Written by McIzzieFan and Adia Rose.
Ronnie straightened out her clothes and smoothed down sweat slicked hair from her face as she walked out of the club office. It was the fifth time in as many days that she and Jack and ended up having their impromptu moments of passion on top of the paperwork on either desk, usually whichever was the most empty. The office was beginning to hold the constant lingering scent of sex and Ronnie had even taken to keeping a box of 'fixed' condoms inside her desk drawer for these increasingly frequent rendezvous. Jack had hurried off to a meeting across the other side of London, complaining about not having time for a shower. It was strange, he had become increasingly passionate and almost insatiable over the past few days, it was becoming slightly uncomfortable, not that Ronnie could complain, it was what she wanted, every time they were intimate was a step closer to her future, to her baby.
She stepped over to the bar glancing at her watch. It was barely midday. All she wanted to do now was slump bonelessly over the bar and sleep. Sex in the office was all well and good but it made basking in the afterglow a near impossibility and her thigh muscles weren't holding up well. Pouring herself a large vodka she made her way to collapse onto one of the more comfortable seats in the club. She crossed her legs, wincing slightly and couldn't stop her mind from wondering exactly why Jack was suddenly so amourous. And it was more than that. Ronnie frowned as she tried to put her finger on the differences that she had noticed in him over the previous days.
It wasn't that Jack had been distant exactly, far from it, Ronnie swirled the vodka around the glass, staring off with a glare into the depths of the club. She realised that it wasn't his emotional distance, but actually his physical absence that was troubling her. Today it was the meeting, the meeting that she could have sworn he had already been to the week before. Then there were the times she had woken to an empty bed, no note, just excuses of meeting suppliers or going sort paperwork when she bothered to ask him what had taken him from her so early. None of it had quite rung true. Of course it hadn't been much of a concern, Jack's location and indeed fidelity wasn't anywhere near as important to her as it once had been but now it was beginning to dig at her. The little doubts in the security of her situation. So many declarations had passed from his lips and although both knew that Jack was simply saying what he wanted and not necessarily what he felt, Ronnie had believed them. She wanted to believe that with Jack she had found the safety of another being, the warmth of their arms if not their heart. She didn't want to be alone. He was more that just a means to an end, not much more, but he was.
Ronnie scrutinised the table and the carpet of the club as she knocked back the rest of the vodka. She didn't want to admit it but she was already missing the feeling of his arms around her. It was nice to feel protected and be able to touch somebody and be touched, even if she couldn't trust any of it. Still, none of it mattered if she could have her baby. Nothing would matter if she had that. Ronnie leant back against the softness of the chair and ran her hand over her taut stomach. She longed for it to be different, to feel the swell of a child growing inside her. The closeness that can only come from carrying that baby for nine months. She'd felt that bond before and oh so quickly it had been torn to sheds. Rubbing her abdomen where she knew there were still faint marks of her previous pregnancy she tried to remember what it felt like when she had felt her baby, her Amy, her Danielle move and kick inside her. The memory became fainter every day, the sensation becoming lost to time and age.
Glancing at her watch Ronnie panicked when she saw the time, she'd been so determined to sleep with Jack today that she hadn't found the time to carry out her little Danielle rituals, she couldn't even leave it one day without them because then she would feel like whatever memory she had would be completely lost. It was the closest thing she had to her, it was Ronnie's own way of having her Danielle in her life every day. For that time looking at the picture she could pretend that she was looking into her daughter's eyes, that she was still there. It terrified Ronnie that she might one day forget what Danielle looked like, that her face would slip away from her memory just as her life had from that empty shell of a body Ronnie had tried so hard to hang onto the night of the accident.
It shouldn't need to take long but Ronnie always wanted to linger in the moment, in the lies, in the fantasy for as long as she could. Each time she had to put the picture away was parting with Danielle all over again. Ronnie was so well practiced now that she moved through each stage with a natural grace, each stage of her rituals flowing into the next. Each move was instinct by now. It was strange then that she forgot to replace the box in the drawer where she kept it hidden, rush and panic that Jack would be home soon, left the small box instead sitting on the coffee table in the living room. Ronnie didn't notice her mistake, instead she glanced in the kitchen cupboards hoping to find something even mildly appetising to ease the discomfort of hunger that rumbled in her stomach. She hadn't shopped in ages and that was obvious, and Jack was only capable it seemed of keeping up with the basics, so instead Ronnie decided to make her way to the Minute Mart.
Rushing along, desperate to simply grab whatever looked good so that she could get back to the flat as soon as possible Ronnie almost missed the commotion that was happening opposite the Minute Mart. "I'm fine!" came the angry shout from the ground as a group of parted to reveal an aggressive looking Stacey on the ground, gashes on her knees dripping with blood as the other market traders discussed calling an ambulance or running across the road to get Dr. Jenkins to take a look. Bitterly pushing anyone away that even attempted to help her Stacey looked so lost, like a little girl that needed someone to look after her. The look was too familiar and like a dagger into Ronnie's heart. She found her feet moving steadily of their own volition. Crossing the street Ronnie was as surprised as everyone else when Stacey let Ronnie take her hand and pull her up. With Stacey leaning awkwardly into her, Ronnie led her away from the crowd of people, obviously wanting little more than gossip or a chance to feel superior. A fierce need to protect Stacey was burning through Ronnie and it washed over her like a tidal wave, completely unexpected. She led Stacey across the Square, deciding to take her back to the flat to sort her out and clean up her knees.
"This doesn't mean I like you" Stacey muttered pulling herself in even closer to Ronnie as if seeking warmth or comfort, it was more than just stability but neither mentioned it. Ronnie didn't reply, simply nodded as she carried on walking with everyone else stood looking on, whispering and gossiping at the strange sight before them.
Sitting Stacey down as they entered the flat, Ronnie went to hunt down antiseptic wipes and some dressings from the bathroom leaving Stacey on her own in the living room. Stacey was inevitably drawn to the mysterious box on the coffee table, resting her hand on the lid she was about to lift it when she heard Ronnie making her way back in. Stacey pulled back like she'd got an electric shock she noticed how Ronnie was staring directly at it. Ronnie didn't say anything, simply moved it to the side as she sat down on the coffee table and started to clean up Stacey's knees.
"What have you been doing to get these then?" Ronnie asked, trying to keep her voice steady. Stacey immediately guessed that whatever was in that box was connected to Danielle. "Just tripped" Stacey muttered, cringing as Ronnie began using the antiseptic wipes which stung making Stacey wanting to rip herself away. But she couldn't, there was something oddly calming about Ronnie's touch, it was almost maternal and it shocked Stacey because it was something she didn't believe Ronnie possessed.
"Trip? Have you been drinking?" Ronnie quizzed hooking a finger under Stacey's chin so that she could look into Stacey's eyes to try and find some kind of clue and almost hoping to see the bloodshot evidence of alcohol, that would mean things were easy, a simple problem, Ronnie had a feeling it was so much more.
"No!" Stacey snapped yanking her head away "I'm fine, I'm completely normal" she insisted angrily. It was such an odd choice of words Ronnie thought, as if someone had been telling Stacey something different... Sticking down the dressings on Stacey's knees Ronnie offered a supportive smile, part of her wanted Stacey to open up to her, as if helping Stacey was some way of repenting for letting Danielle down. She had turned Danielle away at every turn, no matter how much Danielle had needed her. She knew that Danielle would want her to take care of Stacey and part of her desperately wanted to as well, to make amends, to prove that she had a heart, even if it was broken. Then there was the other part of her that didn't want to even be near Stacey, how could she cope with someone else's grief when she could barely handle her own? Stacey was a painful reminder of who Danielle had been, of the girl she had shattered. All of the times she had seen Danielle came flooding back whenever she looked into Stacey's face and with those memories came the guilt of how she had hurt her, each and every time.
"I should get back to the stall" Stacey insisted, trying to stand up. Her body felt like stone, dragging her down.
"Just sit down a minute alright? I'll get you a glass of water." Ronnie instructed, a supportive hand guided Stacey back down to the comfort of the sofa. She remembered doing this for Danielle. Holding her when the vulnerable girl was on her sofa, tired, confused and upset. She remembered getting her water and watching on pained as Danielle's shaking hands had barely been able to hold the glass steady. A shared pain over a pregnancy that came all too soon, a shared pain over a girl lost before her time. History had a strange way of repeating itself and yet this time, it would never even compare because Ronnie's chance had been lost. She could help Stacey, she would help Stacey, she would do everything she could to be there for her in the way that she should have been for Danielle and yet it wouldn't bring her back. She leant on her hands leaning herself heavily over the sink trying to calm her breaths.
With Ronnie out of the room once again Stacey finally had the opportunity to get her hands on the jewellery box, running greedy hands over everything it contained. She scanned the carefully folded newspaper cutting, her skin growing cold as she came eye to eye with Danielle, she didn't know what she had expected to see, but Danielle's face staring back at her, although not surprising was something she hadn't prepared herself for. She put the paper to one side before lifting up the lockets, leaving them dangling in front of her. They almost had a hypnotic quality. Ronnie stopped suddenly the minute she made her way back to the room, her eyes too watched the slight swaying motion. Bringing the lockets down, Stacey reached to open one of them up.
"Don't" Ronnie suddenly uttered, making a sudden dart to snatch them back from Stacey but Stacey stubbornly refused to hand them over. The room was filled with a deathly silence as Stacey looked at the picture of the tiny baby, running her finger open the child's face the same way Ronnie had a hundred times before. "Danielle" Stacey stated with a weak smile, Ronnie simply nodded before retrieving the locket back from Stacey, clasping it tightly for just a second too long, her eyes closing heavily, before replacing it back in the box alongside the newspaper cutting. Opening the second locket Stacey looked down for a second, astonished by just how young Ronnie was in this picture, just how scared she must have been... Trying to shake off the desire to burst into tears at the sheer tragedy of it all Stacey, instead pulled herself together, muttering "nice haircut," before handing the locket back to Ronnie. She placed it next to the first, before closing the box, walking away to put it back where it belonged but also to hide the fact that tears were running down her cheeks.
Finally composing herself with the same waning strength she was drawing on every day, Ronnie made her way back into the room, Stacey was timidly sipping at the water but she looked as if she was completely lost, staring into space her face was completely blank. This wasn't right, it wasn't Stacey, there was something truely wrong here. Sitting back on the coffee table Ronnie looked at Stacey intently, trying desperately to figure exactly what was wrong, analysing every inch of her face for a clue.
"Hey Stace, why don't I take you to the doctors? Get him to have a look at those knees?" Ronnie smiled gently trying to coax Stacey up, Ronnie was pretty sure a doctor needed to look at more than just Stacey's knees but she needed to approach it gently.
Stacey looked at Ronnie strangely, her eyes wandering to her knees as if she'd only just remembered that she'd hurt herself. "I'm fine, I'm normal. Everything's better now Ronnie, everything's ok." Stacey rushed, shaking as she tried to give the most reassuring smile she could manage only succeeding in looking slightly manic, Ronnie's heart lurched as she recognised that smile. It was so similar to Jean sometimes... Surely Stacey couldn't be... No, she couldn't... Could she? Reaching out Ronnie gently stroked Stacey's hair, smoothing down a wayward piece that stuck out awkwardly. "Come on Stace, make sure you're ok?" Ronnie smiled, finally Stacey responded with a small nod. Relieved Ronnie helped Stacey up.
Just at that minute Jack arrived home, walking into the living room he was surprised to see Stacey standing there. Automatically assuming she must be trouble-making Jack immediately launched into an angry rant. "Stacey! What the hell are you doing here? Come on we've told you before we won't give you a job at the club, think we're just going to stand back whilst you hand out free drinks to all your mates?! Go on, get out of here. Ronnie doesn't need you hanging around." Jack snapped. Stacey responded by ripping herself from Ronnie's grip, fleeing from the flat as Ronnie sighed deeply before turning back to Jack, realising she'd lost her opportunity to help Stacey. "You idiot!" Ronnie raged before turning and making her way out of the flat, slamming the door behind her. So many times that she could have, should have gone after Danielle, cared enough to chase her. Stacey wasn't Danielle, but it was the closest thing Ronnie had to ever being able to make things right.
