She held tightly to his back as he made his final thrusts, grunting and groaning and finally the sounds of relief as he stiffened and filled her once again, the intensity as well as the frequency of their love making having increased considerably since he'd asked her to move in with him. It had been almost a month since he'd asked her to share his home with him and while he and Sam weren't making a lot of progress his relationship with Kate continued to thrive. He seemed to want her constantly and being wanted like that was always a turn on for her, as well as hope that he might actually be falling for her. She knew that making that much progress would take awhile, not because he wasn't feeling something very strong for her, but because him understanding that and actually coming to grips with what it meant would be quite a journey for him. It made her sad to consider what kind of lonely and loveless childhood Jack must've had in order for him to have become an adult who was completely closed off and out of touch with his emotions.
He moved off of her and rolled heavily on to his back, ready to welcome her into his arms when they heard the knock on the door.
"Kate, I'm so hungry, can I please eat now?" Sam begged.
Kate nudged Jack.
"Go back to bed Sam." Jack replied sternly.
"I'm not talking to you! Please Kate, I'm starving." Sam whined.
They could hear him lying down in front of the door, his feet lightly kicking it as he continued to whine and eventually began to cry.
"Kate that's pitiful. I don't think he should have to go to sleep hungry." Jack whispered.
"Jack, he's not starving. He had a good lunch and a snack before you got home. He'll be fine until breakfast." Kate argued.
"Maybe he could have a bowl of cereal. Something so his stomach won't be so empty." Jack suggested.
"Jack, he purposely dumped a plate of spaghetti into your lap and then dared you to make him go to his room. You made him go to bed and you have to stick with that punishment. It was a fair punishment. He won't starve, come on you're a doctor, you know that." Kate whispered and kissed him softly.
"I'm sorry, I can't do this Kate. Children should never go to bed hungry. They should never feel that isolated." He said and moved out of the bed.
She didn't argue with him. What he'd just said was a statement and not a guess as to how Sam might be feeling. It was personal knowledge of what it felt like to be sent to bed hungry so she let him go, let him make sure his son never knew that kind of isolation. She watched him pull his jeans on and then open the door, reaching down and picking Sam up and then closing the door. She could hear Jack talking to him and smiled.
"Are you going to dump your dinner in my lap again?" Jack asked.
"It was an accident." Sam said.
"Sam, we all make bad choices, but lying about it only makes it worse. You did it on purpose because you're angry with me. Right?" Jack coaxed.
"I don't know why." Sam whined in frustration.
"Okay, come on I'll make you a sandwich or something." Jack said.
"No! I want Kate to do it!" Sam yelled and fought to get out of Jacks arms.
"Kate's in bed. It's late Sam. You either let me make you something to eat or you can go back to bed." Jack said sternly.
Sam stopped fighting him and sat quietly at the bar in the kitchen while Jack made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He set the sandwich and cup of milk in front of the boy and watched, his patience wearing thin as the child continued to misbehave. He watched Sam poke his fingers into the bread and tear out small chunks, squishing them in his fingers and then dropping them onto the plate.
"Don't play with it Sam, eat it." Jack said.
"It's yucky, I wanted purple jelly." Sam whined.
"That is grape jelly Sam." Jack sighed.
"It's not the right kind, make me a different one." Sam said and pushed the plate at Jack, tipping over the cup of milk and pushing Jack's final button.
He snatched the boy off the barstool and carried him to his bedroom kicking and screaming. He put him in his bed, smacking his head on the upper bunk in the process and adding more fuel the anger he was trying desperately to contain. Sam immediately climbed back out of his bed, standing on the other side of the room and challenging Jack to do anything about it. Jack closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath.
"Get back in bed Sam." Jack told him.
"No, I hate that bed! It's stupid! You're stupid!" Sam yelled.
"Fine, sleep on the floor then." Jack said and approached him with a pillow and a blanket.
He waited for Sam to lay down and covered him with the blanket.
"We're done Sam. If you get up again you're going to be in trouble." Jack said.
"You're not my daddy." Sam hissed defiantly.
"Yes, I am." Jack said calmly.
"I hate you. I wish you died instead of mommy." Sam told him, his bottom lip quivering and losing his battle to keep from crying.
"I wish I could bring her back for you Sam." Jack spoke softly to him.
Sam rolled onto his side, ignoring Jack, punishing him, and as much as Jack was trying not to let it get him, it was. He finally stood and left the room and rejoined Kate. She snuggled up next to him and he wrapped his arm around her.
"How'd it go?" She asked.
"It didn't. He's still hungry and miserable." Jack sighed.
Kate was about to say something when they heard Sam outside their door again, laying on the floor whimpering.
"Kate, will you please see if you can settle him down? It's late, he's tired and hungry and just needs someone to comfort him and that someone isn't me." Jack asked completely frustrated.
"Jack, you can't give into this. I know he's been traumatized and misses his mother, but he has to know that what you say goes and that he can't run to me to undo everything you've done." Kate reasoned.
"Kate please, I can't deal with this anymore tonight. He hates me and he's afraid of me and he's just a little boy that shouldn't have to feel so alone. Please, go to him, do what you do, make him feel better." Jack pleaded with her.
Kate wasn't sure whose pleas were getting to her more, Jack's or Sam's. She moved off the bed, put a robe on and left the bedroom to settle the child down. She returned about 20 minutes later and snuggled back in beside him.
"Is he okay?" Jack asked.
"Sound asleep." Kate answered.
"I wanted to hit him Kate." Jack admitted.
"Jack, don't…." Kate tried to stop him.
"No, I did. When he dumped that glass of milk over I wanted to beat his ass all the way into the bedroom." Jack explained.
"But you didn't. You think you're the only parent that has wanted to spank their child?" Kate asked.
"He's doesn't mean to be bad Kate, he's just so angry. He's so small and helpless and I don't want to be the kind of adult that would hit a child. I never wanted to be a father Kate and this is why." Jack told her, his tone so frustrated and full of regret.
"Well that's too bad Jack because you are a father. I understand you're frustrated, but instead of beating yourself up for feeling a perfectly natural reaction to a child's bad behavior try patting yourself on the back for not acting on your emotions." She said.
"Pat myself on the back having enough restraint not to bully and whip a six year old? You should be kicking my ass for entertaining the idea." He grumbled, perfectly content to beat himself up.
"Can I ask you something?" She asked.
"I guess." He answered.
"Were you close to your parents?" Kate asked.
"No." He answered, followed by a quick "Goodnight Kate", which was his way of letting her know that topic of conversation was closed.
Jack's reaction to the difficult time he'd been having with Sam during their second month as father and son wasn't the least bit positive. He started coming home from work later and later each day, bringing work home with him or feigning exhaustion, anything to avoid interacting with Sam. Sam's reaction to being ignored was to withdraw, no longer attempting to get Jack's attention through positive or negative means. Nearly four months had passed and the gap between Sam and Jack was as wide as it had ever been, Sam still referring to him as Jack on the rare occasion he looked to him for anything and Kate had become the parent to Sam, the one he went to for everything, the adult he trusted to love him and keep him safe.
Kate's relationship with Jack remained exciting and strong in the bedroom, but seemed to have stalled on an emotional level. He seemed to care very much about her and his sexual appetite for her was insatiable, sometimes making love repeatedly throughout the night, leaving both of them exhausted the next day, but unable to keep their hands off one another the following night. It was a lot of sex and it was very good, but sex was all there was between them and it was beginning to feel like their relationship was sinking into a nothingness, a hole of sorts that she believed would swallow them eventually if what she was getting from Jack emotionally was the best he had to offer. They rarely spent time together just talking or just being together. That he seemed okay with the fact that he'd all but given up on Sam and was comfortable with letting her assume all responsibility for the boy was allowing feelings of resentment toward to him to fester and she knew she had do something or the end results were going to be disastrous.
He entered the bedroom quietly. It was close to midnight, but she was awake. She sat up and turned the light on.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He said.
"You didn't, I was waiting up for you." She said.
"Mmm…lucky me." He teased.
"I waited up so we could talk Jack." She sighed heavily.
"Kate, I know I've been working a lot lately, but things have been crazy." He lied and sat on the bed.
"Jack just stop it, you've been working a lot so you can avoid Sam. You work all day and half the night, come home, screw me and start over fresh the next day. On the evenings when you are home you're buried in some file or trying hard to get buried inside of me. Is this good for you? Is this a life?" She asked completely frustrated with him.
"It's a life, but not the one you had planned I take it." He answered.
"Jack, you asked me if I would do what had to be done if you weren't what Sam needs. If this is it, the best you have to offer that child then you're going to force me to do what has to be done. I'm not his mother Jack and I resent that you've forced that role on me." She complained.
"Forced? You practically begged for it Kate and now that you've got it, you don't want it? What is this really about Kate?" He asked.
"What do you mean?" She asked.
"I come home and screw you? I can be pretty out of touch Kate, but when a woman says something like that to me it typically means I'm not giving her what she needs. What do you want? Are you looking for some kind of commitment from me?" Jack asked.
"I want you to commit to being a father to your son Jack because nothing else is more important than that right now. Regardless of what happens between you and me, that little boy is going to be your son for the rest of your life." She pressed, not sure how to get through to him anymore.
"I don't know how to be a father to him Kate and he doesn't want me to be his father." Jack sighed.
"He's six years old Jack, he just wants to feel safe, secure and loved and yes, he does want that from you." Kate told him.
"I don't know how to do that." He said.
"Yes, you do Jack, you're just afraid to let yourself love that little boy, but more importantly you're afraid to let him love you. It's my fault. I've provided you the out you needed. Sam is safe and content with me, therefore you feel less guilty and have stopped trying." Kate said.
"No Kate, you've been great. Whatever is screwed up here is my fault." He argued.
"Of course you're to blame too Jack, but it's because I've allowed you to rely on me and be your crutch that you and Sam haven't made any progress. I allowed my feelings for you to cloud my judgment. Sam has to be my top priority, not you and not us." Kate told him.
"What are you saying?" He asked.
"I'm saying that we can't continue like this Jack. I need to move back into my own house and be Sam's advocate, not his mother. I'll help you find a good, reliable nanny so that he can continue to have structure and stability, but Jack you have to do the rest. He starts school in less than two weeks. If I were you I'd find a way to take some time off from your job, spend some quality time with him and prepare him for everything that is overwhelming and scary about the first day of school in a brand new school." Kate said.
He was quiet for a long time. He'd broken off relationships with women more times than he could count and while it was never something he enjoyed he always managed to just walk away and never look back, but this was different. He not only couldn't just walk away he was having a hard time remembering to breathe at the moment.
"Kate, I don't want you to move out." He finally spoke, the place that he had to go to in order to deliver that honest statement so difficult for him she could hear the emotional struggle in his voice.
"Jack, I know the idea of it just being you and Sam again scares you, but….." She tried to argue.
"No, it's not that. I'll figure something out for Sam so you can focus on your job again and I'll make more time for us." He said.
"Jack, I wasn't complaining or hinting. This isn't even about us." Kate said.
"It is about us and it needs to be about us. Sam shouldn't be your top priority he should be my top priority. He doesn't need you to be his advocate he just needs me to be his father." Jack argued.
"Jack, you can't declare you're suddenly going to be father of the year just to keep me from moving out. I'm sure your heart is in the right place, but your promising to be a great dad isn't going to change my mind. We have to put us aside and focus on Sam. He is the only thing that matters." Kate insisted.
"No he isn't. You matter to me Kate and maybe I didn't know that until just now and I probably don't treat you like you matter, but you do. Do I matter to you?" Jack asked.
"Are you serious?" Kate asked giving him a look that suggested he must be the most clueless individual on the planet.
"What?" He asked.
"Do you matter to me? Do you seriously not know the answer to that? Do my feelings for you not come through loud and clear every time we make love? God Jack, I'm in love with you and we both know I shouldn't be." Kate told him.
"Why not?" He asked.
"Because you're never going to return my love." She sighed.
"I'm not?" He asked, his simple one and two word comments in the form of questions beginning to piss her off.
"No Jack you're not and you know it, but that's not the point. Stop changing the subject. We're talking about what is best for Sam." Kate insisted.
"I'm not the expert here Kate, but I hardly see how you suddenly removing yourself from Sam's daily routine could be in any way what's best for him. You don't want to be his mom and I understand that, but you can still be his friend can't you?" Jack asked.
"I never said I didn't want to be his mother, I said I resented you putting me in that role as a way of shirking your responsibilities. Instead of us working together as a team, you've just gotten comfortable with me being his new parent while you continue to avoid bonding with him. It's crap Jack and the only way you're ever going to stop doing it is if I'm not living here where it's so easy for you to let me take on your parenting responsibilities." Kate said.
"You're right Kate, I've been a complete failure where Sam is concerned, but have I been a complete failure where you're concerned?" He asked.
"Not a complete failure." She answered, biting back a grin that didn't go unnoticed by him.
He let go of a breathy laugh, able to find the humor in his shortcomings, but more of a relief, hoping that perhaps he was going to be able to change her mind.
"Kate, I know that you are genuinely concerned about Sam, but this threatening to move out isn't about him, it's about us or me not giving you what you need. I'm trying Kate and I could give you a list of women that would testify to the fact that I don't try." Jack continued to plead his case.
"So why are you supposedly trying now? What besides the addition of Sam makes what we have any different than what you had with all those women you didn't want to try with?" She asked, her doubt stinging him in places he wasn't aware existed.
"I never felt like I needed whatever I had going on with them, not even with Sam's mother. She thought that I would've married her out of some sense of responsibility if I'd known she was pregnant, but she really didn't know me at all Kate because I wouldn't have. I would've taken care of them financially, but I still would've left her and my baby behind and moved to Los Angeles." He admitted.
"Is that supposed to make me feel better about us Jack? What kind of man would knowingly ignore his own child?" Kate asked.
"The kind of man that knows that his son would be better off without him around to constantly disappoint him." Jack sighed.
"That's a copout Jack and you know it, just like your believing you didn't need anything those women had to offer was nothing more than you running scared, too afraid to let yourself feel anything that might be real." Kate scoffed.
"No, that's not true Kate, if it were I'd be running from you instead of trying to convince you to stay." He defended himself.
"What does that mean Jack?" Kate asked.
"Kate I know what you want, need and deserve to hear from me, but I can't say it, won't say it unless I'm sure that's what I'm feeling. Right now, today I can look you in the eyes and promise you that my wanting you here with me has nothing to do with needing you to take care of Sam. I want you here because I need you. I need this and I want this and does that mean I'm in love with you? I don't know the answer to that Kate because I don't know what love is supposed to feel like." Jack explained.
"Oh Jack, you make my heart break sometimes. It's tragic that such a kind and caring man was obviously never loved when it mattered the most." Kate said his heartfelt confession delivered with a genuine sincerity in his eyes putting a lump in her throat
"Don't. Don't feel sorry for me. I don't want your pity and I don't deserve it. I've had a good life and have been afforded all the best opportunities. All I'm asking from you is some patience because I am trying here Kate. I'm working harder at this than I have ever worked at any relationship. I know I need to put the same effort into my relationship with my son and I have no good excuse for why I don't." He told her.
"Maybe because deep down you want to be a good father so bad that failing at that isn't something you can handle so when things aren't going well you just opt to ignore the situation entirely." Kate offered.
"Maybe, although I can't recall ever having any desire to be a father, good or bad." Jack admitted.
"Perhaps that is because like you said, you felt like you'd be a disappointment so you just never let it be something you wanted in your life, but none of that matters now Jack because you have six year old son that needs you to love and nurture him and I believe you can if you'll just relax and let what lives inside of you, what comes instinctively to you open its arms and welcome every bit of love that little boy wants to give you." Kate pushed, wanting desperately for him to believe in himself as much as she did.
"I'm going to try Kate. I promise this time I will be more mature than the six year old and try to build something with him. I will also figure out a better situation for Sam. Maybe I can find some kind of fun after school type of activity where they'll look after him, but keep him busy. I'll figure something out, but Kate my wanting you here isn't about Sam, it's about you and only you." Jack said moving closer and drawing her into a deep, wet passionate kiss.
She had no resistance when it came to Jack. She could see past all of his faults and beyond the emotional barriers and she liked what was there, actually she was completely in love with what was there and he'd just managed to fill a bit of the hole that was in their relationship. It wasn't a love declaration, but it was sincere and heartfelt. He laid her back onto the bed and she pulled out of the kiss, her arms still wrapped around his neck and gazing into his eyes. She rolled them over so that she was sitting on top of him, her hands slowly unbuttoning his shirt. There was no doubt they were about to make love, but she was determined to keep him talking while he was being so open and honest.
"There is something I want to ask you Jack and I want an honest answer." She said softly as she continued to undress him.
"Okay." He agreed.
"Did your parents abuse you?" She asked.
"No, that would've required them to acknowledge my existence." Jack answered, his tone flat with no hint of resentment, just acceptance.
"Who sent you to bed hungry Jack? Who whipped you?" Kate asked tapping back into the issues he'd encountered with Sam that had distressed him so much he'd all but thrown in the towel on building a relationship with him.
"What makes you think…….." He started, attempting to avoid the question, stopped by her kissing him softly and hugging him.
"You promised me honesty Jack." She said softly, laying a gentle palm on his face before sliding down and working on unfastening his pants.
"I had a few different nannies when I was a kid, none of them as charming and fun as Mary Poppins. I can remember being about Sam's age and walking into my dad's office and finding my nanny bent over his desk getting her monthly bonus I guess. He yelled at me and made her take me out of the room. She took me to my room, whipped me with a belt and made me stay there for the rest of the day and night, no lunch, no dinner, nothing. She did that a lot, especially when she was upset with my dad." Jack told her.
"I'm sorry Jack. Did your parents ever find out?" She asked.
"Nah, but they did send me away to boarding school when I was eleven and I managed to get three squares a day and the best education money can buy." Jack said.
"So you only saw your parents on holidays and in the summer?" Kate asked.
"No, my mom left us when I was seven and my dad really didn't want to be bothered with me so he sent me on group trips through the school during the holidays and to summer camps during the summer. My dad showed up for bragging rights when I graduated medical school, but I haven't seen or spoken to either one of them in years." Jack said his voice completely void of any emotion good or bad.
"I'm sorry about the tacky 'daddy hittin the nanny' comments I made when I first agreed to help with Sam." Kate apologized, his small reveal about his childhood making so much that had gone on between them make sense.
"It's not a big deal Kate, it's not something I dwell on." Jack sighed.
"Maybe not consciously, but your reluctance to hire a live-in nanny is an indication that those things are still with you. We'll make sure Sam gets taken care of, you and me, no nanny." She told him and lowered her face into the opening she'd created in his pants.
He pulled her up toward him gently, patiently waiting for her to slither her way up, teasing and taunting and rubbing along the way. He smiled at her and rolled her onto her back, closing his mouth over hers and kissing her slowly, his tongue finding hers and hungrily deepening the connection, hearing her moan and feeling her squirming below him. He pulled out of the kiss, brushing the wild curls away and staring deeply, intensely into her eyes.
"Tonight it's all about you and Kate, just so you know, I could never leave you behind whether you were pregnant or not." He said softly, easily the sweetest, most committed words he'd ever spoken to her.
