This is not beta'd and I'm terrible at proofing my own work, but wanted to get this out. Thanks to all who have checked in. More to come soon.

As I take stock of the destruction I've inflicted on my study, I close my eyes and curse the day Ian Von Holt took away my life. Really? You're blaming Von Holt? I think you know it was you who destroyed your life long before Ian Von Holt came into the picture. I remember the day vividly, it was just over a year ago when I found out that Ana was dating Von Holt. Ana was in London, preparing for finals week and I had just returned from a visit, bringing Teddy back to Seattle with me so that Ana could focus more on her studies. She was to return to Seattle the following week. I had been quizzing her non-stop for days in preparation for her econ final and kept telling her she needed a break. Of course, Ana being Ana, fought me non-stop insisting she needed to study, spend time with Teddy before we left and take care of some issues with Grey Publishing. She was running on empty and I was worried about her. I was relieved when I got a briefing from security that she was going out for dinner. She needed a respite from work, studying and missing Teddy.

I assumed she was going to dinner with her good friend and neighbor, Juliette, as she often did when I had Teddy with me. I was wrong. I found out later that she was out on a date with Juliette's older brother, Ian. Ian was a very successful businessman, but that was about the only thing respectable about him. He was one of those pretty trust fund babies, turned frat boy, turned playboy. He fucked just about anything in a skirt and had no problem having it splashed across the tabloids. Not that I have much room to talk, but at least I was discreet. And besides, all of my screwing around ended the day I meet Ana. I scrub my face with my hand as I shake my head. That isn't true, is it Grey? If it were, you wouldn't be sitting here with your life – and study - in a state of ruin would you? You did this to yourself you selfish prick!

How did I let this happen? I practically wrapped her up and gave her to Von Holt. Why didn't I tell her how much I still loved her? That I would always love her? Why didn't I tell her I wasn't going to stop fighting for us…that I could be the man she deserved? I'm tortured every day by the what-ifs. What if I hadn't signed the divorce papers? What if I had listened to Ana, my parents, Elliott and Mia – even Taylor when they all encouraged – no- begged me to see Flynn when we lost Aidan? I was so caught up in blaming myself for us losing him, I was certain Flynn would only confirm it and I couldn't live with that. Of course that isn't what happened, but even it was, I'm not sure it would be worse that the hell I'm living in now. And of course, the biggest what-if of all: What if I hadn't entered that damn contract with Veronica Evans? That one will haunt me to the day I die and every time I close my eyes I have to fight away the image of my broken Ana driving away from me and knowing I have no one to blame but myself.

Three and a half years ago

I'm not sure how much time passes before I am able to gather my wits and release Veronica. My eye is throbbing and I'm clutching Ana rings in my fist, holding onto them for dear life and praying that somehow this isn't the really the end of my marriage. What in the fuck was I thinking? How did I let this happen? I'm torn from my thoughts as I hear the bathroom door close and realize it must be Veronica going in there to change. Good. She needs to get the fuck out of her. I've got to go after Ana. I need to make her understand why I did this. I need to make this right. I know the elevator will take too long, so I rush to the stairs taking them two at a time, as I make my way to the garage. As I open the door, I can hear the tires squeal against the floor. The Audi brakes and I run towards it. Ana turns around, but the tinted windows prevent me from seeing her face. Taylor speeds away carrying my heartbroken wife and I fall to my knees knowing this time, I'm the one who broke her.

I vaguely register the distinct sound of heals clicking against the concrete, but I can't bear to tear my eyes away from the direction of the Audi. I'm startled when I feel a hand on my bare should and shoot up from the ground ready to pounce. I crave Ana and Teddy's touch and I am now comfortable with brief hugs from my family, but I still react when someone else touches me. I quickly push the person away and prepare to defend myself. Seeing who it was makes everything that much worse.

"What in the fuck are you doing Veronica?" At least she has the sense to look contrite. She bows her head and doesn't look at me. Somehow that makes me feel even more sick.

"I asked you a fucking question, Ms. Evans. I'm not a patient man and I know damn well I already told you to get out of my building."

"I'm sorry, sir. I just thought with your wife gone you might want to resume our session."

"Are you fucking kidding me? This was the biggest mistake of my life. Stay the fuck away from me and don't forget your NDA. If you fail to honor it, I. WILL. DESTROY. YOU. No get out." She looks up to me and smirks and it's fucking Leila all over again. What was I thinking? How could I have thought this might help? She straightens her posture, flips her hair back and gives me a huge smile.

"Very well, Mr. Grey. I think we both know you know how to find me when you change your mind." With that she saunters into her red Audi A3 and drives away.

I close my eyes willing all of this to be a bad nightmare, but I'm brought back to reality as the garage lights reflect off of the diamond in my hand. The diamond I put on my wife's finger when I asked her to marry me and swore she would always be enough. I close my fist again and the diamond clanks against Ana's platinum and diamond wedding band. The wedding band I slipped beside on her finger as I vowed to be faithful. I feel like I might suffocate. I let out a feral scream as I punch the wall. My knuckles crack against the concrete and I watch with morbid satisfaction as blood runs down the crisp white wall. How am I ever going to make this right? I have to get home. I have to make this up to Ana. Realizing I don't have a car, I quickly run inside to put my shirt on and call Reynolds to come and get me as I try to come up with a plan to get my wife to forgive me.

Thanks to those of you are still reading and welcome to any new readers. You are so appreciated and I'll do my update soon.