"What?"
"Don't ruin this." She said and looked at him with begging eyes.
"Ruin what Serena? What is this?" He was so frustrated.
"It's…" She started
"It's us being friends…" Her lips were trembling.
"You said you needed time alone, focus on yourself. I was willing to give you all the time you needed, because I wanted to hold on to any hope of us getting back together. Back to what we once were." He took a breath.
"But then you don't take that time, you and I have spent more time together the past weeks than we did the whole time were together. What's up with that?"
He didn't give her time to answer.
"What should I believe? It felt like we were going somewhere. It felt like you may feel something for me. Like I feel so much for you…" He stopped, didn't want to say too much. But he had gone so long saying not enough.
"I do feel something for you. Of course I do…But…" She was crying now.
He looked at her intensely.
"But what, Serena! There's always a but with you, always something you can't explain or won't explain"
He was standing in front of her throwing his arms up in the air.
"I just wanted to be your friend. I wanted us to be like we were when we were younger. Before we grew up and everything got messy. Before everything got so serious. Before you loved me and I broke your heart…"
She had been holding that last thing in for so long. A part of her wished he had never loved her. She looked up at him; he looked even more hurt now.
"Nate…"
"You forget something, Serena. Something very important. I loved you then too. I loved you before. I loved you before we grew up and things got serious. I loved you before I even knew what love was. "
He sighed.
"And you broke my heart long before you kissed Dan last spring. You broke it when you left and I didn't see you for a whole year. You broke it again when you came back…" I didn't come back for you.
"But it doesn't matter. Because I would let you break it over and over if it meant you would let me love you and you would love me back. That if it in the end would be whole again…"
"And you Serena are the only one who can break my heart, but also the only one who can fix it…"
Her tears wouldn't stop coming. She loved him so much, but all the things he was saying were just too much. She felt like she couldn't breathe. How had it come to this? How could she let things come to this point? It was all her fault, like it usually was. And that was the reason she couldn't be with him, he was too much. They were too important. Being with him had felt like forever and she didn't know what to do with that feeling. Because eventually she would do something that would make him turn his back on her forever and at some point she would ruin them forever. She wouldn't be able to live with that version of forever. The answer was to just be his friend. To be in his life and have him in hers. But they couldn't be breakable, because then she would break them.
"I shouldn't have let you love me. It was selfish, I wanted you so bad and I should never have let myself have you. From the beginning you weren't mine to take, but stupid, selfish me couldn't let you be."
"Don't come with that bullshit now! I was never Blair's; she never had my heart, that part of me. It has always been yours, and I know that you deep down know that too. You have always known what I've felt for you. Even when I didn't say it."
"Nate…Please…Please don't do this." She pleaded.
Her eyes were red from all the crying and even though he was mad of her now he wanted to take her in his arms and comfort her. He wanted to be able to tell her that everything was going to be okay, but at this point he couldn't. Because he wasn't sure everything would turn out okay. He felt like he was punching an unbreakable wall, like he was running in a circle that never ended. He felt like it no longer mattered what he said, didn't know how he could get her to listen to him.
"I can't just be your friend, Serena. It's just too damn hard. I've tried it before and it tore me up from the inside out." He sighed
"I just can't…"
"But I can't lose you… Please…"
She stood up from where she had been sitting the whole time. She felt her knees shake and sat back down to stay in control of her body. She had to control something.
"When I kissed you tonight you kissed me back! You wanted it just as much as I did. Why can't you admit that! And admit that you actually want to be with me…"
He was almost yelling at her, he had never been this frustrated.
"Yes"
"Yes, I wanted to kiss you. I always want to kiss you. I always want you. But I have never deserved to have you" She took a deep breath.
"That's the problem, Nate."
"But it's not really a problem. Because I'm standing here and telling you that I want to be with you… I don't understand how you can say that you don't deserve me…I just don't understand any of this."
She saw his frustration. His hurt and disappointment. She wanted to tell him everything he wanted to hear right now. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.
"Can't you just let us be. Let us take things as they come."
Nate was begging her to give it a chance.
"I…"
She wasn't able to get a word out, just small sobs.
Her silence made him even madder.
"You always run and I always chase you. "
"I'm done."
She didn't say anything just watched him walk out. Her tears streaming down.
When he closed the door she took her pillows and threw them hard to the floor
"I love you!" She yelled. "I love you so damn much!"
Even though she knew he would be long gone now and that she was too late.
