Author's Note: Bits officially wrong now. Who the hell thought they would do an entire episode about parking places?
The phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hey." House leaned back in his office chair, tapping his cane against the floor. "What's up?"
"Are you still at work?"
"Yeah, every time I get to the parking lot my patient goes into respiratory arrest. You don't think that's actually a symptom, is it? I mean the parking lot thing."
"Yes, I'm sure the patient has a bizarre disease that is being treated inadvertently with proximity to grizzled jackasses."
House's eyes narrowed. "Are you mad?"
"No…"
"Yes, you are. You're mad. Why are you mad?"
"You could have called."
"Could of. Didn't. No, point in getting mad about that." There was a metallic clang. "What was that?"
"I dropped a spoon in the sink."
House smiled to himself a moment before widening the expression into a cocky grin. "Ah, honey. You cooked."
"Shut up."
"You did, didn't you? You made dinner."
"Shut up."
"Please tell me there aren't any candles involved."
"Shut up." There was a pause. "I just haven't seen much of you lately. When you said you didn't have any patients this morning, I thought…"
"Patient showed up around three."
"Right…okay."
"If you really miss me you could come by my office and miss me."
"No."
"You're no fun."
"Not after what happened last time."
"That was weeks ago."
"Every time I get into an elevator with an intern I get asked if I'm going down."
"So? Smack them. They're just interns." House pivoted, turning to look out the back window. "We never did it in my office, did we? Always in yours."
"No, we didn't. That would be because your office is made of glass."
"It has blinds." House defended. "I've always wanted to do that."
"I'm sorry, that speaks volumes about your psychological makeup."
"Why? Because I spend all my time in a certain place and I'd like to have some fond memories concerning it?"
"No, that you want to equate the insane amount of control you have over your fellows with having sex with me."
House squirmed. "I didn't say that."
"Don't pout. I was teasing."
"Yeah."
Wilson sighed. "I always wanted to have sex on the roof." He offered.
House quirked an eyebrow. "Really? Why? Is it a being outdoors thing or do you just like the idea of being above all the puny mortals?"
"Yes, that's it. I have a God complex, you didn't know?" House could hear Wilson's smile. "I just like the idea. You know. Out in the open, but nobody knows. Nobody can see you."
"Until the interns come up to sneak cigarettes and you wind up with a whole new bunch of comments for the elevator."
"Your turn."
"Cuddy's desk."
"Not unless you are in fact having sex with Cuddy."
"Fine." House pondered this shortly. "How about the back stairwell? Nobody would expect me to be there."
"That's because everyone takes the stairs to avoid you."
"I know. This would teach them."
"I am not having sex in public to frighten your fellows. Sorry."
"Okay, how about on the motorcycle?"
There was a pause. Wilson spoke slowly. "I'm listening."
House smiled. "I'd take you for a nice long ride into the country. You'd have your arms around my chest."
"That sounds nice."
"Out into the woods. Middle of nowhere. Stop by the side of the road."
"Nothing says romance like pulling pine needles out of your ass."
"Who said anything about pine needles? I'd just spin around, pull you close, open your fly…" House heard Wilson swallow hard.
"I…don't think…that would work..."
"Sure it would."
"No. I think we'd fall."
"Mood killer." House said. Reaching in his pocket, he found a lollypop purloined from the pedes desk. He pulled off the wrapper and stuck it in his mouth. "The convertible then."
"You still have that? Where the hell do you keep it?"
"In my parking spot in the garage, where else?"
"But you drive your bike back and forth to work everyday, and you park in the handicapped space."
"That doesn't mean I don't have a parking place, I'm a department head, you know, it has my name on it and everything."
"Why don't you just take it home?"
"Because if I parked it in the street it would get stolen."
Wilson said nothing. House could see him shaking his head.
"Don't tell Cuddy."
"I wouldn't dream of it."
"Anyway." House said, pulling the lollypop from his mouth and resting it against his bottom lip. "What if we took the convertible to the country? Drove through the back roads with the top down?"
"Can I drive?"
"What the hell, it's just a fantasy. You drive. And you be the one climbing over the gear box."
"No, you have to do it while I'm driving. That's the point."
House laughed. "What are you? In college?"
"What the hell? It's just a fantasy. I'm in college, came back home for break. You borrowed your father's car while he's out of town. We went for a joy ride."
"And I let you drive?"
"You really like me."
"And maybe I try to show you just how much I like you."
"Of course."
"Only if you promise to act all sweaty and scared, like you would have been if a man came on to you in college."
"Of course. We're just buds. How could I suspect anything else? I know there was that rumor going around but I ignored that, kids are so cruel."
"That's it." House said, pushing up out of his seat.
"What?"
"I'm coming to pick you up."
"Why?"
"My dad's out of town. Wanna go for a joyride?"
"You have a patient."
House stopped, rolled his eyes. "I can study for that tomorrow. Come on."
"Not a paper, a patient. I real, and I hope, live one."
"She's on a ventilator. Whose she gonna complain to?"
"No. I'm tired. I spent the last hour cooking."
House smiled. "Alright."
"This weekend however…" Wilson's voice pitched a little higher. "I mean, I was gonna go to this party but…I don't know. My high school friends might be there you know? It would be, like, awk-ward. Will your Dad be out of town Friday?"
"Yeah, sure."
"Then totally."
"Great." House said. Through the glass, he saw Chase, coming towards him, a printout in one hand. "Gotta go. I think my report card is coming."
"See you Friday."
"Definitely."
Dial tone.
