A.N. I am so grateful to everyone who's been reading this. You've no idea how much you've encouraged me.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter
Chapter 9
Comprehension of how important Hermione had become to him hit Severus hard, and he was struggling to make sense of it. Left to his own devices in her sitting room, he measured the room in restless paces from the door to the window and back. Hermione's distress this morning brought his protective instincts racing to the surface. Suddenly, he was back twenty years ago and facing the suffering of another brilliant young witch – one who had wanted to be his friend. He had pushed her away until it was too late; until she was out of reach of both his love and his help when it mattered most.
Minerva was in her study waiting for the Potters and the Weasleys to arrive and Filius was making alternative arrangements for the classes that were affected by the disruption to their teachers' routine. Poppy had already returned to the infirmary to tend to another patient, leaving Severus to watch over the distraught young witch on his own. She had thanked him for staying, not realising that he had no desire to leave. Not that there was any interaction – Poppy's potion meant that for the time being Hermione was sleeping soundly, oblivious to his presence. He stopped walking up and down and settled himself in her armchair, vainly attempting to distract himself with a book. Truth be told, he was glad of his solitary vigil and the chance to examine his feelings in relative peace and privacy.
Lily Evans had been the bright spot in a childhood otherwise devoid of affection. She had taught him what love was and he had learned well, with all the intensity and pain that it could bring. He had just been a boy though, and foolish, and the choices he made had robbed his experience of any joy. When the consequences of his decisions had unfolded, with all the fear and horror that came with them, he had also learned the lessons of guilt and remorse. He would have sacrificed everything to take one ounce of pain from her – and in the end, that was just what he had done, but it couldn't bring her back. He had been too late to save her, but perhaps doing what he had to save her son would count for something. He had never imagined feeling that need to love and protect for anyone again - until now.
They weren't being hunted down by dark wizards any more. No-one was trying to kill Hermione, but the impact of the war still sent shockwaves through all their lives. Hermione had obliviated her parents to save them, and her father had died not even knowing she existed. Now it would seem that once again a Muggle-born, Gryffindor witch had taken root in his soul, and once again he would do anything he could to spare her any further suffering. The difference was that this time he wasn't a boy, he was a man and hoped he had grown in wisdom in the intervening years, and this time his feelings were unalloyed by guilt.
When Filius came to relieve him, he had assumed that Severus would be grateful to get away, and he quickly briefed him on the rearranged schedule. The Charms professor had been able to cover Hermione's first year classes himself and Severus's OWLS lesson had been swapped for Sybill's afternoon Divination class. It meant that after lunch Severus would have a jam-packed timetable, with no opportunity to check on Hermione. While he was appreciative that Filius had handled things with minimum disruption to the students, he was irritated that the little man's interference had essentially banished him from Hermione's quarters. He tried to rationalise that she was well looked after, but he was reluctant to surrender her care to another. He supressed his annoyance and thanked his colleague for dealing wth what should really have been Severus's job as deputy Headmaster. He understood too, that Filius would be deeply concerned himself, as Hermione had been one of his favourite students. The irony was not lost on him that the teacher that had held her in affection was able to put his duties first, while he who had despised her through her student years was barely functional at the thought of being removed from her side.
Minerva returned after about an hour with Molly, Ginny and, surprisingly, George Weasley; Harry and Arthur were on their way from the Ministry. Molly, predictably, broadcasting her concern to everyone, despite several attempts to quiet her. Honestly, he thought, the woman had never had a thought or a feeling in her life that she didn't immediately externalise! Predictably, the commotion woke the object of their concern and a bleary-eyed Hermione came out of her bedroom. She gave a little cry when she saw Molly and ran straight into her arms.
'Oh Molly, I never got him back,' she sobbed. 'I never managed to fix his memory, and now he's gone and it's too late. It's too late.' Molly just held her tight, and Severus grudgingly admitted that Molly's maternal instinct was exactly what Hermione needed. He was clearly surplus to requirements now, and the room was becoming crowded, so he quietly excused himself after exchanging a few words with George and Ginny. They confirmed that the intention was for Hermione to stay with Molly and Arthur for a few days. He acknowledged the sense in it but couldn't ignore the surge of jealousy he felt. She had once offered herself completely to him, and he'd refused her. He'd been a fool – again - and he could only pray that he hadn't left it too late to make things right. If he'd not been so blinded by his own addiction to misery he would be the one who she turned to now. Everyone would understand that it was his place to care for her, to comfort and protect her. But he'd missed that chance, and while it was good that so many others were here for her – that he wasn't her only option for comfort - he desperately wanted to be for her what he had failed to be for Lily.
They might be apart for a while, but it didn't mean he couldn't do anything to care for her, and he utilised the time until his next class making some preparations. His afternoon classes were seemingly interminable, but when was finally free he went directly to her rooms, where he was admitted by Harry. Apart from the addition of the young auror, the scene was much as he'd left it; Hermione sitting on the settee being comforted though by George, now.
'Molly and Ginny are packing some things – Molly's taking Hermione home for a few days,' Harry explained. 'Arthur's just left again but he'll be at home by the time they get there.'
It made sense, and it would do her good, but it irked him that he'd been effectively set aside. Seriously though, what did he expect? No-one knew about their past relationship – they had made a point of keeping it quiet. There had been no observable behaviour between them to indicate that he had any right to be there. He knew, in his fleeting moments of objectivity, that she just needed to get out of the castle – it was her workplace and she needed somewhere that felt like home. He ached to think of her in her flat alone – home was where you had family, and Harry and the Weasley's were her family.
If he was honest, part of him was relieved that the decisions were being made by other people. From experience, he knew how tempting a physical liaison was as a balm for emotional distress, and he was glad that the ministrations of her friends would prevent her from seeking him out in that capacity. He couldn't have turned her away, couldn't have borne the hurt in her eyes, if she had sought comfort in a renewal of intimacy with him. Equally, he knew that to return to their previous co-dependent relationship while she was so vulnerable would destroy any possible future for them. It may have been selfish, but after months of avoiding facing his feelings, the prospect that he'd missed his chance filled him with panic. He wouldn't react on childish emotions this time, though, and allow hurt to dictate his actions. She would be well cared for in days to come – with or without him – and the rest could wait.
Hermione had registered his arrival, and waited for him to finish his conversation with Harry before speaking.
'Thank you for this morning. For staying with me.' She reached out and took hold of his hand.
He took a step nearer to her. 'I just wanted to check on you,' he said quietly, crouching in front of her, and placing his hand lightly over hers. George tactfully moved away, and Severus took his place beside her.
'I just can't stop crying. It doesn't feel real.'
'You've had a shock. I can't imagine how you are feeling, but I wish you didn't have to go through this.'
'Molly and Arthur have asked me to stay with them for a few days,' she said.
'I know,' he replied. 'I think it's a good idea; the castle isn't the right environment for you right now. There's no real privacy or peace.' She nodded mutely in agreement, and they were silent for a few moments.
'Hermione, if there's anything I can do, anything at all, please let me know.' He withdrew his hand and extracted a small bag made of deep blue silk from his pocket. He handed it to her, and she tugged open the cord which fastened it. She drew out a delicately engraved pendant – a silver serpent coiled around a clear, green stone. She twined the chain around her fingers and held it up to the light.
'Severus, it's beautiful, but, well, why are you giving it to me? You don't need to give me a gift.'
'It's not just a trinket,' he explained. 'It's charmed – one half of a matching pair.' He ran one of his fingers under his collar and fished out an identical chain and pendant.
'The peridot stone itself will help protect your mind and spirit. It's good for healing; it won't take away your pain – nor should it. In loss like this, healing is only found when you work through it, not when you deny or avoid it. But it may help give you some of the resilience that you will need for this.'
'Oh, Severus, that's so thoughtful.' Her eyes filled anew with tears. 'This must be very valuable – are you sure you don't mind lending it to me?'
'Any monetary value has nothing to do with why I want you to have it – it's real worth is in allowing people to talk when they're apart. If you hold the stone, like this,' – he demonstrated as he held it between thumb and middle finger of his left hand – 'and simply say my name, you'll be able to talk to me. Any time you need to.'
She looked at him in astonishment, then pulled the silver chain gently through her fingers so that the pendant rested on her palm, where she examined it closely.
'Thank you, really. This means so much. I'll take good care of it, and I'll return it as soon as, well, when I get back to the school, she said. 'I promise I won't make a nuisance of myself - 'll try not to disturb you. Emergency use only,' she assured him.
'It's not for emergencies – it's for when you want a friend, and I'd like to know that you can reach me. And you don't need to return it to me – it's for you. Seriously, if you need anything, someone to talk to, rant at – whatever you need.' He looked into her eyes, willing her to understand how much he cared. 'Call for me when you need me. Only I will be able to hear you, so even if I'm with others, they won't be able to hear you. Don't be concerned about disturbing me; if I am not able to have a conversation at that moment, I will simply tell you and contact you again as soon as I can. Okay?'
'Okay,' she agreed. 'Can you contact me too, or is it only one way?'
'They both work the same way, but this is for you. I will do my best to give you the time you need undisturbed.'
'Thank you, Severus. This means a lot to me.'
Minerva returned, and as if her presence had summoned them, Molly and Ginny emerged from the bedroom with Hermione's bag packed.
'I think we've got all the essentials,' said Ginny, putting her arm around her friend's shoulders. 'Are you ready to go?'
Hermione nodded, and looked to Minerva. 'It'll just be a few days, I'll be back in a day or two.'
'Take all the time you need, my dear,' said the headmistress. Her face was serious but her concern was apparent. Whenever you're ready, you can use the floo in my study. There's no hurry, though.'
'No, I think we'll go.'
'Quite right,' agreed Molly, who was starting to herd her extended family toward the door. 'You look exhausted, dear. Let's get you home and settled in.'
As she passed him, Hermione stopped and reached up to kiss Severus gently on the cheek.
'I'll see you soon,' she said.
Hermione, Minerva and the Weasleys headed to the headmistress's study, after setting the wards on Hermione's rooms, and Severus returned to his own study. He ate alone and tried to apply himself to some work, but without success; his thoughts were with Hermione.
'Severus,' he heard her voice clearly in his mind. 'Are you there?' Slightly alarmed, he groped for his pendant and grasped the clear green stone.
'Hermione, I'm here – are you alright? Do you need something?' he asked. Unexpectedly, he heard her laugh softly, and immediately he could picture her face.
'No, everything's fine – well, you know, not fine but there's no new crisis if that's what you mean.'
'Oh, thank goodness,' he exhaled in relief. 'Did you forget something?'
'Just the one thing – I forgot to check I know how to use the pendant before I left,' she said. 'I thought I'd better make sure – I hope you don't mind.'
'Of course not,' he said softly. 'Actually, I feel better knowing that you've arrived safe and sound.'
'I'm sorry it's so late,' she apologised. 'This is the first chance I've had on my own to speak to you since I got here.'
'Ah, the Weasley clan are a fairly full-on experience, if I remember.'
'But they're lovely,' she was just a little defensive.
'It honestly wasn't a criticism. I'm a little jealous, to be honest, that I was never part of a family like that – my home life was very different. How is it?'
'Fine, fine,' she said. 'The new house doesn't feel like home the way the old Burrow did – it's not as familiar I suppose, but after all this time I think it's safe to say that that the essential Weasleyness has pervaded the place.' He could hear the smile in her voice.
'Hermione, take care of yourself, please, and I was serious; if there's anything you need me to do…' he left the offer hanging.
'Actually,' she said, 'it might seem strange, but could you make sure you keep working on our project.'
'You don't need to think about work just now,' he said.
'Actually, I do,' she replied. 'Or rather I know that I can't focus on it, but I need to know that someone is. I know that what we were doing wasn't directly connected to what I did to my parents, but the whole area of treating mental damage from magic – well, it feels even more important now. It's as if someone has started a timer on my mum now – that suddenly there's a clock and I don't know when it will stop, but I need to try.
'Please don't tell me not to worry. Everyone else will try to take my mind off it. You're the only one who I think will understand. Will you do this for me?'
'Of course I will. I told you, whatever I can do.'
'Thank you.' He heard the relief and weariness in her voice. 'I didn't mean to disturb you, but I'm glad I did. It's been good to talk to you. I better go now – Molly was making hot chocolate and she'll come looking for me in a minute.
'Good night, Severus, and thank you for just being there.'
'Always,' he replied.
