CH 9: Fairytale
There was something about being with a woman. Smooth skin and soft curves and that intuitiveness: where to touch, how to touch, when to touch. In a way that she couldn't explain if someone were to ask, Jane felt more feminine when she was with a woman than a man. Beth's breasts rubbed against her own as the woman in her lap kissed and sucked at her neck. Men were simple. That's what it boiled down to. Sex with a woman was so deceptively complex. Each time, each partner put her in touch with her own femininity in a way that no man ever had. Jane still liked sex with men, there was something about that too…the one-sidedness of it at times. She'd had great sex with some men. But, if she put her mind to it, she had better sex with most women. So, when it came to times like this in her life, times when she would break down and give in to casual sex with no strings attached and completely separate from any existing or likely relationship: she'd rather it be like this, with a woman: complete and in touch with all parts of her.
Jane's hands kneaded the dips and rises of Beth's back, felt the muscles constrict and roll under her grasp and she knew that under her fingertips was that tattoo. She dug her fingers in where that koi fish would be, scratched, and slid her hand further under the waistband of Beth's jeans. They were tight, too tight.
"What'd you wear these for?" Jane started to laugh until Beth's lips covered her own, rough and bruising. She let her hands finish the sentence, moving to the button of the jeans and wrestling with it against the straining fabric that pulled and tightened as Beth rolled in her lap.
"I was under the impression we weren't doing this anymore," Beth pulled back, mischievous glint in her eyes, her pale skin hot to the touch and kissed with crimson.
"Smart ass," Jane smirked as the barely audible yet telltale sound of a zipper being undone reached her ears.
"I could take them off…" Beth smiled as she again cupped Jane's breasts, squeezing them gruffly and reveling as the flesh in her hands arched into the touch, begging for more.
Jane clucked her tongue as she shook her head, hand sliding past parted denim and teasingly stroking the soft skin just under the no doubt specifically selected and sexy lingerie, "After you went to all that trouble to pour yourself into them?"
Another enjoyable aspect of sex with women: the slow build, the teasing and the shared ache and it just made the final release that much better. If Beth were a man he would have been past the point of no return well before now; Jane loved having a playground for her devious side. It was fun making her want it. She crawled her fingers lower, unable to stem the artful smirk that played across her lips. Beth's breath hitched in anticipation.
The phone rang, Habanera, Jane's newly selected tune for Maura blaring over Puccini still playing from the speaker system. The vibration against the hard wood of the end table added it's own dissonant quality and snapped her completely from the moment.
"Fuck…"
"Leave it…" Beth curled her fingers into Jane's jaw and turned her head, attempting to claim her lips amidst the competing tunes.
Maura. First her eyes turned towards the jarring tone, every time it played her palm burning with the sensation of Maura's hand closing over her own at the opera. Her lips rebelled next, stiffening against the supple assault, drawing together and eventually pulling towards the phone's vibration and away from the tangible sensuality they were engaged with.
"Need to…" Jane husked as her hand stilled and slightly withdrew from its previous trajectory as her right hand disengaged from Beth's hip and strained for the phone, "…probably nothing, will only take a minute."
Jane cleared her throat before answering, try not to sound like you're on the sofa with a half-naked woman in your lap, "Hey Maura…"
Her brow furrowed and her face tensed, the hand still partially down Beth's pants jerked out and wrapped around her waist to swing her aside as she stood. Jane began stripping her sweatpants off as she walked, hopping on one foot the last of the way to the bedroom. "Is she ok? Look Frankie, take her home, I'm going to throw some clothes on and I'll meet you there. Don't you leave her until I get there, do you hear me? If your LT gives you any shit, he can take it up with me."
Dammit. Jane swore under her breath. I should have gone with her. It was like the clothes couldn't be put on fast enough; Jane stumbled into the dresser as she wrestled into her jeans. Shit. Finally dressed she jogged back to the living room, "Look Beth, I'm sorr…" Jane glanced quickly around the empty living room, the opened bottle of scotch on the table and two half-drunk tumblers on the side tables. Joe Friday looked up and cocked her head from where she had ensconced herself on the now unoccupied sofa.
Jane could see Frankie standing in the front window of Maura's house as she pulled up. She was practically falling out of the car before it had come to a proper stop. He stepped out to meet her, "Hey, calm down."
"Don't tell me to call down! My best friend was just mugged!" Jane snapped. There you go. "Dammit, I'm sorry Frankie. That's just…I wasn't expecting a call like that tonight."
He nodded. "She's a little scraped up. Nothing was in her purse but some cash, her I.D. and her keys; we had the car towed. Ma fixed her some tea, but she refused to change or wash up until you got here. She's just shaken up."
"Thanks Frankie," Jane patted her brother on the arm, "You call Tommy and tell him to get his buddies he's doing the odd jobs with and come replace Maura's locks first thing in the morning, ok?"
Maura looked up as Jane walked in, standing immediately and pulling out from under Angela's watchful arm, "Jane…" She sniffled as Jane's arms folded around her, pulling her in tightly. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have walked to my car alone…"
"Hey, hey…" Jane soothed, tightening her embrace around the still slightly shaking body of her friend, "…this is not your fault."
Maura nodded into Jane's neck, "Angela, thank you for the tea. I'll be ok now that Jane's here."
With a slight smile Jane mouthed thanks, Ma as her mother nodded with understanding and made her way back to the guesthouse. "Ok, let's get you cleaned up."
Maura sat on the edge of the tub and tested the running water's temperature with her hand before moving her feet under the stream. The gentleness of Jane's touch was surprising as she wiped the dried blood and grit from the sidewalk away. Some of her hair tumbled forward and Maura caught it, holding the brown waves for a second before slowly tucking it back. Intentionally she let her finger trace lightly the rim of Jane's ear as she did so, smiling at the muted giggle her friend couldn't contain.
"That tickled," Jane looked up briefly, flashing a grin and then back at Maura's knees, painfully aware of the burning flush that must have been tinting her ear an obvious crimson. She toweled Maura's legs off, dabbing tentatively around the scrapes. "Ok, turn around. It will be easier to put the bandages on."
It really doesn't look so bad, Maura mused as she examined the scrapes. She paid no attention to Jane standing at the sink washing her hands. The water stopped and Jane didn't move. Maura didn't notice for a long minute after the water had stopped running. Jane stood in front of the mirror, reading the poem, the daily affirmation that her friend had affixed to the glass before the hockey lessons and before the opera. The yellow page with its rough edges had softened from the moisture, become nearly one with the mirror itself. Jane ran her finger down the edge as some of the fibers pulled easily away at her touch.
Awake, my heart, to be loved, awake, awake!
The darkness silvers away, the morn doth break,
It leaps in the sky: unrisen lustres slake
The o'ertaken moon. Awake, O heart, awake!
She too that loveth awaketh and hopes for thee:
Her eyes already have sped the shades that flee,
Already they watch the path thy feet shall take:
Awake, O heart, to be loved, awake, awake!
And if thou tarry from her, - if this could be, -
She cometh herself, O heart, to be loved, to thee;
For thee would unashamed herself forsake:
Awake, to be loved, my heart, awake, awake!
Awake! The land is scattered with light, and see,
Uncanopied sleep is flying from field and tree;
And blossoming boughs of April in laughter shake:
Awake, O heart, to be loved, awake, awake!
Finally realizing, Maura stood; clasping her hands together she twisted nervously at her ring. It was time. As much the time as it would probably ever be. With each passing day she wondered why she continued to wait as if some magical moment of perfection would miraculously reveal itself. Fairytale. She might be waiting forever if something out of a storybook was what she was hoping for. Nothing about her life was storybook. Jane wasn't going to whisk her through some fancy ball and that wasn't what she wanted anyway. This was. Reality, her and Jane just being the essence of who they were, no pretention, no need for anything more than the simplicity of being together no matter the reason or circumstance. Some moments were meant to be seized. Jane had taught her that.
Jane turned and their eyes met and words that couldn't be unsaid were tiptoeing on the edge of her tongue. Maura had to remind herself to breathe and with the exhalation a tidal wave of words crested the levee, pouring out and into the pregnant silence between them.
"Jane, I'm attracted to you. I…I don't know when it started, but it's been building and I can't help it. I don't want to help it. I just want to be with you." Tears were flowing with the words. Tears of release but also fear. The look on Jane's face…she was panicking. Stop there. But she couldn't stop; the words kept coming…all the wrong words judging from Jane's reaction. "I just want to be with you. I almost lost you…twice; I've never been so terrified of losing someone in my entire life. And I…I…Jane, I think I'm falling in love with you." The last words took Maura herself by surprise as her shaking hand lifted to cover her mouth, physically seal it if that's what it took to stymie the emotional bloodletting.
Jane shook her head as she turned, trying to hide the tears she furiously wiped away. "You're not…you can't be." She spun back around and the feelings inside her, no doubt the look on her face took them both by surprise. Anger. It wasn't fair. Everything she wanted was standing right in front of her and she knew she couldn't have it.
Maura pressed, walking towards her, "I am."
"No," Jane put her hands up to ward Maura off. "No, you're not."
"You can't tell me what I feel, Jane." Maura's face twisted from surprise to hurt.
Jane pinched the bridge of her nose, "Why are you telling me this? What do you want?"
"I…" the words weren't coming as easily now; she hadn't foreseen this reaction. "I want…to know if you feel the same way." Her voice was soft, almost pleading. Tell me you could fall in love with me too.
"You want me to tell you I'm attracted to you too?" Jane paused as Maura nodded, fresh tears burning their way down red cheeks. "Christ! Of course I'm attracted to you Maura!" She was nearly shouting now. "I mean…" she gestured wildly as if to signal who wouldn't be attracted to the beautiful woman standing in front of her. "But…dammit, Maura! Why did you have to go and say all of this out loud! I can't let myself fall in love with you." The final admission didn't burst out in anger; it came out as a resigned admission of fact.
"Jane, that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" Maura breached the invisible barrier Jane had tried to erect and bulled her way into the flustered detective's space.
Jane reached out and grasped Maura sternly by the shoulders and kept her at arm's length, "Not six months ago you risked your job to smuggle medicine out of the country because of a man that was according to you the love of your life. He blows into town and I didn't even exist. I can't let myself fall in love with you Maura, because I know I could…I could so easily. But, I can't be your in the meantime until Ian gets his shit together and realizes what he's missing every time he leaves you. Having part of you isn't good enough for me…and it's not fair to ask me to settle for that."
She could feel Maura pulling back out of her grasp and Jane let her hands fall away. It hurt. Like being shot all over again only worse. The pain was deeper and it couldn't be healed with a surgeon's scalpel or stitches. Jane didn't even care about the tears streaking down her own face, half out of anger and half out of sadness she just let them run. She felt behind her with her hand as she backed away until she located the doorway. Jane paused, one more chance, tell me I'm wrong…nothing. She nodded her head resolutely and left.
They always left. The people she cared about. They always left. Maura held the worn poem in her hands, tears dripping to the paper and softening it further until it easily pulled apart, ripping words and rendering its profession of love unintelligible. Having part of you isn't good enough for me. The words stung and tore at her heart, squeezing it with a striking intensity. Maura unclenched her fists and looked down at the tattered paper shreds, "I never intended to ask you to…to settle for part of me."
Ian. Here he was again making a mess of her and he wasn't even actually there to do it. Jane was right in a way, she could only know what she had seen and what she had seen was Maura using men to satisfy the time in between visits from Ian. He was the only person she had ever admitted to loving in the present tense in front of Jane. The love of my life. She had said that. In the moment she had meant it. Meant it with every aching pang in her chest. The longing had dissipated; the feelings had slowly been pushed aside by her deepening feelings for Jane. Now it was all a proper mess, a tangled web of emotions she wasn't good at picking her way through in their most simple permutation least of all in this conflicting and competing cacophony of wants and desires that were jumbling through her head like two orchestras playing separate scores simultaneously.
Ian…Jane. They both left.
Jane sat in the car in Maura's drive, turned the engine and flipped on the heat before reaching for the parking brake. Drive, just go. That's what she wanted to do, throw the car into reverse floor the gas and leave. Drive away. Really away…away from this mess of a life that seemed to thwart her happiness at every turn. She'd born her fair share she thought between work, family and everything in between. The one person she had tried to avoid loving had made that avoidance impossible even before the words had been said. It's why she had thrown herself head over heels in lust over Casey. He was a distraction, just like Beth, everyone always was and it never worked. And if it felt like this when they weren't even together she couldn't imagine how it would feel if they were. It wasn't fair because she wanted to feel that; she knew it would be fulfilling and everything she had waited for for so long. But there was that catch; one day, Ian would walk back through the door and ruin it all. It would ruin her and leave her in shambles. She had to protect herself.
Drive away. Just leave. Jane tried to talk herself into it. Her thumb lingered on the button of the brake and started to push. Somewhere out there some perp had Maura's I.D. and her keys. She paused, unfastened her seatbelt and put her hands back on the steering wheel. The winter emergency kit in the back had a blanket. Jane pulled it out and wrapped herself into ball in the seat. She made bets in her own mind on how long a quarter of a tank of gas would let the car idle, changing her predictions at will as time passed. The night ticked by in uninterrupted stillness, the silence even starker when she finally had to turn the car off.
Fatigue pulled her under slowly. Eyes open…eyes closed…eyes open…eyes closed.
A light tap on the window startled her awake. "Shit!" Jane gasped as she reached for the key and started the car to roll down the frosty window.
Tommy poked his head in, "What the hell are you doing out here? Did you sleep in the car?"
Jane handed him the can of de-icing spray from the kit, "Just spray my windshield why don'tcha?"
"Well?" Tommy leaned back through window and rested on his elbows, "You and Maura have a fight or something?"
Jane ruffled her hair and cracked her neck, "Look, I don't want to talk about it. Take care of her locks. And don't tell her I slept out here, ok?" Tommy nodded and Jane drove off.
"Whoa, Killer!" Tommy held up his drill in surrender as Maura appeared, disheveled, in only a bathrobe and her pajamas and brandishing a hockey stick.
"Tommy!" Maura grabbed her chest and took several cleansing breaths. "Sorry, I'm a little on edge, I thought the mugger was breaking in."
"Hey, no worries. Janie wouldn't have let anything happen to you. And we're going to get these locks changed out so you don't have to worry about it," the first part, about Jane had slipped loose without even a second thought. Tommy could see Maura's face fall at the mention of his sister.
"Jane left me last night," Maura set the stick against the counter and shoved her hands in the robe pockets.
"Look," Tommy walked towards her, "I don't know what went down between you guys, but Jane would never leave you after what happened. She slept in the car in your driveway last night. And she'll kill me if she finds out I told you."
"Really? She did that?" Maura's face lit up with hope. Tommy nodded. "I've got my last hockey practice today before the tryout tomorrow…"
"That's right, I'm sure you'll do great. Janie said you're like already ten times better than Frankie," Tommy smiled and gave her a wink. "I'll give the new keys to Ma when we're done."
Maybe. Was there any more hopeful word in the English language than that one? Maybe. Maybe it wasn't as hopeless as she thought. Jane hadn't really left. With some precarious maneuvering of Angela's boat-sized car into a space at the rink Maura ran through potential opening lines in her head. Everything sounded forced and rehearsed and disingenuous. She grumbled to herself as she walked through the doors. The words, they would come. For better or worse they had come last night, spontaneous and real they had come. They would come again.
Her hand settled nervously on the last door before the ice. Awake, my heart, to be loved, awake, awake! She entered, and made her way to the team benches. Empty. Maura scanned the ice, only children, no Jane. Maybe. Maybe, she went home to change. Watching the figure skaters did little to keep her from obsessively checking her watch. Maybe. Maybe she's just running late. Skaters came and went and minutes turned into an hour.
Maura stood and slung her bag back over her shoulder. She took one more look at the ice, willed Jane to appear out of the melee of morning practice. Maybe. She shook her head. Jane wasn't there.
