Chapter Eight: 1913: The Diary of a Lady
NOTE: This chapter is mostly in first person due to the diary-esc of it.
Day fifty-seven:
I woke up again, dreaming of the days before. In eight weeks, I will turn twenty-two. I still don't know what happened to me, all those years ago or what had happened before, but I remember the dark fog, waiting to be lifted every moment since I woke up. I remember less than two months ago, the day after I had a panic attack over color, the day the Doctor became human, the week later when I came to the school and helped the matron.
I could see Martha, watching the Doctor with eyes bleached with…love? I do not know, I would not know, I am not her, and I would never understand it.
Today I helped the Matron stitch up the Doctor, or John Smith as he is called now days. Martha used to take me to the TARDIS out in the woods, she told me the Doctor left me a message and that she didn't watch it, but I'm not sure if I want to. I've only known the Doctor for maybe a total of three months, majority of said time spent watching John Smith. I don't know how I feel about seeing John Smith, he's not an alien, not an idiotic genius, not a man who can travel through time and space.
He isn't the man who brought me home.
Day fifty-eight:
Martha literally dragged me out to the cabin, the Matron glaring at her as I frowned in confusion. "I just can't handle it anymore! I want to know what's on your note and I want to talk to you because you seem really nice and I aint have anybody to really talk to about all of this so let's get to the TARDIS and then watch the Doctor and then got to our rooms because I am just dying to be in me bed again."
"Okay."
"You know, you never did tell me why you passed out on the floor that day," Martha inquired, opening up the doors of the blue box.
"The machine itself reminded me of the one I built."
"The machine that damaged the nerves in your brain and got your tumor out?"
"Yeah, that one, well it was just…seeing that again and then having to see something that reminded me of it making another person go through that-it just made me realize how cruel and inhumane it was and-"
"Hey," Martha interrupted, seeing the tears in my eyes, "You did what you had to do, if you didn't, I would have never met you."
"Yes well, the only reason you ever heard of me was because your teacher found my experimentation ingenious, bizarre, and original. Some of the people I met later on, news reporters, they thought it was all a publicity stunt, like my kidnapping and the amnesia."
"That's just-that's just awful Jo."
"Yeah well, I hope to never cross paths with the press again—until my death."
"Why would you say that?" Martha exclaimed as turned on the screens and computers.
"It's a terrible goal but anything important I do now will either be blown out of proportions or will be demolished into smithereens. My death couldn't be made into anything but cold hard facts, unless its suicide."
"Cold hard facts?"
"I'm supposed to be an emotionless genius who doesn't understand the concepts of anything besides logic."
"Supposed?" she asked, turning to face me.
"Let's talk about it later," I replied, turning to the screens. "Let us see the video." Soon the Doctor's face came on the screen.
"Right so, if you are watching this Josephine Erica Lewis, that means I used the arc. I only do this whenever I have a feeling someone's going to become my new companion. Well, if you wanted to, you can, but umm…so I just figured since you've been on more trips than Martha before she became my companion, I figured I should make you one and I wouldn't have a problem with you because you're…you know, Josephine Erica Lewis-still haven't looked you up yet…not really.
"Anyway, so I'm just going to tell you the basics because Martha's going to be watching over me more carefully. So first, I need you to stay low, don't do anything too smart because we all know you're a genius but please don't act like one while we're in a time period where women aren't seen as intelligent. Second, try to blend in with whoever you end up working with, I need you to be knowledgeable of those around you. Thirdly, make sure Martha and I don't get into too much trouble. And finally, whatever you do, don't let me push you away. Make sure you and Martha are always near to me. And thank you Josephine. Although time can be rewritten, there are some things in your life that I know you have to fulfill. From what I've heard, you still need to build something amazing-you'll see. Oh! And no brooding! Don't deny it Josephine, it was essentially noticed when I met-met you I guess, when did we really meet? Hmm…was it…-no, anyway, good luck, thanks, bye!"
I turned to Martha, trying to understand his words. "Can we go back? I need to talk to him."
"What? He won't understand what you're talking about!"
"It…doesn't matter, I just need to…see him? That sounds weird, I don't mean it like that-I know that you and-"
"Oh my god, am I that obvious?" she exclaimed in worry, dragging her hands down her face in mock agony.
"No! No, don't take it like that. I'm really good at seeing things I think, it's hard to say because I've only ever been able to draw conclusions on how people feel with others based on my interactions with Jack and Will and Yolanda and…and, well, you."
"Jack? Do you have someone you aren't telling us about?" I stared at Martha like she was insane.
"Jack and I? Do you mean how I think you mean? Because that's just…no."
"Eww! Is he your brother?"
"No! God no, he's just…Jack. He helped me get back on my feet, we're just friends, he even likes someone else-another man too!"
"Okay! Good to know." Martha replied nodding before realizing something, "He could be bi-"
"He's not! I mean he is but he doesn't like me that way and I'm probably the most asexual person in the universe-why am I even talking to you about this?"
"You're right, let's go back."
"Yeah."
-/JEL/-
Martha was next to me as I opened the door, catching the Doctor-no, John Smith and Matron kissing. For some reason, probably from the shock and surprise, my heart stopped at the sight. At the strange and odd and-and…and just incorrect sight! That shouldn't have happened.
"Martha what have I told you about entering unannounced?!" John shouted, stopping short when he saw it was me, "Oh, Nurse Lewis so sorry-I didn't...I mean." Martha, who was behind me, pivoted and left in a hurry. I stopped dead in my tracks, staring at John and Matron like a gaping fish.
"Josephine, that was highly rude and what are you doing here?" Matron asked, sternly and almost harshly.
"I-Never mind Matron, I'll find the bandages myself," I recovered quickly before briskly turning around and running out of the door. Martha was already gone, no doubt already heading back to the TARDIS.
Her heart was probably breaking.
-/JEL/-
When I found Martha she was still sad but also a bit panicked. "What's wrong Martha?"
"I'm worried about the Doctor, so I had this idea yeah? And I was wondering if you wouldn't mind so terribly going to the dance and watching over them?" her voice was very pleading, her brown eyes round and big, and her hands held together like a prayer. I'd never been pleaded like this before except for by Yolanda and Will and Jack and Ianto and practically everyone in Torchwood, never been pleaded to by an outsider of my 'family'.
But she's a friend and friends help each other and are kind and do favors.
"Okay, just, um, we need to find me a dress back at the TARDIS. I hear there's a whole closet?"
-/JEL/-
I was wearing a dress. I haven't worn a dress in years-well I wore one to the Lazarus thing but I haven't worn one so…so provocative! Or beautiful or just plain elegant. It was long and slim and white with lace everywhere and lace for sleeves. Somehow it was the only dress I could find-but its back was cut out! I wore shorts underneath, in case of an emergency and attached a knife to my thigh because I took off the device on my hand, like I was forced to for the last two months.
But a dress! A very, very provocative dress! I think-I think the TARDIS is messing with me!
-/JEL/-
"Please take your partners for a waltz!" The announcer spoke before the music began. People were still giving me looks.
Must be the cutout of my back.
But I didn't comment or return any glare, I just stood there, watching John Smith and Matron dance together, sipping my drink slowly and looking 'pretty' with my hair all done up and light make-up and some jewelry. And Einstein, I felt like the most god damn beautiful thing here-which was of course stupid since there's no way I was and I didn't even like being considered beautiful because I don't like the idea and the lies behind it. But I guess I felt that way since all of the men were giving me looks from time to time. If Jack taught me correctly than their eyes were filled with lust.
When the Doctor made a trip to get some drinks, I made my move to go and attempt talking with him. Looking around, I spotted Martha heading for Matron. "So," I started, sliding up to him, "You and Matron?"
"Yes well, Joan has been very kind and is a lovely women, now if you'll excuse me-"
"Wait!" I said, grabbing his arm to stop him.
"Yes?" he asked, getting a bit annoyed. Think, think, think, what to say, what to say, think, think, thi-
"I heard you have a magnificent fob watch," I started, images of him changing flashing through my mind, "I was wondering if I could take a look at it? I've always had a fascination for them and I was going to ask earlier but you were rather occupied and I didn't want to interrupt."
"Weren't you there for bandages? And, um, come by tomorrow," he moved to leave, but I pulled him back again.
"It's just, um, I'm leaving tomorrow and I don't know if I'll be able to see you so I was wondering if after the party, I could take a look?" John Smith got really uncomfortable at the proposition and pink filled his cheeks. It took me a moment to realize what it sounded like, hearing Jack's voice filter in my mind, "Oh! No! I didn't mean it like that! I just really like watches-and I should be going, um, look! My friend!" I excused quickly before practically running to Martha.
"Oh, now, really, Martha. This is getting out of hand. I must insist that you leave," John Smith told her. I reached the table, Matron giving me both a disapproving look at my appearance with Martha and a stunned stare at my attire.
"Do you know what this is?" Martha asked, holding up the Sonic Screwdriver I came to admire over time. "Name it. Go on, name it."
"John, what is that silly thing? John?" Matron asked. Both Martha and I nodded towards it as he picked it up slowly.
"You're not John Smith," Martha started.
"You're called the Doctor," I added. He looked startled at my input and appearance, pink dusting his cheeks again.
"The man in your journal, he's real. He's you," Martha continued. Just then a coat rack was dropped, a noise becoming a disturbance.
"THERE…WILL…BE…SILENCE!" a plump man in a brown suit and mustache shouted out as Baines and Jenny followed behind, guns in their hands. "ALL OF YOU! I SAID SILENCE!"
"Mr. Clark! What's going on!?" the announcer asked. Wordlessly, Mr. Clark turned around and shot the man with the gun, vaporizing him to dust. Jo's heartbeat sped up for two unfortunate reasons, one was the sense of danger coming, the other for the excitement of a new piece of alien technology that she's witnessed. People began screaming.
"Mr. Smith, everything I told you, just forget it," Martha urged.
"Don't say anything," I hissed as the other man shouted again,
"We asked for silence! Now then," his voice getting softer, "We have a few questions for Mr. Smith."
"No," a little girl with a red balloon interjected, "better than that. The teacher-he's the Doctor. I heard them talking."
"You took human form," Baines mocked John Smith, realization dawning him.
"Of course I'm human. I was a born human, as were you, Baines. And Jenny, and you, Mr. Clark! What is going on? This is madness!" John shouted.
"Ooh, and a human brain, too-simple, thick, and dull," he continued.
"But he's no good like this," Jenny commented, her voice darker than usual.
"We need a Time Lord," Mr. Clark added. Baines hummed in agreement.
"Easily done," Baines stepped forward, pointing his gun at them, the crowd gasping at the sight. "Change back."
"I don't know what you're talking about," he whispered quickly.
"Change BACK!" his face contorting in anger.
"I-I literally do not know!"
"Aah! Get off me!" Martha shouted as Jenny grabbed her and pointed the gun at her head.
"She's your friend, isn't she?" Jenny goaded. My heart was speeding up, they had Martha, they had Martha, they had my friend, and they had someone I cared for! I was itching to pull out my knife. To just…STRANGLE AND CUT AND-what? Panic and adrenaline coursed through my veins. Oh god, oh god, oh god, I've never had the need to do that. I made a move to go, but John just grabbed my arm; I looked back at him.
"She's your friend, isn't she? Doesn't this scare you enough to change back?" Jenny shouted.
"I don't know what you mean!"
"Wait a minute, the maid told me about Smith and the Matron, that women there!"
"Then let's have you!" Mr. Clark replied, grabbing the Matron.
"Have you enjoyed it, Doctor, being human?" Baines questioned, "Has it taught you wonderful things? Are you better, richer, wiser, hmm? Then let's see you answer this-which one of them do you want us to kill? Maid or Matron? Your friend or your lover?" John looked at Joan, Martha, and back to me.
"Your choice." I looked back at the Doctor, heart beating frantically. I searched his eyes.
