Christmas comes but once a year

The last notes of the carol sounded in the body of the church before silence settled again and the reverend stepped up to the altar. With a few more words on the importance of peace on Christmas and another blessing, he sent the congregation forth.

As the lights were turned on again, everyone started packing up and Wanda who'd been sitting next to Lucy stretched her arms and legs.

"That was a good idea," Steve remarked satisfied.

"Lucy has them from time to time," Peter grinned.

Lucy only rolled her eyes. "More often than you."

"Hey, didn't you hear? Peace on Christmas!" May interrupted the bickering and Pepper nodded in support and ushered the entire family out.

Lucy didn't go to church regularly but Christmas had always been a staple, especially when she was alone in school during that time of year after her grandmother had gotten sick. Most at the tower weren't hard to convince and Lucy's persistence paid off so that everyone, even May who was visiting over the holidays, joined in.

The air was freezing when they stepped out of St. James's onto Madison Avenue and Nat out an arm around Lucy's shoulder as they walked back towards the tower. She couldn't remember ever having a better Advent time than this year. Right after her birthday, they'd put up a huge Christmas tree on the common floor and everyone was allowed to help decorate it. Not everyone, Lucy corrected herself, Pepper had put a stop to Clint and Tony's initiative to put little self-exploding sparklers on due to fire hazards. Lucy thought it was a great idea but Pepper was definitely the authority in the tower. At least they were allowed some unconventional decorations. Sam had lifted Lucy high up to put some little arrows and feathers to even the highest branches and right underneath the star sat a bauble with the Avengers' A on it. Every other floor also had their own smaller tree and each resident was left to decorate it themselves – within Pepper's fire regulations of course. Nat and Lucy had decided on a black and red theme with some gold in it, but at Clint's urging they'd also put some purple up.

All three kids were excited at their first Christmas at the tower and the service on Christmas Eve had been the perfect way to start into the celebrations. When they got back to the tower, everyone gathered in the living room with large cups of hot chocolate and told their favorite Christmas stories, whether fictional or real. It gotten quite late but the kids went to bed voluntarily before midnight so that they wouldn't be too tired the next morning to open the presents that were already lying underneath the tree.

Lucy fell asleep that night, smiling because she knew that this Christmas would be special and Nat who came in to wish her a good night felt confident that she'd make it better than even Lucy could imagine.

The next morning, Lucy woke without an alarm or Natasha coming in to get her, so she got up, wearing her favorite pajamas and grabbed an envelope. Supposing right, she saw her mentor sitting in the living room with a cup of coffee, also still wearing her sweatpants and night t-shirt, a large shirt that she'd stolen from Clint. Lucy grinned as she walked in and Nat got up to hug her protégé tight.

"Merry Christmas, Lucy," she said as the two detached.

Lucy beamed. "Merry Christmas! I can't believe it's here already."

Nat shook her head. "Me neither. Although we're both up too early. We're not supposed to be downstairs for another forty minutes."

The girl looked at the clock and was surprised that she'd actually woken up before nine in the morning without prompting. It must've been the excitement.

"That's actually quite helpful, I've got something for you to read." She extended her hand with the envelope addressed to her guardian who reciprocated the smile.

"That fits well, because I've also got something." Nat handed Lucy a similar envelope and both sat down on the sofa, opened and read them.

Lucy's eyes flew over the pages and she felt tears forming in her eyes as she took in the words Natasha had written.

Dear Птичка,

There are so many things I want to tell you and I doubt I can do all of them justice in just this one letter but I'll try.

It has been six months since you came to us and these six months have been the best of my life. I don't know how things came together the way they did but I'm grateful either way.

I've told you before, I never expected to become anything close to a mother ever in my life. It used to be solely missions and the team I found within Shield and after the Avengers formed and we became our little family, I thought this would surely be as far as life would take me. I could not have been more wrong.

Ever since you were a little girl I was amazed at your intelligence, courage and curiosity. Even back then I had high hopes for you but I never imagined that I would ever be able to help you fulfil your potential. You are an exceptional young woman and there is so much of your grandmother in you. Every day I see a part of her in what you say, what you do or even in the way you brush your hair out of your face.

I never told you this before and I'm not sure if you know this, but I came to Shield just before your grandmother retired. The last mission she authorized as director sent Clint to Budapest to eliminate an assassin that was determined to be a threat to Shield - you know where I'm going with this. Clint made a different call and brought me in instead but Peggy still had to sign off on his report. I asked myself for quite some time why she decided to do it and why she'd sent Clint in the first place. He'd always had a tendency to go about things his own way, especially when he thought a life is worth saving. When I finally went to her about it, she just smiled. She didn't want Clint to eliminate me, she knew he wouldn't do it, but she wanted me to be a part of Shield. Peggy believed in me, she gave me a second chance and even after she retired, she kept supporting me. Entrusting you in Coulson, Clint and my care is probably one of the greatest shows of confidence, especially at an age when you were even more impulsive than now!

But that leads me to believe that Peggy would be happy with our arrangement now. I know you want to make her proud and I promise you that you do so every single day. I never thought I'd be able to repay her for all that she did for me and just like you, I try to live up to her example every day. You finding your way back to us and giving me the chance to continue what we'd started when you were a kid hopefully will also make Peggy proud – of both of us.

I don't know if what I do is right, if I'm actually parenting you well but I can see a huge difference in the girl you were in July compared to the one you are now. You learned to be happy again, you became comfortable with us and you found your place in our family. That's everything I wanted to achieve and the fact that it happened must mean that we were doing something right.

There is also a difference, more specifically an improvement in your conduct and behavior and the choices you make. You are still impulsive and you wouldn't be Lucy if you weren't, but you have much better control over your emotions and actions and I know you will continue to work and learn.

I'm so, so proud of your choices, especially recently. There have been instances where you had to make a hard call but you've made the right one and shown us that we can trust you. You've become mature and responsible and you worked hard for that. I know it's not always easy but you've proven yourself over and over again and you continue to do so every day, sometimes in small ways, sometimes in bigger ones.

Parenting you isn't very hard - it's mostly just walking by your side and now and then giving you a slight push in the right direction. You have a good moral compass and you know what is right and wrong and I continue to be amazed at your maturity. Even when you need that push, you understand quickly and correct your behavior. That's all I wish from you and you follow easily.

I know things are difficult sometimes and, believe me, when I say that punishing you isn't one of the great parts of being a parent. But I think you understand that it's necessary because you are quick to accept the consequences for your actions. I want to know that whatever you do, even when I'm disappointed or angry with you, I always love you and care for you deeply. There's nothing you could do or say that would make me give up on you. No matter your actions, I'll always be there to guide you back to the right path.

I know I can be strict, more so than Tony is with Peter and maybe even more than Steve with Wanda, but I know that you can live up to my expectations. If they weren't as high, I doubt you would feel challenged at all and get bored pretty quickly - and we know where you being bored leads to. I would never ask more of you than you can handle and you have so far always exceeded my expectations, which makes me incredibly proud, as a mentor and as a parent.

You stand up for the people you care about, you are honest and you are incredibly courageous. A lot of this was engrained in you by Peggy and Zora but I've seen a change in you from July so I hope some of it is attributable to my parenting. Whether it's in school, during training, at the tower or on a mission, you live all the values I could ever want you to take on.

Being a parent is a constant struggle between wanting to let you make your own mistakes and learn from them and on the other hand wanting to shield you from as much as possible and keep you out of harm's way by preventing whatever could happen. Finding the right mixture isn't easy and I hope every day that I'm making the right choice. I'm incredibly happy though that you feel comfortable enough to come and talk to me about things that bother you and I hope you'll continue to do so. One of the successes is when I don't have to make the decision but you decide on the right path yourself - even if it means coming to me for guidance.

The best part about being a parent is seeing you happy; in the tower with Peter and Wanda, on stage during a concert, during training when you managed a harder workout than usual or when you finished an experiment with Tony. It's in those moments when your eyes light up and you genuinely smile that I know that you're content and safe and in a good place. I'm glad that these moments happen more and more often now and I'll do everything in my power to increase them. I know life hasn't been easy on you, especially during the past year, and you deserve to have a safe and stable home and I promise that I'll provide it for as long as you need it.

Love, Nat

She took a deep breath as she finished and looked up to Natasha who had the same mist in her eyes. Without exchanging any words, the two fell into each other's arms and just reveled in the comfort. Lucy had never thought any of this was possible and even if she was much more comfortable, there had always been a little doubt in her mind that she wasn't completely settled. That there could be some doubt about her status. Reading Nat's words and recognizing just how important every single one was, filled her with a kind of happiness that she hadn't felt ever before.

###

When Lucy handed her the letter, Nat wasn't surprised that they had both thought of the idea. She opened it eagerly to see what her protégé might have to say and quickly, she felt the uncharacteristic tears again that only Lucy seemed to be able to generate.

Dear Nat,

I was thinking how I wanted to start this letter because there are so many things I need to tell you but I don't want this to become an incoherent ramble.

What's most important is probably that I want you to know that I'm truly happy and I hope you are too. After grandma died, I didn't think I'd ever be completely happy again. Not in the way that people say it when something bad happens but deep down they know they'll be fine. I thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life and in some way, I'd actually made peace with that. I resigned myself to leading RI in the future and just making sure I'd get through school and college somehow unscathed. If Tony managed, then so could I, although I never thought I'd be as much a hero. I wasn't scared but I knew that I was going down a lonely and possibly quite dangerous road.

When Steve turned up that day in Columbia, I couldn't believe it. Even when I got used to the fact that it was real, I thought it was at most going to be a training thing, some lab work and a partnership of convenience, like everything else in my life, because Shield didn't want me unsupervised with a suit in the city. But when I saw you and Clint again and got to know Peter and Wanda, I had a slight hope that it would become more. I suppressed it because whenever I hoped for something, it wouldn't come true. But that summer was the best month since grandma died and when you asked me to move in, I couldn't believe my luck. I still didn't think we would ever become more than a normal mentor relationship, partly because I was afraid that if I let myself get close to someone, it'd hurt when they leave, like grandma.

But you were always there. No matter what happened, whether it was something great, like my first mission, or one of stupid impulsive ideas, like taking a car for a Joyride in Malibu, you were always right there and you helped keep me straight. I couldn't believe you didn't think of getting rid of me, but I came to trust that you really wanted me around. I think part of me didn't like that though, because I've managed alone, with my own rules for so long, so I couldn't understand why I was suddenly so content with someone just imposing them. That's why I moved out, and it was honestly the stupidest decision I'd made that year.

Wanda said when I moved in that being at the tower helped heal the heart because you didn't need to fight on your own anymore. It's true. There are so many people around me that support me and in the few months I've been here, my heart healed more than in all the time before. But when I went back to school, that wound grew again. I missed the tower and especially you. I missed us just watching movies and hanging out and I missed your disapproving looks and no-nonsense talks. I didn't want to admit it but I'd come to rely on you. I didn't want it to be true but it's not a bad thing - you care about me and want me to make the right choices and that's more than anyone ever did for me.

After I came back and you actually took me in again, I could finally accept that there was no way that I could antagonize you so much that you'd give up on me. I know you don't believe it but you're really patient - if I had to parent myself, I'd probably start yelling every other day. You never do that. I'm not even sure if it's a good thing because your disappointed face is much harder to take but I think I'm getting better at avoiding it.

I want to thank you for caring enough to stop my self-destructive tendencies. I know I have them, there's no point denying that, and I really think something bad could've happened had you and everyone else at the tower not stepped in. I might not be a fan of your lessons sometimes but it's undeniable that I'm much better than I used to be a few months back.

You may have some doubts if you can handle me or parent me right, but I don't. I'm happier and more balanced than I've been in years and it's your accomplishment. You might not have much training (though I think dealing with Clint for so long was probably quite useful in that respect) but you're the best mom I could've ever wished for. My real mother never cared, and neither did my dad, and although I knew I shouldn't care because it wasn't my fault, it was this little black stain in the back of my mind. It's not there anymore. Whenever parents and mothers come up, my mind doesn't go to me crappy biological ones but I automatically think of you. I know you never expected this to happen but I hope you're happy with that idea. It wasn't a conscious decision, but it slowly crept into my mind and I only realized it recently.

I want to make you proud, in every way possible. Whether it's training, Shield, school or my behavior and my morals, I want you to feel happy and proud whenever you look at or think of me. It's hard and I know that I make huge mistakes sometimes but I now know that you care enough to correct me. Even if I might hate it, I'm thankful for everything, knowing you won't give up on me. I can see so much improvement in myself already that I never thought possible.

It's been about six months and, in some ways, it feels so much longer. Sometimes it seems things have never been any different but some days I still pinch myself, wondering if all this is actually real.

I've been going all through my life, hoping that grandma would be proud of the person I'm becoming. I know that she's looking down on us now, smiling and happy for both of us. She'd love your rules and everything you do for me, I know that much. Grandma was always big on responsibility and integrity and she knew that you'd be the best to teach me. That's why she left me in your care so many times when I was young and I know she's looking down on us, ecstatic at the way we found each other again. It's strange having someone again who actually cares about your actions although sometimes it would be easier not to have to answer to you. You can be strict, sometimes even more so than Steve, and you have high expectations for me, but I would never seriously complain about it. With your help and motivation, I've already exceeded any hopes I had for myself and I know that I can go even further. Things might be difficult but there is no way that I would ever want anything different. You understand me in a way no one else seems to and I'm excited for what the future holds for us.

Lots of love, Птичка

When Lucy fell around her neck, Natasha tightly held onto her, as if to prove that her words were definitely true. Her protégé's letter soothed something inside of her that she'd been trying to suppress. The anxiety and even panic that while Lucy seemed okay, she might be doing something completely wrong. After all, she had no reference point whatsoever as to what a good parent might be.

Lucy sniffled a little as she pulled away and looked directly into Nat's eyes.

"I know this sounds cliché but this is the best Christmas present I could've gotten." The girl smiled. "A family."

Nat took her by the shoulder and gave her a serious look. "And we'll always be here, I promise you that."

A glance to the clock confirmed that the others should be up by now too, so the two got up and made their way down to the common floor where everyone was gathering as they walked in, Clint looking incredibly disheveled but also excited like a puppy while Rhodey looked as put together as always – Lucy didn't know how he managed.

Everyone sat around the Christmas tree and they handed out the presents. Lucy grabbed Nat's and pressed it into her hands, throwing a glance to Wanda who was as excited as herself.

Nat carefully unwrapped the box and first took out the water bottle, then the T-Shirt and finally the hoodie. Her eyes grew and she slid off the sofa to give Lucy a hug, whispering in her ear that she loved it. Lucy in turn was very satisfied in her ability to shop for presents and also threw Wanda a thankful glance since the other girl had majorly backed her in her decision.

All the adults were very happy with the gifts the kids had chosen and Tony wanted to immediately inflate the chair shaped as an Iron Man helmet that Peter had gotten him but May and Pepper were the voices of reason once again. The entire tower was thankful Pepper had support during this time because any holiday made the Avengers into little children again. Not that Lucy was complaining – this was her family and it wouldn't be the same, had they a completely normal Christmas.

After everyone had unwrapped and appreciated their presents, they sat down for a huge breakfast, with waffles, pancakes, eggs and everything anyone could possibly wish for. Peter alone probably ate about six full plates and so did Bruce and Steve – their metabolisms were unmatched.

Pepper and May suggested an after-brunch walk through central park and everyone joined in. It wasn't hard to convince anyone because the snow gave New York the appearance of a fairytale, especially on Christmas Day. Lucy put on her new necklace she'd gotten from Natasha that was in the same style as the bracelet she received for her birthday and also pulled a Shield hoodie, a present from Coulson, over her dress, because while winter was beautiful, it was also freezing.

Lucy was quite introspective as they walked through the soft snow. Peter was walking ahead with May, telling her about all the exciting things that had happened during Christmas and Steve kicked back a little, reminiscing with Bruce about Christmases past. The year almost came to a close, it was only a week until New Year's and this year had been one big rollercoaster for her. In the beginning, when her grandmother passed and she heard about the splitting of the Avengers, Lucy didn't think she'd ever be happy again. She made peace with the idea that she would live her life in a state of at most dubious contention with what she had, but always feeling this little stitch in her heart. It didn't get better in the months after and she resigned herself to that state. Steve entering her life and bringing her back to the tower was a high, she'd never thought possible and it just kept growing and growing. In some ways, Lucy was afraid, since the higher she'd get, the further she could fall, but the past few months had proven to her time and time again that there was a safety net. She wouldn't crash and burn, she had so many people around her that did everything in their power to prevent it from happening. It felt good, safe and comfortable. Lucy ended this year on a positive note, more so than many years before and it was all due to her newfound family. She grinned and took a few large strides to catch up with Wanda who was walking up next to Nat and Sam. The girls linked arms and smiled at each other. If the next year started like this one ended, things would be good.