I'm falling all over myself

trying to be someone else


Present


She hated herself for wanting him there. It was just a small part, but it was loud, settled in the vacancies of her heart where he used to be and screaming at her vehemently. It made her head hurt, and she felt so completely pathetic for allowing herself to be so attached to him, still, after all this time. The ghastly reality of it all had her finishing her second pitcher of sake before he even got there.

It had to have been nearly an hour later, and she had nearly grown thankful for the possibility that he'd changed his mind, that she'd be able to enjoy her night in peace instead of having to use all her energy to keep her anger towards him stable and potent. Which it was, usually; no matter how much she wanted him she was still irrevocably bitter. But he fucked with her senses, made it hard to keep up with her disdain consistently, and it made her anxious.

The door chimed his entrance, the bell sounding only lightly over the noise of the bar but blaring deafeningly in her ears. Her gaze cast itself towards him before she could help it, and the tendons of her heart swelled uncomfortably. He looked uncertain where he stood, lingering by the door on the other side of the room, his face scrunched in a scowl as though conflicted. Her heart lurched when he turned towards the door not even a minute later, as though he was going to leave, but an exceptionally drunk Rangiku had promptly broken from the crowd and launched herself at him before he could even put his hand on the door.

"Taichou~!" Rangiku sing-songed loudly, wrapping her arms around him in a tight and excited squeeze of a hug. "Finally you're here~!"

"Ugh– Matsumoto!"

His voice resonated in her chest even from a distance, and Karin turned back to her drink dependably, resuming a half-hearted listen to the story Ikkaku had been telling her and Yumichika. She combed her hair back gingerly with her fingers, trying to rid herself of the sweat beading along her forehead. The warm and stuffy air of the bar had finally begun to get to her.

Rangiku plopped down across the table from her only moments later, dragging a stumbling Hisagi along with her, and when she felt an unmistakable presence sidle up beside her, Karin shot the strawberry-blonde a betrayed glare. Couldn't she have picked her side of the table to sit on instead?

Conspiracist, she thought vindictively.

She visibly bristled when his arm brushed hers while he settled, and she glared into the bottom of her cup as she downed the remains of her drink, wasting no time in getting a refill from the nearest pitcher. Rangiku had instantly gone for more sake as well and began slurring insults at Ikkaku, deliberately interrupting his story telling, and Hisagi instantly shook with laughter, clutching his sides theatrically and causing himself to fall sideways off his seat.

The sound of him hitting the floor silenced the table for a shocked moment, and a low rumble of snickers bubbled up everyone's throats almost instantly, laughter erupting from them all like a chorus. It made the air feel lighter, and Karin let her eyes stray to Hitsugaya, subtly travelling his form as she sipped her drink.

Conversations started up around them again, and she felt the tension in her muscles loosen, the alcohol finally resonating in her veins.

"You certainly took a while," she commented dryly, sparing him a glance as she brought the rim of her glass to her lips again.

He smirked. "What, did you miss me?"

"Like a sword through the stomach."

His eyes gleamed brightly as he looked at her, and she swallowed thickly. A scowl fixed her features, and she grabbed a random pitcher of sake, setting it down in front of him with a careless thunk, the liquid inside swishing about haphazardly.

"Have a drink already. Your sobriety is creeping me out."

"I don't drink."

She scoffed. "Since when?"

"Since I haven't had you around to force me into it."

"Well I'm here now, so…" She set a cup down in front of him then for effect, grinning impishly.

Toushiro sighed tiredly, but there was a quirk left to his lips and her eyes lingered on it for longer than was probably appropriate. She was only able to right herself when Rangiku gasped loudly from across the table, and she retreated into her personal bubble as the blonde heaved her ample cleavage over the wooden surface between them, her eyes wide.

"Taichou is drinking?"

"Not willingly," he said dryly, casting an accusing look at the girl next to him.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Karin muttered innocently, promptly gulping down the rest of her sake.

Rangiku grinned devilishly. "I always knew you were a good influence on him."

Karin smiled wryly to herself. "I try my best."

"I take pride in my sobriety, thanks. You guys should try it."

Rangiku full out bursted with laughter, tears welling in her eyes within moments and streaming mascara down her face, evoking a fit of giggles from Karin. Toushiro frowned at them, sipping his drink gingerly.

Hisagi had appeared to have passed out after he fell and was rather overlooked by the five of them until he suddenly sprouted to his feet, a maniacal grin plastered on his face and making Karin and Rangiku jump in surprise.

"Ran!" he said eagerly, looking at the blonde woman expectantly. "It's that song!"

She stared at him densely. "Wha?"

"Y'know," Hisagi stressed, his eyes widening. "The song."

It took her a few beats, but eventually Rangiku perked up excitedly. "Right! The song!"

Taking Hisagi's hand as a poor means of balance, the voluptuous woman toppled out of the booth, gleaming brightly as she shot Karin and Toushiro an expectant look. "Come on, guys!"

Karin laughed. "Right. No."

"No." Toushiro echoed.

The woman pouted. "But– please? Pretty pretty please?"

Karin closed her eyes dismissively, sipping on her drink slowly, and Toushiro followed suit. But unlike Karin, he grew easily tired and annoyed by his lieutenant's unyielding pout.

"She's not gonna let up," he muttered to her. Karin gave him an exhausted look, her eyes dull and defiant. "It's just a couple minutes, just to satisfy her."

Karin closed her eyes bracingly, feeling a disquieted tickle go down her spine as she threw back her drink yet again and slammed the empty cup on the table. "Fine."

Rangiku squealed, clapping her hands happily as the two of them reluctantly got out of the booth and followed her and Hisagi through the crowd of drunken soul reapers and Rukongai citizens, all stumbling around and falling over each other in the act of uncertain dancing. It nearly calmed her nerves, the fact that no one knew what they were doing and were too drunk to pay attention to anyone else. But even so, she could feel her hands start to tremble, and she chewed the inside of her cheek harshly.

A shiver went up her spine once they'd stopped somewhere in the middle of the room, Rangiku's palm tapping lightly against the small of her back and practically pushing her into Hitsugaya. Her cheeks were fast to colour, burning bright and embarrassingly when she caught him looking at her, so kind and unreadable, and she quickly tore her eyes away, staring inattentively over his shoulder as he drew her into him. An annoyance of nostalgia clouded her mind, and she felt lazy in his grasp, one hand cupped against his shoulder like a lifeline as the other laid limply clasped in his.

It reminded her too much of her graduation night, so long ago but feeling like yesterday. The way they'd stumbled around at the after party, happy and drunk and trying at dancing but failing so horribly. It resonated harshly in her chest, and she pressed her mouth into the soft fabric of his shirt desperately, feeling his collarbone against her trembling lips. She hated the moment she was in, how the seemingly unending music thrummed in her ears and struck a well of tears in her dry burning eyes.

Her body stiffened lightly when he dipped his chin, his lips grazing the bare of her shoulder and grating too little on her nerves. It felt nice, and reminiscent, and it hurt. She suddenly felt small against him, both alarmingly safe and painfully uncomfortable, and a lump swelled in her throat. She cursed herself, and she suddenly felt suffocated, swallowing thickly and praying that her words would come out even.

"Do me a favor?"

"Anything," he whispered too earnestly, and she took a fortifying breath, closing her eyes briefly and basking in one last second of him.

"Don't follow me."

There was a beat of silence before she drew away, hastily losing herself to the crowd as she made her way to the door, and he stood stilled and confused where he was, a pained frown tugging at his lips.

In retrospect, he'd been stupid to expect anything more.

.


A/N: It's been three. fucking. years. Are you guys still there? Guys? ...

Millions of apologies aside, I'm so fucking glad I actually finally wrote this. For a while I was just overthinking it, and then I hit that wall that I always seem to where I can't focus on the new chapter without rewriting/editing the entire fucking story. So I did, which also took a while because I'm a lazy piece of shit. I finally finished the editing last night tho, and have updated all the chapters. (It's all the same as it was though, just with some sentences taken out, along with an extra scene in chapter 3).

Anyway, I still only have a vague idea of where this story is really going, but the next few chapters are in my head, and once those are up there'll be another few in my head, so on and so on. I've gotten into actually writing down my ideas and notes and making actual outlines. It's very progressive.

Hope you liked the chapter! Reviews are always so very much appreciated, even if I don't ever reply to anyone because I'm lazy and socially inept.

Until next time~

Lyrics: Heart – The Pretty Reckless