Grandma and I met Valerie and the three babies at Santa's Village. We stood in line for a long time, so long that Edmund woke up and started to bawl. Which woke up Victoria and Lisa, and suddenly all three babies were screaming. I looked at Val, and she looked ready to cry alongside her kids. "What's wrong?" I said over the din.

Valerie tried to interest her kids in their soothers, but none of the kids were having anything to do with them. "Maybe we should do this another day", said Valerie.

"It's almost our turn", I said. There were only two children in front of us, and they were both babies and would not take much time on Santa's knee. After all, their list wouldn't be too long. They were still learning how to say mama and dada.

"But Steph", said Val. She looked mortified and pointed at her chest. "My milk came in when Edmund cried."

I looked at the double wet spots on her t-shirt. It was a bit of a problem, and I could see why she wanted to have her picture taken another day. But then I looked at the long line behind us and thought about the time we'd just spent waiting our turn, and I knew we couldn't give up our turn in line.

I pulled my leopard silk scarf off my neck and threw it over Valerie's neck. I arranged it so that the ends of the scarf nicely covered the wet spots. "All fixed", I said.

We moved forward another couple of people until we were next in line to see the big man. I looked around me. A black man was approaching Santa's Village. He was dressed in a Santa suit and he was carrying a sign. A few seconds later there were a number of black men, all wearing Santa suits, all carrying big signs. They cut the line off from the Santa on the chair, and signs were waved angrily. "No more elves", chanted one man. The chant was picked up by the other Santas.

A large black Santa climbed over the barricade and stood up near Santa's throne. The mother of the person who was on his knee scrambled up to the front to retrieve her child, and as I strode forward to take my turn on Santa's knee, one of the black Santas blocked my path.

"You don't want to go there, ma'am", he said. "You don't want to be anywhere near this."

"You don't understand", I said. "My sister is leaking, and if we are going to get this picture we need to do it now."

The man beside Santa's chair pulled a megaphone out of a bag. I wondered if it was a magical bag that he would be able to pull out whatever he needed. He put the megaphone to his mouth and started to yell in it. "This is discrimination. Santas can be any color. There is no law that says that Santas have to be white. This mall has been discriminating against blacks, and we are here to stop it. We are saying 'no!' We don't want to be elves. We are saying 'no!' We don't agree with Santas being paid more than elves. We are saying 'hell, no!' We don't want to be restricted to being elves because of the color of our skin. Would you support a company that preferred white people? A company that would only hire white people into its top spot? I say, 'hell, no'."

"Do they hire women to be Santas as well?" I asked the man standing at the entrance to Santa's Village.

"Of course not", said the man. "That would be silly having a female Santa."

"Why?" I said.

"It just would. Santas are supposed to be male."

"So Santas don't have to fit the aesthetic but they have to fit the stereotype?"

"Yes."

"Hell, no!" said my grandmother. She deked around the person who was holding us back and strode up to the black Santa. She snatched the megaphone out of his hand. "I say hell, no!" she said. She looked a little shocked at how loud her voice was, before she looked at me and smiled. "Hell, no! There should be Santas of any color. Hell, no! There should be female Santas. Hell, no! There should be children Santas. We should end tyranny and preference. We should open the job as a Santa to the person who is the most qualified. We should have Santas of all ages and colors and genders."

"Hell, no", said the black Santa at the front. "You can't have female Santas. Female Santas have padding in all the wrong places."

"That can be tamped down", said Grandma.

"Females have voices that are too high to be a Santa."

"A woman can modify their voice, and for your information, I am quite able to yell 'ho, ho, ho' in a loud voice." She lowered her voice and chortled to illustrate her point.

"It is just wrong to think of a female being a Santa."

"Hell, no!"

Mall security came, and the black Santas all scattered. Grandma was left holding the megaphone near Santa's throne.

"Great", said Valerie. "Can we have our picture done now?" She pushed her triple-stroller to the side of the stage as the mall security guard approached us.

"You can't be making a ruckus, ma'am", said the guard. "Parents want to bring their children to see Santa. This is supposed to be a good childhood memory."

"The mall is practicing tyranny!" yelled my grandmother.

"Oh, boy", said Valerie. "Can we just have our picture taken? I've been waiting for almost forty-five minutes."

"Boycott this Santa Village", yelled my grandmother.

"Ma'am, you have to come with us", said the security guard to my grandmother. He moved to grab hold of her elbow and she jumped out of the way. As she jumped, she knocked over the bin of candy canes. They spilled all across the floor in front of Santa's throne and she jumped to the side of Santa.

"You have been a very naughty girl", said Santa to my grandmother.

"How can you support this?" she said to Santa.

"I just collect my paycheck", said Santa. "Besides, it's fun telling women that they are naughty. Usually I have to pay for that."

The mall cop strode up to Grandma, his cuffs out, and Grandma broke a polystyrene candy cane off the display and brandished it around like a sword. Wielding it like she was the fourth Musketeer, she pranced around on her tippy-toes and, every time the mall cop got close, Grandma whipped him on his forearm with the candy cane.

The mall cop mumbled something into his walkie-talkie, and I decided that it had gone on long enough. Valerie looked like she was about to cry, Grandma looked gleeful, Santa had turned and watched Grandma with an enraptured look on his face, and I still wanted my photograph.

"I'll tell you what", I said. "Let us get this photograph, and I'll take Grandma shopping and get her out of your hair for the afternoon." I walked up to Grandma and took the polystyrene candy cane out of her hands and led her from the dais. I could feel the candy canes crunch under my boots as I brought her to the side to look after the babies.

"I want to arrest this woman", said the mall cop.

"Let's get this photograph, and then we can talk about it", I said. I grabbed Valerie's hand and walked up to the Santa. I sat Valerie on one knee, and I sat on the other. "I'm sorry we made a mess of your village", I said. "My grandmother is a leftover hippy who doesn't believe in tyranny."

"Your grandmother is wonderful", said Santa with a smile and a sigh. "Is she single?"

"Yes, she is. I'll tell you what. After you get a picture with Val and me, I'll ask my grandmother to sit on your knee for a minute and you can ask her out."

Santa grinned. "She could be my Mrs. Claus any day."

I smiled.

"What would you like for Christmas, young ladies?" said Santa.

"I'd like to have a bubble bath without anyone in the family fighting for the bathroom", said Val.

"What do you want for Christmas?" Santa said to me.

I thought for a moment. "I don't know", I said. "I like my life pretty much the way that it is." I paused. "I just want this picture with my sister. When we were children, my mother had us do a picture every year at Christmas. This year, we decided to do another picture for her, just her two girls."

"That's real nice", said Santa.

"Smile", said a perky little elf. I noticed that she was black and wondered if the Santa brigade had been onto something.

The flash went off and Valerie and I scrambled off Santa's knee. "Thank you for being so understanding", I said to Santa.

Valerie hustled to her children, who were becoming hysterical. Their cries were setting off other children in the line. "Grandma", I said, "it's your turn next."

The person next in line groaned, and her son pulled on her hand. "Mommy, why is the bad woman sitting on Santa's knee?"

"It's so that Santa can tell her that she'll get a lump of coal if she doesn't start acting better", said the mother.

Another two security guards came down to Santa's Village, and my grandmother hopped up on Santa's knee. She talked quietly to him for a minute. I could hear Santa ask my grandmother to leave her number with the photographer, and as she stood up he pinched her ass. She turned red, but she was smiling.

As I grabbed the photos from the photographer and paid for the prints, the security guards captured Grandma and led her from the Village. The other mothers started to clap.

Valerie and I followed the security guards and Grandma. "I demand to see your supervisor", said my grandmother. I groaned.

"He is already on his way, ma'am", said the first security guard. He continued to walk Grandma to the security office. Valerie followed with her wailing three children, and I followed behind as I tried frantically to figure a way out of the situation that wouldn't get Grandma charged with public mischief.

We got to the security office, and I turned to the guards. "My sister really needs to feed her son. Do you mind if she breastfeeds him here? I know from experience that his crying will only become more frantic if he isn't fed."

One of the guards indicated which chair Valerie should sit in, and she sat with a grateful sigh. I handed her Edmund and she lifted her top, undid her bra, and his crying was mercifully silenced.

Grandma and I each took another child out of the stroller and bounced them around in our arms. They quickly stopped crying, and everyone breathed a sigh of relief as silence reigned. "There are teething biscuits in the diaper bag", said Valerie.

Grandma put Lisa on her feet and rummaged through the bag until she finally pulled out a small sandwich baggie filled with teething biscuits. I handed one to Victoria and Grandma handed one to Lisa. Both girls grinned, and their smiles only got wider when we handed them the sippy cups of juice that Valerie also had the foresight to bring.

The security guard supervisor walked into the room, and the other security guards stood a little straighter. The newcomer turned to us. "Steph?" he said with surprise in his voice.

"Hey, Tony", I said. Tony Testler was a skip that I had taken in several times. He had wanted to become a police officer, and he thought the most expedient route to getting there was to impersonate a cop and collect money for speeding tickets. The money that he raised he donated to the Police Association. He felt that he would impress the police with the good job that he was doing, and he thought he'd get noticed for something good by donating as much money as he was. It hadn't worked in his favor though. I had taken him in about six times in the last few years. He was a nice man who just didn't understand that his actions were increasing the chance that his application would be denied. The last time I had taken him in was about six months before, and I'd had a long talk with him about the choices that he was making in his life. At the time, I encouraged him to be the best security guard that he could be. I hadn't seen him since, so it was nice to have a bit of a chance to get caught up. "How are you doing?"

"Good. I've been made supervisor."

"Hey, that's great! I'm really happy for you. I'm sure that you make an excellent supervisor. You have the personality for it."

"Are you still a bounty hunter? Are these skips of yours?"

"No, those are my sister and my grandmother. I'm still a bounty hunter but I've been so busy with my second job as a researcher that I haven't had time to chase skips. I've been handing off all my skip tracing jobs to Rangeman, a security company."

"I tried to get on with them a few months ago, but I didn't hear back when I put in a resume."

"Don't take it personally. They generally only hire former military personnel for their Operations staff. They will soon be hiring more security guards, however, and are opening their hiring practices up to hiring non-military as well. If you tried again, you'd stand a chance."

"Thanks. I will. They pay better than the mall. What are you doing here?"

I explained what had happened.

"I didn't see any other Santas", said the first security guard.

"You could check your security tapes", I said. "There were about fifteen Santas there protesting."

The first security guard went to the bank of monitors and pulled up the view of Santa's Village. "Don't you believe us?" said my grandmother. She started to get incensed.

I sighed. "Grandma, we want them to check the security tape footage. Without it, they will be looking for the wrong person, and they don't want that to happen – and neither do we."

"Steph", said Tony, "we don't have audio on these cameras. Can you tell us what was being said?"

I told him what the ringleader said and how I threw a monkey wrench into their plans when I asked them whether women were allowed to apply. I told him that my grandmother pointed out that the mall wasn't only practicing racial discrimination, but was also practicing gender discrimination as well as age discrimination. And I told them that the security guard told my grandmother that she was going to be arrested and she got scared. For once, my grandmother didn't interrupt and she let me do the talking and appeared as though she wasn't listening at all as she played with Lisa, although Val looked like she was having trouble not laughing to think that Grandma was scared. "I think she was just trying to point out to the black Santas the weakness in their argument. The black Santas were just as discriminatory and didn't think that women or teens should be given the jobs as Santa either. She was trying to help you avoid a lawsuit. You should be thanking her."

"Amen", said my grandmother. Apparently she had been listening after all.

"I don't know", said Val. "I don't think my kids would enjoy going to a black Santa, or a female Santa, or a teenaged Santa."

"That's the whole point", I said. "A female Santa or a black Santa or a teenaged Santa doesn't look like Santa, no matter what they do. No one wants to go to a Santa like that, and Grandma was just pointing it out in her own way. The way she chose might not have been the best way to make her point, but she made her point even so."

"Should I phone the police, Tony, and have them arrested for disturbing the peace?" said the first security guard. I decided that I didn't like that security guard. He was too intent upon criminal charges, and he wasn't listening to what we were saying. "After all", he continued, "they destroyed the Village display and crushed a container full of candy canes."

"That was an accident", I said. "If you look at the security feed, you can see that you scared my grandmother and she was trying to get out of your way. When doing so, she backed into the container of candy canes and knocked them over. It was, as I said, an accident."

Tony smiled. "I don't think the mall needs the media attention that charging Stephanie and her grandmother and her sister, the mother to three little babies, would bring. Stephanie is well-known in the police world, and we wouldn't get much sympathy if we tried to charge her. I think we should let them go with the request not to come back to Santa's Village this year." Tony turned to us. "Would that be something you could live with?"

"So we can still do our shopping here today?" I asked, just to make sure. I couldn't believe that we were getting off so lightly.

Tony smiled. "The stores in the mall wouldn't want it any other way."

"But Tony…" said the first security guard.

A look of annoyance washed over Tony's face. "Brian", he said, "here's the deal. You have captured someone who is well-known and well-liked amongst the police, and the police wouldn't thank you for the need to take her in. In fact, I think there would be some backlash if you tried to have her charged. Add in the fact that you scared an old woman to the point where she knocked over a large drum of candy canes all in an effort to get away from you, and the other person you captured was a young mother of three babies who was simply waiting for a chance to sit on Santa's knee – charging them seems more like a media nightmare than anything else. Did Santa in any way feel threatened?"

"I hope not", said my grandmother. "He's supposed to be calling me to set up a dinner date."

"So Santa wasn't threatened by the women but the women felt threatened by your treatment of them. As I said, it's a public relations nightmare. Let it die a slow death. We aren't charging Stephanie or her grandmother or her sister, and we hope that, by this show of good faith, that they also won't charge us for scaring them."

"I think, Tony, that I can speak for my grandmother and my sister as well when I say that I'd like to put this whole experience behind us and move on."

Edmund popped off Valerie and she put him up on her shoulder and burped him. A bubble of milk came out and dribbled down my scarf. "I'm sorry", said Valerie. "I'll wash it before I give it back to you."

"Keep it", I said.

I shook Tony's hand and wished him well, then looked at the other security guards in the room and wished them a merry Christmas. As Val and Grandma and the kids and I walked out of the security office, Grandma said, "do you know what was the most disappointing part about this whole visit to Santa?"

"What's that, Grandma?" I said.

"No candy canes. Everyone knows that the best part of visiting Santa are the candy canes. Do you think anyone would mind if we snuck back and got some?"

"NO!" Val and I said at the same time. "We are NOT sneaking back and getting candy canes."

"We crushed all the candy canes that were there, anyway", I said. "Besides, when you go on the date with Santa you can always ask him to bring you a few."

Grandma brightened. "There is that", she said. "I could be his elf."

"Edna the elf?"

"Kind of has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" asked Grandma. "Do you think I need to buy a pair of shoes that curl up at the toes?"