"I wouldn't have pushed you away."
The words hung in the air between them, ripe with possibilities. The enormity of their confessions had scared both of them, and neither one of them moved, seeming to share a mutual fear of saying or doing something that would break the spell. Something was happening here…something that had been coming for a long time.
Elliot watched Olivia closely, knowing that he had been the one that had started them down this path the moment he pulled her into that hug. He felt compelled to take the next step, but he honestly didn't know what that might be.
Should he kiss her?
Or had that opportunity passed?
They hadn't broken eye contact since she'd uttered her confession, but in that moment, his eyes dropped to her lips. He couldn't even begin to count how many times he'd thought about kissing her, and he wondered if it was the same for her. As he watched, he saw her part her lips slightly, and his eyes darted back up to hers. She was watching him, and he knew then that she wanted this to happen. She wasn't going to make the first move, but she wasn't going to stop him.
He walked towards her slowly, but he stopped just a foot away from her. In his dreams, he had swept her into his arms and captured her lips with his. She had slipped her arms around his neck and kissed him back, and it had been the most natural thing in the world. But right now, the reality of the situation was making him pause. He was riddled with uncertainty. She was looking at him, and the only thing he could think of was that he'd spent years doing his damnedest to keep his eyes from lingering too long and his hands from reaching for her.
And now…he was just supposed to pull her body against his and…and…
Christ. Where should he put his hands?
Olivia sensed his hesitation, and she understood. Right now, despite everything that had been said, they could still go back…move away from the precipice. But once they shared that first kiss…
"Liv."
She heard him say her name, and his voice was husky…low. It was almost a plea, as if he needed to know she was as culpable as he was in whatever happened next.
Olivia closed her eyes for a brief moment, knowing this wasn't the time for rationale thought. Her eyes fluttered opened, and she closed the gap between them, sliding the palms of her hands up his chest as she looked up at him through her lashes. Elliot's slid his hands lightly up her outer arms, and then he was cupping her jaw…his fingers resting lightly against her skin. She felt her breathing quicken in anticipation and then Elliot leaned in, placing a soft kiss on her slightly parted lips. It was gentle…almost tentative…and it was exactly the opposite of what she ever imagined. He kissed her again…and again…small, soft kisses…almost reverent. Olivia felt a small sound escape from the back of her throat as she slipped her hands around his neck, and she kissed him back, opening her mouth to him.
When Elliot tilted her head slightly, and placed his full mouth against hers, she felt a tingling sensation course through her body. He slid the fingers of his right hand into her hair, cradling her gently in his hand as he explored her mouth. She moved closer, pulling his head towards her as she kissed him back. They were both moving slowly…learning each other…and it was incredibly sensual.
Elliot was lost in the softness of her lips…the small sounds she was making…the taste of her. He could feel her fingers pressing against the back of his neck and every sense seemed somehow heightened.
How didn't know how he had resisted this…her…for so long.
He slipped one hand down to the dip of her waist, resting it on the curve of hip. He felt himself wanting to pull her body closer, but was afraid that if he did, he would lose all control.
He was focused on taking this slowly…committing every detail to memory.
Olivia could feel that Elliot was holding back, and she understood why. The way he was kissing her made her heart race…and she knew things could escalate quickly. And even though they had both gone into this willingly, she knew Elliot was probably as wary as she was. But despite their cautious exploration, she could feel her control slipping with each moment that passed. Then Elliot slid his tongue between her lips, and she faltered, feeling her skin flush.
Elliot moaned into Olivia's mouth as her tongue met his, and she stole his breath as they kissed with renewed intensity. He felt her body start to fall into his, but he held her in place with his hand on her hip, anticipating his body's reaction to her kiss and her touch. Despite his growing need, he knew they couldn't simply throw caution to the wind.
There was too much at stake.
But oh…he wanted to.
He wanted to let his hands wander…to touch her in ways he had only dreamed about. All his nerve endings were on fire and his emotions in this moment threatened to overwhelm him. Olivia moaned into his mouth again and dug the tips of her fingers into his skin, and he lost all resolve then. He kissed her with abandon, letting his hand slide from her waist to the small of her back. He slipped his fingers beneath the hem of her t-shirt, feeling her soft smooth skin, and he heard a slight gasp from her as his fingers caressed the skin there. He froze, wondering if he had crossed a line.
Christ. Was there even a line anymore?
Olivia slid one hand down from behind Elliot's neck and flattened the palm of it against his chest, pushing against him slightly until he pulled his mouth from hers. She could feel the swell of her lips, and the beating of Elliot's heart matched her own.
The intensity of these past few minutes threatened to consume her, but she had known it would be like this.
She had always known.
She dropped her eyes from his, staring at the way the palm of her hand melded against the hard muscles of his chest, and she felt like she needed to say something…anything. But the only thing she could rasp out was his name. "Elliot."
Elliot could hear the emotion in her voice, and he wondered what was going through her head in that moment. For a moment, he was worried it was regret. But he wasn't getting that from her.
Just silence.
Stillness.
Contemplation.
When her eyes lifted and met his, he could see a sort of acceptance. A surrender.
She wasn't going to pull away from him. She wasn't going to whisper any words of regret.
And for that, he was grateful.
"I know." He said, gently brushing her hair away from her face. He slid both arms around her and pulled her against his body, placing small kisses on her hairline as she folded her arms against his body.
Elliot didn't know what to say to her right now. He'd never been good with words.
So, he held her.
Eventually, their breathing and their heart rates slowed, and he found they were swaying slightly. Just as they had been in the foyer. Moving to some unheard melody…some unknown rhythm.
Olivia felt herself being lulled almost to sleep. The outpouring of feelings had almost left her drained, even though she hadn't said the words that still lingered in the air. She gladly let Elliot hold her, and even though his kisses had sent her senses into overload, she thought she could be happy simply wrapped in Elliot's arms.
All the arguments and tensions faded away…and she sighed as she lay her cheek against his chest.
A few more moments had passed, and she realized Elliot was saying her name. She pulled herself back slightly and felt Elliot's arms loosen around her. Olivia looked up at him, wondering if she had actually fallen asleep.
"Maybe you should go back to bed." Elliot said, letting his arms fall to her waist, still holding her lightly against him.
Olivia felt her cheeks flush as she thought about Elliot in her bed.
Elliot saw her blush. It was adorable…a word he never associated with Olivia Benson. He leaned in slightly. "I meant to sleep." He whispered.
The huskiness of his voice sent a shiver through Olivia's body, and she knew Elliot could feel her tremble.
She didn't care. "Maybe you could join me." She said, her voice barely more than a whisper.
Elliot never thought he would hear those words coming out of her mouth, and even though he had shared her bed once already, he knew they were in uncharted territory now. He covered her hands with his, and pulled them up to his mouth, placing gentle kisses on her knuckles. "Liv…"
Olivia blushed again, but now it was from embarrassment. She could hear the rejection in his voice, and she silently berated herself. The man had been married for most of his adult life. He hadn't dated. He hadn't negotiated those first and second dates or the expectations of sex. And here she was, inviting him into her bed after just a few kisses.
Elliot felt her pull away and knew she was embarrassed by what she felt was a misstep. "Don't." He said. He held on to her hands and kept her in place. He saw she was avoiding his eyes. "Please." He tugged at her hands and she looked back up at him.
Olivia saw his eyes searching hers.
"I don't want to mess this up." Elliot said quietly. He pressed her hands against his chest again, still staring into her eyes. "Do you understand what I'm saying to you?"
Olivia nodded. Because she did. She really did. "I do." She swallowed hard. "I shouldn't have…" She felt the flush return and she glanced away again. "I just…"
Elliot placed two fingers lightly beneath her chin and gently guided her back so she couldn't avoid looking at him. He considered what he was willing to reveal right now, but realized, there was no reason to hold back anymore. "Do you know how many times I've thought about kissing you? About…" It was his turn to swallow hard now and he found he couldn't say the words. "About everything?"
Olivia just watched him intently, surprised that he had put his thoughts into words, and wanting to tell him that her thoughts mirrored his. When he paused, she reached up and wrapped her fingers around his hand and pulled it from her face, holding it in between their bodies. "It's the same for me."
Elliot seemed to consider her words and there was a slight look of bewilderment in his eyes. "If we both feel the same way and want the same things, then, why is this so terrifying?" He asked quietly, choking out the words.
Olivia was slightly taken aback by the question at first, but she realized the word terrifying was the perfect choice. "When you want something so much…" She started. "You build it up in your mind. But what if once you have it, you find that you really don't want it? That it isn't what you thought?" She felt tears brimming on her lower lashes. "Then, you have nothing." She shook her head. "Just…nothing." The last word was barely a whisper and she dropped her gaze once again. If she kept looking at Elliot, she was going to start to cry.
Because she wanted him.
All of him.
Everything he had to give.
And if that couldn't happen, she really would be alone.
Elliot knew she was telling him her deepest fear, and it was why he was treading so carefully now. He reached out and placed his hands lightly on her upper arms, not wanting to overstep. "Tell me what you want Liv. I'll follow your lead." Olivia looked up at him again. He looked back and forth between her eyes. "I already told you. I don't want to mess this up."
"This isn't all on you."
"I know that." He lifted one hand to caress her cheek and Olivia turned her head into his palm so that he cupped his cheek. "But I need you to know…no matter what…you're never going to be alone Olivia. I'm always going to be there for you." He ran his thumb lightly against her skin and saw her close her eyes. "Do you believe that?"
Olivia mumbled her agreement and she took in everything he was saying. There was still an undercurrent of fear and uncertainty running through her mind, but with Elliot's presence so near to her, it was muted.
"I know that neither one of us really believes that there's no future for us. And I don't want to go back to the way things were because now that I've kissed you…" He swallowed hard. "I can't go back."
Olivia placed her hand over his as it rested against her cheek.
Elliot wasn't sure what to think because Olivia wasn't saying anything. "Liv?" he turned her head back towards him again, and her eyes slid open. She gave him a long, lazy look, and a small smile tugged at her lips.
Olivia had heard every word that Elliot said, but as much as she'd like to believe him, she knew he couldn't make promises to her. The world didn't work like that. But she could have hope. She could take a leap of faith. "I can't go back either." She said finally. "I don't want to go back." The smile faded. "But I also know that the two of us…sometimes…" They were horrible at communicating, especially with each other. And that was about mundane, work things. This was a whole other level. "Communication isn't our strong suit."
"Maybe that was because there was so much pent up sexual tension." Elliot quipped with a smile tugging at his lips.
Olivia rolled her eyes and laughed, despite herself. The levity actually helped relieve the heaviness of the conversation. "Maybe so." She teased back.
"So…maybe…just to improve communication between us…" Elliot started, sliding his hands down to her hips. "We should relieve some of that with a little more kissing."
Olivia raised one eyebrow and bit down on her lower lip, knowing that it probably drove Elliot over the edge. "Is that what you call taking it slow?"
"It's just a few kisses Benson." Elliot said, giving her his best smile and wiggling his eyebrows. He was so damn happy in this moment that he couldn't keep the smile off his face if he tried.
"Benson?" Olivia asked, feigning indignation. "If you're going to kiss me, I think we'd better be on a first name basis." She teased.
"Olivia…" Elliot said, taking a half step closer. "Will you please stop talking and kiss me?"
