A/N: So I am super tired. After posting this, I am probably gonna set tomorrow's videos to upload and go to bed. I didn't sleep at all last night because while I was recording one of tomorrow's videos a gunshot interrupted me toward the end(you will likely see at the end where my expression cuts from cheerful to not-so-happy though I cut out the gunshot and the long span of silence that followed as I assessed the situation to avoid people becoming super worried) followed by sirens shortly after. I only heard one set of sirens, just the police, so I don't believe anyone was hurt, but it still freaked me out pretty bad and my anxiety didn't let me sleep all night. I took a nap earlier today, but I am still practically asleep on my feet. My brain isn't functioning and I am just tired. The only reason I have lasted this long is because I drank a cup of Starbucks Refresher(Green Coffee ftw). I got a few packets to make that at home in case something like this happens again and I need coffee in order to make it through recording and editing for the day. So yeah, anyways, that was a reminder of why I hated growing up here and it was not much appreciated.
What pisses me off most about it is that someone could've gotten hurt and the fact this kind of thing was commonplace when I was growing up around here. It was nice and peaceful until a certain drug dealer moved back into the neighborhood, the house right next to us actually. They cause a commotion right outside our house, trample over our lawn, take part in illegal activities and now gunshots. I truly hope these people find themselves in jail soon, or at least kicked out of the house they are renting. Preferably one or the other happens before my mom and her boyfriend go to Florida for a week as I had a hard time last time they left and I was home alone and that was before the drug addicts moved back into the neighborhood, before gunshots. I'd prefer to have some peace of mind while they are gone, but it doesn't look like I will...I kinda wish I could be all vigilante hero like Batman or Ironman or any of the others and beat them all up and toss 'em in jail, but if I went over and confronted them either I'd get myself killed or I would end up in some kind of trouble. The police won't do anything until someone gets hurt, if even then. There is no way this man has been operating as long as he is without being known by the police force, especially since he does his business so openly and in daylight even, yet he is still free. It's bullcrap. T.T He needs to be put behind bars and so do all his buddies. But I've honestly lost faith in the police force of this town, they do some good things but they shy away from dealing with the drug problem permeating this pathetic excuse of a town. This is the place that was capital of the state twice in the past? Pathetic. T.T
So, yeah, this is what I'm dealing with. Go figure as soon I get my depression sorted something triggers my anxiety. If it's not one thing, it's another. *sighs* Hopefully you all are having a better time with life than I am.
P: Thanks! I'm glad you liked it!
Nina: Aww, thank you so much for your kind words! :D I'm glad you've been enjoying the story and that you think I'm doing a pretty good job. :)
About this scene...This takes place at some point while my Dovahkin is in Windhelm working with the Stormcloaks. She's been with them long enough to have gained Galmar and Ulfric's trust, but I am not one hundred percent exactly at what point this takes place beyond before the scene for Innocence. A follower of her youtube has found herself in Skyrim and seeks to join the Stormcloaks because of Crystal working for them. Of course, Crystal and Galmar question her motives and she begins questioning them herself, so she asks my Dovahkin for her reasoning behind joining the Stormcloaks...
# 009 - Drive
"What drives you?" Naomi asked curiously.
I shot a look across the dining table at the woman who had shown up a day ago requesting to join the Stormcloaks and claiming to be from the same world I was. It was hard to question her truthfulness, considering she knew things about me that no one not from there would've known prior to her appearance. She had apparently been a follower of my youtube, something that had proven very difficult to explain to my friends here. Whether or not she'd join was still up in the air, as Galmar and I had questioned her reasons, if she had any beyond realizing I was part of their number. Initially she had been firm, but when I questioned whether she was just following me on blind faith or truly believed in the cause, she had shown hesitance.
I shared a look with Galmar, who sat next to her, on Ulfric's right hand. I sat across from him, on Ulfric's other side. I then turned my attention back to the one who had asked the question.
"If you followed my videos, shouldn't you know that?" I asked, taking a bite of my food.
She frowned. "Fighting a war doesn't seem like something someone motivated by love would do," she said, looking troubled by the aspect. "That was the impression I had of what drove you."
I swallowed. "Love is a feeling, but it is more than that. It is standing by those you love in times of need. It is fighting for them when there is cause. It is...so much more than I could sit here and tell in a reasonable amount of time," I said. "Tell me, if someone you loved was being treated poorly, beaten, oppressed, any or all of the above or anything else they shouldn't be, would you not fight to correct that?"
"Hm, I suppose," she said thoughtfully. "But….so many people die in war. You have said you don't like death, yet you kill Imperials…."
"What would you have me say, Naomi? That I avoid killing them? I try, they give me not much room for letting myself be my old pacifist self," I said, now just moving my food around on my plate. "The war will not be won if I avoid killing all of my opponents. Yes, I take issue with death and, yeah, I still have that irrational fear of dead things, but...war doesn't leave room for that. To think it does, would just be naive. While I remain naive on some things...life taught me hard lessons on this stuff before you were even born. And it has only been driving home those lessons in the most recent years. And we can't be so afraid of war and death that people get away with crimes against humanity."
Naomi bit her lip.
"Did you expect to join the Stormcloaks and not have to kill someone at some point?" I asked, grateful Ulfric and Galmar were silent, letting me handle the conversation with my apparent follower.
She bit her lip harder. "Maybe," she admitted. "When I heard that you were part of the war….I thought….maybe I could be useful even though I refuse to kill a soul. I...look up to you, you know? I didn't even consider following you into this would lead to me maybe having to kill someone."
I gave her an understanding, soft look. "I understand," I said. "You have no idea how much I hate my job sometimes. I don't like killing. I absolutely hate that I have to do it. But I would even if I didn't involve myself in the war. I might as well fight for what I believe if I have to fight anyways."
"Is that all? Just because you have to kill anyways?" Naomi asked, looking down.
"Tell me," I said, folding my hands in front of me. "If the Thalmor figured out how to move between the worlds and they came to our home in America, took our resources that people already fight over, took away our freedoms that people already fear the loss of without even having proof they are in danger, stole people in the night, manipulated our leaders….would you sit back and watch while your neighbors, your fellow Americans, your fellow human beings were subjected to such? If your family came under attack?"
"Hell no," Naomi said, looking up and I caught a barely there flicker in her eyes. Then that fire immediately disappeared before it even caught. "But I don't think I'd fight a war…"
"If you wouldn't fight for America, then why should you fight for Skyrim? Because I am?" I shifted in my seat. "I am driven by my love of Skyrim, by my love of the friends I have made here, by my desire to have a home again. But most of all, I am driven to fight for what I believe in. Freedom, liberty...facets of love and thus things I care deeply about. But do not use my reasons as cause to do the same. You must find your own. Until then, do not fight just because I do. Do you forget another thing I have said on my channel?"
"What is that?" Naomi asked.
I slammed my hand on the table. "Do not follow me blindly," I said, a firmness in my tone that I didn't often use. A hardness to it that I had never shown before. "If you watched my Mass Effect playthrough, you know that I do not appreciate people following me who cannot think for themselves. I loved the characters of that game because they all thought for themselves, they didn't just blindly follow Shepard. They followed him because they believed in him, sure, but also because they weighed the costs themselves and knew that the mission needed to be done. If they couldn't think for themselves, they would've all died on the Collector's base."
Naomi looked shocked and then looked away a bit. "I must've missed that episode…" she admitted.
I sighed heavily. "I have missed a lot," I told her. "Look, my point is, if you want to join us, you need to find your own reasons. If you just join because I did, you will lose interest and your heart will not be in it. And we don't need people who just half-ass their jobs. And don't just make up reasons. Find your drive. Find where it leads you. Gather information and search your heart for what you will do with it. Not what I have or would do. Not what your parents or your siblings or your friends would do. What you would do. That is the only way you can make the decision that is right for you."
"I see, I think I understand," Naomi said. She smiled at me a little. "And I think I understand again, why I followed you in the first place."
"Why's that?" I asked curiously.
"You aren't afraid to say what you think," Naomi grinned. "You don't see that often in our world these days. Everyone's so worried about being politically correct."
I chuckled slightly. "I dunno what circles you hang out with, but the majority of Americans are actually fed up with political correctness and that perpetual state of being offended that's been going around," I said. "Why do you think the last election went as it did?"
"I suppose you are right there," Naomi said, rubbing her head sheepishly. "But still, youtubers like you and Markiplier and Jack…"
"Do not lump me in with them," I said. "I was hardly on their level. Jack and Mark are both leaps and bounds better at being a youtuber."
Naomi giggled. "If you say so," she said.
"I do, so nyah," I stuck my tongue out at her childishly, prompting our audience of Ulfric and Galmar to chuckle at me. "But no, seriously, I looked up to those two. It would've been years before I ever had any hope of ever catching up."
"I wonder what they would say about the war," Naomi mussed.
I shrugged. "Who knows? At this point, we'll never know."
"True," Naomi sighed. "I'm gonna miss watching their videos."
"Same," I said. "Occasionally Jack's intro just pops into my head at random."
Naomi giggled. "Top of the morning to you!"
"No, no you gotta do it right," I said. I slapped the air with my hand and shouted "Top of the morning to ye, laddies!" with as heavy an accent as I could muster. I coughed slightly afterward, since it strained my voice to yell that loudly.
Naomi burst into laughter. "If only we could make that slap sound!"
I grinned.
She sobered after a few minutes of laughter. "Well, thanks," she said, looking at me. "Maybe someday I can be so sure of what drives me as you are."
"I am only so sure most days," I confided. "I am only human. I may have been a youtuber, but that doesn't change the fact I have my own low points and doubts."
"Oh," she said.
"Mark has said it and I should've said it, I suppose, not to put us youtubers on a pedestal. We're just like the rest of you." I shot her a serious look.
"I know," she said, picking at her food. "Guess sometimes that is hard to remember."
"Hm," I hummed in understanding. "Hey, don't worry, I get it. We've all been there."
Naomi smiled a bit. "I guess I'll wait to make a decision so large," she said. "After all, I wouldn't want to half-ass my missions." Her eyes twinkled.
"Considering doing so could kill ya," I said, pointing my fork at her.
"I didn't even think about the possibility of dying…"
And with that, I fell off the bench backwards. I heard Galmar groan, shaking his head as he muttered about naive children. Ulfric just sighed as he held a hand out to help me up.
"Is it something I said?" Naomi asked.
We all just stared at her. I was tempted to ask her if she even watched my Mass Effect playthrough.
