Chapter Nine – Paths Before Me
As fast as we could, we loaded into Mack's trailer and he drove off with us. The media arrived soon after we left, and Thunder Hollow was still abuzz with excitement. The silence in Mack's trailer was thick enough to be cut with a knife. Luigi, Guido, and Leland hid at the front of the trailer, no doubt waiting for the explosion building up from my and Lightning's anger. We glared at Cruz, who parked facing us at the back of the trailer. Somehow, she managed to grab the derby trophy, which was engraved with her and my aliases, before we left Thunder Hollow.
Cruz cleared her throat. She seemed to be trying yet failing to hide her giddy smile despite the glares cast her way. "I just…..I mean, I can't believe I won. I didn't think I would. Thank you, by the way, Chief Hudson, for the backup. Really nice of them to give a trophy, too. I've never gotten a racing trophy before. Are they always this shiny or—"
"Stop." Lightning growled. "Just stop it. You don't get it, do you? I went to Fireball Beach and Thunder Hollow to get faster than Storm; but, instead, I had to waste my time teaching my trainer! But you wouldn't understand that because you're not a racer!"
Cruz opened and closed her mouth a few times, at a loss for words. "But…..but I'm just trying to help….."
"One would think that you would realize how not helpful you have been." I snapped. "Ever since we started at the training facility, everything has gone downhill. The only successful training session we've had was the mud race I initiated! You can try as much as you want, but you're not a racer. You're only a trainer."
"But you came to me to help." Cruz protested weakly.
"No, we came because we had no choice!" Lightning shouted. "Don't you get it? This is my last shot! Mine and Harley's! Our last chance before we're forced to get out of racing, and you're putting all of that in jeopardy because you don't know anything about racing!" He angrily smacked the trophy with one tire, and the trophy hit the wall before breaking in half.
Cruz stared at the trophy with shock and hurt on her face. Then, she glared. "Mack! Pull over!"
"What?" Mack asked over the intercom, surprised.
"PULL! OVER!" Cruz screamed before hitting the button for the ramp. Mack managed to safely pull onto a wide section of the road's shoulder, and Cruz back out of the trailer. Lightning and I moved to the edge of the trailer, staring at her in surprise.
"What? You going to run away? Is that what a good trainer does?" I demanded.
Cruz glared at me and Lightning. "Ask me."
"What?" Lightning and I asked simultaneously.
"Ask me if I would run laps before school every day. Sometimes even in the dark." Cruz said. "Ask me if I saved every bit of allowance I had for race tickets. Ask me if I studied racing techniques instead of doing homework." By then, her tone had shifted from anger to sadness. "Ask me if I did all of that just so I could grow up to be a trainer."
"Did—" I elbowed Lightning before he could ask.
"Okay, so you did the research and all the work, it sounds like." I pointed out. "But I'll bet you never set tire on a real racetrack. Why?" I was genuinely curious. Nobody puts that much work into being a racer and then just gives up.
Cruz looked down. "I got to my first race. I realized that all the other racers were so much bigger, stronger, more confident than me. When they started their engines, I just knew. I knew I didn't belong there. I left that track and never looked back."
Lightning and I stared at Cruz, surprised. "But that was your dream. How could you let it go?" I asked.
"Because I felt like I didn't belong there." Cruz sighed. She looked to Lightning. "You did great things as a rookie. I once watched you race and saw you weave through a multi-car wreck like it was nothing. You even flew through the air with such confidence and joy. Tell me: how did you know you could do it? How did you know you could be a racer?"
I looked to Lightning, wondering how he would respond. Lightning seemed unsure how to answer, at first. "I don't know. I guess I never believed I couldn't."
Cruz looked down sadly. "I wish I knew what that felt like." She turned to drive off.
"Wait, Cruz!" I hopped out of the trailer and skated in her path.
"What?" Cruz asked. "Going to give me a pep talk about how I shouldn't give up? How I never should've given up in the first place?"
"Well, you shouldn't have!" I stumbled over my words. "If that was your dream and you were so passionate about it, why should anything stop you?"
"Easy for you to say." Cruz said. "You, whose dad was a legend. You, who are powerful and successful by your own right. Being Doc Hudson's daughter isn't your only claim to fame. You made a name for yourself that is more than Doc's legacy. And no one ever calls you his 'surrogate' or 'adopted' daughter. It's just 'Doc Hudson's daughter.' You're amazing."
"I'm not that amazing." I said, a bit embarrassed.
Cruz scoffed a little. "Did you ever think you couldn't be a crew chief? Have you ever believed you couldn't do something?"
"Of course I have." I said.
"Like what?" Cruz demanded. "When have you believed you couldn't do something?"
I wanted to say right now. I was trying to juggle two jobs—crew chief and spy—and I don't think I'm doing that well. But I couldn't say that. I couldn't reveal being a spy. Plus, for some reason, part of me didn't want to admit weakness. So I just looked down, defeated.
"That's what I thought." Cruz sighed again. "I envy you. I wish I could be like you and Mr. McQueen." She turned and drove off in the direction of the training center.
Nobody spoke or moved for a moment. I ran my fingers through my hair. "We should go rest somewhere." I finally decided, rejoining everyone in the trailer.
"Just point me in the direction of the nearest hotel or rest stop, kiddo." Mack said over the radio. "Not really familiar with this area."
"No, no hotels or rest stops." I said, shutting the trailer door. "Not with the press hunting for us. Just find a secluded spot to rest for the night."
Mack soon found a remote overpass and parked in the shadows underneath it. Lightning requested to be alone. I only asked that he not turn on the TV, though I was certain he would want to hear what everyone was saying about him. I stepped outside and sat on the ground by the overpass's support column. I stared off into the darkness.
What were we going to do now? Fireball Beach was a bust. No way would we go back and be close to Cruz or Sterling. Thunder Hollow wasn't what we expected. We were no closer to being ready to face Jackson Storm again.
I heard footsteps and saw Leland walk up to me. He looked very determined, as though he had to give himself a pep talk to come talk to me. I stood up as he approached. "What is it?"
"I just need to talk to you about what you said to Cruz." Leland said. "Not just now, but how you've treated her since the first day."
"Are you seriously lecturing me right now?" I demanded.
"Yes, because I've never seen you like this before!" Leland snapped. "You've become harsh of tongue, cruel in nature, and…..and…..well, you're a total jerk! Is that the right American phrase? Yes, it is!"
"Leland, I'm not having this conversation with you." I growled as I turned away from him.
"Harley, this isn't like you." Leland said. "I'm going to be straightforward here: this is not a side of you that I like. This is not the Harley I wanted to start a relationship with."
"Oh, if that's the case, then you better get rid of any ideas you had about being my boyfriend!" I scoffed.
"I'm just saying that this isn't you. I know you." Leland said with some desperation in his tone.
"You don't know me! I barely know myself!" I shouted. I sighed heavily. "For Chrysler's sake, I don't know who I am, so how can you know? Get rid of whatever you think you know about me. That me who you wanted to be with? Forget about her. I don't know where she is or if she'll ever come back. I've been trying for weeks to balance every part of myself. I can't choose just one. I have to be in Radiator Springs to be there for my family. I have to be Lightning's crew chief because he's counting on me, and Dad trusted the job to me. I have to be Finn's Partner because we Soul Connecter; and I love being a spy. But trying to be all three at once? I feel like a teaspoon of butter being spread across an entire loaf of bread. Don't say you know me, Leland. I don't know how to be me. I'm trying. I'm really trying. But I…"
Leland put a hand on my shoulder. "Harley, we change. That's how life goes. But that doesn't mean who we used to be isn't part of who we become. It's okay to choose to nurture one side of your life and let the others fall on the backburner. That won't make them any less important."
"What about you?" I asked. "You're still going to be a spy."
"Yes, even when Seishin recommended against that." Leland said. "That's because being a spy is all that I am. I don't know how to be anything else. All my skills are hard to adapt to other jobs. Not to say I'm not trying to find another profession. But I, too, went through what you're going through now. If you decide to follow only one of the three paths before you, nobody will judge nor hate you."
I sighed heavily. "Thanks, Leland. I'm sorry for snapping at you."
Leland hugged me. "Take the time you need to figure yourself out. I'll wait for you." He returned to the trailer.
Only two minutes later, my phone rang, and I answered it. "Hudson speaking."
"Hey there, Partner." Finn's voice spoke on the other end of the line, causing me to smile. "Hope it's not too late where you are."
I wasn't even sure what time it was. "No, not at all. What's up?"
"One of the professors at the C.H.R.O.M.E. Academy would like you to come in and speak to a class." Finn explained. "It's all about how psych-man powers aid spy work. What do you say? Maybe next week, before McQueen's race?"
It took some conscious restraint to stop myself from saying "yes" right away. Force of habit, caused by me trying to balance my life. Yet when I thought about it, I really wanted to do it. I loved talking to the spy students and discussing different topics with the professors. I've been a guest speaker before, and enjoyed it. Surely I could make it this time. But what if I was delayed getting back to the race? And how could I leave Lightning right now? Then again, we're not getting anywhere right now.
"Harley?"
Crud, I hesitated too long. "I want to, Finn, I do—"
"Say no more, Harley." Finn assured. "You're clearly under a lot of pressure just like McQueen. How is the training going?"
Venting actually helped, so I explained everything that happened in the last couple weeks. Everything from the new Rust-eze training facility to where Lightning and I were now. I even brought up the same concerns I voiced to Leland.
"Stay with McQueen." Finn practically ordered. "He needs you more than I do. We can talk again after the big race."
"But what am I going to do after that?" I asked. "How do I schedule out my life so I can balance everything that makes me who I am?"
"Harley, scheduling out the parts of who you are won't make you happy." Finn said. "In fact, that sounds rather depressing. Leland is right: choosing one path to your future won't make your past insignificant. You'll never know how your future will turn out. It can be hard to choose a path when so many appeal to you. But if you ever become unhappy with the choice you made, you can make another change."
I stared off into the darkness. "I don't know what I'm doing, Finn. I feel like I want to choose how to live my life—I don't want someone else to decide for me—but I can't seem to decide for myself."
Finn hummed in thought. "This is not an easy topic to give advice on, Harley. So I'll say this: take a leap of faith, no matter how hard that may be. You will still be loved by those you love, and you will have a tremendous amount of support in your decision."
"Thanks, Finn." I said. "That helps."
"You're very welcome." Finn said. "Why don't you give Miss Riley a call? She's able to be both a firefighter and a racer. Perhaps she can help."
"I think I'll do that. Thanks."
"Keep in touch. Best of luck, Partner."
Finn and I hung up, and I immediately called Sky on video chat. She picked up after a few rings, and the image on my phone showed Sky in her pajamas and lounging in an easy chair. It looked like she was in the main hanger at Piston Peak.
"Hey Sky. What's up?"
"Not much. I've succumbed to my cravings, so I'm eating a peanut butter and marshmallow creme sandwich." Sky showed her sandwich to me.
"If your dad or husband find out, you'll get quite an earful." I reminded her.
Sky shrugged and took a big bite of her sandwich. She sucked marshmallow off her thumb. "I'm sure you didn't call to lecture me about my eating habits. What's up?"
As I outlined everything that happened, similarly to how I did with Finn, I noticed Sky's expression go from relaxed to concentrated. She did this anytime there was a problem at hand: her eyebrows would furrow, her lips would purse, and she'd get this focused stare as though she were analyzing something.
"That's a tough question, Harley. Finn's right: we all go through changes." Sky said. "I wasn't sure what I wanted to be when I grew up. Then I met Dusty and found out how much I love racing. Then we had the incident at the Fill N' Fly that led to us becoming firefighters. I'm able to balance both parts of my life, so I'm not sure if I'm much help."
"But you moved, didn't you?" I reminded her. "You live at Piston Peak year-round. Didn't that make your family in Propwash Junction sad? Don't they miss you?"
"Sure, and I miss them from time to time." Sky said. "But they're always there. We keep in touch and I go back to visit whenever I can. That's part of life. Piston Peak is where I feel I most belong right now. I love the mountains and being in the forest. I like being a firefighter, and Dusty can easily come find me for races. This is who we have become. Just because I live far away from my family doesn't mean they aren't there for me. Doesn't mean we love each other any less. Part of me is still in Propwash Junction, and I love revisiting that part of myself when I go back."
I sighed. "I've never been away from home longer than a few months. But I want to. I want to try something else and explore new things. But that doesn't make Radiator Springs not my home. Does that make sense?"
"Of course it does." Sky said. "Harley, where are you right now? I'm coming down there to help you with this racing thing."
"Sky—"
"You're clearly struggling, and I think you should stick with McQueen at least until his next race. You know, the one that basically decides his future. After that, you'll have a clear head to choose your path. Until then, I want to come and help."
"Sky, you're not leaving that peak without Blade's or Nick's permission."
"Since when did I need a man's permission to do whatever the hell I want?"
"Since you became pregnant and was put on bed rest by the doctor."
Sky glanced down to her baby bump. "I hate bed rest."
"I always appreciate your help and kindness." I assured her. "But you have a baby to think about. I bet everyone's going crazy with excitement."
"Yeah. Nick is running around like a madman making sure everything is baby-proofed around here." Sky laughed. "Dad wants me to stay at Propwash Junction when the baby is born, but I want her to be out here."
"How do you know it'll be a girl?" I asked.
"I just know." Sky shrugged. "I think the fresh mountain air will be good for her. I don't want her sense of smell to be destroyed by the Vitamin-a-mulch."
I giggled. "Look, stay where you are. Bed rest means bed rest. I'll figure this out."
Sky sighed, staring at me like I was a Rubik's cube she was trying to solve. "Okay. Do what you need to do."
Sky hung up, and I stuffed my phone in my pocket. Once more, I looked out into the darkness. It was pretty late. Very few cars passed us.
Three paths lay before me: Radiator Springs, C.H.R.O.M.E., and Lightning. I feel like I belong in all three, yet past experience has proven that I can't balance all three in a healthy way. So maybe I had to think of each place individually.
Radiator Springs: my home. Where I've lived since the day I was born. I know every building in town, ever part of the desert. Not much changes there. Very stable and stagnant.
Crew chief for Lightning McQueen: quite a bit of work experience. Continuing my father's legacy. Lightning trusts only me for this job. I have to be there for him. I get to travel the country and even to other countries.
C.H.R.O.M.E.: being a spy with my Soul Connect Partner. The way Finn and I meld when we work on missions. The adrenaline rush from escaping the bad guys. All the gadgets and skills combining to make a lethal weapon that is me. Seeing so many exciting places.
I realized that the more I thought about being a spy, the bigger my smile grew. I missed going on missions. I wanted to be on one right now. Maybe I could call Finn and see if I can still talk to that class. Then we can go on an adventure and be spies together and—
What would my family say?
How could I just go off and be a spy and leave them behind? Would they really be happy for me?
"Dad?" I spoke into the blackness that surrounded me. "Dad? I could really use some advice." I waited patiently, looking around for a familiar ghost who once promised to be there for me, even in death. To be honest, I started to panic a little when Doc didn't arrive. "Hello? Dad! Where are you? I can't do this on my own. I want to do this myself, but I don't know how; and I can't just keep going through the motions and waste my life in this indecision!"
"Harley?"
I jumped and spun around. I forgot how close I sat to Mack. He woke up, which means I was shouting. "I'm fine."
"It sounded like you were shouting for your dad, kiddo." Mack's eyes, shining in the starlight, practically glowed with worry.
I kicked at the pebbles under my skates. "It's nothing. Just going through some stuff."
"You know what I always say about that?" Mack said with a smile. "Going through tough stuff is like climbing a really big hill. You'll slip and trip and sweat, but you'll reach the top someday."
"Yeah, you're right." I agreed.
"And then you slide down the other side on a sled and you get all excited and you shout 'Wheeeeee!'" Mack added, causing me to laugh.
"Thanks, Mack." I shook my head with a grin. "You always know how to cheer me up."
