a/nThanks to my girls, you know who you are. To Sue and Andrea, thank you for making my words pretty and Katie, you are my sunshine.

All recognizable characters and quotes are the property of Stephanie Meyer, I'm simply playing around with New Moon.

With this chapter, I'm taking a bit of artistic licensewell, more soand playing, just a teensy bit with the timeline

Prior chapter synopsis: Bella came to the realization that Edward lied. She wrote letters to the Cullens and Alice showed up to make sure the family received them. Alice called Edward, who was still moping in an attic. The family read the letters. Edward came back. Every one is angryand I suck at recaps.

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"Loving can cost a lot but not loving always costs more, and those who fear to love often find that want of love is an emptiness that robs the joy from life."

Merle Shain

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end of last chapter:

"I'm so sorry," she whispered before she showed me a place I knew all to well.

A small clearing, not too far from Bella's house. One tree stood out from all the rest, a lonely sentinel to allthe destruction that had occurred there, not so long ago. And an envelope, fluttering softly in the wind witha name written on it in Bella's handwriting.

My name.

Edward,

I've started this letter at least ten times, yet can never seem to finish it. It's either too much or not enough. Much like the person it's addressed to. I'll just start with the truth.

I know you lied.

What I don't know is why you lied. Most likely some misguided attempt to keep me safe, I imagine. Regardless, you're gone and I'm still here. I'm left with nothing and everything at the same time. Forbidden to remember, terrified to forget. Actually, that's not right either. How could I possibly forget?

You touched every part of my life. You're part of my soul. There is no forgetting you.

I think that's what cut the deepest. You truly believed that I would just…move on. Like it would be so easy for me to just let us go. It makes me think you never really knew me. And that hurts more than you could possibly imagine.

Tell me Edward, did your distractions help you? Did you have one second of peace? One tiny moment where you weren't thinking about me, or us, or your lie?

My money is on 'no.'

But of course, you justified that, right? Your silly Bella, the naïve little human whose feelings couldn't possibly be as strong as yours. I should have been able to just shrug my shoulders and chalk it up to shitty luck, right? Be sad for a minute, but then give into Newton's advances before the week was out. Is that what you were hoping for? Did you really think so little of me and my love for you?

Because that's exactly how it feels, Edward.

How many times did you tell me I was unlike any other creature you had ever come across? That you never knew what I would do or say? Is it really that much of a stretch then, that when it came to matters of love, that I would be different there too? Or did that never cross your mind?

I've spent so many days and nights aching for you. Literally aching.

Tears did nothing to soothe the pain; neither did screaming. I pulled out the stereo Emmett and Rose gave me in a fit of anger, but all that did was cut up my hands. I had to give up music, because all I could think about when I listened to it was you. I couldn't sleep easily because all I could dream about was you. There's no safe place. You said it would be like you never existed. You lied more than once.

It would be so much easier if I could just hate you. If I could just deem your actions unforgivable and curse the day I met you, but I can't.

I don't know exactly why you did what you did.

I know, deep down in my soul, that I belong to you. My very essence is yours and nothing can change that. Sometimes things are destined. It's my fate to love you. No matter how much pain that brings me.

I just wonder how long you plan to keep fighting something that we have no control over. Or if you even realize that you have no control over it.

.

The paper was shaking, making the words jump and dance across the page. I took a sharp, deep breath before realizing that I was the one shaking.

Bella had seen through my lie. Her willingness to accept it as truth that day in the woods had broken my heart, but, by thinking so little of her feelings for me, I had done the same to her.

I closed my eyes and swallowed thickly. For the millionth time since leaving, I wished I could cry. I craved the emotional release so badly; it was an acute ache in my chest. I hastily scrubbed my eyes for the umpteenth time, before reading the letter again. I had been sitting on a felled log in the little clearing behind Bella's house for several hours. I knew I was supposed to return home, but I couldn't bring myself to leave. Emmett hadn't shown up in a rage, so I figured all was well.

Had I doubted Bella's capacity to love? I knew the answer. It was an emphatic yes. I had doubted her feeling from the moment I realized I loved her. I had to keep re-reading her words, my mind unable to truly wrap itself around the concept. I truly had believed that my kind loved more deeply, fully and wholly than humans. I had seen it too many times to count. Love would fade as easily as it began.

But Bella always did have a way with surprising me.

I stood, tangling one hand in my hair while keeping a tight grip on my letter with the other. I began pacing blindly, lost in my thoughts. My emotions were jumbled and I felt slightly unstable. I was angry, but at myself. I felt a singing despair, which seemed to spear straight through me. But mostly, I felt an overwhelming love. It radiated through my whole being. I didn't know what to do with myself. I continued to worry the ground; I was lost.

The ebony tones of the night sky were slowly lightening into a violet shade as I allowed my feet to carry me to and fro subconsciously. I didn't realize my heart's true destination until an engine turning over broke me out of my trance like state. I watched from the edge of the tree line as Charlie cast a worried glance towards Bella's open window before shaking his head and pulling away. I allowed my eyes the gift of drifting to her window as well, Alice's warning echoing throughout my memory.

I decided I was content to simply be so close to my reason for being, her incredible but torturous scent wafting around me, and her heartbeat echoing in my ears. And I was content until my whispered name hit my ears. Before I could register the movement, I was balancing precariously on the branch just outside her window. One brief look wouldn't hurt, I decided.

Her eyes were tight around their closed edges, but beyond that she was an angel at rest. The hair I had become so used to burying my face in at night fanned across her pillow. Her blankets were knotted and twisted around her legs. Her sleep had not been peaceful, it seemed.

"Edward."

The pained whimper speared straightthrough my stone chest and I was through her window before I could blink. I wanted to touch her, bring her some semblance of comfort, but I knew I couldn't. I no longer had the right to do so. Instead, I willed myself to be delighted with simply gazing at her slumbering face. And I was.

I hummed her lullaby gently and watched in rapture as the tension slowly melted off her face. A swell of pride ripped through my chest. I was insanely happy that I could still offer some form of comfort, even if she didn't realize it.

That feeling was quickly replaced with sinking horror as one magnificent, burnt coffee eye opened owlishly and gazed at my terrified face. Every instinct screamed for me to run, disappear back into the early morning mist and hope that she believed I was nothing more than a waking dream.

No such luck.

"Edward," her sleep laden voice cracked.

I flinched.

"What are you doing here?" Her tone was flat. Angry.

I shrugged.

"Get out." I could do no more than hang my head. I knew I should pick what was left of me up off her floor and leave but I couldn't. I needed for her understand. I needed to apologize.

"Bella, I'm so –, "she cut me off.

"No!" Bella sat up quickly; her sleep disturbed t-shirt falling down across the flat expanse of her stomach. "You don't get to apologize. You don't get to just waltz back into my life like you didn't destroy it!"

A pillow whizzed by my head as she stumbled out of her bed. Her bare milky legs shook slightly as she tripped towards her dresser and she grabbed a pair of faded jeans off the top.

"Leave, Edward," her tone was both pleading and commanding. I wanted to obey, but I couldn't bring myself to leave without one more attempt.

"Please, Bella, you have to understand, my intentions were never meant to be anything but-"Once again I wasn't allowed to finish.

"What? Honorable? Please, Edward. My vision might not be as good as yours, but I assure you I can see things for what they truly are." She spat her words as she pulled a Henley and sweatshirt over her head. "You know what? Fuck it. You just stay here if you want. I'll fucking go."

I opened and closed my mouth several times, looking much like a fish, I'm sure, but could find no words. I watched as her glorious anger was replaced with a quiet determination.

"I don't want you, Edward." Those burnt coffee eyes I adored in unhealthy ways sparkled with a flame that set fire to my entire being.

"You don't…" I whispered a little too brokenly, my unnecessary breaths coming more quickly. I closed my eyes, bracing myself for the torture that had already commenced inside my heart. Inside my mind.

"I understand," I mumbled pathetically.

"I don't think you do," she whispered, bringing my eyes to hers. They were no longer burning me, but held an unfathomable amount of despair within their depths. "I don't want you like this. I want the real you, all of you."

She walked backwards towards the door to her bedroom, keeping eye contact the whole time.

"When you decide if you can give me that, come find me. If you can't…there's nothing left for us to talk about."

And then she was gone.

Her words echoed throughout my mind.

All I could hear: I don't want you, Edward.

All I could think: Is this how my lie made her feel?

Still sitting hunched on her bedroom floor, I was unable to move. I cradled my head with one hand, while I rubbed the spot above my heart with the other. The pain was so intense it reverberated through my bones.

I was too late. Too stupid. It was over.

But was it? Her parting words inspired hope. She wanted the real me.

The only problem was, I wasn't exactly sure what that meant. She had always had me. All of me. How could she not see that? Vibrations from my pocket alerted me to a text.

Did I not say to come straight home? Did I not say to not go to her, even though you would be tempted? – A

I grimaced. Had this been what she'd seen? Was this truly the end? Contingency plans ran through my mind before another series of vibrations brought my attention back to the small device in my hand.

Fuck, Edward! Are you that dense? Think about it. Were you ever truly, one hundred percent honest with Bella? Ever? Man the fuck up and go find her. Your heart knows exactly where she is. – A

The words stung, but I knew they were the truth. I had always hidden things away, wanting to remain strong and infallible in Bella's eyes. Is that what she wanted? Those hidden, damaged and terrified parts?

Could I give her that?

If it meant getting her in return, then yes. Yes, I could.

With a new found determination, I set off for the one place I had always been honest with Bella. Apprehensive, but ready.

...

The terrain was easily navigated for me, though I wondered briefly how Bella would be able to get there. Would I be waiting for her and should I, had she yet to show?

I thought of a certain meddling sister and assumed the answer lay with her.

I was getting close, I could see pale grey light filtering through the trees just ahead. I allowed my pace to slow, briefly giving attention to the onset of sudden nerves. I took a deep, relaxing breath in through my nose.

And the world stopped.

"I'm surprised they left you behind. Weren't you sort of a pet of theirs?"

As soon as I could move again, I would kill him with a smile on my face. I could see through his thoughts that he intended to be merciful by ending it now. Bella would be tortured beyond belief if Victoria got the chance.

"Left behind?" My sweet girl questioned innocently. "Edward should be here any minute, Laurent."

He ignored her easily, he had heard from the Denali's about our departure. Tanya had been so pleased that things hadn't worked for us. I felt a growl building in my chest.

"So maybe her plan was flawed — apparently it wouldn't be the revenge she imagined, since you must not mean very much to him if he left you here unprotected." He was eyeing her now, venom already pooling in the back of his throat. I forced my legs to move forward once more, flying up and over the damp forest floor without any more conscious thought. He continued to taunt my Bella as I expunged every bit of energy I had so that I could reach her before he made his move.

"I'm quite thirsty, and you do smell… simply mouthwatering. This is nothing personal, let me assure you, Bella. Just thirst. Look at it this way, Bella. You're very lucky I was the one to find you."

"Laurent," she warned, "you doremember what happened last time? Edward killed James. He'll kill you too. I'm not sure what you're going on about, but he is coming. I'm surprised he hasn't made it-" The feral growl I unleashed drowned out her remaining words as I burst through the trees and came to a stop between the enemy and my heart.

"Told you so," she mumbled from behind me.

His thoughts registered immediate surprise and fear at my sudden presence. He took a step back, which I immediately compensated for by stepping forward.

Edward.

I snarled in response. How dare he?

Do you really want to do this in front of the girl?

Bella's collected demeanor fooled no one, as her heartbeat thundered loudly and much too rapidly.

If you fail, I will kill her.

His black eyes pierced my own with his threat and I swallowed thickly. I'd just gotten her back. His attention drifted to my Bella and he smiled, which caused her pulse to quicken further.

Just a little closer, mon cher petit…

With that thought, my attention snapped to Bella momentarily, just enough to give him the chance to turn and run. I took a step in his direction intent on pursuing him and ripping him to shreds, but her voice pulled me up short.

"Please don't leave me all alone." The words were whimpered and soft and though every part of me screamed to run after him, to eradicate the threat…I couldn't.

I turned and faced her. Her gorgeous eyes were glassy, her face was ashen and her breathing was staccato and erratic. I raised my hands - to show I meant no harm, to plead for her to calm down - I wasn't sure. Her eyes stayed locked with mine as I watched her fight with her body, trying to shake the last several minutes off.

"This is exactly what I was trying to avoid by leaving," I murmured gently, begging her to understand with my eyes. I assumed seeing it firsthand would help prove my point, but as I watched her eyes narrow and harden, I had a feeling I should have kept it to myself.

"Why can you not see that I'm already a part of your world, Edward?" she asked slowly. "How can you not see that this would have happened, either way? Only, if you hadn't been coaxed back here by your family, the ending would have been much, much different?" She shook her head sadly. "We have no choice in this, Edward. The moment I fell for you, I became a part of this life. Nothing you do can change that. Nothing."She hung her head and I sighed deeply, as both of our phones began chiming off beat to the other.

I could only hope that Alice knew what was going on and how to get us all through it safely.


mon cher petit - my little sweet.

Drama. It is coming. But first, I think these two need to talk, don't you?

Hate me?