I feel my heart pounding in my chest waiting for his reply it's only been seconds but every single one feels like an hour. Waiting for his repods I think about what I want him to say; do I want him to say he wants to be here from me and our baby? Do I want him to suggest we try working things out in order to be a family? Or do I want him to say he doesn't want any involvement with our child it sounds crazy to even consider wanting that but it would make things less complicated, sure i'd be a single mother but that's less complicated than co parenting with Eli or being with him. Somehow I don't feel as if he'll do that even if I told him too, he's probably not willing to lose a third child if preventable it seems as though he's been through everything except actually getting to know his child. At this point I just want his to say something anything the silence is worse than anything he could say to me but he doesn't seem like he can find words. I can tell just by looking at him his mind is racing finally I see him look like he's about to speak up.
"This is great" He smiles ear to ear. Okay wasn't expecting that.
"It is?" I question dumbfounded by his excitement. This is hardly the perfect timing for us to have a baby financially we may be in a better place then when I got pregnant back in high school but relationship wise I can't say we're in a much better position.
"Yes! Of course it is Clare, I can't think of anyone else i'd rather do this with."
"But we aren't together and then what's going on with Allie and my divorce this is a terrible time for this to happen" I sit on the couch dropping my head in my hands a light headed feeling washing over me.
"Are you okay" Eli asks kneeling in front of me.
"Yes, this is just a lot to take in. I feel drained.
"Listen Clare, none of that stuff matters at this point we have to deal with this situation for what it is, there is no point in focusing on the negative. We can do this together or not i'm gonna be here for both of you. Everything will be okay. I promise." I feel Eli wrap his arms around me that mixed with his words gives me a sense of security making this situation a bit less glum.
"So what are we going to do?" I ask looking up at him.
"Get married" He says flatly.
"You're kidding?" you never know with him he could be joking or he could be completely serious.
" yes," he laughs. "Unless that's what you want i'm perfectly willing to do that." He says seriously.
"You really know how to make a girl feel special."
"Clare it's not like that, you're the only person I want to marry that will never change. No one will ever live up to you not the girl I was seeing that I told you about or anyone else; it's always been you, this baby is going to be the best part of my life right beside you and I want nothing more than to spend everyday of my life with you and him or her being a family not a broken one that would be perfect but I can't make you want that and I know that's my fault."
I feel tears start falling from my eyes knowing I feel the same way, his words warm my heart in a way I forgot I could feel this man is the only one for me and he has been since that day he ran over my glasses we've been through so much and this is yet another thing; a good thing he's right about that. It has me wondering if I can try to forgive him if not for us for our baby? Doesn't he or she deserve that? We do love each other they say you always forgive someone you love, I believe that's true I have forgiven Eli i'm just not over what happened I might never be but i've never given him a chance to try and help me accept it and give us a chance to make things work its what we both want and something keeps pulling us back together maybe it's destiny or maybe it's just life's sick way of tormenting us but the only way to find out is to try. I'm not in the right state right now to act on that right now though this isn't just us anymore; it's our baby.
Our baby the one I've wanted for years the one I thought i'd never be able to have the baby I miraculously conceived with my high school sweetheart during a one night stand. It's our chance to have what was ripped from us all those years go maybe that's why part of me is happy that this is Eli's baby that I didn't have success getting pregnant with Kaleb no matter how hard we tried. Now that i've let it sink in I want this baby; Eli's baby more then anything of course Adam can't be replaced but this is the closed genetic link to him that i'll ever get.
"Thank you Eli, I feel a lot better now."
"So where do we go from here?"
"Wherever this journey takes us"
We lounge on the couch for a while in the quiet letting everything sink in some more, Me laying down my head resting on his stomach my legs over the arm, him sitting up with his hand resting under his chin i'm not sure how long we've been like this all I know is I don't want him to leave, I want the secure feeling of him being here to last forever. Maybe it will?
