and Stacie' then mh?" I kept joking.

She blushed.

Has something happened without me noticing?

"I'm serious Beca"

"All right, all right. But you're trying to hide something there" I waved my hands between her and Stacie:
"We have a long night in front of us girl"


I decided that since we would have stayed awake to speak, me and Aubrey could have been the one on watch for the night.

"So…that song mh?" Aubrey said, stinging a log into the fire.

"Yeah, that song…"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about. One moment I'm speaking with Jesse and the other he's kissing me. I kiss him back because I so damn want to love him. But I don't. And Chloe proves me right because she creeps into my tent and kisses me too and I'm feeling all that bullshits they say you feel when you kiss the one. But she hates me, she so fucking hates me. But she has no right. I'm the one who has to be pissed. She didn't speak to me for years, not even a message or a postcard. And what's the first thing I do when I find her again? I hug her. I just hug her. Like I didn't cry for her every night. Like I didn't leave Jesse because of her" I stopped opening my eyes wide at my affirmation.

I've never confessed it out loud.

"So you left him because you loved her…" she whispered.

"I..."
Saying it out loud makes it so real…
"…When Chloe went away, leaving me behind, I started asking myself if I was enough. If she left me without a goodbye because she didn't care about me, you know. And that created some friction between me and Jesse…"

I kept speaking:

"He always wanted to see movies. It was like…like he wanted to change me…like he wanted to make me something I was not. I was not enough for him neither…"

"He just wanted to make you understand one of the most important things to him. He just wanted to make you see the world as he saw it"

"But I didn't want to…"

"And why's that?"

"Because I liked how I saw the world. I-it was the way Chloe made me see it"

"You've always loved her world" the blonde turned her attention at me and smiled softly.

"I've always loved her" I stated.

AN:
"Love love love" by Of Monsters And Men
I changed the lyrics a little to adapt 'em at the situation, but I don't claim any right on the song.