Author's note: thank you very much for all your reviews and messages!
Chapter Nine
"Brides have stopped running away since Julia Roberts ruined the concept, you know."
Maura didn't flinch. She remained focused on the lake that spread its strange, transparent ribbon of ice before her eyes. The sun made it shine.
Besides William was exaggerating: she hadn't run away, she had gone for a walk. There was a big difference between both notions.
"I thought Julia Roberts was married. I didn't know she had turned someone down at the last minute."
There was something cute in Maura's incapacity to tell the difference between humor and seriousness. Her remark caused William's lips to curl up in an amused smile. There was no point in insisting on Maura being too literal.
He approached the bench his friend was sitting on and joined her on it.
"I don't understand why you're so anxious, so stressed. You have a strong relationship with Jane; one of the strongest I've ever got to witness. Why can't you just abandon yourself to it properly? It's not gonna kill you, Maura."
William had at least the honesty to be direct and Maura appreciated it. She simply lacked the courage it took to embrace his words and make them hers. He was wise, she knew it. Something just didn't work within her mind; something that prevented her from doing what her friend was suggesting. She hadn't reached this stage yet.
"I've had terrible relationships until now."
Her poor explanation got welcomed by a sigh. William was anything but convinced by her words. He dramatically rolled his eyes and even allowed himself to laugh.
"Who hasn't? Yet it doesn't have to darken a beautiful story when you finally have the chance to have one." The woods were silent, peaceful. The end of the day was near and they would soon be plunged in the dark. The thought made William shiver a bit. He had grown up in the city, mountains looked unfriendly. "Look, I'm not talking about getting married here – you're in your right to decide to not tie the knot it and I respect it – but damn, Maura... Live! Love! Accept your freaking feelings."
"I accept them!" Maura's cheeks turned pink. Her answer had been a tad too loud. It had higlighted nothing but the latent fears that haunted her mind. "I'm in love with Jane – she's in love with me – and I feel extremely lucky."
Then what was her problem? How come she didn't manage to overcome this fog of uncertainty that kept on making her sight blurry?
"What are you afraid of?"
The whisper sounded almost innocent; soft like a stolen kiss. William was being serious in the most caring way ever. It warmed up Maura's heart but also opened bitter wounds she couldn't manage to understand.
She shrugged.
"I don't know. To lose her, maybe? What if we disagree and I lose her? What if it happens?" The words carried such importance that Maura felt like swallowing them back immediately. She closed her eyes as her frustration to be unable to do it grew within herself. "My life doesn't make sense if she isn't part of it."
William counted until five in his head before casting a desperate glance at his friend. He sighed - loudly, heavily - then shook his head.
"Gosh I can't believe you have a PhD."
...
The Game of Life. Jane hadn't played it since this afternoon of 1987. Frankie had swallowed a token and their parents had then thrown the game away claiming it was way too dangerous for her and Tommy to keep it.
Thirty years had passed by – thirty years or so – and now that she looked at the board, she realized that nothing had changed except it had turned into a vintage edition. The six little cars didn't look as shiny as in her memories but the rest was there: her shitty job included. What was it that she could never pick the lawyer or surgeon card?
Vera had got a called from Las Vegas earlier in the evening. Her team needed her help on a case. She had thus declined the offer to play with the rest of the group and had quietly retreated in the library. It had solved the six-car-only issues.
Jane missed her. There was something strange about this woman, strange but appealing. She spoke her mind and didn't care if she didn't fit in. She had a lot of self-control, almost too much to not be intimidating.
"I don't have enough room left in this car for another child. What went wrong, exactly?"
"Your hysterectomy?" William winked at Emma before picking a card. He and Maura had come back to the cabin a couple of hours ago. They hadn't alluded again to the conversation they had had in the woods. Maura probably needed time to work on whatever words and ideas had finally managed to pass her lips. "Oh hey, look at that. I got a promotion." The young man smirked. "Still no boyfriend though. Story of my life."
Maura hadn't cried. She had remained oddly strong in spite of an ounce of truth hitting at last the air. The lightness of the social boardgame was more than welcome; she needed a time out from the exhausting wonders.
Matthew had chosen the game. She hadn't opposed herself to it. How could she anyway? Her friends would have found her reaction to be suspicious; her friends and Jane.
Lost in blank thoughts, she looked down at the board and stared at her very own little car: her character had got married and two children had completed the whole scene. What an ironic, classic scheme. And to top it all, she happened to be a medical doctor.
She didn't like much this kind of coincidences.
Jane was sitting by her side but neither of them had tried to look at each other. Maura knew that Jane's slip was absolutely nothing but it had made her feel extremely uncomfortable nonetheless. They were an old couple and were thus already married; in their own way. Jane was actually in her right to call Maura her 'wife'. The context however brought a paradoxical shade to the Freudian slip.
Nobody had really insisted over it though and Maura had been glad to let go of it. Her embarrassment was strrong enough. She didn't need any external help to hope for a tornado to take her very far from the Berkshire mountains.
She feared the moment they would have to go to bed though. Between Jane's slip and her subconscious revelation to William by the lake, her brain had plunged in an ocean of doubts and she wasn't sure to have what it took to face her partner in the intimacy of a bedroom.
It was ridiculous. People were dying all over the world and she was here going dramatic over something as shallow as unfounded doubts about a relationship that was strong and sweet. Guilt was tightening an invisible grip on her heart.
She and Jane would need to speak.
"My life is atrociously boring." Her remark unexpectedly made her laugh. What was the point of playing The Game of Life if nothing relevant happened to her? She shook her head then grabbed her glass of wine. "This is slightly depressing."
A marriage and two kids. Probably a dog too, as well as a house in some nice suburbs. The mere thought made her feel nauseous as it was exactly the kind of lifestyle she was trying to escape. There was a reason why she had bought a house in Beacon Hill and not in a wealthy suburbs like Brookline. She was a city girl and would always be.
She wasn't made for classic schemes.
"Get a mistress. Aren't you half-French or something, anyway? An affair would totally be justified by your double nationality."
Her smirk didn't have much of an effect on Emily who started giggling, surprised by her own comment.
"Thank you very much for your suggestion but I think I will pass. I am a faithful partner." And just with that, Maura grabbed Jane's hand to hold it tightly. The contact stirred up a warm sensation in her lower stomach. "I'm pretty sure it's only a matter of balance. I need to figure it out."
Then everything would be fine.
"Alright, who's the evening loser?" Vera stormed into the room with her usual, untouchable elegance. She raised an eyebrow and smirked at Matthew. "How are things going for you, honey?"
Jane smiled. Vera's nonchalance reminded her of Constance, Maura's mother. Both women shared the same temper.
"I'm an architect... Divorced... One kid. Could be worse, you know. Ficticious life isn't that bad for me right now."
Vera took a seat and poured herself a glass of wine. She grabbed a wad of bills and proceeded to check the amount that was left.
"Good. Since I'm late to the party, I'll be your boring bank clerk." Her eyes stopped on Emily's little car. "Jeez, stop reproducing yourself. Who do you think you are, Gizmo? Someone stop feeding her after midnight."
