I fell into a pattern of Uni and Phil. I would wake up and go to class and then as soon as the day was over, I would head on over to Phil's house where we would do nothing but play videos games and just goof off. I found myself falling too easily for Phil and it was scaring me slightly.
I found myself often sitting beside Phil on the couch forgetting about everything else that wasn't Phil as he leaned into my as he laughed, that wasn't Phil's tongue as it stuck out when he laughed or that wasn't the way that Phil didn't look at me with contempt or pity but rather friendship and affection. Phil had given me something that I had craved all my life and now I was finding myself craving something even more.
As me and Phil sat on his couch one afternoon, sick of playing videos games and sick of watching TV, Phil pulled me down to rest my head on his lap. I felt my heart skip a beat and groaned internally, telling myself that I wasn't going to let myself have feelings for my only friend.
"Dan," Phil's eyes locked with mine and I got lost in them, cheesy so cheesy but literally I could look into his eyes for hours on end if I had the chance. "Do you ever wonder about where we would be right now if everything had gone differently?" I nodded slightly, looking away from him. I had thought about that every night for the past couple weeks since Phil and I had started hung out. "Me too, but you know something I'm just glad that we had the chance to start hanging out now, we were actually given the chance to get to know each other like we should have been able to." I felt a pang of guilt in my stomach at Phil's words considering it was my fault.
"I'm sorry." I whispered the words not wanting to break our peaceful, blissful quiet. Phil sighed and shook his head, his eyes turning slightly sad giving me the impression that I did something wrong.
"Dan, stop please. It wasn't your fault. I completely understand why you did what you did and have forgiven you a long time ago, now you need to try and do the same. What's in the past is in the past." Phil lifted up his hand and placed it on my cheek, making my face heat up instantly, my body tingle and my mind go fuzzy. I nodded slightly, waiting for what was about to happen, if anything was about to happen. I could swear that Phil was moving closer, just as I was about to move up to meet him, the door swung open and Melissa rushed into the room, her smile fading as she saw me and Phil together on the couch.
"Um what is going on here?" Phil pushed me off of him gently and stood up to meet his girlfriend. I watched as Phil went to her open arms and Melissa stepped back, making me roll my eyes.
"Melissa, clearly me and Dan are just friends, we were just hanging out. Come on baby, you know how I feel about you." I tried not to let that hurt me as Melissa pursed her lips and after looking at me stepped forward to kiss her boyfriend, keeping her eyes locked on mine after they did. I felt a pang of jealously in my stomach and reminded myself that Phil was straight and he and Melissa were together and I would just have to get over it. Melissa sat down on the couch beside me leaving no room beside me for Phil, separating us like I knew she wanted.
"Shouldn't you be going on your way now?" Melissa whispered as Phil came to the couch, making me roll my eyes at her. She knew fully well that within 5 minutes I would have left due to the fact that I couldn't stand her and Phil together. As soon as Phil sat down on the couch, Melissa cuddled up to him, nuzzling her face into his neck making him laugh slightly. I was out of there in 2 and a half minutes, making some excuse about tons of homework.
As I walked back to my dorm, my mind was full of Phil, his mouth so close to mine. I knew that Phil and I would never ever be together, but I could dream couldn't I?
The next day as I exited my class, ready to head over to Phil's house, I saw a sight that made my stomach turn cold. She was waiting for me leaning up against the side of the building. Her eyes cold and manipulative, sending slight shivers up my spine. When she saw me, she pushed herself off the wall and made her way over to me.
"Melissa." I said with no hint of emotion in my voice, making it as harsh as I could. She smiled a cold smile, which twisted her features to look even scarier than they already were.
"Dan." She was standing so close that I could feel her breath on my face. Her eyes were blaring with something that I couldn't quite understand.
"What do you want?" I spat out, her presence just putting me in a bad mood. She rolled her eyes and sighed, shaking her head as she did.
"I know about your little crush." She emphasized crush, making it sound condescending. "You realize that he is straight right?" I laughed slightly.
"Who are you trying to convince, me or you?" She laughed a merciless laugh and returned to her stony façade. "And I don't have a crush on Phil." She laughed again, a little louder this time and rolled her eyes yet again.
"Mhmm is that why you were all over him yesterday? I could see what you were thinking and guess what honey? He doesn't swing your way. Sorry. He's mine remember? And just in case you forgot you have something down there that he doesn't want, so sorry to break your little fantasy but stay away." I laughed, keeping my eyes locked on hers.
"Or what? What are you going to do if I don't?" I raised one eyebrow, trying to look as scary as I possibly could. But on the inside, I was going crazy. How could this girl who I barely even saw possibly know how I felt about Phil?
"Well I could always tell him why you were made of fun of when you were in high school? Was it because you're gay Dan?" She put on a fake innocent voice, her eyes going wide like this was the first time she had heard this news. "Do you think that he will really want to hang out with a faggot? I don't think so. So either you stay away or I tell him and you loose your one and only friend. It's your choice." I couldn't help but feeling dizzy, Phil couldn't find out. She walked away laughing, turning around one last time before she said "It's your choice." Without warning, I yelled after her.
"Maybe you should ask your boyfriend why he is still with you. Ask him for the honest answer because he doesn't love you, never has and never will. Ask him Melissa." She didn't turn around, but I saw her stop slightly in her tracks before shaking her head and continued walking. I felt my breathing start to stagger and I started to get dizzy, scared of what would happen if Melissa were to actually tell Phil, my world would be over. Not that it wasn't already over considering I still wasn't allowed to see Phil due to the threat. Either way I had lost Phil. Phil was going to hate me when I stopped texting him back and I stopped going over, he was going to think that I had abandoned him all over again, right after I had found him again. Instead of walking over to meet Phil like I wanted to, I pulled out my phone and shot over a text to Phil making up an excuse and walking over to my room, ready to start my old habits again. I told Phil that I was sick and was just going to go back and sleep, which wasn't a complete lie since her threat was making my stomach twist and turn with nerves.
My dream was full of unrest and uncertainty, even in my sleep I was afraid of what Melissa could do to me and slowly over the next couple weeks, I started loosing sleep due to the guilt I was feeling for ignoring Phil's texts, still saying that I was sick. I knew that Phil wasn't buying it, but I couldn't have Phil find out about my sexuality. After three weeks of saying that I was still sick, I heard a knock on my door. I groaned in my half-sleep and rolled out of bed, walking over to the door and swinging it open. My heart fluttered and my stomach dropped all at the same time as I opened the door to a smiling Phil, holding with what looked to be a soup container.
"May I come in?" His voice shocked me out of my trance and I moved over slightly to allow him to enter my room. I shut the door and walked to sit on my bed, pulling my legs underneath me as I stared at Phil's face. "So how are you feeling?" I shrugged my shoulders, knowing how rude I was being, but I couldn't afford to break down. "I brought you some chicken noodle soup to make you feel better." He smiled handing me the Styrofoam cup and a spoon. I thanked him and opened up the container, just the smell of the soup made my stomach rumbling, making me realize that I hadn't had anything to eat yet. I grabbed the spoon in my hand and slurped a spoonful, making a noise of pure bliss making Phil laugh slightly. After what felt like a couple of minutes, Phil spoke, not letting his eyes meet mine. "What's really been wrong Dan? I know that you haven't been sick for three weeks." I sighed and shook my head, knowing that I couldn't answer truthfully. "Dan please don't do this to me again." I felt my heart almost break at the way that Phil spoke, like he was on the verge of tears.
"I'm so sorry Phil, I," My voice broke slightly and I looked away from Phil's heartbroken face. "I, I think you should go." Phil's eyes were wide as he looked at me in confusion.
"But Dan-" Phil started, his voice sounding so vulnerable.
"I can't tell you Phil and I think it would just be best for both of us if you just left, so go home to Melissa." I said her name with the slightest of contempt making sure that Phil wouldn't be able to hear how much I hated her for breaking what I had just rebuilt. "Please Phil." I didn't meet his eyes and I made sure that my voice was soft enough for him to hear but I made sure that my voice didn't crack and show Phil how hard this was for me to do. I felt Phil get off the bed and walk slowly to do the door, the door creaked open and I heard Phil whisper goodbye before the door shut and I allowed myself to break. The tears streamed down my face as I curled up into a ball and allowed myself to deteriorate, loosing the one and only person in your life will do that to you.
AN: HELLLLO! I'm sorry just dont hate me please! (: I'm sorry for how short this was but with back to school and everything, i've been super busy and like i havent had any motivation to write but i did yay! So i'm hoping that ill have a lot more time to right considering this semester in school i have writers craft meaning my writing hopefully will get beetter! (yay!) SO i have some ideas of where this is going but if you have any ideas of what you want to happen let me know! (: Thank so much!
