A Father's Love

Chapter 9

It was early the next week when Castle called Jim Beckett. He had some information on two cases Beckett had asked him to look into, they' d meet at the regular place.

Over coffee, Castle gave a run down on the Solegui case. The husband hadn't been cheating. He followed the guy both during and after business hours, which were pretty limited. The husband just worked too much, and often alone at night. The bottom line was, there was no other woman, his job was his mistress. He mused, "The wife should just learn to enjoy the money."

On the Eckl case, their suspicion had been right. One of the partners he had been siphoning money. After studying the accounts, the was something wrong in both the payables and expenses. The senior partner apparently had some debt and was using his firm's income to provide an extra assist in personal debt reduction.

With the business behind them, Beckett changed topics quickly, "Rick have you heard anything from Katie?"

"She was out last week to see my new place and we talked," he reflected on the mood of the conversation, "No screaming or rants, just an honest conversation."

"How do you think she's doing?"

"I'm trying not to be involved...you know just stay out of her way, like she wants...she was pretty upset, she cried some and I don't do very well around her tears." He looked out the window. "She says she doesn't want a divorce, but thinks her running off, or whatever she calls it, was reasonable. I can't seem to get her to see how erratic her behavior is...or how harmful. Everything is in shambles, but she just keeps her chin-up and presses on."

The waitress came and filled their cups, creating a space for silence and thought. When she left they both said 'thank you' in sync. It brought a broad smile from the woman. But it made Castle think of the many times he an Kate had done the same thing.

Beckett added some cream and stirred, he stared into the swirling hot liquid, then up at Castle, "I want to ask you something," Castle nodded, "What would you do for Alexis?"

"How do you mean?"

"Let me ask this way, is there anything you wouldn't do for Alexis?"

Castle smiled, " Not that I can think of."

"What if she did something wrong, even something bad or cruel. Would that change how you feel about her?"

He sat for a moment, knowing Kate's dad was asking a serious question, "My feelings for Alexis are much deeper than her conduct. She's done things, that have upset me, made me very angry, but that never affected my love for her."

"As a Dad, I understand. There's nothing I wouldn't do for Katie, nothing. She was a difficult child. An only child, who thought she was the center of the universe." Castle laughed, thinking he'd like to have known the younger Kate, "Even as an adult she's been a pain in the butt, still...she my daughter."

Castle could tell by the look in his eye that he was visiting some old memory. He said nothing and let Kate's dad have the moment.

"I've told you this before, but I believe you and I, and maybe a couple others are the only people who truly love her." He looked directly at Castle, "I hope if it comes to it, you can help her, the way you would Alexis."

Castle eyes went wide, "Jim...I'm not sure I can help her...I can't stop her...she doesn't listen to me."

"She may not be listening right this minute, but to me, she's about to collide with the wall. She's heading for a crash...and I think it comes down to you."

"Jim she's practically killed me."

"If the chance comes, and you can, do what it takes to pull her back from the brink," he saw the look in Castle's eye, a hurting, "Rick, I've never doubted your commitment to her. As a father, I'm asking you to do what you can. I don't want my girl lost again, and you're the best hope she has..."

When Castle did speak, Beckett continued, "I've never been angrier with her than when she told me she'd moved...that she needed time, to do this stupid investigation. I yelled at her...I lost my cool." He looked away again, "Asked her if she knew what I would give for five weeks with her mother?" The statement brought Jim to a full stop. He took a few moments, then, his voice thick, "I forgive anything...anything at all to have her back." He stopped again, as the old, raw, naked pain of the loss washed over him.

Castle sat deathly still.

When he spoke, it was barely a whisper, "I told her I couldn't go to hell...because I'd lived for the last 15 years." Quiet again, he turned his head and stared off, but then back to Castle, "I'm not asking you to just take her back. But if she comes to the end...figures out this thing she does...sees the error and harm its caused...and then asks, please...work it out."

"Jim..." But Beckett cut him off.

"Forgive what you can, let her lick the wounds she's caused. I see that fierce love for my daughter in you. As I told her, don't let what you have pass, you may never find it again. You'll could end up like me, your cup full of just loneliness and sorrow."

XX

She was back at Burke's, it had been weeks since their last meeting. Again she sat in the small waiting room, alone. Waiting for the door to open so she could be ushered in, for what she anticipated, would be an emotional beating. She studied her hands, her shoes, then back to the diamond ring on her finger. A pang of sadness surged through her as she looked at it. She wore it for hope. Not as a sign of the promises she made when he put it on her finger. But hope that someday, she would have her husband back.

As the emotions subsided, she looked at the door to the office and thought, even this was worth it, if she could have Castle back. The change in air pressure as the door opened was her first warning. It was time.

"Kate, what brings you back?"

She moved to the chair, and looked up, "I need help! I need someone to listen...who can maybe understand why I do...what I do. I need to find a way back to my husband."

"That's a lot."

"I know...I know."

"Tell me about...things."

She told him about Castle moving out. Giving her a ton of money, a new car and their former home. How he had moved to Staten Island, her visit with him, and that they had talked, for the first time in months.

"How do you feel about all the things he's given you? Do you think he's trying to get you back?"

She laughed, "No...it's him being fair, caring for me as he exits my life. He always told me...if it weren't for me, there would never have been a Nikki Heat, he thought of us as co-authors."

"Interesting. Do you resent the money? The home?"

"I don't care about the money or home...I care about him...I just want him back."

"Tell me how this all started."

"You know I told him I needed a..."

"A what Kate?"

"It sounds so stupid, so foolish now...a time out."

"Are you done with your time out?"

"You mean because...it's turned into a forever...time out?" She shook her head, "Yeah I'm done...but so is he...with me."

"Didn't you see that as a risk you took when you left?"

"Not really. I was trying to protect us, protect him from the people who killed the team from DC."

"But he doesn't see it that way?" The question clinical and neutral.

"He says...the hunt is a drug for me...calls me Wonder Woman. Says I throw everything away...treat people like trash...and get nothing in exchange...just...the rush of the hunt."

"What do think about that?"

"I thought we were at risk! These people, whoever they are, wiped out a whole team in just hours."

"How long did you think you'd be at risk?"

"Until they found me, found us."

"But you returned to your work at the 12th?"

She answered slowly, "Yes."

"So, how hard would it be to find you, working at the 12th everyday?"

"I thought they'd be more...covert."

"Were they covert with the DC team?"

"Not really."

"So how long, a day, a week?"

"I...I didn't know, when or where."

"Why didn't you go home Kate? Why stay away? Were you really just waiting for him to leave?"

"No, no...never, I just..."

Silence filled the room. Burke said nothing, just stared at her. And waited. When she didn't add anything, he did, "Did you enjoy the investigating?"

"Yes."

"More so than work? Don't you investigate all day in your normal day to day job?"

"Yes."

"Is the investigating different...you know...the night work?"

"Yes."

"Why is that?"

"The night work is more...intense, consuming, rewarding...urgent."

"Why are the two so different?"

"One is like...life and death, the other is..."

"Is what Kate?"

"It just makes me feel...whole."

"Whole?" He let the word float in the space between them, "Before your...investigation...you weren't whole?"

"That sounds..." He cut her off.

"Can you just answer yes or no?"

"I've never thought of it...like that."

He was quiet for a moment, "Tell me about your sleep?"

"What do mean?"

"When you investigate, do you sleep, as you normally do?"

"No, I sleep...less," She paused and added, "But I have more energy."

"Do you eat the same?"

"No, I eat less...and I've loss a few pounds."

"A few?"

"Ten or so."

"Did you need to lose weight?"

"No...I just don't eat...not very hungry...and Castle...Castle always reminded me... scolded me if I didn't."

"You sleep less, eat less and have more energy...that defies the laws of nature...you know that?"

She only nodded.

"And yet you feel...whole?" Another nod by the patient.

"And when you're whole...you don't need your marriage?"

"I want to be married." Sounding more defense than she meant to.

"That's not the question. When you're feeling whole, you don't need the marriage?"

"I was worried...I wanted him to be safe."

"One more time. When you feeling whole..."

"Yes and no. I just needed time away..."

"Kate, isn't that a yes? Yes...you don't need your marriage?"

She sat in silence and wondered why she was doing this. She was getting nowhere. She wasn't explaining things, and couldn't answer his questions. He interrupted her thoughts.

"In my notes, next to your the words, Detective Ryan, I have a question mark." She involuntarily took in a breath, "Tell me why after 10 years of working together, and you as his boss, did he suddenly resent your promotion to Captain?"

"I don't know."

"It doesn't add up. Was there something else?"

She nodded, "He found out I was investigating something connected to Bracken. He told me I was running at death, and he didn't want to see it happen again...said I'd pushed everyone away who would try to stop me...so there'd be no one to save me."

He listened and again let her words settle over them, "And how did you respond?"

"I didn't, but it made me mad."

"Why?"

"I don't know, I just didn't want to hear that from him."

"Anything else?"

She again was quiet. He waited.

Her voice was barely audible, "He said I was trampling on everything sacred...by walking out on Castle...said Castle had been willing to die for me...or with me, and I walked out on him...that turned my back on love." She paused, pushing aside an errant tear, "He said it scared him...made him doubt love, even his love for his wife."

Burke waited to make sure she was done with her confession. "That's different then, bucking authority isn't it?"

"Yes."

"Kate is any of your 'time out' about safety?"

"No."

"So what do want?"

"My husband...my life."

"And what about being whole?"

Her response was laced with bitterness, "I'm not whole!" She paused to wring her hands, "That feeling was gone within days, a week at the most. I kept telling myself it was for his good, for our good."

"So why did you stay away so long?"

"I want...it back."

"But, it's not coming back is it?" He had leaned forward, waiting for eye contact.

"No, just the darkness is back!" She looked up, her eyes wide and angry, "I told him to not fall in love with me...told him I was screwed up, selfish...but he wouldn't listen."

"Do you want him to go away, to stay away?"

"No, no...not at all! He is the only man I've ever loved, I need him...but I've wrecked us."

XX

The sun had set across the Washington Mall. The partners were seated in the opulent office. It was after work, most people had left. It was their time to be alone. Time to plan. To discuss and plot.

They had kept tabs on Captain Beckett and Mr. Singh. The Page Six stories had nearly brought the two out of the shadows. They both doubted if anyone would recognize Singh in New York, but they knew exactly who it was.

The younger spoke, "I've wondered if we should just have Beckett killed, along with her husband? That would end all this cat-and-mouse on Brackens behalf."

"I've wondered if we should do something completely the opposite."

"What does that mean?"

The older man leaned forward with his elbows on the desk, "Get them body guards. A watcher to keep them safe, is what that means."

"Why would you think that?"

"We've had two people chasing their tails for months. Going nowhere and finding nothing. Because, we have a good system to protect us. But there are just two of them. If anything happens to Beckett or Castle, after the DC team take down. We'll have the entire resources of the FBI poured out of us. They'll look under every rock until they find something. And don't forget they have the best personnel and equipment in the world on their side."

He leaned back in his chair and, placed his arms on the arm rests and folded his hands across his stomach. Then glared, "You really want to invite that down on our heads?"

The younger man shook his head, "It was just a thought."

"Well you need to think harder. Unless you have some secret desire to go to prison."

XX

After Burke, she returned to the loft. She was rung out, but her brain was in high gear. She had called Lanie on the drive home. Her friend had agreed to drop by.

Kate had told Charlie to send Lanie up. She heard a soft knock at the door.

"Hey Lanie, come in." After stepping in, she just stopped and turned around in a circle.

"Girl, this place is just unbelievable."

"Yeah, have a seat." She pointed at the sofa, "Red or white?"

"Red for me."

Beckett returned with two glasses of red wine. She sat one in front of Lanie and then plopped down on the opposite end of the sofa. She pulled her legs up and faced her friend.

"What's up Kate? You don't look so good."

"My life sucks."

"How can your life suck? Look at this place." Waving her arm around, like a presenter on TV. "Kate you've pretty much one won the lottery." She looked over at her friend, whose face was still long.

Beckett groaned, "Lanie, am I on self-destruct?"

The ME sat down her glass, "Why would you ask that?"

Beckett shook her head, "I'll take that as a yes."

"Wait, Kate, I'm in the dark. Tell me why your asking, and what this all means?"

"Castle thinks I'm a different me...that I'm stuck on some investigation high...wrecking my life..."

"When exactly did Castle tell you this?"

"I went out to Staten Island to see him."

Lanie rolled her eyes, "What is going Kate? I thought after the...papers...well I guess I assumed it was partly true. You've got everything a girl could ever need...money, a home, a new car...and a new job. Kate you're there." She could tell by her friends face, she was not there.

"Lanie, I don't care about any of this...without my husband...it all means nothing."

"Sweetie, I don't know what to think. I have no idea why you left him. No idea why Ryan quit or why you seem the so unhappy." She paused, "And yeah, it looks like self-destruction from over here."

"I have to do something to fix us, if it's not too late, I have to Lanie."

XX

Over the last ten days she'd seen Burke three times. During the third visit he made another deviation from his normal counseling process. It caught her off guard.

Without preamble, he started, "Several years ago I counseled a man who was a heroin addict. He had been arrested after it was discovered he'd been stealing his 79 year-old mothers Social Security checks, to buy drugs. In a session, he told me he needed the money more than she did. He said it was because the heroin, 'made him well.' When you told me that investigating on your own, and looking into possible links to your mom's death, made you 'whole'...it triggered the memory of that old case. Do you see the similarities?"

She hated this. Burke had been passive in his approach in the prior sessions, but now he both pushed or led her to the points he wanted her to focus on. Pushing her to name what had been really going on.

"No, I don't. I'm not stealing from someone." Her tone flat, but defensive.

"Do you think, Castle, or Ryan, or even Gates would agree?"

"No."

"Kate, isn't risk taking one of the signs of addictive behavior?"

"Of course, but I don't see the link."

"So you've put your relationship with your husband at risk, with Detective Ryan and with your job...all because of this investigation?"

"Yes," She huffed out the answer.

"Kate haven't you done this in the past?" He didn't wait for an answer, "You told me your decision to take the DC job had caused tremendous turmoil between you and Castle. What caused that problem?"

She slid down slightly in her chair, her voice sounded small, "I did it on my own...went outside our relationship and made the decision."

"Was Castle opposed to you taking the job?"

"No, not at all."

"But you decided it would be a problem for him?"

"Yeah."

"Between the DC job, and this current rift, what are the common denominators?"

She didn't answer at first. Thinking that if she had wanted a priest, she'd have gone to church, but instead, she gave in, "Me...communication."

"Communication?" He raised and eye-brow, "Or?"

"Excluding him..."

"But your saying in this investigation, its OK to exclude? That by excluding your husband, by taking these risks, you're made whole?"

The was a long silence. He had forced her into a corner, of her own making. She shook her head and mumbled, "I'm screwed!"

He leaned forward, thinking, finally, "No, you're not. You just need to see the problem. To face up to what puts you at risk...we can fix it, and then...mend some fences."

"I know."

XX

The staff meeting was planned for early on Friday morning. There was much to do, but Beckett wanted to take the time to review some important intel with the entire staff.

At the start of the meeting she asked everyone to turn off their cell phones, the meeting would take less than a half hour. It could wait.

She was five minutes into her presentation, when the phone buzzed in her pocket. At first she decided to ignore it, in light of her own admonition to the team. Instead she sat the phone on the table in front her and glanced down. Castle's face lit the screen. She stopped mid-sentence and held up her hand, "I have to take this."

She turned her back to the assembled group, "Beckett."

"Kate...it's me." She was overwhelmed with a surge of emotion, he had called her Kate, after days early telling her he would not do so.

"Hey," trying to sound light, flooding with relief by him just calling. Happy to hear his voice.

"Am I calling at a bad time?" She guessed he had picked up on her tension.

"No, no...what's up?"

"Can I drop by later today?"

"Yes, of course, what time?"

"Say 3:30?"

"I'll see you then." She felt the corners of her mouth pull, she suppressed the smile, and swung around to face the waiting group. Esposito had a sly smile on his voice when she looked over at him.

He seemed to always know when it was Castle, said he could read it in her shoulders. After the meeting, he made his way over to her and picked up a cup of coffee. As he held it almost to his lips he muttered, "So how's our boy?"

She turned to look at him, "What are you talking about?" Dishing her best blank stare.

He made a half turn to face her, "Castle, when he called during the meeting, how is he?"

"And why do you think that was Castle?" Trying to sound incredulous at the suggestion.

"Captain," He let out a small bark like laugh, "I don't think that was Castle...it was Castle." He smiled at her, devilishly, "You're entire body posture changes when he calls."

"He's fine." Now smiling at being caught, "He's dropping by later today."

"Good." He turned and headed for his desk.

XX

She felt him standing in the door way. She would not tell, but she'd been looking at her watch since 2:30. It had been a long hour. Every time the elevator dinged, her eyes had shot to the lobby. When he finally stepped out, she quickly averted them to her desk. And then waited.

"Knock, knock." His voice sounded almost normal to her.

"Hey Castle, come in." She pointed at the chair and walked over to shut the door. When she returned to her desk, she picked-up her cell phone and placed it in her desk drawer.

He watched as she moved, it made his stomach flutter. He wished she didn't have that effect on him. He had coached himself from Staten Island to the 12th, practicing, rehearsing his words, steeling his heart. Beckett placing the phone in her desk had not gone unnoticed. In less than one minute he found himself struggling, but pressed on. "I've been thinking about Lokstat, and the bomb that nearly blew us both up."

She leaned forward in her chair, planted her elbows, folded her hands and placing her chin on them, "I...I don't see the connection. What are you thinking?"

Now he leaned towards her desk, "When we've been stuck on that case, the bomb case, and many others, what do you often ask me?"

She leaned back and slanted her head towards the ceiling, "How would you write it?"

"Exactly. We figured out the bomb, by where he had placed the plate in his apartment. It was in the wrong spot..."

"Which led us to his son." Castle nodded. "So what does that have to do with Lokstat?"

"If it were a story, it makes no sense. Everything is wrong."

"Why is Bracken having partners, wrong? Why would them chasing loose ends be wrong?"

"Because what has happened, is not about loose ends."

"You don't think, me knowing, or the search request that led to the memo...as well as all those deaths, weren't loose ends?"

"You've stood in the forest and looked at a tree, or rock formation, something...and then moved, changed your vantage point and realized something equally beautiful was right behind it...but you hadn't focused on it...until you moved."

"I'm not following Castle."

"Two things were happening. The first was to end the DC teams search...say it came to light when the response to your inquiry popped up. But the rest..."

"What do mean ...the rest."

"The you at risk idea...was never the point. It was never real."

"You make it sound like I've been chasing a ghost. Castle, just tell what you're taking about."

"You busted Bracken almost two years ago. Kate Beckett has always been a known factor. Everyone knows where you work, where you live, where you buy your coffee and where we do week-ends in the Hamptons." He paused to let things sink in. "What do they tell diplomats in hostile countries, about their daily routines?"

"Always deviate. Don't create a pattern...it makes you an easy target."

"Have you deviated from where you eat lunch? Get coffee? Or arrive at work?"

"No."

"Kate, if someone wanted to take you out...it would a piece cake...just one shot outside Starbucks, and you're gone."

"I understand...but I don't understand your point."

"You've been a known factor to Bracken and his partners...for years. If they wanted you...wanted me, it would be...beyond easy."

"Yeah yeah, I get that."

"After you busted Bracken, do you think his partners just sat back and hoped their multi-million dollar empire would be OK?"

"Of course not."

"Precisely. I bet they started working on erasing things, building firewalls...insulating themselves...before you threw their partner into the slammer."

She swiveled her chair back and forth, ponder, thinking, "So...why all this dark net, black SUV swat action, against the DC team?"

"It's not the point...the point of this exercise...is you!"

She spun back to face him, "Me?"

"It's all about you...all about doing you, and...death without death."

"Castle...dammit, stop the riddles...tell me what you mean."

"Bracken tells you at the prison, you're dead, because of Lokstat. I call that...the bait. He then tells me, she'll never be satisfied with you, more bait. Which both of us swallowed."

"Oh no! Oh no..." Her face looking horrified.

"What? What's wrong."

Her answer sounded like she was reading from an old file, trying to put things together. "Singh intercepted a call months ago...talking about bait...that she'd swallowed the boat...the writer was overboard...and someone was laughing in hell."

"In my story," He looked at her and shook his head, "Bracken wanted your life destroyed...but you alive...he wanted you to create your own living hell."

Beckett groaned, "You're telling me...this was scripted...and Bracken is reeking havoc, in my life...from hell?"

He sat for a few minutes, as she ran the weeks and months through her head. He saw the rigidity set into her shoulder and neck. She was about to snap.

"Beckett." It was as though she didn't hear him, he spoke louder,"Hey, it's only a theory. I just want you to think about it."

It took a few minutes for her to calm. He thought he had said enough. He tried to moved to lighter topics, but he could tell her focus had shifted to the world of her secret investigation, the months spent and the damage done. She drifted in an out of the conversation and then slipped into silence.

"Beckett, I have to go. I have some work and then a dinner meeting at Black Pawn."

She looked at him, and already saw things differently. It was his take on the story, it was was beginning to make sense. She sensed despair and sadness wash over her, but pushed it down, "Castle, thanks for coming by."

"You bet."

She sat alone for awhile and did more re-runs of the events since Singh had called in late September. The decisions she had made, the consequences that followed. The words of Bracken, taunting her. Then the damning words of Rita, about Beckett's demons and the blood that would flow. How it had all worked against her. She had feared actual blood, but the irony was, the blood was from the substance of her life. A husband, gone. Ryan, gone. Her job in jeopardy. Rook, her husband's source of living, dead. It all came down to her, playing her role, according to some perverse and unseen script from the author of her mothers murder.

Her father had told her he couldn't go to hell, because he was all ready there. All the events suggested, she had taken her place, in her own private hell. People teased that they'd rather go to hell with all their friends, than to heaven. Well she was in hell, and there were no friends, there was no laugher, no hope, no life, just pain. This, had to stop.

XX

As he crossed the bridge heading home, he yawned. The meeting had gone longer than he'd expected. He hated meetings. It seemed to him they could stretch a fifteen minute discussion into a two-hour talk-a-thon. He didn't want to know what everyone thought. It was his book, not theirs.

Beckett had called and left a message, she needed to talk to him. She said it was important but he wasn't up to returning the call. He do so in the morning.

When he pulled up to the house, he took a deep breath. The Mercedes SUV was in the circle drive, near the front entry. It looked like it had been there for a while. The light rain he'd been driving in, had coated all the windows, but the engine was running.

He parked his car and walked up to the drivers window. Beckett had the seat back, she looked like she was sleeping. He stepped away from the car and sent her a text, he wasn't sure how she'd respond if he tapped on the window. Her phone lite up on the dashboard. He saw her sit up. "I'm here, didn't want to scare you."

She turned off the engine and the door swung open. She stepped out, but didn't turn to look at him. She hit the lock button on the fob.

"Beckett, it's late, I didn't know you were coming out."

Without a word, she walked over to him, put her arms around his waist and laid her head on his chest. He in turn, without a thought, instinctively put his arms across her back.

"Castle, I'm so sorry." He could feel her shudder against his chest.


A/N - Always good hearing from you. Thanks for following this story. More updates soon...clocks a ticking. Castle returns in just 6 days.