Strength and Courage

Chapter 9

AN: Here is the ninth chapter. I previously said that I'd be updating on Wednesdays and Sundays, but I'm changing that to just twice a week. If I anticipate that an update is going to take more than a week, I'll try to let you guys know. Obviously, the more reviews I get, the more I will be inspired to write. Please continue leaving opinions and requests. I have read them all and I'll try to incorporate them into the story at some point.

Disclaimer: I do not own CM characters. They belong to ABC, CBS, etc., but not me. If I did own them, neither actress playing these women would have been fired and Jemily would be an actual canon thing.

I also want to add that I fortunately do not suffer from PTSD. I don't know exactly how it works, but I want to do my best to treat JJ's situation with care. So, please correct any mistakes I make, particularly involving this subject. Trigger warning for conversations about rape and violence.

Gabby

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Lao Tzu

Emily and JJ entered their house in silence after the driving fiasco. In fact, once Emily had managed to get her in Morgan's car, JJ went quiet. Morgan offered to drive JJ's car to their house, and Emily thanked him wholeheartedly.

"JJ-"

"Emily-"

The two spoke at the same time, simultaneously interrupting each other. Neither spoke for a minute or so. Emily broke the silence. "Jennifer, you could have been seriously hurt."

"I know, Emily, I just-"

"You just what?" Emily's relief had faded and she had settled firmly into anger. "What was so important that you would risk your life for it? You couldn't find another way to manage your stress? God, Jennifer, I was so scared. I thought I lost you once and it was the worst pain I've ever felt." JJ stood there speechless as Emily ranted. "Why would you do it to me on purpose?"

JJ looked down in shame. "I didn't mean to…" The words were barely audible. The simple strain of speaking at all caused a vibration of pain to spread through her broken ribs.

"Well, Jen, the way you've been acting the past week—it sure seems like you have a death wish."

Emily and JJ very rarely fought. They had petty arguments, of course, but actual yelling was almost unheard of in the Prentiss house. Emily had sworn to take care of JJ in the wake of her abduction, but she couldn't control the outburst. Her stress level had understandably been through the roof over the past week, and she was finally breaking.

"You know what? Why don't you just go take a nap? I'm gonna go for a drive because it's actually safe for me to do so. So don't be afraid I'm gonna have a flashback and get in a fatal accident or anything."

Emily walked to the front door and opened it with force. She turned to see her wife standing silently, tears rushing down her face. She ignored the surge in her heart and left the house, leaving JJ with her thoughts.


"The nightmare was about me? What do you mean?" Emily guided JJ to their couch.

"I don't even remember." JJ tried to play off the dream, regretting admitting it to her wife in the first place.

"Please don't lie to me. I just want to help you." JJ didn't speak, so Emily tried asking another question. "Did you dream about me dying again?" JJ just shook her head.

"Jennifer, you don't have to tell me, but if you don't, I have no way of helping you."

"Emily, I don't want to tell you…."

"Well, then don't." Emily desperately wanted to help JJ, but she knew the only way the blonde would heal efficiently was if she shared things she was feeling at her own pace, without any pressure.

"I have to tell you though. It wouldn't be fair of me not to since it was about you." As much as JJ didn't want to share her most recent nightmare with Emily, she knew she had to or she would never move past it, never trust her wife again.

Emily nodded. "You really don't have to though. I told you I would never force you to do anything you weren't ready to do." This time, Emily noticed JJ's flinch.

"Wait. You flinched when I said that last time." Emily was rolling through the morning in her head. The nightmare had obviously disturbed JJ enough for her to wake up, get up (without telling Emily, which she had never done before), and go for a drive. She had only recently begun regularly driving again, and she never liked it before, so JJ would never be driving at five in the morning unless she really felt like she had to.

Emily's patience only added to JJ's shame. There was no logical reason why she should fear the things she feared. The fact that she had the nightmare in the first place was enough to shake her. She knew she felt some insecurities regarding Emily, she always had, and after her torture, they were more extreme. But she never thought there was a part of her that feared for her physical safety in Emily's hands. In fact, in her waking hours, JJ had witnessed nothing but gentleness from the brunette, especially over the past few months.

JJ decided not to speak and to let Emily figure it out on her own. She was putting the pieces together already and JJ knew she would have the puzzle finished within a few seconds.

"I…." Emily was dumbfounded. She had no words. She made several attempts to speak.

"JJ…"

"Jennifer…"

"Baby, I…"

"You…"

"Jen, I don't…."

She eventually gave up trying and the two sat in an egregiously awkward silence.

The time went by slower than the time JJ had to wait for more than fifteen minutes for Emily to rescue her—the last time a car ride had ended in disaster.

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...

It was actually only three minutes of quiet, but it felt like years to both women. Neither knew what to say. Emily knew she had to be the one to start, or the torture of uncertainty would never end. "You…you dreamed that I…?"

Emily couldn't finish the sentence. JJ just nodded sadly.


JJ didn't know how long she had been home alone. It could have been days; she hadn't looked at a clock or a watch. In fact, she hadn't taken her eyes off of the front door, the one her wife had angrily exited from an unknown time ago.

This was it. JJ was too much to handle and Emily wasn't coming back. She'd come back tonight and sneakily pack some essential things while JJ slept. Emily would know when her once love would be asleep, and she would get in and out without the blonde noticing. JJ would never hear from her again.

There was no point in moving. No reason to. There was no reason to do anything except stand there waiting. Waiting for what? Emily? Not possible, the profiler wasn't returning. So the conclusion JJ came to was that she was in fact waiting for nothing. But what did nothing look like? Because JJ was definitely feeling something: grief, loss, heartbreak—none of those words seemed to describe the emotion.

But maybe nothing was really something? Or was something nothing?

The key of the door turned and JJ didn't even notice. She noticed nothing.

In fact, the next thing she registered was being wrapped in someone's arms. Someone's loving arms. Emily's arms. She was in her bed and she felt peaceful, but confused. "Emily?"

Emily lifted her chin from JJ's head. "Hey." There was not even a trace of animosity in her voice, causing the already confused profiler's head to spin.

"Are you real?"

Emily laughed. It was a beautiful laugh, one that JJ would never tire of hearing. "Of course I'm real. You fainted and I carried you upstairs. I'm so sorry, Jen. I had to leave because I need to be here for you." Emily shook her head. "That doesn't make sense. What I meant to say was in order to be able to care for you, I just needed to clear my head. I'm sorry I scared you."

JJ moved herself closer to her wife. "I'm sorry I scared you too. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you went through when you realized I was missing, and I need to be more careful with your heart."

"So do I," Emily confessed. "I should have made sure you knew I was coming back, Jen. I shouldn't have assumed you knew what I was doing. We both need to figure out what our future is going to look like, but there's no doubt in my mind that we have one, sweetheart. When I married you, I married everything about you: then, now, and the future."

JJ pulled herself out of her wife's arms and sat up. "You asked what was so stressful that I needed to drive?" Emily nodded. "I should have called you instead. I shouldn't have gotten in the car, but I needed to think. I needed to figure it out. I don't know what to do. I don't know how-"

Emily interrupted her. "Jen. Baby, you're rambling. Slow down."

"Right. Um…my mom called."

"Well, I'm actually surprised she waited this long to check in on you."

JJ had a feeling she was going to feel the wrath of Prentiss for the statement about to come out of her mouth. "She doesn't know."

Emily's mouth fell open. "What?"

"I managed to hold her off with texts. The news coverage so far has only been in Virginia and D.C, and since she lives in East Allegheny, she hasn't seen anything. I just don't know how to tell her. Please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad, Jennifer. We'll figure it out. You should have just called me instead of putting yourself in danger." Emily was disappointed JJ hadn't told her mother about what had happened, but she understood why she hadn't. Like Emily, Annie Jareau was somewhat smothering when concerned, and she knew JJ couldn't handle two body guards at this point in her recovery.

"Do you need to go back to work?" JJ asked.

Emily shook her head. "I can stay here as long as you need me."

JJ smiled. "Well, we're gonna have to tell Hotch you're quitting the BAU."


"I don't even know what to say." JJ opened her mouth to speak. "No, wait. I need to say something first. You can share as little or as much of what happened as you want, okay? I'll say it again. Contrary to what your subconscious seems to believe, I would never force you to do anything. Under any circumstances." Emily moved closer to the blonde on the couch but made no move to touch her at all. "I need you to understand that. I love you. Just…tell me what I can do to get you to trust me again.

"I really don't know. That's what's so awful about this. I don't know how to fix it."

"I have an idea," Emily supplied. "I need you to be open-minded about this. Maybe we should call your mom."

"What? No! She hasn't seen me since before; I can't deal with that," JJ argued nervously.

"If you really don't want her to come, I won't push the issue, but please hear me out first." JJ nodded and motioned for Emily to continue. "She's been begging to see you. She's your mother, Jen, she just wants to help. And let's face it: at a certain point, there isn't much I can do for you, as much as it breaks my heart to admit. I think it'll be good for you, honey. Sometimes a girl just needs her mom."

JJ nodded. "You're right. It's something we haven't tried. I'm willing to entertain the idea, but I don't want her to know everything that happened. We'll just tell her the broad strokes."

"Baby, I won't lie to your mother. She deserves to know." Emily didn't want JJ or herself to have to verbally recount what had happened to JJ in that basement any more than JJ did, especially because the Shaffer trial was coming up, but in order to effectively be a trusted person in JJ's recovery, Annie needed to know why her daughter didn't trust Emily.

JJ sighed. "Honestly, I'd do anything to get that nightmare out of my head. God, it wasn't even real."

Emily hesitantly pulled JJ into her arms, noticing her tense before relaxing. "Just remember, my love. This is real."

AN: What do you think? I felt like Emily has been the perfect wife and I needed her to be human for just a bit, to have a bit of a breakdown. Let me know what you want to see. Do you want to know more about JJ's nightmare? Remember, the more reviews I get, the faster I'll update (not because I'm self-absorbed-reviews just inspire me to write). I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The next one will probably be posted the beginning/middle of next week.