BLUE SCRUBS

ACT ONE SCENE FOURTEEN

THE COURTYARD BETWEEN Y AND Z WING.

(A/N First of all I have a huge apology to make. Lily has been referring to Ethan as Mr Hardy in the last scene when he's Mr Raceheart. I will try to find some logical explanation for this but fear it might take time!

On with the story, and here's merry wee Rita with her clipboard at the ready as the prisoners assemble to hear the news.)

RITA: Now, as it's Halloween tomorrow, Mrs Beauchamp's decided you can decorate your cells. There'll be a prize for the best male and female cell.

JEFF MAC: What do we get, the key to the outside door?

RITA: (Giggling.) No, naughty boy. You'll find out what the prize is if you win. Now don't make them too disgusting or you'll have to be disqualified, but use your imaginations. You'll be allowed to do those in Craft class where Mr Fairhead can see you. It'll be a nice way of you all getting to meet Mr Fairhead as well.

(She sings, to the tune of 'The Lady's Paying' from Sunset Boulevard.)

RITA: We'll make the best Halloween in history, just wait and see.

Ghoulies ghosts and bats hung from the ceiling.

Pumpkin faces glowing to light up your cell, so cute as well.

Sure to generate a happy feeling.

You can tell a scary tale, make your cell mate shake and wail,

Or invent the tragic tale of a girl dumped by a male,

Who then hung herself one evening, now her spectre haunts this jail.

With fun like this, you're sure to make a slaying,

And it won't cost a bean, the prison's paying.

ROBYN: Miss Freeman, it's very unkind of you to joke about people who've been dumped. It's happened to some of us, you know.

RITA: Oh, chicken, I'm so sorry.

(Mrs Bateman comes over.)

MRS BATEMAN: Miss Freeman, we do not call the prisoners 'chicken'. Miller, get a grip or I shan't let you go to Mr Fairhead's craft class.

VOICE: I don't care a stuff about Mr Fairhead. I'm innocent and I'm not staying here without a fight.

(And Kathleen Dixon, known as Dixie, strides up to Rita, which scares her a little because she giggles, a sure sign that Rita's scared.)

RITA: This is our new prisoner, who likes to be called Dixie. Let's give her a real Holby cheer now.

(Silence as Dixie glares round. Mrs Bateman comes over again.)

MRS BATEMAN: I'll take over now, Rita. (Aside.) 'A real Holby cheer.' I've heard it all now. (Aloud.) This is Dixon, one more of you horrible lot to look after. She's sharing a cell with Hanna and Miller.

(Robyn and Zoe look at each other in shock.)

ZOE: Why us?

MAX: Hey, you can always come in with me, Zoe, gorgeous.

MRS BATEMAN: Walker, you're on report. Dixon, I'll show you to your cell.

ZOE: We need to be there Mrs Bateman, to make sure she knows which bed's free.

DIXIE: I'll take what f***ing bed I like.

MRS BATEMAN: That answers that. She'll take what f***ing bed…. (wailing.) You've made me say a bad word, you wretch! Take over again, Rita.

DIXIE: Wait, you old boot. I want to tell it how it is so those two bitches I'm sharing with get the message.

(She sings to the tune of 'When you're good to Mama' from Chicago:)

DIXIE: Got a little motto, always sees me through,

When you're bad to Dixie, Dixie's bad to you.

Bother her at tea time, sabotage her brew,

Play a trick on Dixie, she'll have a piece of you.

Now you may think it's fun to sneer and fill my bed with grass,

But will you still be laughing with a knife stuck in your ass?

(Robyn starts to cry. Zoe hugs her.)

DIXIE: We should pull together, like the Holby crew.

Pull a stroke on Dixie, she'll pull the plug on you.

(She more or less drags Dixie away. Zoe and Robyn hurry after her nervously.)

RITA: Well now, aren't we going to have some fun tomorrow? Ooh now that reminds me, two very lucky people will be given day release for some work experience later this week. And guess who it is! Calvino because he's had a nasty time this week with nearly being taken back home and shot, and Ben because he's been a good quiet boy.

MAX: Seriously? Work experience? I didn't know that happened in a prison.

RITA: It's one of Mrs Beauchamp's new ideas. And just guess where you boys will be working? The Zoo! And I'll be taking you there!

JEFF COLLIER: They'll be using shovels all day then. Steamy times, boys!

MAX:} (Singing.) Rita's taking them to the zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow.

Rita's taking them to the zoo tomorrow, then can stay all day.

JEFF MAC:} They're going to the zoo, zoo, zoo, cleaning up poo, poo, poo…

(Lily comes through with Ethan behind her.)

LILY: Listen up! Because of Halloween celebrations there'll be no Tai Chi till next week.

(Groans of disappointment. Lily can't help smirking. Then she glares.)

LILY: Mr HARDY OR DO YOU PREFER RACEHEART! Will you stop sniffing at me?

ETHAN: I just wanted to know what perfume you were wearing today…

LILY: (In a fury.) THIS ONE!

(She takes a bottle of Vera Wang from her pocket and pours it over his head. Ethan protects his eyes and runs off to take a shower. Mrs Beauchamp comes in and is not pleased.)

MRS BEAUCHAMP: Ms Chao! My office!

RITA: (Trying to keep the happy mood.) What a jolly day we're having!

END OF SCENE FOURTEEN

SCENE FIFTEEN

ZOE AND ROBYN'S CELL

(Max is seen risking punishment by hanging around outside; he's there in case of any violence from Dixie towards the woman he loves. Hearing footsteps he ducks out of sight. Zoe, Robyn, Dixie and Mrs Bateman come along with Dixie's possessions in a bag. Robyn is still very scared.)

DIXIE: Okay, Bateman, I'll tell these two which cell I want, you can s*d off now.

MRS BATEMAN: Watch your lip. Mrs Beauchamp will see you at 4pm.

DIXIE: Like I'm scared of her.

(Mrs Bateman goes out. Dixie suddenly smiles.)

DIXIE: Okay, girls, which bed's free?

ROBYN: A-any one you w-want.

DIXIE: Hey, let's drop the act. I only put on my bitch face to fool the screws. Show those swines that you're getting on with your cell mates and what do they do? They split you up. Look as if you're scaring your roomies and the screws love it. So come on, which bed's free?

ZOE: You okay with the top bunk?

DIXIE: Fine by me, kid. (Holding out her hand) Kathleen Dixon, but I like Dixie.

ZOE: (Holding out her own hand.) Zoe Hanna.

ROBYN: (Shakily holding out her hand.) R-Robyn Miller.

DIXIE: I love that Robbo jacket.

ROBYN: Zoe made it.

DIXIE: Seriously, if I give you a couple of phone cards will you make me one as well?

ZOE: I'd love to.

(Dixie produces an even bigger hip flask than the one Zoe has, and holds it out.)

DIXIE: To us three.

(They hold up their glasses and sing to 'Together Wherever We Go' from Gypsy:)

DIXIE: Whatever we do, wherever we go,

We're gonna go through it together.

ZOE: Though we're stuck in here,

Our future is clear,

We'll all persevere, we're together.

ROBYN: Where ever I go I know she goes,

DIXIE: Where ever I go, I know thee goes,

ZOE: Whatever, the whole of us three goes, amigos, together.

(They start to do a little dance as quietly as possible.)

DIXIE: We start off quite fit,

ZOE: We flounder a bit-

(Robyn falls over and the others help her up.)

ALL: We end in the sh*t but we know

It's you for me and me for you,

We'll muddle through whatever we do,

Together wherever we go.

(Mrs Bateman raps on the door.)

MRS BATEMAN: Is everything all right in there?

ROBYN: (Putting on a whiney voice.) I'm scared Mrs Bateman!

MRS BATEMAN: You'll just have to be a big girl for once, Miller.

(Her footsteps recede. We hear her shouting.)

MRS BATEMAN: Walker, what are you doing skulking out here?

DIXIE: (Softly.) He was here when I came in, thought I couldn't see him. Aww I bet he was hanging around to protect you because he believed my badass act.

(Zoe looks pensive and her inner thoughts are suddenly revealed. This is 'Don't get me wrong'.)

ZOE: Don't get me wrong,

I can't stop the silly b*gger

From always trying to get right in my face.

Don't get me wrong

If he says "hello" with those lovestruck eyes

And he looks at me as if I'm his prize,

It's not my fault the boy's a basket case.

Don't get me wrong,

He's not making me distracted,

I'm sulking about the way I'm stuck

Within these prison walls.

Each thing he says

Sounds really over-acted,

I get the urge to kick him

In his horny little b*lls.

Don't get me wrong,

If I think I might just like him,

It's only till a better man

Than him might come along,

Don't get me wrong.

(As Robyn, Dixie and Zoe chat and giggle, we now see Max standing outside and hear his inner thoughts. This is Divine Comedy's 'Everybody knows that I love you'.)

MAX: Everybody knows that I love you,

Everybody knows that I need you,

Everybody knows that I do

Except you.

I told the morning sun, yes, I've told everyone.

A fat rat on the ledge, I drove it off the edge.

I told both of the Jeffs,

And got the 'look of death'

And I'll get through to you,

If it's the last thing I do.

Everybody knows that I love you, etc.

I told the prison cat,

He arched his back and spat,

I told folks passing by,

I made poor Charlie cry.

And I'll get through to you

If it's the last thing I do… oooohhh..

Everybody knows that I love you,

Everybody knows that I need you,

Everybody knows it's true

Except you.

(Dixie comes out.)

DIXIE: Message from Zoe. She says p*ss off.

END OF SCENE FIFTEEN

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