Chapter 9:

The thrill of growing closer to Jacob soon subsided as we settled into a comfortable routine. Most of my hope for anything more than a friendship had dissipated as days passed. I didn't seem to mind, still content to have the role I had. I'd be lying to say I never thought of it, but I pushed away all urges to plot a scheme to "woo" Jacob. I supposed I gave enough hints along the way without trying. Sometimes it was hard to ignore the connection and attraction, but my intentions were to just be there for him and his son.

I had convinced myself long before I met Jacob that I could live without intimacy. There was a risk associated with growing close to someone, and I couldn't face the heartbreak that came with that risk. It was clear that I was needed in their lives, and for that fact I was happy. I could pretend that it was normal to suppress my attraction and I didn't risk being hurt like I had before.

As the summer drug on my time with them became limited. Sue would be returning soon as Cooper's caregiver, and I would be set free of the responsibility. Alice continually reminded me that I was finding excuses to hang on to them because they were a distraction from returning to real life. Maybe she was right, but I enjoyed going shopping, and running errands for them and seeing their faces at mealtime. It gave me a duty, a sense of pride. I didn't want to return to a real life, I wanted them to become my life. I couldn't explain that to Alice, because she'd not rest until she had schemed me and Jacob into matrimony. I couldn't make her realize that matrimony didn't always mean satisfaction. That was just how Alice was. I couldn't confide in Rachel either. Although I'm sure she had some suspicions, she never questioned my intentions with her brother. I felt like maybe she'd disapprove of me dating Jake and I shouldered the burden alone without a friend.

My last week was incredibly hard. I had dreaded it with infinite passion. My fear was that we would drift apart-out of sight, out of mind. I couldn't lose Jacob and Cooper. My life depended on them too much. Jacob had avoided talking about life after Sue's return and I couldn't bring myself to discuss it. Living for the moment was my new motto.

"Bella, I want to give you something. It's not much," Jacob said to me on Monday evening just one week before Sue resumed her duty. I had been feeling down the entire day and even Cooper had noticed that I was sad. I plastered a half-hearted smile on my face and went into my normal pretend mode.

He grabbed my hand and led me out behind the house with Cooper fast on our heels. On the back of the property just as the yard merged with overgrown forest was a metal garage that Jake had used when he was just a teenager. The tattered building had been home to his dream and was as much a part of him as La Push. On the dirt pad just in front of the door was an faded red truck.

"It was my dad's and he doesn't have a use for it anymore. It's all yours if you want it. I've done some work on her and she runs." Words failed me as he introduced me to my gift. I admired the antique Chevrolet truck. It was rough in some spots, but looked durable.

"I don't really know what to say." Words seemed unimportant in that moment. It was such a sweet gesture.

"You don't want it, do you?"

"Are you kidding? I love it, but I shouldn't…"

"Consider it payment for babysitting...and cleaning...and cooking...and ironing my clothes," he said with a wide smile. My heart sank. I wanted to fight the feelings that were erupting, because I knew he hadn't intended to make me feel that way. But my arms wrapped around his neck before I could tell them not to, crossing an invisible barrier set long ago. Tears welled in my eyes and a heavy lump sat in my throat. I choked back the tears.

"Jake, I do all that for you and Cooper," I said once I had let go of him. I was careful to put some distance between us.

"Please accept it," he urged. He opened the passenger door and I climbed in.

"Only if you're sure," I said checking out the steering wheel and the dashboard controls.

"You want to drive it home?"

"Um, yeah I guess." He tossed the keys at me.

He showed me the ins and outs of the truck, along the way explaining what he had done to fix it up for me. I could hardly contain my excitement and stopped to show it to Alice before heading home.

"Well it's certainly safe, which is exactly what you need." Alice was being patronizing but I didn't care. I was excited.

"Thanks. It was so nice of Jacob to just give it to me." I leaned against the tailgate with a great feeling of ownership.

"He owes you anyway," Alice said with a sharp tone.

"No he doesn't. I enjoy taking care of them." I could see her suppress an eye roll and she crossed her arms on her chest.

"You're falling for him." Her eyes became slits as she narrowed her glare. I cleared my throat.

"No, I'm not."

"How do you know he doesn't have a girlfriend? He has never made a pass at you, something is definitely wrong." Alice handled things in her way and her way was straight-forward and to the point.

"A man and woman can be friends without sexual interference," I snipped with a tinge of irritation. I wanted to live for the moment and she was casting a dark cloud over my state of mind with her honesty.

"Look I know I'm pushy and it grates your every nerve but if you're falling for him you've got to tell him. Bella, honesty is the best policy." Her eyes softened and the corners of her mouth curved up into a sweet smile.

I knew she was right. It would only be a matter of time before I slowly faded from their life. I had to secure my place and I had to make Jacob aware of my feelings.

Bella,

We have other plans for dinner, no need to cook.

Jake

I was a bit stung by the note. One reason, I found great pleasure in taking care of Jacob and Cooper. Second reason: this was my last night as babysitter, I had hoped to fix a going away dinner that would leave a good memory of me.

I secretly wondered if the other plans would include a date with someone. Alice had planted a seed in my mind that I couldn't shake. I internally scolded myself for allowing my thoughts to turn that direction. I was certain that Jacob wasn't seeing anyone. We had become close enough friends that I would surely know. Besides when would have time. And if he was, it wasn't any of my concern.

The afternoon passed too quickly. I tried to store every second in the vault of my mind, not wanting to lose any memory of Cooper's sweet face. Other than a brief friendship I didn't have any ties to Jacob. Would this be my last day in Cooper's life.

Jake came in with two pizza boxes. I supposed whatever plans he had for dinner were going to take place at home.

"Do you need me to stay longer? If you have something else you need to do I don't mind watching Cooper." I offered.

"Well I'm not much of a cook but I wanted to repay the favor, so this is my dinner offering to you. We'd love for you to stay." A ridiculous smile spread across my face as I got the plates from the cabinet.

"Bella, can you stay and watch a movie," Cooper asked after I cleared the table and tidied up the kitchen. I was speechless, not sure how to respond. I didn't want to upset the child, who had such affection for me, but on the other hand, I didn't want to cross my boundaries with Jacob. I was certainly going to miss being here and if I could prolong the inevitable I would.

"I think that would be a great idea," Jacob said grabbing my hands and pulling me from the kitchen.

Cooper was already standing by the TV with a DVD in hand. I sat down on the couch and Cooper crawled up in my lap. Jacob sat on the opposite end. He turned the lamp off as the beginning credits began to play.

Halfway through the movie, Cooper became really still. The flickering light from the TV shone on his innocent face and my heart seemed inflated. I rubbed his soft ink-black hair as he lay content in my lap. I loved this child with the depths of my heart. I couldn't imagine loving another child this way. Tears started forming and I blinked to keep them from falling. Although Jake promised that I'd still get to spend time with them, I knew things were changing.

I let the movie finish, and glanced at Jacob to see he had also fallen asleep and that he was just an overgrown version of the child in my lap.

After I tucked Cooper into bed and kissed him goodnight, I tiptoed through the living room and Jake was still asleep.

"Bella," Jacob mumbled in the dark. I couldn't tell if he was asleep or awake. I walked over to him and he was sitting upright. He switched the lamp on and I sat down.

"Hey, sorry for crashing on you." He rubbed his eyes and yawned.

"No worries, I was just leaving. Coop is asleep in his room."

"I need to talk to you if that's okay."

"Sure anything." My heartbeat raced hoping beyond hope that this conversation was the one I had dreamed of. The one were Jacob confesses his feelings for me and something blooms from our friendship. Things had been going so well, and there was definitely a swirl of something between us.

"This is so weird for me to say." He seemed nervous about what was coming next, and my heart began to swell. I felt the pieces fitting together. Jake had waited to move to the next level until I was no longer in service to him and Cooper. It was a thought that I had once entertained on one of many sleepless nights. Rest seemed intrusive as my mind would rather think about Jacob and my thoughts would often escalate into that forbidden place. As it were, I never allowed the same thought to reemerge. It just seemed wrong. But here he was before me, nervous and almost tongue tied, that it seemed that part of those dreams was going to come true-my longing and my wishing not in vain. I smiled tentatively to contain my excitement.

"Just say it," I encouraged, barely able to get the words passed my lips, my entire body full of hope.

"Well, since the bonfire," he began. That was the first night we bonded, my heart seemed to be soaring in anticipation. This was certainly going in my favor. My ears seemed to open for the sweet words I wanted him to say.

"Well, it's just….well….it's Embry. He's been all over me to set you two up. It seems like he might really be sincere about dating you. I threatened to fire him though if he done you wrong."

"Embry?" I was crushed, deflated. Granted I hadn't proclaimed my love for Jacob, but surely the subtle things I did or said hadn't gone unnoticed at all. The connection between us was unbelievable, magical. Surely I wasn't the only one aware of that. Part of me was saying "I told you so" and the other part wanted to shake some sense into him.

"You remember him right?" He asked with an amused smirk. He seemed to find great pleasure in my rejection of his friend.

"Yes," I managed to mumble.

"Bella, are you alright? If you don't want to…" My apparent discomfort seemed to signal him to think the problem I had was with his friend.

"Jake, it's not that." The let down was slowly dissolving and I saw the opening.

"Then what?"

"I just thought…. Never mind it's stupid. I'm stupid." I stood up. My courage fled and I wanted to take back the words.

"You're losing me."

"Forget it. I should be going." My eyes were glued to the floor. I feared imminent doomed if I looked at him.

"Bella!"

"I was wrong. I misjudged the situation." The words ran together and it took a minute for him to realize that I had completed what I wanted to say.

"What?"

With a deep breath, I decided to just spill it. Part of living for the moment was saying what it was you wanted to say in that moment. "I don't know. I just thought there was something happening between us. I guess it was one sided."

"Oh," he whispered. "No, honey." He moved to my side appraising my face. I knew he was looking for tears to see if I was hurt which made me want to cry that much more. I bit the inside of mouth and squeezed my lids to keep any tears from falling.

"I'm sorry. I should have known better."

"Oh, Bell!" he wrapped his arms around me and despite the anger and embarrassment warring in me I couldn't help but to relax. His embrace felt warm and inviting. "I adore you. You're an incredible, wonderful, selfless person. But honey, I'm no good for you. You deserve more than I can give you. I'm afraid friendship is all I have to offer."

"I'm sorry," I mumbled into his storng chest.

"Don't think it's not crossed my mind. I'm very much attracted to you and I enjoy being with you. But I couldn't do that to Cooper. It would break him when I messed this up. I'm not sure I have room for more than him right now."

I knew he was being sincere and I had no other choice but to respect him. I would just have to accept that my feelings for Jacob were in vain, and focus on our friendship and being there for Cooper. As hard as was for me, I would have to at least try. After, all it seemed Jacob was sacrificing his feelings for the sake of his son. I'm not sure exactly how that helped either of them but I could only trust Jake to be right. He was convinced that he needed to keep me at a distance to be a good father. I felt differently. We were a team. I realized in that moment that we were a good team.

"Bella, you're welcome here anytime and I want you to be part of my life, part of Cooper's life. I don't want that to change. I hope you can understand."

"Clearly. I'm happy to be friends with you."

I left that evening in a fog, resigned to being a friend. That night I dreamed of riding on Jake's motorcycle and kissing him in the rain.