Everybody has a Ghost
By JuniperHeart
Summary - After dynamic shifts in the world's politics and set 5 years after the battle with Ultimecia, Squall reflects on his loves and losses and what he truly needs to live again. The challenge is in doing something about it.
Warnings - Contains homosexual relationships, sexual situations, angst, sappiness on occasion, and may contain swearing. Oh and no Rinoa-bashing.
Pairings - Squall/Rinoa (reminiscent), Squall/Seifer
A/N – Work has been pretty hectic so I can't really guarantee when more chapters will be coming, but I'll try my best. Initially this was intended to be a short story, but it blew up (as they do)! I'm even thinking of extending it past where I wanted to end it. We shall see. Thanks for reading and for the awesome support! Silversun pickups again with Gun-shy sunshine.
Chapter Nine – Gun-Shy Sunshine
Brace yourself for old remains
Later on I will behave
Made a home for few to stay
Rest assured we'll be okay
With your gun-shy sunshine
With my headstrong highlights
Seifer returned to his room shortly after Squall had left the scene, feeling like a damned idiot. Events like these were why he had to stop acting on impulse, a habit he hadn't managed to kick for many years, and a feature of himself that he had tried to modify in exile. Squall always managed to find a way to bring it all to the surface, no matter how much progress he thought he had made. Seifer swallowed the excess saliva pooled in his mouth as the images flitted across his mind, still feeling the fire on his skin and the powerful ache in his groin. Squall had been so shocked and reluctant at first, but as they both fell into the abyss it felt to Seifer like everything they had been building over the years they had known each other had been for that one moment. All the animosity, battles, rivalry and hatred had been a clever disguise for what was ultimately unbridled attraction at its most intense.
Of course he had been shocked. Squall must not have ever really expected himself to be into guys, let alone whom he considered his worst enemy. He probably hadn't even figured it out yet.
Who am I kidding? Seifer thought to himself. He was probably too confused to even react the way he wanted to. Maybe the way he kissed Seifer back was all a big misunderstanding. Maybe he didn't feel an inch of attraction and was so shocked by the situation that he had no idea what to do. Maybe it had been so long without physical contact that it was what he thought he wanted?
Seifer knew that, even though he had been through an awful ordeal, Squall wasn't mentally defunct, and was certainly not desperate enough to make out with another man because he was starved for affection.
The to-and-fro in Seifer's mind was starting to morph into a headache, and he knew that he had to stop over-thinking what it had all meant and what would happen in the future. He couldn't change the past so he would just have to deal with the future consequences when they arose.
Down the hall and lying splayed out on his bed, Squall was in a similar predicament. Fully sober and trying to figure out what the fuck just happened. So he remembered Seifer kissing him the night before and the most befuddling part was that he remembered being awfully receptive of the whole thing. Yes, he had been ridiculously drunk, but he never would have imagined himself being that willing to be kissed by whom he swore he still despised. And what had happened tonight had been a similar blur in the fact that it occurred within a matter of minutes. He never would have predicted that his rival would straight out hold him close and endeavour to have his wicked way. This was a side to Seifer that had presumably long lain dormant. Okay, so he liked guys. Squall was okay with that. But what the hell was up with going after someone with whom you'd shared years of hatred?
The thought was there, wriggling its way up to the surface, as much as Squall wanted to keep it in the back of his mind. And the more he tried not to think about it, the more liberated the thought was. Then it was free; what had happened tonight, he had fucking loved the shit out of it. He tentatively touched his lips, fingers ghosting across the tender flesh.
It had initially been a mixture of shock, disgust, entrapment but those feelings had quickly given way to a surge of intense yearning for something that something within him knew was right. He didn't even know he was capable of such desires and he also didn't even know that you could feel that way about your enemy. But he knew that the more he dove in, the more effort he would need to climb out and think about it critically.
And now he was trying to think about it critically. His body had not cooled since he had reached his rooms and the never ceasing imagery was not letting the aches subside.
Why, of all people, did he feel this way for him? Their previous battle had been a slight hint, one that he had been unable to decipher at the time, and now the two events, even though different, seemed to have the same outcome. Every nerve ending was alight, a stark contrast to the morbidity that had shrouded his life for the past few years. He had to admit it; Seifer had started a fire within him and it was smouldering, burning its way through to his digits.
Squall's pulse quickened as he got up to shed his clothing. A glance in the mirror as he sat on the edge of his bed showed him that he was still too thin, gaunt, and in his opinion, not very attractive. He could also see that his previous thoughts had left him still painfully aroused. Feeling awkwardly self-conscious, Squall rolled onto his stomach, biting into his blanket, begging Hyne for the arousal to subside.
After a few minutes of failed mindfulness, he gave in, his moans drowned out but the bedding underneath. This time he knew what to think about.
The guilt came the morning after for Squall smack on 6 am. Upon realisation that he was running late for the ship that was taking them all to Esthar, and that they would be releasing Rinoa today, Squall was out the door in a disheveled heap, still pulling on his black jean jacket as he bolted down the corridor. Panic shot through him as he loped. After what he had just done, he was meant to face Rinoa of all people? His girlfriend? Were they even in a relationship anymore? They hadn't exactly talked about it before she had been sealed away so he didn't really know what they were. For her it would be like nothing changed. For him… everything had. And now he also had to face Seifer. What the fuck was he going to do about that can of worms?
Squall raced to the car park to procure a car to get to Balamb. He knew they would wait for him… but still he didn't want to extend a day that he desperately wanted to be over. He was going to have to keep it within. He knew that Quistis would immediately pick up on it, but if she had any tact she wouldn't bring it up or get involved. She could be intrusive at the best of times, but he had a feeling she would leave him be today. Everyone would be on edge.
Pulling into the car park situated at the entrance of Balamb, Squall hurriedly climbed out of the car and continued to run to the wharf. Balamb town always held a sense of nostalgia for him; when they left for Dollet, the battle with Rai and Fu, meeting Zell's family. It didn't seem that long ago, but in reality many years had already past. He still felt like he was in his late teens. Now he was technically an adult. What a farce.
Cotton wool in his throat, Squall strode up the modestly sized ship and greeted Xu before he walked up the ramp and onto the deck. There he was, leaning on the railing towards the front of the ship, staring off into the distance. It was just like the time they left for Dollet. He was even expecting to be pushed around by him; commanded by him. And he would take his orders and fulfill them, if only to keep the proverbial boat still. Times were different now. He was the commander and Seifer was now his subordinate, supposedly ready to take commands and fulfil them. It didn't seem right, let alone real. He expected to see the man with gleaming blonde hair with his usual permanent scowl or vindictive smirk, but this time he saw none of that. His face was expressionless.
"Hey Squall! Over here!" Zell belted from beside the door to the war room, hidden by numerous SeeDs and students milling around.
With one last glance towards his rival, who had not noticed him yet, he ventured over to meet Zell. His less-hyperactive-yet-still-very-much-so friend, coupled with the shrieks from the students was going to make for a very painful two and a half hour trip, he mused. And then there was the bus ride to Esthar city. At least the war room offered a slight reduction in decibel penetration. So he went in and sat at the table, embedded in which was a bronze inset of the world map. Zell continued to gossip, going on about how excited he was that Rinoa was being released.
In this point in time, Squall really had no idea how he was feeling, let alone how he was meant to feel. Pressing his cheek against the cold metal, he allowed his vision to blur and he successfully zoned out.
Seifer stretched and eyed the students who were now sat on the deck, peeling off their layers and attempting to sunbathe. It wasn't a fucking field trip and was definitely not a holiday, and he really felt tempted to kick them where they sat for their disrespect. However, he was aware that some of what he was feeling was due to his lack of a free childhood. He knew what was required for him as a cadet and student, and even though he bent the rules fairly often, he didn't think he really spent much time enjoying himself. So he decided to let the students live a little. Fairly soon they could be fighting on the battlefield, for all they knew. It was not time to be complacent, however, and when they got back he was going to make them work until they could barely stand. In the long run they would be lean, mean, killing machines.
It was two hours into the trip and he had not caught a glimpse of the commander yet. He presumed that he had escaped into the interior in order to get away from the noise and probably yours truly. He wasn't at all surprised, and he supposed he was kind of happy that he wouldn't have to face the awkwardness of locking eyes with him again.
Then again, he really wanted to.
Huffing and distracting himself with the view of the open ocean, he tried to empty his mind and focus on his tutorial with the kids. They were going to have to get used to the sensation of being junctioned to guardian forces fairly quickly, as they would have to return home as soon as they had received them. Xu had luckily taken care of the students the day before, so the ones he would be talking to today would not be as green. To be fair, even though he had Ifrit and Cerberus junctioned, he rarely interacted with them or used their power. Until he came back to Garden, he had not even used his drawn magic. It was only when he had the opportunity to show off that he had used it. He must really have come across as a major douchebag. It was reminiscent of the battle that left them with their scars. Magic had got him into trouble then… would it get him into trouble now?
Gulls cawed in the sky, circling over the ship, which indicated to Seifer that they were close to land. They must have made good time across the sea, as it was only 8.45 am. As expected, the outline of mountains in the distance and a wharf structure were visible. The students must have realised this also, as they were huddling over to the railing to check out the sights. He assumed that most of these kids probably hadn't ever been to this continent before, so it would be exciting for them.
As the ship pulled up alongside a newly built jetty, he saw Quistis and some of her colleagues there waiting for them. Further inland were some all-terrain transports to take them across the salt lake to Esthar. Seifer hoped to Hyne that he would not have to be stuck in a stuffy van with the ice prince himself. He could only imagine the tension, and putting Quistis in the mix guaranteed a lecture from her. Quistis' perception was a handy tool to have, if it benefited you, but it could also be quite inconvenient.
Seifer was the first person to be greeted by Quistis, however, and it was odd seeing her in the flesh, given the last time he had seen her had been at his trial. She seemed to have grown more lithe and graceful, and she was surrounded by an air of authority. Smirking, Seifer pulled her into a hug, despite her startled cry, but smiled when she genuinely hugged back.
"It's good to see you again, Seifer. How was the trip?" Quistis smiled and pushed her golden locks behind her ear.
Seifer shrugged, barely smiling. "Long, boring, but rather nice. It's good to be out on the water every once in a while.
Quistis chuckled to herself. "It really is good to see you again, now that things are different and the air has cleared. I think we've both grown up considerably."
"Somehow, I think that you've grown up more than I have, Quisty."
Giving a mischievous grin, Quistis punched Seifer's right shoulder. "If you say so. Where's Squall?"
Fuck. Cool it, Seifer. "Inside. He should be out shortly."
Eyeing him sceptically, Quistis then looked over to the ship to see the commander and fighting instructor making their way out of the ship's interior.
"Squall!" Quistis belted out loudly, something she never used to do, and waved above the heads of the students.
My cue… Seifer thought and left Quistis behind, making his way to the furthermost transport. There were six in total, so there was a good chance he would be without discomfort during this trip.
Ten minutes later, and once the students had been rustled into the transports, Seifer had realised that other forces were at play in this game of chance. He figured that none of the students wanted to share a transport with their new instructor after his last performance, and so the reluctantly last students and the instructors were in his. Oh, and the commander.
Fuck. Of all the likely predicaments…
Luckily, a few students sat between Squall and him, but he had to deal with Quistis sitting across from him, eyeing them with interest. The walls of the transports were opaque, so it wasn't as though he could easily distract himself from the steeled gaze across from him. So he closed his eyes and leaned his head back, trying not to think.
Fourty-five minutes of uncomfortable silence later and everyone piled out of the transport outside the main building of Odine Laboratories. It was an impressive building; a rigid slab indented with geometric patterns along the sides. Everyone seemed to stand in awe of the building, but Seifer, feeling somewhat claustrophobic from the trip, led the charge ahead and into the building. It was not like him to feel uneasy, yet this trip was tugging at his nerves somehow. Maybe it was foreign soil, or possibly that he was restless from being sedentary, or possibly it was because Squall had not made eye contact with him the whole trip. He was desperate to know exactly what was going through the ice princess' mind, whether he had completely destroyed any hope for some semblance of peace between them, or whether, given time, they could continue to explore whatever it was between them.
If there was something mutual there.
Frustrated, and with a scowl on his face, Seifer wrangled the students and SeeDs into the building and allowed the receptionist to guide them to the newly constructed guardian force wing. Squall and Quistis lagged behind the group, engrossed in what looked like a rather serious conversation. Squall looked tired, much more than he usually did, or it could have been his body language. He seemed to be dragging himself lethargically down the halls. Seifer presumed that it was due to what they would be doing this afternoon.
Seifer continued to flit his gaze back to Squall as they continued down the labyrinthine halls, noticing now that Quistis had looked away, somewhat distressed and Squall, was now looking downwards at his feet. His hands were clenched in his jacket as he paced, his hair hanging over his face. Icy blue-grey eyes searched upwards, aiming for ahead of him, but linked with Seifer's. They widened, then clenched, then looked to his left.
Well, fuck you too then.
Those gestures of Squall's told him more than he needed to know; Squall didn't want to face him now, and he wasn't surprised by that at all. He had more pressing things to focus on.
A few hours later and the students were leaving for the harbour to return to garden. The GF extraction and junctioning had been difficult for most of the students, and had sapped them of a considerable amount of energy. Free from the raucous noise of the students, Squall nearly felt at peace, if it weren't for the fact that soon he would be reunited with Rinoa. He was incredibly nervous, and worried that something would go wrong. He was worried that she would be too powerful for the ornament, or she had been negatively affected by the considerably longer cryostasis.
They were moved to an air transport for the trip across to the sorceress' memorial, which Quistis must have reserved for 'important persons', but it still wasn't as fast as Ragnarok. However, it only took them half an hour to reach the memorial, the flayed tendrils of the metallic structure ominous in the distance, its pinnacle piercing the low, grey clouds. Rinoa was housed inside, guarded by Estharian soldiers. Squall didn't dally; as soon as they touched down he was making his way off the ship and pacing towards the main structure. Quistis kept up with him quite well, but Odine and his technicians struggled behind them. At the entrance, familiar figures stood waiting for the group. The most surprising of the group was the steadfast figure with long black hair, tied behind his head.
Squall was dumbfounded. He and Laguna had not really kept in touch over the years, and he was confused as to why he was waiting here for them. He could have simply just met them in Esthar city. However, he felt happiness scratch at him after recognising the faces of Irvine and Selphie. It didn't look as though they had physically aged, but they really did look as though they had matured. They had probably been quite good for each other.
Upon reunion, Squall was engulfed by a surprisingly strong hug from Selphie and a generous pat on the shoulder from Irvine. It really did feel like yesterday that they had last seen each other. He had been in a void for a long time, though.
Laguna shook his hand, grinning widely. "It's good to see you son."
Squall cringed, having not considered Laguna a father, ever. He greeted him as warmly as he could manage, though.
Squall looked around to see Quistis chatting animatedly with Selphie, but noticed that Irvine was fixed on someone else.
"What the hell is he doing here?" Irvine spat, obviously referring to the blonde that everyone seemed to love to hate.
Quistis winced at his tone and moved to mediate between them. "He's working with us now. A lot of time has passed. He's atoned."
Irvine snorted in distaste. "I highly doubt that. That bastard thinks he can just waltz up here and expect to be embraced by the people he tried to destroy?"
"Irvine, please. I'm sure if we hear him out…" Selphie grasped Irvine's arm in order to calm him, but by the firm scowl on his face, it did not seem to be doing much good.
"That fucker has got a lot of nerve!" The cowboy yanked his arm out of Selphie's grasp and strode, hands clenched, towards Seifer. His intention was particularly clear.
Selphie, not used to seeing this kind of reaction from his normally composed husband, ran after him in order to restrain him, but couldn't pull him back. Inches from launching a fist into the center of Seifer's face, from which the blonde did not seem to want to defend himself, Irvine was pushed back by another hand on his chest.
"Stop it, Irvine." Squall's voice was barely above the whistling wind around them, but it spoke volumes. "We need to release Rinoa, not get into a brawl."
Irvine, skin flushing from embarrassment, stepped back and linked arms with Selphie, not daring to look back. "Fine. Let's get her out of there."
Squall stood still in front of Seifer for a few lingering seconds, not looking back either. Seifer wished that he could place his hand on his shoulder in appreciation, but didn't think it would be too well received. Squall began to walk forward, and Seifer followed.
The circular girdles encasing Rinoa didn't fit her. They were much too harsh, roughly juxtaposing against her, casting her in a cold aura. Odine, bracelet clasped tightly in his small hands, walked up to the controls which kept her in stasis. He gave the bracelet to one of his peons, who clasped it around her wrist. The technician in charge of looking after Rinoa nodded to Odine, who then commenced the thawing process by pressing buttons on the console in a particular order. Another technician pushed a wheelchair up to her podium, indicating to Squall that she would be weak after the process. Rinoa's frozen visage seemed to soften as seconds passed and her body loosened, so the technician held her fast until Odine indicated it was okay to move her. She still seemed comatose, even when she was placed gently in the wheelchair.
"Ze long stasis haz been tough for her. It vill be zome time until she iz fully conscious… We will monitor her in ze lab and let you know if anyzing happenz." Odine gestured for his technicians to hurry Rinoa to the ship.
Squall peered into Rinoa's cold chocolate eyes as they wheeled her past him and his heart skipped a beat. It had not really sunken in, and he still felt stunted. A cold hand clasped around his shoulder and led him on behind the researchers. Quistis then hooked her arm into his and held him close.
"She'll be fine. Don't worry." Quistis spoke resolutely as they walked.
Squall smirked wryly. "What makes you think I'm worried?"
"Of course you're worried. We all are. We don't know how she's going to be when she comes around. Whether her sanity will be intact. Whether she will remember us, or where she has been for the last five years. I just think we need to remember that she's a strong girl and she's come out of many difficult situations."
Sun peaked through the gaps in the low clouds and bathed them with glorious warmth and light. That sign alone gave Squall a small glimpse of hope.
The trip back to Esthar left everyone with little to say. Despite the years they had been apart, the group found they had little to say. In a way the silence was noisier than the students he had had to put up with earlier. The air was heavy with emotion and restraint, as though nobody wanted to break the ambiance out of disrespect to Rinoa. Squall huffed despondently and left his seat in the bow of the ship, making his way to the stern seating area. He did have a feeling that Seifer would be here, as he probably did not feel welcome with the others, but maybe Squall would be able to sit in the rear and allow himself to block everything else out without the rest of them around.
Blonde hair peaked over one of the head rests in the front of the cabin, broadly muscled arms resting behind it.
Things were starting to take shape in his mind. How receptive he had been to Seifer recently and how he didn't exactly hate the kiss they'd had, but for Hyne's sake, they were both men. He had never even imagined that he would be able to feel some semblance of attraction for another man, yet it did seem to feel different to anything he had felt in his lifetime.
Heat crept through Squall's skin almost subtle enough for him to not notice. But he did begin to notice it, and he was starting to become aware that there was a fraction of him that he had never thought of tapping into because it had never actually occurred to him. In many ways it was beginning to make sense, and the desire to figure it out was nagging at his consciousness. Even now he just wanted to make sense of it all.
Before he knew it he was walking up to the front of the ship, past Seifer, and lounging in the seat beside him.
The look of surprise on Seifer's face was fleeting, the corner of his mouth twitching.
Squall directed his gaze towards the rear window, his eyes tracking the undulation of the landscape. Seconds passed in silence, unexpected to Squall, but given his reaction before he had a feeling that Seifer had got the message.
"What the hell is wrong with you, Almasy?" Squall found himself muttering, again barely audible over the roaring of the rear engines.
Seifer chuckled and looked down at Squall. "Maybe I just want to watch the world burn?"
"You know what I'm talking about." The brunette leaned back, pulling a leg up. "What exactly are you after?" Raising his eyes to meet Seifer's, Squall found himself feeling a little uncomfortable, being the smaller man, but he tried not to balk.
Seifer flinched, as though he had intended to move but was restraining himself. "I would have thought that was fairly obvious."
"But… why me?" Squall's instincts were telling him to bail. This conversation was starting to become rather personal, and he normally fled from such things. But he was beginning to work out the enigma that Seifer was.
The blonde stood up suddenly, clenching his fists. "Why the fuck… I don't know?! You think I have much of a clue either? I can't fucking help myself and I'm trying to be good considering the circumstances, but you're not making it easy!"
Peals of laughter rolled off Squall's lips spontaneously and he also stood up to move closer to Seifer. "I guess we're both fucked up."
The image of the ice princess with a fucking smile on his face tore away at some of the last threads of Seifer's resolve. He grabbed at Squall's wrists and pushed him against the glass of the rear window. Squall winced in pain and seethed at the larger man, struggling to free his arms.
"We are both fucked up, aren't we?" Seifer moved his body closer, feeling the heat radiating from Squall's torso. "Now, I think it's time that we own up to everything that we've put each other through. All for the sake of this."
Squall visibly gulped, knowing that he was trapped. He could easily escape, given enough struggle, but his body was urging him to let it happen. The fear that anyone could walk in on this was firmly in his mind, but events like this didn't happen every day. Instinctively, Squall rolled his hips up against Seifer's, withdrawing quickly after realising what he had just done. The fire lighting up in Seifer's eyes and the broad grin showed him that the action had not been missed.
"If you think you're just going to do whatever the fuck you want with me, you've got another thing coming." Squall warned. "I may be weaker, but I can still overpower you."
Seifer momentarily loosened his grip, but the look on his face somehow had a stunning effect. "I was hoping you'd at least put up a fight."
A protest was making its way across Squall's lips when they were taken in Seifer's, nostrils filling with the scent of the other. Fire exploded through Squall's body, the embers unfurling in his stomach and travelling downwards. A hand curled and cradled Squall's head, hungry lips delving into his. Breathing ragged, Squall pulled back and inspected Seifer, his forehead hitting his. Squall's hands were now free, and started to tentatively feel the clefts and musculature of Seifer's back, amazed at how nicely toned he had become. This indeed felt incredibly foreign, but the intense fire licking at him was much too tempting to analyse.
Seifer lunged his hips forward, rubbing Squall's length eagerly. A pleasured cry escaped Squall's mouth, giving Seifer keen access to slide his tongue along the length of Squall's neck. A strangled moan erupted when Seifer latched down on the nape of his neck and bit sharply. Surprised at the surging feelings within him, Squall could feel himself falling into somewhat of a possessed state. He could feel the urgency push him forwards against Seifer's groin. He could feel that he didn't want anything else but to let Seifer take him to the end.
"Ahem." A shaky voice echoed from the entrance, forcing the two apart in a panic. "While I appreciate that you've kissed and made up and all that, we will be touching down shortly and you may want to cool down a bit before you face the others."
Quistis stood with her back to the two, out of respect, her arms folded, while Seifer rubbed at his face and straightened his hair back. "Sorry about that Quisty."
Meanwhile, Squall was mortified. It was probably the best person who could have snapped them, but it was still incredibly embarrassing. He sat down, willing his aching erection to subside. The heat was dying down, but all he could think about was doing it all again.
Quistis waved it off and left them to it.
"I promise you Squall," Seifer squatted down to face Squall, "we're going to see this through. Before you start to pick it apart, I want you to know that I'm serious about this."
Squall couldn't reply; he was too taken with the sequence of events that his brain could barely hold a train of thought.
"And we're definitely going to continue this."
Even though it wasn't spoken aloud, only one word could come to Squall's mind.
Yes.
