Chapter 9- The Queen's Croquet Ground
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'My name is Jean, Your Majesty,' said Jean, summoning all of her courage. Why should I be intimidated by them? They're just a pack of cards, after all.
Anna's attention was next turned to the three gardeners, and a puzzled frown appeared on her face. 'Who are these people?' she asked. Since the pattern on their backs was the same as the rest of the deck, she didn't know if they were courtiers, gardeners, or even three of her own children.
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Remy's face brightens and he cheerfully says to Rogue, 'Roguey, we have children in this parody!'
He was met with an elbow in his ribs and the authoress chuckled.
So perfect for each other it's almost uncanny... *Ducks Rogue's thrown phone and it gets impaled on Evan's spikes* Wait a moment... That's MY phone! Ahh! XPERIA! Rogue, you're evil!
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'How should I know?' snapped Jean, profoundly surprised at her own courage. 'It's no business of mine.'
Anna looked startled at this and snarled, 'Off with her head!' mostly because it was a fun thing to do. Remy placed a gentle hand on his wife's shoulder. 'Remember, chère, she is just a child,' he whispered gently.
Anna huffed and turned away.
Addressing the three gardeners, she snapped, 'Get up!'
Roberto, Ray and Sam immediately jumped to their feet and started bowing to everyone within bowing distance.
'Cut that out,' sighed Anna. 'It's making me dizzy.'
The three gardeners stood still.
'What have you been doing here?' asked Anna, inspecting the painted rose trees.
'We were trying to-'
'I see,' answered Anna, looking most annoyed to discover that the roses had been painted. 'Off with their heads!'
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'I wouldn't make such a big fuss about a bunch of flowers,' complained Rogue.
I know, but the unreasonable Queen would. Work with me here.
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With that, the royal family moved on, leaving Jean alone with the three terrified gardeners, who rushed to her for protection.
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'We're depending on a girl we've just met to not get our butts kicked?' said Ray incredulously.
What would you rather do? Run and find yourself surrounded by guards? Besides, its kinda fun to imagine you three boys crouching behind Jean while she fends off bananas- I mean, attackers.
Remy sighed a drawn-out, dramatized sigh. 'She's been going on about evil bananas for three whole days. I think we should set her up with Pyro sometime. You know how he hates pineapples (1).'
No way! Pyro should be with Wanda!
'Gah!' cried Wanda, leaping out of her seat and hexing Pyro, who had been hopefully approaching her. 'Why can I not seem to be able to attract normal suitors, for once?'
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'I won't let them do anything to you,' Jean vowed, and she quickly shoved them in a large and empty flowerpot nearby.
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'Wait... You mean the guards didn't even see her do that?' snorted Kurt.
Um... It's not explained in the book, so I guess she did it when their backs were turned or something. Either that or the guards are really dumb.
'But who are the soldiers?' asked Ororo.
Whoever you'd like them to be. Um, maybe the Brotherhood, and the Acolytes, just because I want them all there.
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Pietro and Piotr searched the entire garden for the three fugitives, even enlisting the help of Jean, who was trying hard not to giggle at the sight of them frantically uprooting shrubs and dashing around the place.
However, after ten minutes of searching, it became evident that the gardeners had hidden themselves well.
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'But why didn't they look in the flowerpot?' asked Jean.
Rewind please.
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But as they approached the flowerpot, Jean shouted, 'Don't reach in there! It's full of millipedes and poisonous black widows!'
The two soldiers glanced at each other, then decided to trust Jean. Black widows were deadly, and millipedes were icky. (2) Neither of them wanted to risk it.
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There. Much better. I myself always wondered why Lewis Carroll didn't go into detail on that scene, so I did it myself.
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They ran ahead to regroup with the others. 'Are their heads off?' questioned Anna.
'Their heads are gone, Your Majesty,' promptly recited Pietro without a hint of shame.
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Wanda snorted and muttered, 'He's shameless in the story. Go figure.'
'Hey! At least I'm better than certain people over there,' said Quicksilver pointedly, nodding towards Rogue and Remy, who were making out and using a great deal of tongue.
How are you able to-
Which was when Remy handed me a note that said: 'Power negater, and yes, I knew you were going to ask.'
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'Excellent!' cried Anna, who then turned to Jean and asked, 'Do you know how to play croquet?'
'Yes,' she replied.
'Well, come on, then!' cried Anna.
Jean made to follow her, but was stopped by a soft voice from behind.
'It's a very fine day, Miss,' said Scott, blushing furiously.
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'Awwww,' chorused Kitty and some of the younger mutants.
But wait! There's more!
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'It is, indeed,' replied Jean awkwardly. 'By the way, does your housekeeper really look that much like me? You mistook me for her, you know.'
If it had been possible for Scott to blush any harder, he would have.
'Ah, yes, about that... I'm so sorry, you see, uh, she's got red hair and-'
'It's ok,' said Jean, more to reassure Scott than anything. They both smiled at each other.
'Where's the Duchess?' asked Jean suddenly.
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'Wait, that's it?' asks Scott, mouth gaping. 'That's my pleasant surprise?'
I couldn't have Jean mate with a rabbit, could I? Sparks were flying between the two of you anyway. I thought that would be enough to satisfy you.
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'She's under sentence of execution,' replied Scott.
'What for?'
'For attempted seduction and murder of the King (3), followed by assault on the Queen who punched the Duchess's face-'
Jean gave a little screech of laughter. To be frank, she had never been very fond of Raven the Duchess, and she couldn't believe she'd tried to seduce the King.
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Everybody hold Rogue back!
Rogue growled and lunged towards Mystique.
A person standing outside the casting room door would have heard this:
BANG! ROAR OF RAGE! CRASH! SCREECH OF A SHAPESHIFTER! SCREAM! BOOM! UTTER APOCALYPSE IN THE CASTING ROOM!
Along with a creepy soundtrack, which was actually Deadpool's maniacal laughter.
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'Shh!' whispered Scott, nervously looking around to check if anyone had heard. 'They'll hear and behead you!'
Jean stopped abruptly. Scott's ruby eyes glinted with concern for her, a warm feeling that melted her heart. She smiled brightly-Scott let a silly grin cross his mouth at the sight- and kissed his cheek.
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Oh my gosh, don't tell me he missed that! Scott, wake up. Snap out of it.
'He's still unconscious,' said Jean worriedly. Rogue had chucked a chair-among other things- at Mystique but she'd missed and it hit Scott instead.
Are we ever gonna have a normal day around here?
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'Take your places everyone!' bellowed Anna from the croquet court, and Jean bid farewell to a blushing Scott.
The game was soon underway, but Jean wasn't too excited about it, mainly because of the poorly- designed croquet ground. It was composed entirely of ridges and furrows, so rough that it was impossible to hit the ball straight in any direction.
Not only that, but the croquet balls were live hedgehogs, and the mallets were real, breathing flamingos. The arches were formed by the soldiers, who had to stand on their hands and feet to form them. For Jean, the greatest difficulty was getting the card soldiers to stand still long enough so that she could play.
To make matters worse, everybody was playing on their own terms, disobeying all the rules. They were a bad bunch; argumentative and selfish, snatching hedgehogs and whacking other people with their flamingos.
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Roberto suddenly said in an alarmed voice, 'Authoress, is that Deadpool?'
Sure enough, Wade was on the screen, doing most of the whacking and arguing. A few gunshots were fired and most people gave him a wide berth, eager to avoid the crazy knife-wielding lunatic who was apparently trying to talk to his flamingo.
What the- How'd he get in there?
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All of this greatly offended Anna, who went around in a terrifying rage, roaring, 'Off with her head!' or 'Off with his head!'
Jean was afraid that Anna might soon turn on her and order her execution. What will become of me? They're so fond of beheading people around here. It's a wonder that anyone is left alive.
Just as she looked around for a way to escape, she noticed Kitty emerging from a nearby tree. Jean was elated to see her old friend as she would finally have someone to talk to.
'How are you?' asked Kitty cordially. The frustrated Jean decided that she would allow herself some time to whine about her present situation.
'They don't play fairly at all,' she complained to Kitty. 'They waste all of their time quarreling and breaking rules. You have no idea how confusing it is for everything to be alive! Look, there's the arch walking around now. How am I supposed to knock the hedgehog into it?'
'And how do you find the Queen?' asked Kitty in a low voice.
'Not really,' replied Jean with some uncertainty. 'She's so-'
At that moment, Jean noticed that Anna was right behind her, listening to her words, so she hurriedly changed her words
'-likely to win that's it's hardly worth finishing the game.'
Anna raised an eyebrow but casually strolled past them.
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'Idiot,' said Belladonna angrily, still stuck in the ground. 'Anyone with half a brain cell could have saw that Jean was about to say something derogatory.'
Rogue, who was still smarting from the whole Raven thing, said some words to Belladonna which had better not be repeated here because this is rated K.
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'Who are you talking to?' inquired Remy, coming up behind Jean and gazing at Kitty with great curiosity.
'She's a Cheshire Cat. Allow me to introduce-'
'I don't like the look of her at all,' interrupted Remy. 'However, she may kiss my foot, if she likes.'
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'Classic Remy,' muttered Kitty. 'Cocky, arrogant, annoying…'
Epic Kitty!
'Humph,' muttered Remy.
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'I'd rather not,' retorted Kitty.
'Don't be impertinent,' replied Remy irritably. 'And don't look at me like that. It's creepy.'
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'It is not,' insisted Kitty. 'And besides, I don't even look at Remy. Why would I want to do that?'
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'A cat may look at a king,' murmured Jean to absolutely nobody. 'I've read that in a book somewhere, but I can't remember where.'
'My darling,' called Remy to Anna. 'I wish you would have this cat removed.'
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'Don't call me darling,' muttered Rogue, 'it's so sappy and annoying.'
'Aww but you like it, chère,' protested Remy.
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Now, Anna had only one way of solving all difficulties, big or small. 'Off with its head!' she called to Remy, not even glancing at Kitty.
'Excellent!' exclaimed Remy in glee, and he summoned the executioner.
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'Don't you even think about it,' exclaimed Kitty. 'Or I'll give you the Belladonna treatment!'
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Kitty scowled and began to phase, so Jean thought she might as well go back to the croquet game and see how the players were faring. However, gameplay was worse off than ever. As she tucked her flamingo- which constantly tried to escape- under her arm, Kitty materialized in the middle of the court. A large crowd slowly began to gather around her as she slowly rose out of the ground like a phantom.
Jean had to run after her hedgehog, which got into a fight with another hedgehog. Jean, after getting poked several times while trying to separate them, eventually gave up and returned to the center of the croquet ground to see the commotion.
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'Who's the hedgehog?' asked Kurt.
Um… Ah darn. I'd have liked it to be Jamie. How about Jubilee?
'WHAT?!' snaps Jubes, storming onto the set
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There was a dispute going on between Anna, Remy and John the Executioner.
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The authoress sighed.
Go on, Pyro. I know you're dying to say it.
'I'm the Executioner? AWESOME!' yelled the fiery Aussie, whose creations of fire cantered around the room, setting fire to several objects and one person- Mastermind. He yelped and ran for a hose of water.
Why is it always him?
'Comic relief, I guess,' shrugged Jubilee, who had recovered from the shock of being a prickly mammal.
'At least it's not Scott,' observed Jean.
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The three playing cards rushed up to Jean and begged her to resolve their debate. However, because they all started talking at once, she couldn't understand them at all.
Eventually though, they slowed down just enough for Jean to make out what they were saying.
John cried, 'Blasphemy! I cannot cut off a head unless it's attached to a body! I have never done anything like that before in my life, and I certainly am not going to start now! This is blasphemy, I tell you!'
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'What's with the 'blasphemy's?' asked Remy.
Inside joke with Silver and John in our Whatsapp group.
Deadpool threw a saber at the authoress, who died and came back because nothing gets in the way of a determined teenage girl eager to say her piece.
'Nobody breaks the fourth wall except me!' hollered Deadpool.
Shut up. Anyway, yes, we were breaking the fourth wall in Whatsapp, and I made John keep saying 'BLASPHEMY!' while we were RP-ing.
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Remy retorted angrily, 'Anything with a head can be beheaded, you absolute moron.'
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'Hear, hear!' cried Wanda.
'Bloody git,' said Pyro, addressing Remy. 'Blasphemy!'
:D Even the real Pyro's caught on now!
Somewhere in this universe, SilverShadowWriter sighed and muttered,'What the bloody hell…'
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Anna's highly logical argument was this: 'If something isn't done soon, I will behead everyone within a ten mile radius!'
This statement was what had everyone so grave and anxious.
Jean could think of nothing else to say except, 'The Cat belongs to the Duchess. You'd better ask for her permission first.'
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Rogue grumbled, 'Even in this parody she orders us around.'
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John shot off like an arrow to fetch Raven.
However, while he left, Kitty had been slowly disappearing into the background. When John returned with Raven in tow, Kitty was gone, prompting a fruitless search for her- but she was long gone.
Remy and his guards upturned the place looking for her, but to no avail.
Meanwhile, everybody else continued the croquet game.
Wow... Not much response for the last chapter. Out of 601 people, only 45 reviews. Would like some feedback, thanks.
(1) This pineapple phobia is from Red Witch. My own abnormal banana fear is some nonsense I made up some chapters back- remember? :)
(2) Found this out for myself when the class was taken for a 'learning journey'. Total millipede count: 87. One memorable moment was when a group of us stumbled upon a millipede orgy, and I suddenly found myself in the middle of about 20 of them trying to circle me. Lovely place, eh?
(3) That whole Foxx incident (X-Men #171 onwards I think). Yeh, I had to include it. Hey, come on, Rogue never really got to hit Mystique for her little stunt that angered Romy fans worldwide.
Trivia: This is the longest chapter so far.
