"Give Into Love, Or Live In Fear"

Slowly the rolling thunder of a late summer storm woke me, yet the inviting rain called me to stay in bed. I rolled over and wrapped my arms around Rachel who in response groaned then fell silent again. How many months had she been there by my side every morning now? Six or seven months? That sounded about right…the funny thing about the whole situation was we had yet to sleep together. I'm still dumbfounded that these testosterone infused hormones of mine haven't tried anything. No…I'm not that way, at least not with her in any case. Sure there were nights where we confessed how much we had in common while we chatted, how much we enjoyed each others company, and fell asleep kissing each other. Nevertheless we had never 'done the deed' and we had never said the 'L' word. The only word ever really uttered to me was, "Fluffy".

I knew in my heart I did love her, and in my own way I knew she did too. I understood my reasoning for not opening my mouth to her. It was the sheer fact that I had been hurt before…I had been discarded for another girl…that my spirits on true love were dampened to an uttermost extreme. Rachel's reasons I'm not absolutely sure of. She had never mentioned a guy that she'd dated in the past that had done anything horrible to her unless she considers the pure, straight-up reality that there weren't many guys who could talk of cinematography for over three hours straight with her a form of mental rape.

The rumbling thunder brought me back to reality and I nuzzled my face beside her neck and tried to find sleep again. Before I could even try a gentle knock came at the door and I groaned.

"Come in." I say in a half whisper not wanting to wake Rachel. She had not had the chance to sleep the past couple of days. Not with the September 11th events anyway…she had been on assignments nonstop. I worry about her. Rachel HAS to be mentally exhausted and emotionally fatigued having to go out and take pictures of all this death and destruction every single day, and if not, well…I know she's more human than that. She hasn't had a choice, Rachel's taking the pictures for her job, and I feel like the lowest scum of the earth sitting at home gawking at my camera, too chicken to even TRY and go look at ground zero. Puh, some cameraman I am. Slowly the door finally creaked open and Roger walked in.

"Hey dude," he whispers, "Did I wake you?"

"No, I was about to get up anyhow." I slowly pull my body from the bed and put the mass of the blankets over the wiped out body of Rachel whom doesn't even stir. I kiss her forehead then follow Roger into the kitchen. Mimi is at the table sipping on some tea; drowsiness still very plain in her face despite the reality that her clothes and make-up were on.

"Morning chica," I say kissing her cheek and going to poor myself some of the tea.

"Morning Mark. You finally get Rachel to bed?"

"Yeah, she was so tore up by some of the stuff she saw. Rachel says they're finding body parts everywhere." Mimi cringes as I say this.

"Poor little babe."

I sip the tea, "Did you two sleep well?"

"About as well as you can sleep around here anymore." He half laughs. Not outta humor, but…I suppose out of a mixture of torn emotion full of terror but at the same time of hope.

"Have you called the girls yet and checked on them?" I ask.

"Joanne called this morning around six saying that her and Maureen had gotten on a boat out of the city on the 11th and are staying in New Jersey till things settle down." Roger answered. "And they were sorry they took forever to get that to us." Slowly, one knot in my stomach faded.

"How about Collins?" I find my hands are shaking uncontrollable and I have to sit down my tea. Roger smiles wholeheartedly for me and puts a hand over mine.

"He's fine Mark, I called him right after I got off the phone with the lezzies."

I think to myself for a second…am I really about to ask the question I think I'm about to ask?? "What about Benny?"

"Didn't you hear Mark?" asked Mimi.

"Uhhh…noooo!" I'm struck by sheer dread. Sure he was an ass, sure he was a backstabber, but once upon a time Benny was my roommate and my friend.

"He moved to L.A. after his sentence. I thought you knew." Mimi said. "I'm sorry Mark!"

I shake my head gabbing my temples, "No, but that's okay…I'm just glad he's fine. It's amazing how one day can change your whole perspective of people's lives."

" Mark I never thought I'd be afraid of planes flying into buildings" Roger says, "This is America for God's sake. It's not supposed to happen here!" Roger sits beside Mimi and wraps an arm around her.

"I know, but…try not to talk about it when she gets up," I ask, "She's so upset…" For some unknown reason my eyes start to fill with tears…what am I talking about…it's not 'unknown'. It's right there in front of my face. I love her.

"I'm going to go turn on the news and see what's happened over night." Mimi says getting up.

"Why bother, just look out the window," Roger adds bitterly.

I look at Roger, " I'm going to tell you Roger, all I could think about the other day when all this shit happened was 'where's Rachel' 'I gotta find Rachel' and now when she comes in late, looking like someone's raped her of her pride and crawls into bed sobbing, and I hold her and realize what kind of coward I really am and how amazing she is…and how much I love her, and want to protect her, I don't know what to do."

"I know Mark. She is an amazing person…she's April's sister, and while April was a coward for escaping her fate, that's doesn't mean she wasn't a tough girl. There were so many times she tried to get me to stop the drug use and she paid the price for my mistakes." He shrugs it off, "The point is I'm okay, and Rachel's going to be okay, just be there for her Mark. The fact that I wasn't there for April was the thing that tore her down. You love her right?"

I nod, "Yes. Enough to drag her and me both out of this city if she asks it of me. I've said it from the beginning, she's too good for this place—"

"Mark, YOU'RE too good for this place."

We both jerk around and see Rachel standing there, tears brimming her eyes.

I stand, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing…for the first time in days Mark, absolutely nothing."

I shift my feet nervously, "How much did you hear."

"Enough to know that the stay has been worth it and sleeping next to you each night has been the most fulfilling thing in my life since my sister's death." She walks up to me and wrap he arms around me, and I wrap mine around her, holding her as though I'd never let go, even if you came at me with the jaws of life…well…maybe if you came after me with---

"I love you."

Finally, the tears broke free, and I whispered back, "I love you too." I took my head from the crook of her shoulder and picked her up, and spinning her around and in proud proclamation yelled, "I LOVE YOU!" at the top of my lungs. When I sat her down I stared into her gorgeous eyes and the truth ran freely, "Do you know how much I worried the other day when those buildings came down? If you had been in one, God, it's bad enough the way I feel for the losses of our city, but if I had lost you, my world would have collapsed. I love you. Rachel..."

"You know Mark, I don't think you could've picked a better time for us to admit this."

I smile, "No day but toady right?"

The applause of two of my best friends was heard from behind.

"It's about time!" Mimi laughed.

"Bravo!" Roger bellowed.

"No," I say solemnly walking to the window looking at the smoke and rubble and the policemen and firemen burrowing through the remains of the World Trade Center buildings at ground zero, searching feverishly for lives. I held Rachel close and said, "Bravo to them. Bravo to love. Bravo to America."

Suddenly I knew how to finish my film…





"In these dangerous times, where it seems the world is ripping away at the seems, we all can learn how to survive from those who stare death squarely in the face every day and we should reach out to each other and bond as a community, rather than hide from the terrors of life at the end of the millennium.

~Jonathan Larson~