Tobi knew that he was at an impasse in his scheming, much as he hated to admit it. Despite his attempts over the last few days to discover what connection the old folks in Itachi's phone actually had to Itachi himself, Tobi had turned up nothing concrete, other than a few photos of Itachi near these people at private meetings or public lunches. There had to be a better way to go about his search than just looking through pictures on the Internet!

Unfortunately, Tobi couldn't devote all his attention to researching Itachi's acquaintances right now, because at the moment a good portion of his focus needed to go to keeping Zetsu from molesting him at all hours of the day. The genie had yet to be permanently rebuffed by any of Tobi's protests, and now alternated between the subtle (such as showering Tobi with romantic gifts that included lingerie) and the direct (such as pouncing on Tobi while wearing the afore-mentioned lingerie). It was enough to make a grown man tear out his hair in frustration. For the time being, Tobi had settled for getting creative in his ways of wishing for Zetsu to cool off. Still, there was no way Tobi could keep up his work in this house…

An idea suddenly came to the masked teen. Tobi sat up on his bed and began scrolling through the contact list on his phone, at last coming to "Mikoto U." Smiling, the boy pressed the call button and waited for his aunt to pick up on the other end.

The phone rang twice, and then a very familiar woman's voice said, "Tobi?"

"Hi Auntie Mikoto!"

"Hello Tobi, it's good to hear from you! How have you been?"

"Pretty good, auntie!"

"Good. Have you heard from your parents lately? We got a postcard from them a few months ago, but I haven't heard a peep from either of them since!"

Tobi had to smile at Mikoto's concern. Though not related to Tobi's family by blood, she and Tobi's mother had been best friends growing up; it was actually thanks to Mikoto that Tobi's parents had met in the first place, as guests at Fugaku and Mikoto's wedding. "They're doing well. It'll be a few more months before they come home though."

"Oh, I'm sorry sweetie. I know how much you miss them when they're on their trips."

"It's fine, auntie! Sometimes Tobi gets lonely, especially taking care of such a big empty house, but he understands that his parents have very important work to do." Tobi held his breath, hoping he'd set the right bait. 3, 2, 1-

"Tobi, I'm making lasagna for dinner tonight; plenty more than my boys can eat. How about you come over? We haven't seen you in such a long time."

"Oh, Tobi doesn't want to impose-"

"Nonsense! Come over at 6, supper will be on the table by 6:30. See you then!"

"All right, thank you auntie! Goodbye!" Tobi hung up his phone with a grin on his face. "Excellent. Between Uncle Fugaku's bragging about Itachi and Auntie Mikoto's gossiping about her family any time she can, Tobi will learn the truth in no time! Plus, it'll be great to eat auntie's food after all those instant meals."

"Making dinner plans?"

Tobi jerked his head up to see Zetsu hovering in midair above his bed, smiling down at the teenager. "A formal affair? Should I get dressed up?"

"Er, no, Tobi's just going to eat with his family!"

Zetsu suddenly dropped down on top of the Uchiha, pinning him to the bed. "Tobi, introducing me to the family already? Such a surprise."

"Tobi wasn't going to-"

"Oh, don't worry, I promise to tell them I have only the best intentions towards you. Even if that's not exactly true," the genie chuckled, leaning down and nipping at Tobi's neck.

"Er, ah, Zetsu…"

"Shh, relax cutie," Zetsu purred, taking advantage of Tobi's missing mask to kiss his way up to the teen's lips. "Enjoy it."

"Ahh…" Tobi was very tempted to take Zetsu up on that offer. He'd never had someone kiss him, except for relatives and that was just on the cheek. This was much better; lots of tongue on tongue action, very warm, and the spicy smell of Zetsu completely surrounding him. Tobi felt himself beginning to melt, letting his guard slip-

And suddenly Zetsu's hand was slipping under his shirt.

Tobi's eyes went wide and he quickly shoved the genie off him. Before Zetsu could regain his senses, Tobi cried out, "Tobi wishes Zetsu was on an African safari!" There was a 'pop,' and Zetsu suddenly vanished.

Tobi sat up in bed, panting as he tried to calm himself down. "That was close. Tobi can't have another slipup like that!" Pushing Zetsu from his mind, Tobi went to the bathroom to check for hickies on his neck; if he showed up to a family dinner with any visible marks, things would certainly be rather awkward.

-n-

At exactly 6 that night, the doorbell rang at Fugaku Uchiha's house. Mikoto answered the door with a smile on her face, please to see her favorite nephew on the other side. "Hello Tobi," she said as she lifted the boy's mask briefly and kissed him on the cheek. "I'm so glad you decided to come over! Everyone is in the living room right now; dinner will be ready soon."

Tobi showed himself to the living room as Mikoto went back to the kitchen to finish cooking. Fugaku and Itachi were both sitting on the couch, Fugaku reading a newspaper and Itachi pouring over a very heavy book in his lap. Sasuke was on the floor in front of them, staring at the TV as he played some sort of medieval RPG. "Hi everyone!"

Fugaku and Itachi both looked up, but Sasuke stayed focused on his game. "Tobi, it's good to see you." Fugaku remarked. "Mikoto mentioned you'd be coming over tonight. Itachi, Sasuke, say hi to your cousin."

"Hn," the brothers grumbled in unison.

"Honestly, you boys are the least social children I've ever known," Fugaku muttered as he went back to reading his newspaper.

Tobi, used to his family's less than stellar social interactions, took a seat in a nearby armchair and began putting his scheme into motion. First, start out with some small talk. "Whatcha doing Sasuke?"

"Shh! I'm 500 points away from beating Itachi's high score!"

"Doesn't matter if you can't beat the time limit too," Itachi remarked as he went back to reading his books.

Sasuke's character was suddenly flattened by the giant orc he'd been fighting, making the boy cry out and toss away the controller. "I was so close to finally beating Itachi at something!"

"You'll never beat me, little brother," Itachi stated. "You lack hatred…for the final boss."

"Really Itachi, you have other things to worry about right now then whether or not your little brother can beat some score on your old games. Speaking of, have you spoken to Mr. Hyuuga lately?"

Tobi had to resist the urge to squeal; that was one of the families he'd seen on the list!

"Dinner's ready everyone!" Mikoto called out, sticking her head into the living room. "Uh-uh-uh," she chided, seeing Itachi and Fugaku getting up with their literature in hand, "No books or newspapers at the table! Honestly, if I weren't here you two would starve to death because you'd be too busy reading to remember to eat." The two Uchihas set their things on the couch before following Mikoto into the dining room, Fugaku's question now forgotten. Shoot, Tobi had been so close!

Any chance at extracting more information was postponed until after the five Uchihas had stuffed themselves on salad, lasagna, and garlic bread. The conversation finally picked up when Mikoto began clearing off the table to make room for dessert. "Itachi, I need you to meet with Mr. Haruno tomorrow for dinner," Fugaku stated. "Normally I wouldn't ask this of you on a school night, but his family was rather…well…"

"It's fine," Itachi replied in a soft monotone. "I know how they can be."

"Fugaku, you need to stop getting these girls' hopes up!" Mikoto scolded as she came back into the room, arms laden down with brownies ala mode. "It's going to crash and burn before you know it!"

Tobi was very confused by now. Girls? Itachi had been in contact with old people, not girls!

"Urgh, can we please eat dessert without talking about Itachi's love life?" Sasuke grumbled.

"Sasuke!" Mikoto chided.

"I'm sure Tobi doesn't want to hear about this," Itachi cut in, motioning towards his extremely confused cousin.

"Oh, sorry Tobi," Fugaku mumbled through a mouthful of ice cream. "Business talk, you know." And with that the conversation turned towards more mundane topics, leaving Tobi extremely frustrated.

-n-

After dinner Tobi and Itachi went up to the weasel's room to study, giving Tobi the perfect opportunity to bring up what he'd heard at dinner earlier. "So, what was Uncle Fugaku talking about earlier? Does Itachi have a secret girlfriend?"

Itachi sighed, shutting the English textbook in front of them. "Tobi, can you keep a secret?"

"Sure."

"I mean it. Not even Kisame knows about this."

"Tobi promises."

Deciding to believe his cousin, Itachi began to explain the situation. "Last year, I attended a business meeting with dad. Afterwards, we went to a dinner with several of his good friends and their families. Apparently…several of their daughters saw me and…took a liking to me."

Tobi blinked in surprise behind his mask. "Oh."

"Since then, they've been using their fathers' connections to try and spend more time with me," Itachi went on, "usually under the guise of taking in interest in their parent's job to attend more meetings."

"That's kind of extreme."

"Dad has been reluctant to stop this," Itachi explained, "because telling his friends to bar their daughters from attending our meetings would definitely be overstepping his boundaries. Thus, I am left to either hope that they lose interest in me…"

"Or?"

"Or pick one to date and eventually marry."

"What?!"

"It makes good business sense," Itachi explained. "A marriage to any one of these girls would be good for the Uchiha company; and they're all very sweet. I'm actually friends with a few."

"But that's-! Tobi can't believe that! Itachi can't just marry someone because it's the easy option!"

"It's not the easy option, Tobi. It's the only one I have. If I refuse all the girls or just wait for them to leave, there will be hurt feelings and repercussions from them when they complain to their fathers."

"But it's not what Itachi wants!"

"I don't think I'll ever really get what I want, though," Itachi replied softly. "So I'll take the only other thing I want, which is to make sure that my family and our business are both taken care of."

"Itachi-"

"Forget it. Sorry; I needed to vent. Let's return to your homework now." For the rest of the evening, all the boys would talk about was Tobi's book report.

-n-

Tobi returned to his house later that night, extremely worried for his cousin. Sasori had been in imminent danger of giving up on Deidara once and for all, but Itachi was actually planning to marry someone other than Kisame! It wasn't fair to Itachi, to the girl he married, or to anyone involved! Tobi had to put a stop to this, and do it soon, before Itachi actually followed through with his plan and decided to date one of these girls.

But this issue with the girls had brought up a bigger problem. If Itachi's parents were seriously considering letting Itachi date one of these women, it meant that his cousin was still firmly stuck in the closet, at least to his family.

Moreover, the weasel had said something about doing this because he had to settle, since he couldn't get the thing he was actually after. What was it he was after, and why was it out of Itachi's reach? Normally if Itachi wanted something, he could easily get it through a combination of hard work and high intellect. What, then, was out of the realm of possibility for him?

Tobi flopped down on his bed with a frustrated growl, burying his face in an ostrich pelt. Wait, ostrich pelt?

"Tobi, if you wanted me to give you more exotic presents, all you had to do was ask," Zetsu purred, having suddenly appeared hovering over Tobi's bed. "How about next time we go to the North Pole and get a nice polar bear pelt? We can use it to keep warm in our igloo-"

WHAM

Tobi gasped for breath as he barricaded himself in the bathroom, hoping it would take some time for the genie to dislodge the ostrich feathers from his throat. "This is gonna be harder than Tobi thought."