Nowhere to go.
Allen gripped the edge of the bath tub tightly, leaning over and letting his head loll down and hand limply. His world was spinning and he was finding it hard to focus on even the plain white of the tub. He jumped slightly when he felt a hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles. The touch burned and only made his head spin more. He knew what was coming next, he just wanted it over and done with. He heaved over the tub, his stomach clenching painfully when nothing came up. Panting and whimpering in pain, he continued to heave with out bringing anything up. It was so painful, he just wanted this over with, but it had been going on for over a day now. He didn't have anything left in his body to bring up. He had drank so much that he had effectively poisoned himself.
The hand continued moving around his back in a motion that was meant to be soothing. Yet all it did was burn him and chaf his skin as sweaty fabric rubbed against his skin. He retched one more time, his body shaking from the effort as he brought up a thin trail of bile, the acid burning his throat. He coughed it all up and almost let out a sigh when the clenching in his stomach died down. Letting go of the tub he slumped against the edge, panting, sweat dripping off his face. He was worn out, covered in sweat and scared. Scared because he knew it wouldn't be long before another bout hit him.
The burning hand left his back and leaned over him, turning on the taps. The water quickly washed away the small amount of mess he had created. Bringing his hands up sluggishly, he dipped his hands in the cool water. Cupping his hands in the water, he splashed water against his face, rubbing it in. It woke him up slightly and helped him to find the strength to push himself to his feet. He swayed on his feet, feeling the need to kneel back down again. Fighting the need to fall over he turned around, coming face to face with Kanda.
"Feeling better, Moyashi?" Kanda asked.
"Y-yeah." Allen replied hoarsely, even as sweat continued to drip from his face.
Kanda pressed a hand to the Moyashi's cheek who tensed slightly. He ran his thumb along the scar, which had smoothed and faded slightly thanks to his care.
"Why don't you have a bath?" He said dropping his hand.
Kanda walked over to the still running tub and turned on the hot water tap. He got the water to the right temperature before walking back to his Moyashi. With out any warning he began to strip the Moyashi of his clothes, quickie leaving him standing naked in the middle of the bathroom. Throwing the clothes to the side, he grabbed the Moyashi and guided him towards the bath tub. Allen managed to shrug him of, gently so as not to invoke Kanda's wrath. Even if Kanda had been a lot more mellow recently, he still didn't want to risk anything. He stepped into the bath, his legs shaking slightly. After steading himself he slide down into the water and tried to relax.
"I'll get you a glass of water." Kanda spoke softly, leaving the room.
Allen resisted the urge to get up and lock the door after him. He knew it would accomplish nothing, but the sound of the lock clicking comforted him some how. Instead he lay back in the tub and rubbed his hand over his sore stomach. It was noticeably shrunken, Kanda had got his wish for him to loose weight. HIs stomach clenched painfully again and he thought he was going to start heaving again. Yet it died down as quickly as it came, leaving him panting slightly.
He was still panting when Kanda re-entered the room, carrying a glass filled with icy liquid.
"Here." Kanda said passing him the glass.
Kanda passed the glass over to him, and he took it with a shaky hand. He brought it to his lips, the glass clattering against his teeth before he drank the cool water. He drank it quickly and then set the glass down on the ground.
"Would you like some more?"
"I want a drink." Allen croaked.
Kanda understood the meaning of the words, and although he liked a drunk and subdued Moyashi, he didn't like a vomiting, incoherent, shivering Moyashi.
"No." Kanda responded.
"Please," Allen whined, " I need a drink."
"No, Moyashi." Kanda said, picking up the empty glass, the ice rattling as he did.
"Get me a drink!" Allen yelled with a croak.
Realising what he had done, his eyes widened and he brought his arms up to protect himself as best as he could. He waited for the yelling, for fists to connect to his face. He quaked, tiny ripples of water spreading across the previously smooth water. Minutes past and when nothing happened, Allen risked peeking over the protection of his arm.
Kanda stood in the exact same spot, his expression was blank, but his whole body was shaking.
"Fine." He spat, stalking from the room and slamming the door shut behind him.
Allen let out a breath and started to shake harder. The last few weeks had been terrifying for him. Kanda hadn't touched him, hadn't forced himself on him, hadn't hit him in anger. Even when suggesting they do something, he never followed through with it and let Allen be. There were a number of times were Kanda suggested that they have sex, but afterwards nothing happened. It scared him more than anything Kanda had done previously.
It started almost a week ago. Kanda had returned home with shopping and Allen had almost snatched it from his hands. He expected repercussions, but nothing happened. After that Kanda said he wanted to have dinner, take a bath, and then suggested that he would like Allen to go down on him. They had, had dinner, taken the bath together, Allen shivering the whole time at what was to come next. After that they went to the bedroom, and simple went to sleep. The next day Kanda started to follow him everywhere. If it he went to the kitchen Kanda was with him, he would sit next to Allen on the couch, even if he didn't do anything. When going to the toilet Kanda would sit outside the bathroom door until he was done, and when bathing, Kanda always went with him. Even before that day, that last time Kanda had touched him was the night he was tied to the bed.
Kanda also spent a longer amount of time than usually touching Allen. There was nothing sexual about it though. He would simply rest his arm around his shoulder, play with his hair, rub the scar on the face. Allen couldn't even sleep as Kanda would pull him close as they lay in bed, not letting go all night. All small little things, but it was constant, and it was driving Allen insane. It drove him to drink even more, he was drinking more than he ever had before in his life. Even more than when things with Kanda were at it's worst. It was all because Allen was just waiting for when Kanda would snap. He knew Kanda couldn't control himself forever, and once he lost it Allen feared what he would do to him. With his fists and with his body. Most of all he couldn't stand the fact that Kanda was attempting to be nice to him.
He wasn't nice though, just pretending, trying too hard. Someone shouldn't have to pretend to be nice, it should just come naturally. Like it did with Lavi.
Allen felt a sharp stab of pain to his chest as he thought of Lavi. He hadn't thought of Lavi for weeks, and for good reason. It hurt him too much to think of him. He really wanted to call Lavi, just to explain himself. He knew there was probably no chance of Lavi forgiving him, but he at least wanted a chance to explain himself, even if Lavi didn't believe him.
What Allen couldn't understand was why Lavi thought he had gone with, who ever that was, when he had been so obviously afraid of physical contact. Lord knows Lavi had tried in the beginning, but Allen just couldn't handle it. He wanted Lavi, but he couldn't stand being with anyone when the memory of Kanda was still so fresh. Lavi knew that, so why would he believe that Allen had slept with some random? Allen figured that Lavi must have seen him with his rapist. Yet wasn't it obvious he was out of it? He was asleep for most of it and couldn't remember Lavi at all. So he must have been asleep when Lavi saw the two of them together. How could Lavi not know he was drugged?
The whole thing made his head hurt. He'd just have to call Lavi at another time to explain himself. As soon as Kanda stopped following him everywhere. It was absolutely impossible to do anything at the moment when he couldn't even go to the toilet in private.
"Here."
Allen jumped at the interruption to his thoughts, looking up to see Kanda handing him a glass. He took the glass presented to him, bringing it to his lips. As soon as the liquid touched his tongue he felt himself relax some. The warm scourching liquid slid down his throat easily, going down faster and easier than the water earlier. He emptied the glass and held it back up to Kanda.
"C-can I have some more." Allen asked, feeling brave.
Kanda scowled down and Allen felt his heartbeat increase, thinking he had pushed too far. He waited for the shouting once again, but Kanda simple turned and left the bathroom. Allen let out another breath and slid down further into the water until only his eyes rested above the water. He wondered briefly if he stayed under, would it be enough time to drown himself in before Kanda came back.
He doubted it, last time he'd tried to kill himself Kanda had managed to save him. It would probably be easy for him to breath life back into him. It wasn't worth it, besides, he wanted to wait at least until he talked to Lavi one last time. As the only good thing he ever had in his life, Allen believed Lavi at least deserved a good bye, even if he didn't want to speak to him. It would also be a confirmation for Allen, a sense of finality that could finally allow him to let it all go and get on with death.
Kanda returned at that moment and handed Allen an entire bottle of vodka, seeing no point in getting glass after glass.
He greedily unscrewed the cap and went to pour the liquid into the earlier discarded glass.
"Why bother?" Kanda sneered, "You'll only be refilling it in another two minutes."
Allen stared up at Kanda, wondering exactly what he wanted him to do. Did he want him to drink straight from the bottle? Or was he some how suggesting that he did want him to drink from the glass, but slow it down a little? He was confused and continued to stare at Kanda, hoping that he would tell him what he wanted.
"Go on, drink from the bottle."
Allen was still confused. Was he being sarcastic?
"Drink it!" Kanda yelled, sounding angrier than he had in weeks.
Allen hurriedly brought the bottle up and drank from it. He gulped the liquid down, wincing as the burning got worse and worse. When pulling the bottle away, Kanda grabbed the bottle and tilted it back up, forcing more liquid down his throat. He coughed against the on slaughter, feeling the burning liquid run up his nasal passages and dribble out of his nose. Struggling against Kanda, Allen tried to pull away. Kanda easily pushed his arms away and continued to force the alcohol down his throat.
"Do you still want a drink now?" Kanda hissed, still restraining the thrashing figure.
Tears poured down Allen's face as the burning in his throat started to become unbearable. His stomach clenched painfully again and he knew he was going to be sick.
He managed to turn his head away from the pouring liquid and his body convulsed. Kanda finally let him go, allowing him to lean over the edge of the tub and empty his stomach only the floor. The only thing he had in his stomach was the alcohol. Strong smelling alcohol mixed with stomach acid splashed against the floor. Kanda stepped back slightly disgusted that the stuff had almost hit him.
"Are you done now?" Kanda asked, looking down at his panting Moyashi. "I don't mind you drinking Moyashi, but I don't want you like this. I don't want to constantly have to clean up after you."
Allen had just managed to stop heaving when Kanda grabbed him under the arms and hauled him out of the bath. He dragged him dripping with water out of the room and into the bedroom where he shoved him back on the bed. Allen screwed his eyes shut waiting for the assault to begin. Once again it didn't come, and he opened his eyes to an empty room.
'What the hell is going on?' Allen thought.
Kanda returned, a towel in his hands, and stalked towards the bed. He pulled Allen's limp body up easily and began to pat him dry, almost gently. He moved the Moyashi around, not caring as long as he got his clean.
Meanwhile Allen was just waiting for something to happen during the cleaning. A slip of the finger, an 'accidental' brush against his crotch. Just what was going on?
He let himself be dried, and afterwards Kanda dressed him in loose fit track pants and an oversized shirt. Kanda then lay him back gently, which Allen was grateful for as his head was still spinning.
After tucking the Moyashi in, Kanda climbed into bed beside him and got comfortable, pulling his Moyashi against him.
"Good night, Moyashi." He breathed, kissing the back of his neck softly.
"N-night," Allen managed, feeling his stomach roll again.
Kanda nuzzled against him, and soon enough fell asleep. Allen couldn't sleep however, he felt so sick and Kanda's hold was burning him. His stomach was rolling and he didn't know if he should get up and go to the bathroom, or put up with it and stay were he was. He didn't want to risk moving Kanda, he didn't know how he would take it if he was pushed away. Yet he had the idea that Kanda would take it worse if he threw up on the bedroom floor.
Moving carefully, he gently pulled Kanda's arms from around him. He remained dead to the world, so Allen slipped carefully from the bed, padding across the floor on tip toes.
When he exited the room he all but ran to the bathroom and leant over the toilet. Once again he simply dry retched over the toilet until the feeling stopped. He rinsed his mouth out when he was done and made a point to avoid the mirror above the sink. He stared down at the sink and wondered what to do next. He didn't want to go back to bed with Kanda holding him in a painful grip. He also didn't want to have to deal with whatever Kanda would do if he woke up and he wasn't laying there beside him.
Then it came to him. Kanda was asleep, he wasn't going to follow him around everywhere. Now was the only chance he had to call Lavi and try and tell him what happened. He tried to remember where he had left his phone, but when he thought about it, he hadn't seen his phone since he came to live with Kanda. He had no idea where it was. He knew Kanda's phone would be on his bedside table where it always was. Kanda was so set in his ways, Allen knew where his phone was depending on what time of day it was. He thought about it for a moment, but there was a chance Kanda could find out Allen had called from his phone.
And then it came to him, the house phone. Something so simple and common and almost useless that everyone had forgotten about it. Sneaking out of the bathroom on his tiptoes he went back to the bedroom and peaked through the door. He thanked the heavens that Kanda was still asleep, clutching a pillow against himself. Feeling safe, he tiptoed away from the doorway and led himself down stairs. He found himself freaking out over the tiniest of sounds. Like a creak from a step, or the sound of his hand running down the banister. Allen padded into the kitchen, his tiptoes sounding like a charging rhino to him.
Reaching the phone he picked it up and dialled the number he knew off by heart. He pressed the phone to his ear, feeling his breath quickening. The phone rang on and on until it rang out. He hung up and dialled the number again, he was willing to try as long as he had the nerve to, and he was rewarded when the phone picked up after the third ring.
"Hello?" Lavi said, his voice laced with sleep.
"Lavi." Allen said, breathing out a sigh of relief.
"Allen?" Lavi slurred.
"Yes, Lavi, I just… I, I just." Allen stumbled over his words, not knowing what to say now that he finally heard Lavi's voice again.
"Why?" Lavi asked.
"Why?" Allen asked confused.
"Why did you do it Allen?"
"That's why I rang you!" Allen said, almost shouting, "I didn't do it, I didn't want to, I swear I didn't."
"How can I believe you?"
"Lavi," Allen pleaded, feeling close to tears, "You knew what I was like, I didn't… I would never. "
"… Allen, I just want to know why. Stop trying to cover for yourself."
"I'm not covering," Allen sobbed, the tears breaking free, " I didn't want to do that Lavi, I really didn't."
"Then why are you with him now? Why did he answer when I tried to call you?"
"What are you talking about?" Allen croaked.
"Are you serious?" Lavi scoffed.
Allen thought about everything that had been said and was about to answer. Then one of those tiny sounds that he thought so deafening earlier sounded from the stairs.
"Oh shit, I have to go." Allen hissed.
"What?" Lavi shouted down the phone.
"I have to go, I'm sorry, I wanted to explain but I couldn't. I'll call again later, I… I love you Lavi."
He slammed the phone down before Lavi had a chance to answer and turned around. Kanda was right behind him, his face contorted in anger.
"You love him?"
"N-n-no, of c-course not," Allen stuttered, "I l-l… I love you."
"That's not what I heard," Kanda said, stalking closer, pressing his Moyashi against that wall, "What I heard was, 'I love you Lavi'. That's what you said wasn't it?"
"I didn't" Allen replied, biting his lip.
"You did," Kanda said, moving further forward until their bodies pressed together, "I wanted to say that I'm not surprise. But I am truly surprised, I didn't expect it after everything."
He leaned forward and kissed his Moyashi deeply. He didn't fail to notice the way he flinched, he'd felt it many times before but this time it really annoyed him. He bit down on the Moyashi's lip, easily drawing blood. Allen went to pull away but before he could he felt a fist connect with his stomach. He coughed and wrapped his arms around his already aching stomach.
"What do I have to do for you?" Kanda shouted, punching the Moyashi across the face.
Allen fell to the floor, his arms still wrapped around his stomach but his head throbbing more painfully after the blow to his face. When trying to push himself up, Kanda's foot crashed down on his hand, snapping bones and rendering his hand useless. From there Kanda continued to kick at the quivering and sick figure beneath him. He kicked and stomped, ignoring the whimpers that he heard.
Looking down at the bleeding figure, Kanda felt his love for the Moyashi, but he also felt hatred. Not for the Moyashi himself but for the stupid shit he did. So he raised his foot again and slammed it down on the Moyashi's chest, hearing a loud snap. The Moyashi's eyes widened and he tried to shout, but he couldn't draw in any breath. He clutched at his chest with his one good hand and gasped.
"Why do you do this?" Kanda asked, his voice quaking.
Kneeling on the floor, Kanda slid his arms underneath the Moyashi, causing a gasp of pain. Crushing the small body against him, Kanda carried him back up the stairs to the bedroom.
Allen was gasping for air, trying to get a decent breath in. Every time he tried to draw in a breath he was met with a firey pain in his chest. It was so hard to breath. He was laid down on the bed and the blankets were pulled up over him, covering his shuddering form. Kanda quickly got in next to him, pulling the Moyashi close again. He heard the whimper of pain as he wrapped his arms around the Moyashi's chest but ignored it.
"What do I need to do?" Kanda asked, his voice unsteady, "I've tried so hard."
Allen didn't answer, he couldn't even if he wanted to.
"Don't ever call him again," Kanda whispered, "Don't ever leave me."
He nuzzled into the Moyashi and after a time he fell asleep.
It was impossible for Allen to sleep though. The pain in his chest and hand was unbearable, and the conversation he had with Lavi was rocketing around his mind.
That was also the first and only time he had told Lavi that he loved him, and he meant it.
…
