Deadpool's POV
{We better wake up, this dickwad is mackin' on our girl!}
I slowly sat up with a groan, holding onto my masked head. As my vision slowly cleared and my hearing returned, I viewed Harley and the pale as shit, creep-o clown with bright ass green hair talking, well no…yelling, at one another.
"Ya don't OWN me! Whenayah gonna get that through yer thick skull?! It…is…OVER," she bellowed as she planted her hands firmly on her hips.
I slowly stood to my feet, the distress my ditzy damsel was currently spewing gave me adrenaline enough to get over the fact that one of the creepiest fucking clowns I've ever seen was two feet away from me. I slowly began to creep up behind the ass-clown.
"Harl…sweetheart, we just needed a bit of time apart! You and me, we're like an axe and murder, they just make sense!" the clown stammered and then it suddenly dawned on me.
%Wait a minute…didn't she mention something about a crazy, psycho ex-boyfriend being here?%
I audibly gasped as I put my hands to my masked mouth. The clown whipped around to look at me with a scowl. I pointed to the clown and used my other hand to shield my mouth as if that would keep him from hearing what I was going to ask Harley.
"Harley…your crazy, psycho ex is a fucking clown?!" I loudly whispered as she gave me a nervous laugh and a half smile.
"Yeees?" she answered and I gripped my masked skull with both of my hands, paced a moment or two and then took four long strides forward. I pointed behind me at the clown while leaning forward into Harley's face.
"You've had a clown pecker….in…side you?" I asked with a shutter and she crossed her arms over her chest and made a psh sound with her mouth.
%Psh? Why is she pshing?%
"Barely…," Harley answered.
%Oooooh…BURN!%
I left out the loudest most obnoxious laugh possible as I turned to face the clown, pointing sternly at his creepy ass face. He was trying his hardest to ignore my purposely annoying noise as he looked at his fingers and idly pretended to pick at his cuticles with a roll of the eyes.
"Harl, please tell me you aren't actual with this raging imbecile," the clown said as his eyes suddenly attempted to cut into my very soul. Harley crossed her arms over her chest, looking up to the ceiling as if trying to contemplate an answer to this question.
"Well, not exa-," she started to say and oh no, there was NO way I was letting her let this freakshow have any bout of fucking satisfaction, so I cut her off.
"And what if she is?" I said crossing my arms over my chest, taking a firm stance in front of him. This was an odd feeling, a feeling like I wanted to be the Kevin Costner to Harley's, Whitney Houston ala The Bodyguard. Or the fucking Robin Hood to her Maid Marian!
%We are so fucking whipped!%
"Well then I'd have to kill you…more than likely, slowly and oh so very painfully," the clown said as he stepped closer to me, actually daring to put his nose inches from my own.
{How are we not shitting our pants right now? We HATE clowns!}
%Because our dame is in need of some macho stand up!%
"I'd like to see you fucking try, Casper," I said without moving a single muscle, despite the fact that my inner conscious was screaming like a little girl due to the creepy and terrifying nature of this stupid dude's face.
"Harl, bring me your mallet," the clown dared to ask of Harley as I turned to look at her. What about this guy made my usually bubbly, crazy, super sexy princess act all unsure, scared, and vulnerable? She shook her head lightly, crossing her arms over her chest as if protecting herself and started to take a few steps back.
"I-I don' think so….J-Joker. Not this time," she muttered and I couldn't help but laugh again at this dude's so unamazing 'villain' name.
"Joker? That's your name…Joker? That is SO fucking lame!" I bellowed as I leaned forward on my knees, laughing so hard, trying to catch my breath. Joker growled as he stomped towards Harley suddenly as she back pedaled into a nearby wall. Joker's hand came up to her throat as he pinned her against the wall.
"Disobeying me? Calling me….Joker? What…gives, Harley? Is this all because ofhim?" he growled at her as Harley's hands came up to the Joker's hands that were currently crushing her throat. I didn't understand it, she was super strong, she could just throw him off of her, but she didn't. Deadpool to the motherfucking rescue my friends, because fuck to the no with all this bullshit. I raised a pistol to the side of Joker's head and stood firm on my ground.
"Back…the fuck…up," I said simply as I watched Joker's head slowly turn to look at me and the pistol with the evilest, fucked up grin I have ever seen in my life. So creepy in fact, that I felt my knees go weak for a moment.
{Oh no, don't we fucking DO it! Our lady needs us right now!}
I fought back the urge to pass out and throw up all at the same time as Joker released Harley from his death grip and moved his focus to me. He pushed his forehead into the barrel of my pistol and started pushing us further away.
"Who…do you…think you are?" Joker asked as I tilted my head at him.
"My name is Deadpool. You've threatened my princess…now prepare to die," I said, finding my inner Inigo Montoya. I shivered visibly as Joker left out another one of those creepy ass laughs. My vision started to narrow and the pistol dropped but for a moment as I fought to stay conscious, which gave Joker enough time to get a good hard hook shot right into the side of my face.
Harley's POV
What was WRONG with me? Joker and I hadn't been togethah in over THREE years and the minute he shows up I turn intah a big pile of moosh! Ivy would be incredibly pissed at me right now, that much I know! Although, I realized I wasn't really as concerned with how 'ol Red would feel about it as I was the other one in red…Deadpool. I looked over to the man who was clearly, currently defendin' my honor in time to see him shovin' Jokah's face into his butt cheeks as a loud, audible fart echoed across the walls. I bit my lip as I smiled and idly started to play at one of my pigtails.
{Face it, Sweetcheeks, you are in l-o-v-e!}
Holy cupid-a-ronie…was I really? My lips slowly started to part as I continued to watch the two fight…the whole world seemed to dissolve away and all I saw was this halo 'a light surroundin' my equally as crazy and ruthless Pooley's body. The world went into slow-mo and all I could think of was the song, "I'm Not In Love," by 10cc as I tried to deny how I truly feltabout this freakin' knucklehead.
{Oh a 70's love ballad…whatta ya know.}
Joker's green locks were all over dah place as he clenched his fists with a growl before chargin' at Deadpool after receivin' that face fullah butt juice. Suddenly, Joker removed a small gun from his trousahs and shot Pooley straight in the chest thumper. My whole body tensed, until rememberin'….you could blow this guy to smithereens and he'd still be alive! Deadpool paused a moment, startin' to stumble around as if the bullet affected him, leavin' Joker to feel pretty darn satisfied with himself as he even started to walk back towards me. Deadpool reached into the new hole in his chest and removed the bullet. He flung it at the back of Joker's head, as Joker's eyes grew wide as saucers and he slowly turned around to see a very alive Deadpool wavin' at 'im.
"Gonna take a lot more than that to get rid of me….'Pudding'," Pooley retorted, drivin' the knife even deeper by usin' my once endearin' term for my ass of an ex against 'im. Joker growled loudly, clearly distraught.
"What…ARE YOU?!" he bellowed and Deadpool pointed at himself.
"Who me? Oh I'm a motherfuckin' hurricane," he answered and yup…pretty sure there was an entire ocean in my underoos. I had officially jumped outta the plane with no parachute, with only the sheer obsession with my new accomplice as a lifeline.
{Harley and Deadpool sittin' in a tree…k-i-s-s-i-n-g.}
Oh I wanted to do a whole hell of a lot more with this dude then kissin'!
Deadpool's POV
%Can we kill him? We should kill him soooo hard%
{Mmmm…I don't think we can!}
%Whaaaaaaaa%
"All I will say is…Joker…," I began to say but couldn't help but start to snicker at the name Joker again before I cleared my throat, getting back to serious mode. Why so serious? Because it's the Joker after all!
%Hahaha…we so slay ourselves!%
"…you are lucky that you are an arch nemesis to a certain flying rodent and that to kill you, would be like altering the sands of time," I said to him as his eyebrows furrowed in bewilderment before I turned my head away from him to speak to you guys, the readers!
See folks this is why I am really not THAT bad of a guy, I KILL my enemies. I don't just repeatedly throw them in jail or a mental asylum and just hope and assume that they'll never escape! The whole 'not killing' rule is SO overrated!
I looked back to Joker who was still looking in the direction I was, expecting to see a ghost or something I would guess. He turned his head over his shoulder to look at Harley.
"This is who you chose, over me? I never thought I'd say this but…he's crazier than I am!" Joker bellowed and Harley smiled, twirling her finger through her pigtails again, all girly like. Wait-what?! Is my Harley-kin-kins back?!
"Eeyeah, he's also got a cuter arse, a bigger sausage, knows martial arts, knows how to treat a gal, his name is SO much cooler, he introduced me to chimi-chongos, and oh yeah…his skin is the color of actual skin!" Harley stammered and my jaw all but dropped behind my mask at all the words that sprang from her sexy, pouty, juicy lips that I wanted to do nothing more to right now then kiss so fucking hard both our heads exploded.
%OH-EHM-GEE…does she like us now?! I think that all meant she actually LIKES us!%
{Let's wrap this up, Romeo…we got some tail to tap!}
Joker was apparently just as shocked as I was as I cleared my throat and tapped his shoulder so he'd turn back to face me.
"So I can't kill you, but I can most certainly incapacitate you for an extended period of time." I said, as I dropped to one knee and sucker punched him right in the balls. I then froze a moment, realizing that Joker didn't react to this…at all, rather he laughed, that stupid creepy clown laugh again! I furrowed my eyebrows behind my mask and punched him again, and again, and…ok this was fucking ridiculous.
"Jesus- how small is it?!" I bellowed my face moving to be within inches of his crotch before his knee collided into my face, sending me reeling backwards onto my ass.
"I'm getting SICK of your mouth!" the Joker bellowed and I spun up onto my feet, adjusting my mask with a smirk.
"Oh, if I had a chimichanga for every time I heard that…I could retire with a chimichanga stand," I said and decided for once, enough talking. I had a super-hot, psycho princess who was currently waiting on me to rock her world, now that she finally realized how fucking amazing I truly am.
Joker went to throw a punch at me and this time I raised my own fist and slammed it straight into his own, which left out an amazing crunching sound that somehow always managed to give me a slight erection. Joker growled in pain as he went to punch me with his other hand and to that, I answered with one of my katanas. I unsheathed one of the swords, did a little twirly move and cut his hand straight the fuck off. He'd make do without it. Joker's eyes went wide as saucers before he left out an angered yelp that sounded like a mix between a cat being strangled and an elephant mating. It was quite a sound!
"What the hell have you done?!" Joker bellowed as he fell to his knees, holding his newly created, overly bleeding stump. I stepped forward and patted his shoulder as if consoling someone who just put their dog down.
"There, there…just think of all the cool villain things you could do with it now. You could attach a hook, or a wooden peg, or OOOOO a clown horn!" I raised my hand up to the air as if pressing on a clown horn and made a squonk, squonk sound. He looked up at me weakly, clearly not amused, when one of his goons suddenly came running in, a look of horror splayed across his features upon seeing his defeated boss.
"Oh hey! Perfecting timing! You might want to take yourself and your boss out of here, otherwise I'll make you guys stub twinsies," I said to the goon as he scampered over to his boss with the utmost speed, helping him to his feet. As they started to walk away, Joker looked over his shoulder and yelled.
"This isn't over Harl!" Joker yelled and I shook my head from side to side.
"Ah, go fuck yourself! Oh oooo…might be a little more difficult now, huh?!" I bellowed and the last thing I heard from the Joker was a very angry, very annoyed growl. Suddenly, my body was turned around with great force as Harley gripped either side of my suit and pulled my head down to peer right into her face. She looked all hot and bothered and ready for some heated Deadpool action when suddenly she said breathlessly,
"Fight me!"
