Sidenote: Annimo, you should get an account on this website, man. I wanted to reply to your reviews so many times but I couldn't. :D Seriously though, thank you for sticking by since the beginning!
CHAPTER 9: Consequences
By the time the Vocaloids were on the road again, everyone felt refreshed and looked forward to the performances again -there were about 13 weeks worth of shows left in the current year, plus another two that were booked after Christmas. A longer break from touring, possibly lasting for several months, has been planned after that. Aside from well deserved couch-potatoing after months of hard work, the management and those crew members that had any say in the matter (led by Meiko) had gone through the final barrage of new songs and narrowed them down to eight that would be recorded and released throughout the first half of the next year. The place of the ninth song has been reserved for a song contest that was to be announced sometime in Spring; the collection was then supposed to close with a remix of three older songs, rounding the number of new releases to ten.
Announcing these plans to everyone, though, wasn't the most breaking news. In general, people were pleasantly surprised, a few of them even shocked, when the word got out that Miku and Kaito were a couple. They now spent most of their time together, usually behind a closed door every time they could find one. Everyone who had noticed the girl's struggles before must have admitted that she was suddenly beaming with energy and enthusiasm, while Kaito had a great boost in confidence. Things seemed to have worked out pretty well.
Sadly, not everyone was as happy as them.
"I should just give up," Luka muttered and breathed out a nicotine cloud. Her cigarette consumption has slightly increased since she heard the news.
The venue that they performed in that night had a metal staircase glued to its back; it was primarily a fire escape but judging from what the ground beneath looked like, it has probably been used by smokers for quite a while. At that particular moment, Luka was standing there, smoking, leaning on the railing and looking forward without actually seeing anything. She was accompanied by Rin who was sitting on the staircase, shifting her gaze from her friend towards the whirring city and back every now and then.
"I always try to be as selfless as I can," the woman continued; "because I'm happy when I can help people. And the one time I actually want something for myself, this happens."
"I thought you didn't like Kaito?" the twin asked. "Not like that, anyway."
"Well-" Luka stuttered. "I thought so too, but... he's just so sweet and funny and handsome..." She softly hit the metal bar in front of her with her fist. "And once again, Miku claims everything."
"What do you mean, once again?"
"Don't you see?" The girl took one last lungful of smoke and threw the cigarette butt to the depths below where it landed among all its predecessors left there by perhaps entire generations of musicians. "Miku has everything. She is who everyone wants to see at a show, she gets to record and perform all the cool songs while the rest of us can just grab the popcorn and let her enjoy it all. And she is the one who steals everyone's hearts, including Kaito."
Luka felt tears rushing into her eyes and forced them to stay inside. She didn't want to cry when she wasn't alone.
"I thought I was okay with always being second in everything. But it's... it's just not fair anymore."
"Don't be such a downer," Rin said and frowned faintly. "You're not doing so bad. The show needs us all, you know that."
"Does it? Because I think Miku would be more than fine if she was doing this by herself. If she wants to have everything, maybe I should just let her."
"I know you're upset, but right now, you're just being ridiculous. Miku doesn't want everything, and you know it."
"Even if she doesn't, why does she always get everything? It's ridiculous!"
"She doesn't, cut it out already."
"Come on, just try and tell me one thing that I have and she doesn't!"
"Parents."
Suddenly, the girls were silent. Luka who was ready to retort something -anything -kept her mouth shut as her brain attempted to fully comprehend what she just heard. The twin suddenly froze too, and her eyes widened.
"Oooh shit," she muttered.
"What?" the pink singer slowly opened her mouth. "What are you saying to me?"
"Nothing," Rin replied. "Just... forget I said anything."
"I won't until you tell me that I don't have hearing problems. Are you saying-"
"For fuck's sake, yes!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Miku doesn't have parents. They're dead. And so am I if she finds out I told you this."
"...whoa." Luka's head spun; she had to sit down on the metal platform, a little bit in shock. "Jesus. I had no idea."
"Of course, how could you?" Rin was clearly angry at herself for letting her guard down so inconveniently. "Miku didn't want anyone to know. I'm the only one that she told this."
"...how..." was she could ask.
"Car crash. She was two or three when it happened. Her parents were driving home from a party or something, a bigass truck hit them, and that was it."
"Oh my god, that's terrible!" Luka was only slowly beginning to wrap her head around it. "And doesn't she have anyone else left?"
"Why do you think it is," the twin asked her, and her voice trembled just for a short moment, "that she keeps referring to us as her family? That's not just a phrase, we are literally the only family she has right now. Except for this aunt who lives in some village outside of Sapporo, and they... they don't get along too well."
"How come?"
"Well, when her parents... died, her aunt was the one who had to start taking care of Miku instead of her own career. I think Miku thinks that she blames her for ruining her life." Rin snorted in disapproval. "Whatever the truth is, their relationship is pretty tense."
"So that's why she wanted to stay alone on the vacation!" Luka realised, and covered her head in her hands. "It all comes together now."
"Anyway," the blonde girl continued; "like I said, don't let her know that you know. She really doesn't want anyone to feel sorry for her. She wants us to treat her like a normal human person."
"Stupid girl!" Luka shouted. "Why doesn't she ever allow us to... just be there for her? She never tells us anything, and then she's surprised that we can't help her resolve the problems that we don't even know she has. Does that make any sense to you?"
"I mean, I should be lucky enough that she told me at least this much."
The twin stood up and walked up closer to her, only to sit right next to her. She was frowning and her eyes spoke of a great concern; her expression made Luka wonder how long has Rin been keeping that secret from everyone. It would have been one thing if it was just the information itself; but she was also apparently forced to play Miku's game and act like nothing was out of the ordinary in front of everybody. That subsequently meant that she had noone to share her worries with; she was the only one who knew at least one of the reasons behind her friend's state of mind.
"Do you think that's why she's... the way she is?" Luka asked after a while of quiet brainstorming. "I'm no psychologist, but... Miku is trying so hard to be cool with everything, trying to be happy... But then she starts feeling lonely and totally blacks out. I don't know, maybe it's because she didn't have anyone to love her as a kid, and she can't start to believe that she has people around her that care."
"I think so too," Rin agreed. "Why do you think I do whatever I can to cheer her up? I figured she should learn to accept that."
"How long have you known anyway?"
"Remember that fight we had about Doubleganger some two months ago? On the bus? Welp, when we arrived at the hotel that day, we kinda sat down and apologised. It turned into an honest talk about what was bothering us, and Miku brought up her parents." The twin looked at the sky and sighed. "Since then, I knew that I must never stop loving and encouraging the crap outta her at all times."
The pink girl felt an embarrasing pressure in her chest. Something clicked inside her head.
"Wow," she spoke up her mind; "I'm being a... huge prick to her. All the time. I always thought she was just a drama queen who needed attention."
"Well, on one hand... yeah, you're a prick," Rin snickered without joy. "On the ather hand, you're kinda right. She wants someone, anyone, to love her because she needs to believe that she deserves being loved."
"So... Kaito...?"
"I guess so. Picture the scene -you're Miku, you're locked in the studio with a bunch of adults that you barely know, and everyone else is going to Disneyland with their families while you lie on your back and wish for someone to be there with you. And in comes Kaito, telling you that you're literally the only thing in the universe that's important to him. What other outcome could there be?"
Luka didn't know what to do next -her world was turning upside down. Eventually, she sighed and reached into her pocket to pull out her cigarettes again.
"You're smoking a lot," the twin nudged her with her elbow.
"Yeah, I know, shuddup," she said, lit one up and let the first batch of smoke circle around her respiratory system. "Wow. I just realised that I barely know Miku. I barely know anyone in here, actually. What were you like growing up, how many friends did you have in school, where did your parents take you for trips. Those are the things that really define who you are, not that bullshit like what's your favorite color or do you like pineapple on pizza."
"You're right, noone asks about that," Rin agreed. "But why do you suddenly think about that?"
"Because," Luka breathed out a small gray cloud; "I take for granted that everyone has parents that do things with them. Even if I only live with mom, me and dad still do shit together. But Miku, as you say, didn't have that. I genuinely wonder what her childhood was like."
"You can only hope she'll tell you someday. And you could start treating her a little better, now that you know this."
She sighed again. "Then I guess I should just let her and Kaito play rabbits, huh?"
"Hey." Rin softly caressed her arm. "You'll get him one day."
"Thanks."
"I mean it! The thing that's between the two of them... it's just not real. She told me her side of the story."
Luka smiled in inner torment. "What, did she tell you all the details about the time she spent under Kaito?"
"Okay, first of all... She said she likes being on top, actually." The twin giggled. "Sorry. The point is, she said she was lonely and needed to feel love, that's why it happened that first time, and that's the fuel that keeps their relationship driving. That doesn't count as a real relationship in my opinion. I wanna be happy for her, but... I really don't think it will last."
"People are weird, aren't they?" said Luka.
"I dunno about that, but things are never really straightforward, I'll tell you that much."
The older girl closed her eyes and laid down her head on Rin's; all that they have previously discussed left such a mess in her head that she simply needed an anchor to keep her grounded, both physically and mentally. Ironically, she came to understand at that very moment how important it was to have someone that she could lean on in her life, and she was grateful that she at least had the twin by her side. Rin seemed to undersand it because she placed her own head on Luka's shoulder, assuring her that she cared. It was the closest they could get to an actual hug without standing up.
Luka straightened her back soon because she didn't want to finish her cigarette right next to the twin's face. But before she could bring it to her mouth, she paused and inspected it as if it was the first cigarette she'd ever seen in her life -or rather as if she had just realised what she was doing. She honestly asked herself if it was actually giving her something that she couldn't live without. Then, she breathed in some fresh air and threw her unfinished smoke over the railing.
"I'm gonna stop smoking," she told Rin. "And I'm not going to be jealous anymore. Kaito and Miku seem to need each other right now, and he doesn't like me like that anyway. And I don't wanna be the bad guy. I think I can go back to just being friends."
"That's the spirit!" her friend replied. "But I still think we're gonna laugh a lot one day. About you and Kaito, I mean."
"How can you be so sure?"
"I dunno. Weird things happen between two people. I would know."
Luka looked at her friend; she was suddenly smiling like a baby that just got its first lollipop.
"Is there something I don't know? Or someone?" she asked her.
Rin blushed a little. "Remember Ichiro?"
"Him?" she exclaimed. "I thought you hated his guts!"
"I thought I did! Buuuuuut... we sort of met a few days back, and it was..." The girl was suddenly short for words -for the first time that Luka remembered. "It was just like old times! He didn't care that I'm famous now, I'm still the girl he used to know. And he's so sweet and funny and charming and..." She giggled. "A better kisser than I remember."
"Whoa, look at you!" This lightened Luka's mood a small bit again. "So you two are a couple now, just like that?"
"I guess so! Although it's kinda hard being a couple when we never get to see each other. But get this: Ichiro's throwing a party at his house just after Christmas! And me and Len are both invited. I think that might lead to something interesting." And Rin chuckled again.
Luka had a suspition that Ichiro might be just playing with the twin to get into her panties; something was odd about the two of them meeting after such a long time and immediately being head over heels for each other. At least Rin seemed to have lost her head for him -perhaps along with her cautiousness. Then again, Luka didn't know anything about this boy, except for what the girl herself told her. And she said it herself -weird things did happen. The pink woman decided to not say anything about it. If this was real, she didn't want to discourage Rin.
"That sounds awesome," she said instead and smiled. "You'll have to tell me all about it! But later. We should probably get back inside."
"Oh yeah, the show. I completely forgot." The twin laughed, both girls stood up and entered the building.
"Were you serious about quitting smoking?" Rin asked on the way to the living room.
"I should at least try. It's kinda getting out of hand, I wanna stop before it's too late."
"That's cool. But why now?"
"I don't know. It seems like a good time to make some changes."
Considering all the circumstances, it took her by surprise that when she went on the stage that evening, Luka felt refreshed and positive like rarely ever before. Having decided to throw all her troubles over the shoulder and start anew filled her with determination and excitement for the future. There was nowhere to go but up from that point forward. To her, life was never really about the chances she missed, but rather about those that she had yet to encounter.
Even the song ID, her duet with Miku that she had been somewhat insecure about before her conversation with Rin, felt great to perform again. Both girls were exuding so much positive energy -for different reasons -that the crowd was blown away at first, unsure how to respond to that. But at then end, everyone cheered like crazy, and Luka was so cheerful that she even dared to uncharacteristically give her friend a small hug right before she was supposed to leave the stage.
"What?" Miku laughed into her ear, confused but happy as well.
"Nothing. It was amazing," she simply replied and walked away with a big smile, leaving the star to continue the show.
Sure, learning the truth about Miku's family was a bummer. Luka was convinced that if Rin told it, for example, to Kaito instead, he would have immediately fallen into a state of deep, depressing compassion, proclaiming that he will be the one to make everything right. She thought differently. As the twin said, Miku didn't want anyone to make a big deal of it, and she wanted to respect that. It wasn't like the girl was still mourning for her own loss; she accepted that this was the way her life was going to be, even if there was still some leftover pain. Luka simply didn't want to take it more seriously than Miku herself.
Besides, she had a boyfriend to take care of her now. Luka's own feelings were irrelevant at the moment, mostly because she didn't want to get in the way of Kaito's happiness -his and Miku's, for that matter. On one hand, yes, it was still aching a little that the boy couldn't love her back; but ultimately, she was happy that at least the two of them got what they needed. And now that she knew she didn't have a chance with him anyway, she could eventually try to forget and move on.
It was strange, but for once, everything seemed right.
