It had been a little over a week since the bite had taken effect and the same amount of time since the pain went away. Within in that time so much had changed that Jackson just needed a moment to figure some stuff out. Seeing how much Lydia and Scott hated him made him feel weird, they hated him for being someone who didn't exist anymore. But now he had to figure out what it was he wanted. No one asked him if he wanted to be part of their pack, everyone just assumed he did. He wasn't sure he wanted to share the full moon with two people who hated him. In fact he was sure he didn't. He gave everything else up, he wouldn't give this up.
But there were still so many things that confused him. He didn't know what Derek was playing at. Jackson wasn't sure if this was just another way for Derek to torture him, would he let Jackson become reliant on their nightly runs and suddenly take that away from him, would he be so cruel. Whether or not he would, Jackson didn't know, what he was sure of was that he could. But he had been so kind and friendly and it seemed like he really did want Jackson to be part of his pack. But all Jackson could think of were those three months in his life were the only companion he had was the pain, and the pain was the only thing that gave him an reason to live, it seemed easier to Jackson to fight than to give up, a product from the life he lived.
Then there was Stiles, friendly, kind, and amazing Stiles. When he was with Stiles he felt like he was in the company of someone who, after everything he had done to him, never judged him and honestly seemed to care for him. It made Jackson feel so nervous, he was afraid that one day Stiles would remember who Jackson was, rather than is, and hate him like Scott and Lydia. He also wasn't sure whether or not Stiles actually cared for him or if this was just the way he was with everyone. He had to admit that getting attention from Stiles felt pretty amazing. He had forgotten what it was like to have a close friend and having Stiles be there for him made him feel like he had finally gotten his feet back on solid ground. But Stiles seemed to be going through some pretty heavy shit himself and Jackson wanted to help him, but Stiles wouldn't open up to him and that kind of hurt, Jackson had been so open with Stiles it was some what insulting when Stiles wouldn't open up to him. But Jackson was willing to give him time, he wouldn't lose his only friend like that.
Jackson went home and decided to do something he hadn't done in a long time. He pulled out his lacrosse stick and decided to practice. He spent the rest of the evening doing this, remembered how much he loved it and regretted all the things the pain had taken away from him, but thought of all he got in return…
Stiles spent the rest of his night in his room and tried to ignore the flurry of emotions he was feeling. Anger, shame, and jealousy all mixed into a chaos in his stomach. Downstairs he could hear has dad arriving home, could hear him moving around the kitchen trying to find something to eat, Stiles hadn't cooked. He heard him walk up the stairs and then stop and knock on his door.
"Son, can we maybe talk…" Stiles wasn't sure what his dad wanted or whether or not he even cared but he would always give his father the benefit of the doubt.
He opened the door and allowed his father into his room. He looked around as if he had never seen the place, as if it had changed in the past three days. It hadn't.
"Listen I know your mad at me…I know I said something you didn't want to hear but…I don't think I can accept it…if your mother was here she would-"
"Shut up! You don't know what she would have done, neither of us do, she's dead and your all I have left and your just going to stand there and tell me that that isn't enough! That you can't accept me for who I am!"
"This isn't easy for me I-"
"You think this is easy for me, you think I haven't been agonizing over this thing for the past couple days! I didn't even know…"
"I know, I'm sorry it's just-I'm so scared for you! You haven't seen the things I have, you don't hear the reports of hate crimes, the way people treat them it isn't right and I don't want that for you…" Stiles' father cried he was so afraid for his son. He didn't understand, that was obvious, but he also didn't want to lose his son to some violent crime of hate, he didn't want his son to miss out on all the things he and his mother had had together and he didn't know how to say this.
"I don't want that either dad, I barely understand it myself. All I know is that I think there's someone and I think I want to be more than just friends and its so confusing and its so scary and all I wanted was for you to tell me that it was going to be okay…that it would be okay," Stiles covered his face, he couldn't stand for his father to see him cry. He didn't want his dad to think he was weak. But his father didn't, he just wrapped his arms around his son and told him that everything would be okay, they would get through this the way they got through everything, they would do it together.
Derek stood on his front porch with a bottle of beer in his hands, he let the peace of the night sooth away his wounds of the day. Stiles always seemed to challenge him in a way no one else dared. It pissed him off but he was thankful for it. No one had ever made him take responsibility for his actions the way Stiles had today. He could try and justify his treatment of Jackson till the cows came home, but he knew that at the end of the day he had just been a cruel mean individual, and now he might have to pay the price. He couldn't remember when he left the path his parents had set for him, couldn't remember how he'd strayed so far. All he knew is that he wasn't always like this, he remembers being kind once, remembers being loved and safe until all that was taken away. It changed him, how could it not, but he never noticed how cruel it made him.
Derek took a long gulp from the bottle until it was drained. It wasn't lost on him, the looks Stiles would give Jackson when he thought no one was looking. Maybe that was why he thought to ask his permission. Derek had just assumed there was something between them already, but when Stiles denied it, well Derek was suddenly and shockingly aware that he wanted him. He wanted to hold him down, sink his teeth into his supple flesh and mark Jackson as his own. He wanted Jackson naked beneath him begging, demanding, and fighting for control. He surprisingly realized that he had already done that, bite him, marked him as his own and Jackson had begged for it, for the bite. But not the way Derek wanted him to, naked overcome with lust not fear. He wanted Jackson in his life. He wanted him as his second in command. But something inside him told him Jackson probably didn't want that, not after the way he had treated him. Stiles thought there was nothing between them, but maybe Jackson did, and one thing Derek couldn't do was take away something that would bring Jackson happiness.
Tuesday morning Stiles and his father were having breakfast together having regained their trust in each other. Stiles was happy, he felt that some of the pressures of the last couple months had finally been lifted off his chest and he could finally breath, it was like he had been having a panic attack the whole time and today it had finally gone away. They were going to try and meet half way, his father promised to be more open minded as long as Stiles promised to tell him more about himself and the troubles he was going through, as awkward as it may be. A promise Stiles broke when his dad asked him who it was he liked, all Stiles could do was smile while his father gave him the look, the I-know-your-bullshitting-me look. The Sheriff let it go….for now.
He drove Stiles to school again and left for work. Stiles could see Scott, Lydia and Allison heading into the school. He wasn't ready to forgive Scott for being an ass friend or Lydia for being a selfish bitch so instead he headed to the library. He sat down at an empty desk and pulled out his books to finish his homework, well the homework Jackson refused to do for him when he realized Stiles was basically making him do his homework.
Danny walked into the library and sat down at a table near the back of the library. Stiles thought about for a second before deciding that it was maybe a good idea.
"Hey Danny…umm think maybe I can talk to you about something…" Stiles stood sheepishly in front of Danny trying not to talk too loudly in the quite of the library.
"Sure…" said Danny not really understanding but also unwilling to rudely just turn Stiles away.
"Okay…so like I've….well see I think maybe….and…oh god this is hard,"
Danny just stared at Stiles like he was super annoying but also slightly adorable, though Danny would never tell Stiles this.
"Okay…how did you know you were gay?" Finally asked Stiles not knowing how else to start this conversation and really wanting someone to help him understand.
"Well that's kind of personal…"
"I know…it's just I really need help…I think-"
"OH, okay. Wow, well I guess it started when I was in middle school. People always talk about knowing since they were children but I never noticed boys or girls…sexually, I guess…till middle school. An older friend of mines came over. He'd found a porn in his garage that probably belonged to his dad or brother. We watched it together and would do so regularly with different videos. But over time I guess I realized that I noticed the guys more than the girls…then I knew..." Danny could till by Stiles face that it didn't really help. He had no idea how to deal with other people's sexuality problems when he could barely deal with his own. Danny realized that the person that helped him get through this hard part of his life had been Jackson. He had helped him understand who he was and how to deal with it and he'd done it without any of the Jackson bullshit. He'd been so kind and understanding, it was one of the reasons Danny was friends with him through thick and thin…Danny really missed him but the last three months Jackson had looked so sick, though no one seemed to notice it but him. When Jackson stopped talking Danny had become fed up trying to defend Jackson's behavior to other people when Jackson hadn't bothered telling him what was wrong, his best friend. It was the straw that broke the camels back. He couldn't deal.
Stiles took a deep breath, the story was enlightening but it didn't really help. He had had his real life porn experience when he'd helped Jackson wash blood off his body. Sometimes right before waking he would dream of it, the feel of skin, the mounds of muscle, and the feel of Jackson's pubes. Stiles shook the thoughts out of his head, they wouldn't help him now, maybe later, when he was alone…
"Stiles! Did you hear anything I said?"
"Yea! I just-I was thinking- Never mind…okay. It just…how do you know for sure?"
"…I don't really know Stiles I just knew…maybe you're not having trouble knowing for sure…maybe you just need to stop fighting against it so hard and just…you know, accept it." Danny didn't know what brought on Stiles' sexual confusion, but he wanted to help, it was also really adorable.
Stiles sighed, he knew that, he thought he had done that last night, but every time he thought of telling Jackson, of finally confessing to him, it terrified him, he could lose him over something so…stupid. He wasn't sure if it would really change much. But the thought of having his heart broken by a guy simply because he wasn't gay, well that sucked because there was no way he could stay angry at him for that.
"Thanks Danny…I guess all I have to do is tell him," said Stiles.
Danny laughed, "So who's the lucky guy?"
"I-I its-I" Danny laughed, hard. All Stiles could do was splutter, blush, and try hard not to bitch slap Danny. The two spent the rest of the day just hanging out, even between classes. But at lunch Stiles told Danny he had something to do and went off in search of Jackson. Danny was too interested in seeing who Stiles was going to meet up with and wanted to know if it was his mysterious lover, so obviously he followed him.
Jackson sat on the bleachers thinking about how much he had changed. For the first time this week, with nothing too worry about and with no pain clouding his mind, he was able to focus on who he was. He realized that a lot of the anger he once had just no longer existed. His anger was a mask, one he didn't need anymore. He didn't have to hide who he was. At least not anymore, he wasn't who he was, he was new. It was a strange feeling.
He pulled out his lunch, cold leftovers from last nights takeout, and began to eat. His new heightened senses allowed him to enjoy food a way he never had before. He could taste every ingredient and smell them deep in his nose. This had actually caused a slight crisis the week after his transformation when all most everything in his household just smelled and tasted horrific. All the added chemicals and preservatives left the food tasting like hair spray, plastic, and roach poison. His parents had been looking for an excuse to switch to organic and locally grown food but could find no reason to do it. Jackson gave them a reason, he refused to eat anything that came saturated in preservatives and chemicals, even hormones had a taste, something Jackson learned when his dad made them burgers using non-organic non-grassfed ground beef. So, his parents made the switch, were happy about too since it wasn't really something people of Beacon Hills were doing. They felt avant-garde, something Jackson had to give the biggest eye roll he could muster without them rolling permanently into the back of his skull.
Over his lunch Jackson smelled the lemony freshness that always seemed to accompany his favorite person. Stiles was making his way slowly across the field. He was nervous, Jackson could hear Stiles' heart and the closer he came he could smell the acidic vinegar odor of nervousness. Jackson seemed to be getting better at identifying emotions through their smells, something apparently not many bitten could do.
Stiles smiled and joined Jackson on the bleachers. He just sat there not talking or eating but Jackson could hear the way his heart was slowly beating faster, like it was trying to build up steam. Jackson couldn't help but laugh, "Dude, whatever it is just tell me. You're kind of starting to freak me out."
Now that Stiles had made it all the way out here all he wanted to do was run, this was a bad idea, a stupid idea, why would Jackson choose him over Derek. The questions and doubts were never ending and all self depreciating. They all stopped when Jackson wrapped his arm around Stiles' shoulder and pulled him close.
"Dude seriously stop okay. Whatever it is you can tell me." Stiles wasn't so sure but he took a deep breathe.
"Okay, I was just wondering…if maybe…UGH!...okay, do you want to go watch a movie with me-"
"Sure," was Jackson's quick and easy response, he didn't know why Stiles was so nervous about this.
Stiles chuckled. Of course Jackson was going to answer so quickly, he didn't know he meant it as a…date. 'Okay, one more time'
"Yea it's just I don't just want to watch a movie…"
"Okay you want to get something to eat too," fucking Jackson wasn't making this easy.
"Actually that sounds kind of nice…But I meant something else its just I don't…Okay, I meant it as a date okay…"
"Oh," was the only thing Jackson could think of saying. He had never thought that Stiles felt this way about him. He always assumed that Stiles treated him the way he treats every person, with a massive amount of kindness and compassion…and annoyance. But he didn't, Jackson was special. He blushed. He liked Stiles, but he didn't know if he liked liked Stiles. He could think of no better way to find out than a date. "Okay let's do this, how about today after school we can watch that new action movie."
"Okay…okay…really. I mean yeah okay that sounds great I can't wait," Stiles started to laugh…hysterically. "Cool, so I guess you can pick me up, you know cause your cars nicer and I've always wanted to drive it, like around six I guess. There's no practice today so it's not a problem….it's just…I mean. Why?" Stiles really needed to learn to stop talking, like right now.
"Why what? Why…did I say yes," Stiles nodded, "dude, low self esteem much! I mean I like you and I want to get to know you better. I can't promise you that this is going to work out, but what I do know is that I want it to. I really like what you and I have and…if we can have more…well I want it." It was really that easy for Jackson, he liked Stiles, a lot, so why couldn't he have more of him. Stiles made him feel like no one else had, a way he thought Lydia once made him feel long, long ago when they first started dating.
Danny watched from far away, he saw Stiles walk up to Jackson saw him sit next to him and slowly but surely turn a slight shade of red. What shocked him was seeing Jackson laugh and throw his arms around Stiles, saw him talk. Jesus, when did Jackson start talking…to Stiles! He looked so healthy…Shit, Danny had made the biggest mistake of his life. He had cut off his friend because he was tired of putting up with his bullshit, but there was no bullshit. It was a sign of something big and Danny had ignored it because he was a bad friend. Jackson looked so different now, his hair was long since he hadn't cut it in months, his clothes were muted colors, but he was laughing now and he looked so healthy. His pale clammy skin looked tanned and shinning. He was smiling, Danny had to run.
From within the trees Derek watched Stiles. Cute unassuming Stiles who just asked Jackson out, knowing that Derek wanted to do the same. He didn't know how to feel about that. Did Derek like Jackson the same way Derek knew Stiles did? Well, he wasn't sure. One thing Derek did know was that he wanted to fuck Jackson, he wanted to throw Jackson down on the forest floor and ravage him, and Jackson could take it. But first he had to get him back from Stiles.
