a/n: this party is going to be in more than one part –– so here's the first one. I guess you can consider the ending a cliffhanger but I don't mean it as such –– it's just the cleanest part to end it. I'm already writing the next part so I'm looking to have it up in the next couple of days! Thank you to all the reviews follows, favorites, etc. They mean a whole bunch, really and I totally appreciate them/try to get to all of them. So we have a couple of chapters of high school parties! okay so this is not me condoning underage drinking, do I need to throw that out there? I'm not going to get into my own stories but there are parts of my growing up/high school times in here and things but overall don't do this kids it's bad etc.
my tumblr blog (same url as here because I'm full of 1000000% creativity and hot pies) is all about awkward boners and my personal life basically, but if you want to shoot me a message in regards to this you can do it there or pm me here.
thanks to mari for reading my words to the point of ridiculousness as well as being my sanity, colleen being perf and the reason this is written. kismet4891 for keeping me on track with what's needed in fanfics.
I want you to want me
I need you to need me
I'd love you to love me
I'm begging you to beg me
I want you to want me | cheap trick
.09.
The music seems to hit me first with it all, a loud wave of sound seeming to wash over me. There's loud grungy electric guitars and I hear some voices over the music, but her front door opened up to a small hallway that is deserted so I don't see anyone yet. "If you want to take your shoes off you can put them there," She nods to the side where I see a bunch of other shoes thrown. Jackets are also piled but I don't add my things to it all. I'm fine with having my shoes on, as long as Johanna isn't forcing me to take them off as custom in her house like some people's houses I've been to. And anyway, I'm keeping my long shirt on and don't have a separate coat –– I just hope the party doesn't take a turn for the outside. I really rather not have to scramble for my things in the morning, no matter what kind of state I wake up in.
She doesn't take off her shoes either but she shrugs off her large leather jacket and throws it not even looking back. Her red shirt is almost a second skin and comes to a low v that leaves nothing to my imagination as I avert my eyes. But she was watching me, of course, and so she smirks. "Like what you see? Wanna forget that little crush of yours and let me have my way with you? Give the school some real rumors to talk about?"
I shake my head and look away from her. The idea of anything sexual with Johanna is actually borderline frightening to me; her power and knowledge and domination over me in a situation like that is just too much and I try not to think of it. "I thought you were exclusively fucking Gale anyway," I say to her, and I try to use her lingo without seeming like a bumbling blushing virgin that I know she's looking at me like.
She steps closer and I know now that I'm red in the face and I feel flustered as I step back. "I'd make an exception for you, Bread Boy," She tells me and winks as she lets her eyes go down. I don't listen as she makes a comment about a Breadstick. I thank everything within me –– I thank Jakob too, there's a first for everything –– that I'm not hard and she can't further mock me. She seems satisfied in her joke and realizes that she won't raise me (dammit, mind) to take it further and smiles friendly at me, as if she wasn't just insinuating having sex with me. "Come on, Mellark. Relax, it's a fucking party. Now let's bring that cake to the kitchen so we can get some alcohol running through our systems."
Once we get out of the hallway I see people. I recognize people's faces and names from the main fact that most of them are older than me and I'm therefore basically obligated to know who they are just like they are obligated to not know what my name is at all. There are people from my grade –– our grade, mine and Katniss' grade –– and I've been in the school system with some of them since preschool so of course I know all of their names and faces. It's not too hard really, in our small town. I can only imagine how it'd be if I had to remember five hundred people just alone in my grade like I've heard of the schools in nearby bigger towns and cities. Well the cities, they were even worse. In the kitchen there's a keg in the corner that a couple of people stand around as well as a couple liquor bottles in varying levels of consumption along the table. Johanna drops the bag on the table and looks up and smiles. "There's the birthday girl!"
I make sure I put the box down first before I look at her. When I do I'm absolutely stunned, but I guess I always am. She's scowling, and I can only assume that it's because her hair is down and the "birthday girl" tiara on her head –– there is no way she picked that out for herself. But as much as I love her smile, love it in its subtlety and rarity, her scowl is something I love as well. I'm biased and a blundering fool for her, I know, but just the sight of it makes me want to smile and try to find a way to have it relax off of her face. Not that we're at all in the type of friendship where I could do that, really. Are we even friends? We have to be, she invited me herself to her birthday party. So we're friends. Somewhat. Not the type of friends that can joke a scowl off each other's (hers, really, I don't think I'll probably ever scowl in her presence) face. Yet.
Yet.
She's wearing an overlarge Joan Jett shirt, tight (dear god) black pants, and chunky boots. I'm sure it was Johanna that got the heavy eyeliner on her; it resembles Johanna's even. I try not to stare at how she looks in these clothes, how she looks with her hair down, with everything about it all, really, because all I'd need would be for her –– or worse, really, for Johanna –– to notice, so I direct my smile at her face. Her scowl lessens and Johanna comes to her and swings her arm around her shoulder. "We come bearing booze and food!" She announces, and quickly hands a large bottle to Katniss.
Katniss looks at Johanna, not even truly acknowledging me (I try not to take it personally). "Food?"
Johanna gets that crazy smile of hers on again as she just turns and gets herself a large bottle identical to Katniss'. "Peeta, say hello to the birthday girl and tell her what you brought." She doesn't even turn around when she barks out the order.
I turn to Katniss and she's eyeing my suspiciously. I get a cup thrusted in my hands, courtesy of Johanna –– still not looking at us –– and I eye it suspiciously. It's dark, and I can definitely smell alcohol, but both her and Katniss have bottles and I'm just wondering exactly what kind of concoction she's handing me. She rolls her eyes when she turns around and sees I haven't a) said anything to Katniss because I'm b) staring at my drink that I haven't c) consumed still. "It's rum, Blondie. You said to get you rum, I got you rum. That's a good ol' rum and coke there. Drink up me hearties yo ho, and all that drunk pirate talk." She makes a shooing gesture with her hand and I take a deep breath and take a sip.
It's strong –– definitely much stronger than I wanted. But I figured that's what it'd be; Johanna fixed my drink afterall. The liquid burns at the back of my mouth a bit but the coke fizzes and almost smoothes it down, and I want more. I also want to cough, the liquor burning. But I don't take another sip and I hold back the feeling of an itch at the back of my throat as I listen to the other thing that Johanna said to do: I have to say hello to the birthday girl. She's still watching me, one eyebrow cocked and yet still a scowl somehow is there on her.
I offer her a smile and signify doing a cheers to her with my drink. "Hey, Katniss. Happy Birthday," I tell her.
She only hesitates for a second before she cheers my drink with her own bottle and we both drag our respective drinks to our lips as we drink more. There's a big forty at the top of the label of hers and I see that she tries to fight back showing a slight grimace after she's done taking a sip of her drink as well. She looks at me, then at the box on the table, and then back to me. "Why did Johanna say booze and food?" She asks suspiciously.
I offer her a quick smile and nod to the box to confirm her thought. "Well every birthday party needs a birthday cake, and seeing as how I work in the bakery..." I trail off and scratch behind my head and don't look at her. Is she going to get mad at this? I know that she has a tendency to not take something like this exactly well –– that moment of our interaction before this year that I try to not think about flashing before my eyes but I shove it away –– but I'm not meaning it as charity. "Well, I couldn't have us eating box-made cake if I could help it," I tell her, and I lift one cheek up in a smile.
She's still for a moment, but then her eyes crinkle, and I can almost see a smile, I can feel it in the air as she relaxes. I relax as well. "You di––" She struggles with her words and I can't help but find it adorable. "Th–Thanks." She looks at me, her cheeks slightly red at having to say thank you.
I smile wide at her and hope my cheeks don't burn like I know they want to and I nod –– probably a little over–enthusiastically. Johanna comes back over by us at that moment, and I notice that Madge and Gale are with us as well now. Gale has a can of some sort of beer as well as a separate cup in his other hand that is probably from the keg in the corner. His jeans are dirty and ripped but not in the way that my mother would scoff at because Seam Trash cannot keep up a damn good appearance and more in a way that made it seem purposeful. He has a long black shirt on and a flannel but that is tied around his waist. Madge seems to pop out from this group not only for her not–Seam looks but also from her choice of wardrobe with a side ponytail, a tied shirt and colorful leggings. I try to stop distracting myself, take another sip of my drink (less wincing after my sip, and I am slightly proud of it), and look over at Johanna because I know she has something in mind to say; she's the ringleader in a lot of this and she came over here with a purpose.
"Can we take a peek at the cake? We'll have it later, after we weed out some of the lightweights and only the VIPs are left. Come on, Cake Boy." I wonder briefly for a second if I'm part of the group she wants to weed out, but I don't think I am (I hope I'm not).
"Cake Boy?" All of these "boy" nicknames are getting old fast.
She smirks and steps closer. "Oh that's right, you're a man. Cake Man. I made a man out of you in that tub last party, right?"
My face, I know, is red and she's laughing along with a couple other people. I wonder if she has a bet with someone, or herself even, to see how many times she can make me blush. "Jesus Johanna, come on! You're the one that started that rumor and I really don't want to have to deal with that again." I don't want to look over at Katniss at this point. At all. They all know it was a joke but I can't look at her.
"Alright, alright, fine! Peeta! That better? Peeta, would you show us the cake?" She uses my name and stops laughing.
I look at the others' faces and I see that they all look pretty excited at the idea, and even Katniss looks curious. I'm excited and nervous, but I nod, and carefully open the box. A couple of other people come around by where we are crowded and I suddenly feel like this is some sort of art critique and they're going to judge my work. I know it ultimately doesn't matter, that these people will be too drunk to probably even use utensils, but I'm nervous because I just want Katniss to like it. I hear a couple of intakes of breaths when I move the box out of the way, and I wonder if any of these kids actually have been able to have a bakery-made cake for a birthday. It's not even that special of one, but it seems to be to them.
The music is playing and people all around us still talk, but our group is silent for a bit. Finally, Johanna mutters, "Damn you're good," And I can't help but smile slightly. I am satisfied with how it came out. It's not too showy but it shows a definite "from the bakery" feel to it all, and is something I feel proud of. My ongoing work on the wedding cake is still of course up in the air, a hit or miss, but that has a lot of pressure. And although there was pressure with this because it's for Katniss Everdeen, there's also barely any because the people here weren't even really expecting a cake let alone a bakery-grade one. It's half a sheet cake, and from the top view it seems pretty plain. The icing is just a plain buttercream and in green I wrote just the simple message of "Happy Birthday Katniss!" I also made both vanilla and chocolate cake inside, not knowing which anyone would prefer. I used Johanna's tip of green being Katniss' favorite color and I used the dark green buttercream I made for the edges. I went in after with a couple of different lighter greens (which really, it's easy to make with just adding more white buttercream) and creating swirling designs in the shape of trees. I'm a bit proud with how it came out, and seeing everyone's face of surprise I'd say I did a pretty good job.
"It looks great, Peeta," Madge finally tells me and squeezes my shoulder. I smile in thanks.
"How did you––" Katniss is looking at the cake in awe.
I feel my cheeks burn a bit and I try to guess what she's asking. "The green? That's your favorite color, right? Johanna said so."
She looks at me finally and smiles. My heart stutters a bit. "Thanks," She gets out, and then stronger, "Thank you." She already said thank you before, and I even tell her, "Don't mention it," but I feel so incredibly warm every time she says thank you. Katniss Everdeen is not known to give out thank yous, and I know that most likely she wants to tell me that I really shouldn't have, that it's stupid, but maybe it's the alcohol she's drinking, or maybe people told her to just accept if anyone gives her anything. Or maybe she genuinely wants to tell me thank you for this, that she truly and genuinely appreciates that I made this for her. My smile grows slightly at the thought.
Johanna slaps my back and I almost spill my drink. "It's a very nice cake, it is. So what'd you use as icing? Hmm? All that white stuff on top?"
"It's...icing..." I'm confused and looking at her with an eyebrow cocked and she just smirks as she wiggles hers at me and her eyes for a second go down. My face turns red at the implication and I force her hand away from me. "Did you really just go there, Johanna?" Fuck. I should start my own count of how many times I curse her, to rival the count of the times she makes me red.
"Johanna, stop making the kid as red as your shirt and keep your comments about his dick to yourself," Gale throws at her and she rolls her eyes with a "fine." She winks at me though, so I'm sure that the comments will still keep coming.
"I'm not a kid," I mumble quietly into my cup as I try to take a big gulp (and I wince, like a kid). Katniss watches me and smirks a bit when I mutter, so I know she heard me. She takes her own sip.
Johanna grabs my hand and the glint is in her eye. "Come on Cake Man, let's get everyone to the living room and dance." I quick glance at Katniss and she's looking right at me so I look back to Johanna. I know I can't get out of it so I just nod and make sure to take a big sip of my drink –– which she makes sure to refill before getting to the living room. My head feels light already, and this is usually the point where I stop drinking. I take another big gulp, and I don't even have to flinch. Did Johanna put less rum in this drink? Not likely. I probably am just getting used to it all and used to the taste.
Katniss, Gale and Madge, along with a couple other people in the kitchen follow us and we're all amongst a bunch of moving bodies. It's hard at first, the alternating between taking a drink and dancing, because I know to be able to deal with this I'll definitely need to be more than "just buzzed." So when the girls scream out as a Spice Girls song eventually comes on, I stop my movements as I stay on the "dance floor," and take slow sips. Johanna dances around me as she sings the words, trailing her hand on my chest, but then she grabs Gale and thrusts into him in a way that I have to stop watching and take a quicker sip. Madge and Katniss dance together, and when Madge turns to me, smirking, I see that Katniss is hesitant. But then the song is over and the group all comes back together. I'm still looking at Katniss, and she's looking right at me. I take a sip of my drink, I take a step closer, and I see her tense up.
"I––" She starts off, and she takes a step back as she looks away. I try to keep the disappointment off my face. "I need to make my rounds. You know," She points at her tiara and makes sure to not look at me. "Birthday girl necessities."
"Yeah well, you like us best so get back to us soon," Johanna calls after her but she's already disappearing in the crowds. Madge finds my hand and lightly squeezes while looking at me like I'm some sick three legged puppy, and I take my hand away from her. I know she's doing it just because she cares about me, but I don't want it. I take a long sip of my drink as the next song comes on, which is familiar but I can't place right away.
"Cheer up and just listen to the music, Mellark," Johanna tells me as she stands in front of me and rolls her hips in a way that the rest of her body follows fluidly. She sings along with the song when the lyrics come on, and it's a Rolling Stones song.
I'm so hot for her, I'm so hot for her, I'm so hot for her and she's so cold
I'm so hot for her, I'm on fire for her, I'm so hot for her and she's so cold
I'm the burning bush, I'm the burning fire, I'm the bleeding volcano
I'm so hot for her, I'm so hot for her, I'm so hot for her and she's so cold
"Are you fucking kidding me," I murmur into my drink as I bring it to my lips again and take another big gulp I'm starting to doubt the idea of coming here. Johanna comes closer, and she's still singing to me the words.
Yeah, I tried re-wiring her, tried re-firing her, I think her engine is permanently stalled
She's so cold she's so cold, she's so cold cold cold, like a tombstone
She's so cold, she's so cold, she's so cold cold cold like an ice cream cone
She's so cold she's so cold, I dare not touch her my hand just froze
"Johanna, stop," Madge says, who's standing next to me. We're in our own little bubble amongst everyone else it almost seems and Johanna is the only one dancing. Gale looks disinterested and tries to sneak glances past me as he casually drinks one of his two drinks. Madge on my other side just watches Johanna as she shakes her head. Johanna doesn't listen and I have more of my drink until it's done.
I stand there for a bit. 'Just listen to the music Mellark,' Johanna's voice repeats in my head.
She's so cold, she's so cold, cold, she's so c-c-c-old, but she's beautiful, though
Yeah, she's so cold, she's so cold, she's so cold, she was born in an arctic zone
"I'm getting more to drink," I announce and I don't care who listens as I push through the crowd, push past Johanna, and make it back into the kitchen. I can still hear the music and as I step into the place it runs through me. She's so cold she's so cold, cold, cold, I dare not touch her my hand just froze.
Yeah, it seems like Mick Jagger learned his lesson in a way I can't seem to.
I shake my head and then regret it when I'm in the kitchen, and squint from the amount of light. Were the lights this bright when we were in here just before? They hurt my head and it feels like it's loose upon my neck but I shake off the feeling and go to the table, not looking at the stupid cake I made. I want to throw it to the ground right now but instead I look at the liquor bottles and read the labels until I find the one that says "rum." I pour it in my glass, along with some more coke, and I make my way through the house along the edges of the living room. Gale and Johanna are dancing together, or more of just rubbing their lower halves together as they basically fuck with their eyes, and Madge is off on the other end talking to someone else and not paying attention.
I don't go back over to them, and even if they weren't grinding upon each other I wouldn't. I don't want to deal with them, so I just stand off to the edge and drink more of my drink in hopes that it can take away the feeling of absolute wallflower from me that doesn't belong here. I feel like a spotlight is on me that screams "Look at that kid standing all alone!" but at the same time, no one even looks over at me. I'm borderline at the feeling of just wanting to walk home and lock myself in my room as I blast some Morissey through my Walkman, but I stop myself from doing such a pathetic thing. Just because the girl of my dreams blew me off and can't even look at me for more than three seconds shouldn't hurt this bad. Definitely not.
I bring my drink to my lips again.
After a couple of songs I go to the bathroom and pee even though I don't have to that bad, just to give me something to do. I look at myself in the mirror for a while and take a deep breath. If she's so uncomfortable at the idea of me just taking a step towards her, why did she even invite me? I wonder if Johanna took it another step too far, if Johanna told her about my "little crush," and Katniss invited me as a fluke. I run my hands over my face a couple of times and try to shake the idea off but it's stuck on me now. I can just see Johanna sitting there laughing at the little Townie fool in the stories that Katniss tells her of how he tries to woo her. In my mind Katniss laughs too as she accounts for every attempt that I've made to be nice and all my attempts at humor are laughed at instead of with. I finish my next drink and I step out of the bathroom as someone starts to pound on the door. I head straight back into the kitchen and go to make myself another drink when I see that the rum is gone.
"You're drinking awfully fast, Peeta. I've never seen you drink this much at a party." Madge is at my side and watching me as I look for more rum. There's tequila and vodka, but I don't want them. I've heard bad stories about tequila (it makes guys angry and girls take their clothes off –– it's great!, my brother says) and vodka both, and I just am comfortable with the devil I've come to know this evening.
"Different party, different drinking," I mutter and look over at the keg that has a couple of people standing there and pumping it and serving. I make my way over and fill up a cup, and Madge does too. She looks at me disapproving but doesn't say another thing. The foam dies down a bit and the beer is shitty, but it's to be expected.
"Do you want to go back on the dance floor?" Madge asks me.
"No," I tell her and drink more of the shitty beer.
She sighs. "Look Peeta, I get it. You're upset that she didn't fall into your arms right away, but did you expect her too? That's not her, and you know it. That's not who you fell in love with all those years ago, and don't get pissy at her for that. It takes her a while to process emotions, but you're more patient than this crabby brat I'm seeing right now, so buck up." And with that she's gone.
I'm left standing there with my mouth opened like a fish out of water for a bit. Madge never has talked to me like that and I'm completely surprised. But I did deserve it. Everything she said is true and I feel like a pretty big idiot for how much I'm letting it impact me. I know how Katniss is, at least enough to know that she isn't the type to take a step towards a boy that steps towards her. Not right away, maybe not ever, but definitely not right away. But maybe I'm less mad at her for being her and more mad at me for being me. Maybe I'm just mad at myself for letting a girl wrap herself so tightly around me, for being so hopeless and helpless after one human being. I shake my head and feel it spin away from me and stumble a bit. I've drank more than I've ever drank, but I still take another big gulp of the beer in my hands as I go back to standing among the edge of the living room. There's less people already around so I am able to see a table with snacks a little away that I go over to and grab myself a cup full of pretzels. Katniss is back in the living room, and I watch as she talks to a couple different people. She doesn't look over at me. She makes her way to where Madge made it back by Johanna and Gale. I try not to stare at them but I do a horrible job at that and end up doing so. No one is really paying me any mind so it doesn't matter, really. Katniss talks calmly with Gale who is active in the conversation, but is also watching as Madge talks to Johanna. They're a bit off from the other two and Madge looks a bit mad as she whispers into Johanna's ears. Johanna has a scowl on and she rolls her eyes.
Yeah, I wonder who they're talking about.
I go to look over at Katniss again, but I catch Gale's eye instead. He holds my gaze, and very slightly arches up one of his eyebrows at me. I look away as I take another sip of my beer and then walk out of the living room, not being able to deal with watching them anymore. I do another refill and step outside for fresh air. The night has a chill to it and the crescent moon peeks through the trees in a way I've never been able to experience seeing but always wanted to. I roll my sleeves down feeling the cold, but it seems not as cold as it was when we got in. Off a bit away there's a couple people huddled in a circle with a sweet smelling smoke between all of them, another group that are all against the walls smoking cigarettes and not looking at each other, and then another two people pressed into each other as they suck each other's face off. I stand on the porch for a bit and bounce slightly on my toes until I go to the corner and sit on the railing. It's probably not the best idea I've had, drinking and sitting on something that doesn't have a back, but the fall isn't too far and to be honest I'm really not that opposed to the idea of being knocked out.
I can still hear the music from inside and the lyrics flow through clearly when another three people come out to join the smoker's wall. Cheap Trick is on, I want you to want me, I need you to need me, I'd love you to love me, I'm begging you to beg me. "Dammit," I mutter under my breath and drink more of my beer. I'm wondering if Johanna made up this entire playlist herself as just another way to taunt me, but at the end of the song I hear the radio DJ's voices and realize that my luck is just at an all time high tonight and the radio station just apparently has it out for me. I'm probably a spectacular sight to these kids, most of them being Seam, and there I am a Townie sitting all alone and I wonder if I look like I'm brooding. I probably do. I'm trying not to frown or furrow my eyebrows but I most certainly am not smiling. I don't pay attention to the door to the inside where I can see into the living room or the groups that are outside as well. I have my forearms laying against my knees and my cup dangles in between them as I hang my head and just feel the world spin a bit. I'm definitely some parts drunk, and I'm definitely just drinking alone. This all definitely wasn't at the top of my to do list for the evening, but then again I knew not to try and make one.
I get off the railing instead of bringing my head up because I have a feeling the momentum would have slammed me to the ground. I lean against the railing instead and slowly nurse the keg beer. My leg has a dull burn and I shake it out against the cold of the night. The groups move around, I hear them leaving and coming, but I stay where I am and stay alone. Or alone until after a bit I feel another's presence by me.
