APOV
Daniel took me back to the house a couple weeks after Beca got checked in. I hadn't been there since the day I got back from Boston. Walking into the entrance the first thing I could smell was pot. The living room was trashed. There were burn marks on the couch and empty weed bags were everywhere. There was a mirror on the coffee table and on it was a fine dusting of white powder, a razor and a straw. Empty bottles littered the ground and every surface.
This was the layout for almost every room. The hardest thing to see was what was left of her studio. She had ripped her equipment out of the wall, thrown it on the ground and from the looks of it beat it with a bat. Her writing book was open on the floor. I picked it up and noticed a page dated from two days before I found her.
Aubrey,
I more than fucked up this time. I took screwing up and made it an Olympic grade sport. I've never felt this empty before Bree. You're gone, and I don't think I'm getting you back this time. Truthfully I don't deserve you back. You are so amazing, and some other woman is going to come along and show you that better than I ever could. You're so smart, I've always been so proud of you for that. Always top of everything. How you could end up with an idiot like me is beyond me.I deserve this pain. I cheated on you, betrayed you. I'm so sorry doll. You deserve so much better than me. Just know one thing Aubrey. I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will. I hope you find what you need.
Beca
I slid down the wall, sobbing violently. Daniel came down, and he took the notebook from my hand. Once he read it, he knelt down beside me and pulled me in for a hug.
"Aubrey, you know she loves you. She's getting clean, and then you guys will sort everything out. You guys always do. I'm so sorry you had to see this. You are so strong, and she needs that strength. Two more weeks and she comes home baby. Then you can both start to heal."
BPOV
"I don't know, I just felt like, if I didn't have her I needed something to keep me happy. Drugs did that for a time. Chloe did that for an even shorter time." I told my therapist.
"Chloe, huh? She's the girl that started this spiral?" I nodded. "I don't know for sure, but it sounds to me like you were no more than a game to her. She gave you your first line right?" Again I nodded. "You could've said no but, my thinking is you were already drinking and smoking marijuana and in that intoxicated state, you didn't."
"I loved that first high. There was nothing like it. I felt free of the guilt I had been feeling for days. Then in the morning, more guilt than before. What would my dads have thought? Or Aubrey? So I did more, trying to not think about it. But I just thought more. The cycle continued until Aubrey found me. Then I OD'd and ended up here."
"Are you glad you're here?" he asked
"Absolutely." I answered, more sure than anything about it.
"What are you hoping to get from this?"
"A second chance." I smiled.
I left therapy with this feeling of hope. Tomorrow was visitor day and I was hoping Aubrey would come. I had so many things I wanted to apologize for, so many explanations I owed her, and yet I couldn't help but to hope she would just come and hold my hand and tell me it would be okay.
I called up Pop and we talked for a bit.
"How are things at home Pop?"
"Things are moving along. Dad and Aubrey are cleaning out your old place today. You two are coming home for a while." he answered.
"I know. Dad told me. Is Aubrey coming tomorrow?" I asked.
"I wouldn't bank on it Champ. She's really hurting Becs. What you did, it killed her too. Not to mention Chloe. She is just gripping on to her sanity with her fingertips right now. She's always crying, and she blames herself for this you know. As if anyone could have stopped you once you started something, no matter how destructive it may have been. But Dad and I will come if she decides not to baby, someone will be there for you." he scolded and comforted all at once. That was Pop for you.
"Thanks Pop. I love you." I tried to mask the tears.
"I love you too baby girl. Don't cry. Aubrey loves you Beca. She just needs time to come to terms with everything too. Please don't cry. I wanna think of you smiling baby."
"I'll try Pop, I just miss her. So much." I sniffed
"She misses you too. I'll tell them you called. Stay smiling beautiful. Don't let grey skies keep your sunshine down."
I wandered from the phone room over to the cafeteria. I got in line, and grabbed what little interested me from the buffet style supper. I sat by myself, as I tended to do, and picked at my chicken and potatoes. When I was done, I went to my room and slept straight through til morning.
Breakfast came and went quietly. Then I had my morning therapy session and finally visitors were coming. I grabbed my jacket and a cigarette and went to wait for Dad and Pop. I sat on a bench facing the little pond someone had built smoking my smoke and waiting. After about five minutes a familiar voice cut through my silence.
"I missed you Beca. Jesus Christ, I missed you so much." I turned, and she was there.
"Aubrey." I croaked. Tears were already pouring down my cheeks.
"I love you. I'm sorry baby. I pushed you to this. I never wanted this for you. Never." she apologized, kissing my fingers as she sat beside me and locked them with hers.
"I love you too. Can we try one more time love?" I asked her. She rested her head on my shoulder.
"Of course baby." she whispered.
