I'm back, after more than a month, after all that waiting I had to put you though. Yeah, I suck. I know, I've heard. I'm babbling. I'm going straight to the point. I think that I had a life changing moment in the last few weeks. Don't ask about it, but I have, and now I see the world with a whole new light. That was probably something that isn't very important to you…
Anyway, here's something you should know about Isabelle. Her power's aren't mental, so Bella can't block her out. Just something that you guys should know, some of you asked about it. Also, in other news, when New Moon comes out, I'm going to bring a list of 100 things to do in a theater and see if I can get kicked out (or I'll try not to) because honestly, I'll probably just almost throw up when I watch the movie because of my nasty habit of picturing teachers as all the characters. I do not want to have that experience again. (I was seeing a teacher kissing Kristen Stewart, talk about brain corruption).
So, if anybody has ideas on what I could do in a theater, just tell me. So far, I have things like: make commentary like a grandmother, chew really loud and slup drinks, shoot spitballs at everybody (definitely doing that, I'm the master at spitballing), make farting noises, throw popcorn, make obnoxious noises, and tell a couple to get a room. I need a whole lot more, so I need ideas.
Well, now here comes the story. And this chapter is of course, titled "Operation Dingbat" It's in Bella's POV
Chapter 9: Operation Dingbat
Operation Dingbat is a go. VP Ding picked me up a few seconds ago, and we were in his beat up Honda, driving along. Not the best way to go to a romantic (shudder) dinner. I had to act like I was enjoying myself, that was what Alice told me. I had a secret microphone in my ear, where Alice would be giving me commands. I would be the one who would be scaring the Dingbat off. Alice just thought of all the pranks.
Rosalie and Isabelle were in it. Isabelle would be searching through Dingbat's memories for embarrassing moments which I could say out loud to the would. Rosalie would be making out with Emmett obnoxiously in the booth next to us, just to annoy Dingbat. Only Jasper was holding Edward back because Dingbat would probably try to make some moves on me.
"So, Bella, hi" Dingbat said, trying to make small talk with me in the bumpy car. I grunted and stared out the window. "Um, you look nice tonight…" nice try at flattery sicko. He was eyeing a part of my body that I did not want to be eyed. I folded my arms over me chest and turned away from him. He was driving at a annoying slow pace. Twenty mph! A snail could go faster than that!
We pulled up into the restaurant and went in. There, a waiter in tuxedo greeted us
"Ding" Dingbat said "A more private area please" The waiter nodded and gestured for us to follow him. I'd say that this was the fanciest restaurant I've ever been to. Everywhere there was gold, candles, and fancy people dining on things like cheese liver, but saying it like "Liver du Fromage" to make it sound better. Sick. I didn't even eat these things when I was human.
"Alright, Bella, it's time to scare him away. Start with operation A" Alice said to me. Yes, she named each thing I would do to scare of Dingbat. Operation A was the first thing I would do. She had me memorize operations A-Z as well as an operation ABC.
"Um, sir" I said, tapping the waiter on the shoulder. He turned and nodded "May I have crayons and a coloring sheet, I'm going to be bored"
"I'm sorry, we don't have those here. We have edible crayons, but those are reserved for our 'crayon du fromage' meal" The waiter said
"But I want my coloring sheet!" I said, stomping my feet. Dingbat chuckled nervously and steered me to our table
"She forgot to take her meds today" He told the waiter sheepishly
"I'm not on meds!" I screamed, and the people dining turned to look at me. Dingbat put a hand over my mouth and chucked again. The waiter glanced at us for a moment, before pulling out chairs out for us and handing us each a menu.
"Good job, Bella" Alice said to me "Now operation B begins!" I heard Isabelle and Rosalie chuckle in the background
"And mention the time he kissed a guy on accident" Isabelle said to me. I sighed and began operation B
I sniffed, well, I pretended to sniff. Dingbat looked at me, and then back at his menu
"Aren't you going to look at your menu?" He asked
"No" I said "I know what I want. But you know, you seem to know this place well, is this where you kissed that boy?" I asked
"I, uh…" He said "I didn't…"
"Oh my gosh, you kissed a guy!" I screeched. Heads turned again, and looked at Dingbat, who was downright embarrassed. I sniffed again "My nose a bit stuffed up" I grabbed his arm and blew my nose into it. Quickly squeezing some clear gel onto his sleeve. He looked at his sleeve, and carefully wiped what he thought was my snot off.
"Are you ready to order?" The waiter asked, coming back.
"Operation C" Alice commanded. The girls were giggling again. Just then, we heard the smooching. Rosalie and Emmett were going their part. They were two feet away from us, making out like there was no tomorrow. Dingbat looked at bit uncomfortable. I swore I saw a bead of sweat on his head.
"I'll have the spaghetti bolognaise" Dingbats said "I'd like some bisque for soup, wine to drink, and chocolate mousse for desert" The waiter nodded and wrote his order down. Then he turned to me
"I'd like a bucket of lard and a big fat double cheeseburger cut into small pieces so I don't choke" I said to him "I also want to drink juicy juice and for desert I want Crisco with chocolate syrup" the waiter looked a bit shocked and Dingbat was definitely embarrassed. This was so much fun
"Um, I'm afraid we don't have cheeseburgers or juicy juice. However, I might offer you a chicken breast or wine" He said
"Actually then, I want some slightly gritty fondant icing. And some carrots to go with that. I want to you sculpt the fondant into a bunny and place a carrot in it's mouth. I want my bucket or lard in a metal bucket and I want my Crisco with chocolate in a big glass cup. I want you to get somebody out here to taste my food to make sure you didn't poison it, and I want a pile of chicken bones to feed to my invalid mother" I told him
"Um, she'll just have the pasta" Dingbat said to me. The waiter nodded and began to walk away
"Wait, I need my bucket of lard!" I called. Heads turned towards us and I grinned. This was way too much fun
"Operation D" Alice said to me. I smiled. This one would make him squirm
"So did you hear about my past boyfriends?" I asked him. He shook his head. "Well, my first boyfriend was Steve. He was twelve years younger than me. I think I corrupted that two year old. But he wasn't so good in bed, so I dumped him"
Dingbat was looking at me with his mouth open
"So then I moved on to Leo, and seriously, Leo means Leo, that guy was like a lion, so I dumped him. I then dated my manager for the first job I held. I was the shoe polisher. Well, it ended after my dog bit him. So I moved on to my co-worker from Taco Bell. I loved that job because I got to eat tacos. Well, I quit because my job was to wear a taco suit and stand outside advertising, and the taco suit was too hot. Then I dated—"
"Alright" Dingbat said "You dated a lot of people"
The waiter came with our food then. He placed Dingbat's bisque in front of him, and his spaghetti
"One bisque and one spaghetti bolognaise" He said, then he placed my pasta in front of me "One pasta and one bucket of lard" he took out a bucket filled with lard and put it in front of me. It wasn't a small bucket either. The lard inside was making my nose wrinkle, but I thanked the waiter anyway
"Operation E" Alice said. I nodded, knowing that she could probably see me. Alice had to take part in this. I saw a almost microscopic black string hanging in front of me. I looked up and saw Alice hanging from the ceiling. I grabbed the string and attached a needle to it. I threaded it though my pasta while Dingbat was eating. Soon, I had a pasta necklace. I tied it onto me and winked at Alice
"Don't you just love this necklace?" I asked Dingbat, who looked up
"Uh" I said
"You like it, don't you?" I asked again, making my voice sound kind of said
"Oh course I do" He said nervously
"LIAR!" I yelled
"No, I'm not!" He said. I huffed and pretended to take a bit of lard.
"Operation F" Alice said over the microphone. Here comes another one, I thought. I pretended to be chewing on something
"So, I mean, how are you?" I asked Dingbat "You know, sometimes when I'm at home, I drink peanut oil, funny isn't it? It gives me these ridiculous boils on my back, and I have to pop them to prevent anybody from seeing them. I mean, they are like volcanoes! When they go pop it's like some massive eruption!"
"That's…nice" Dingbat said. He pushed his plate away. I got him to lose his appetite. Awesome
"Your desert" The waiter said, coming over. He placed chocolate mousse in front of Dingbat and Crisco with chocolate in front of me. Dingbat grimaced when he saw it. I don't blame him. Crisco is one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen in my life.
"Oh my god, this Crisco reminds me of my yodeling pickle!" I exclaimed. Soon, the whole restaurant was looking at me
"Alright, Bella, I need to you talk without verbs, and talk in third person" Alice said to me "Don't ask, just do it"
"Did I tell you about that time?" I asked Dingbat
"Er, what time, I'm sure you've had a lot of times" He replied. Looking at my Crisco with a disgusted expression
"Well, I was, when I, and he, I mean maple syrup just needs to be thicker, that guy who, that fish was massive, you have no idea. I was all night long, and seriously, it is one of those you had to be there moments." I looked at him, and he even looked a bit scared
"Bella wants to go potty" I said "Bella went potty yesterday, oh my gosh, you have no idea what happened, Bella was like an ice cream machine"
"That's…cool" Dingbat said "Excuse me" he pushed his chair away and walked off. I saw him handing the waiter a bill and going into the bathroom.
"It worked, you scared him off, I'm so proud of you!" Alice practically yelled into my ear. I was rejoicing inside my head. "Now get your butt of that restaurant, and watch what he does at school"
Tonight was the most fun I have had in years
Chapter 9 is done, and it was definitely my favorite chapter. I had so much fun writing this, you have no idea. Please review and give me some ideas on what the Cullen's should do to Tiffany on her date with Emmett. I will see you next chapter! Whee!
