October 29
Common Room
8:40 AM
I just had a very weird dream. In it, I was in the Great Hall and Snape was de-pants and was wearing nothing but his underwear and yelling at Sirius, who was doing nothing but laughing and falling all over himself and his friends. And then when they saw me Snape started yelling and saying that it was all my fault that he was like this, and then Black was laughing and saying that I was amazing and thank you very much and he kept on laughing and laughing and laughing until finally, FINALLY he snorted.
And then I woke up.
…
I am one seriously skewed individual.
Or should that be Siriusly since he's always the one that gets me into all of these messes?
You know, I think that's it.
I am one Siriusly skewed individual.
8:51 AM
OK, so that last entry was slightly weird, but honestly, it's true. And I am nothing if not honest.
…
I think.
GRAH!
Great Hall
9:12 AM
OK, so when I went into the Great Hall nothing too crazy was going on. No de-pants Snape (Thank MERLIN!), no laughing Black (though, actually, that is a crazy thing, now that I think of it.) Honestly, the only crazy thing going on is that the House Elves actually decided that blood pudding for breakfast would be a good idea.
…
Really, my imagination needs therapy.
9:46 AM
I spoke too soon.
Things did indeed get crazy, most notably when Snape started yelling at this seventh year named Narcissa, saying things like, "Stop looking at my buns, you dirty wench!" and "Do not make despairing comments about the size of my anus, you fat COW!"
Of course, I was confused. I mean, not only is a) Narcissa NOT a fat cow, but b) Snape generally doesn't say anything at all, let alone yell out insults to his fellow Syltherins. (I say Slytherins, 'cause he has been known to, on occasion, yell out rude comments to Black and Co.)
But anywubbly. After the whole Snape going crazy bit (though, really, he's already been sailing the S.S.R Crazy) the whole of Gryffindor table started laughing uproariously. Then McGonagall went over to Sirius and his Annoying Tag-Alongs and berated them for a moment before dragging them all off by the ears. (Don't ask how she dragged them all off by the ears, 'cause there are four of them, because honestly, I don't know. Magic is mysterious.) But just as they were about to exit the Hall, Black yelled, loud enough to be heard across the entire school, "You're welcome, Princess!"
…
That thing that you just thought? Yea, I thought that too.
…
Probably. Unless you thought something disgusting or abominable, in which case, I did not think that, and you a sick and twisted freak.
So there.
…
It was quiet after they left, and the only thing we could hear was Snape yelling about how his butt was not the size of the entire Great Hall, Goyle's stomach, or the entire solar system. Then the talking started all over, the most noteworthy thing being, "Who in Merlin's Beard is Princess?"
And yea, I will not be telling them it's me. 'Cause I don't have a death wish.
Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom
12:01 PM
So Snape isn't here, but Lucius is, and he won't stop talking about the whole prank, and how Black is a blood-traitor, and he needs to stop doing such slanderous things to his betters and how as soon as he finds out who "Princess" is he's going to castrate them and show them what happens to annoying little children.
…
Yea, I know what you're thinking. "Pippa, you have to tell him," "Pippa, he's your boyfriend. You're supposed to be honest," and, "C'mon, Pippa, stop being a litte girl and tell him. TELL HIM. TELL HIM!"
But I just can't. 'Cause I don't want to be castrated, whatever that means. Especially since Lucius was going into detail and saying that he was going to do it with a rusty pike and let them wallow in pain for a while before finally finally "putting them out of their misery".
…
And I know that he'd probably go easier on me when he finds out that it was all just a big misunderstanding, and that I hadn't even wanted to go up to the Owrly in the first place and that Black carried me up there against my will and that I was really, really, really, REALLY sorry. But I still don't want to be skewerd on a rusty pike. ('Cause I'm pretty sure that that's what castration is. Almost positive. Ugh, why can't I be more bloodthirsty!)
Sigh. Maybe I should just live in the Forbidden Forest and let the wild animals have their way with me. I know it would certainly make my life easier.
12:05 PM
Very odd image of my being killed by a raging unicorn.
On second thought, maybe I should just live here and not tell Lucius and hope to Merlin that Black doesn't tell anyone who Princess is so I don't have to be gorged by a unicorn.
…
I need to just be locked up in a cage and never be let out again.
Great Hall
1:32 PM
Ugh! DO PEOPLE HONESTLY NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS!
IT'S REALLY NOT ALL THAT INTERESTING, PEOPLE! SO WHAT IF SEVERUS SNAPE IS SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT HIS ASS! YOU KNOW YOU ARE TOO!
…
Unless you aren't, in which case, a) what the heck is wrong with you and b) why am I the only one who's self-conscious about their ass!
…
Oh, yes, Black.
…
Grrrrrrrrr.
Potions Classroom
2:12 PM
Lea needs to stop talking about this whole thing before I choke/strangle/doallsortsofSlytherinlythingstoher. There, I said it, now what?
"Seriously Pippa, you have no idea what kind of a blow this is to the entire Slytherin community. Now everyone knows about Snape's little quirk, and it's certainly just a matter of time before everyone finds out that Lucius isn't a true silvery-blond. He's more like a dirty blond, like you. Oh, Pippa, don't give me that look. You must have noticed that his upstairs curtain didn't match is upstairs curtains, if you know what I mean. You don't know what I mean? Oh, I was just saying that his hair on his head didn't match the hair on his other head. Oh, Pippa, you're so dense. Oh, that's not why you're making those sputtering noises? You're worried about how I saw his downstairs curtains. Don't worry. We just had too much butterbeer one night and ended up having a little fun… This was before your time, honey. I must have been in my third year… Pippa! Pippa calm down! Breathe Pippa, breathe!"
Sob. This day has been full of unwanted-ness.
Especially since my best friend has done more with my boyfriend than I have. And three years ago, nonetheless.
Sob.
Common Room
11:04 PM
Detention… ugh. Was even more awkward 'cause Black kept smiling at me and winking at me and just generally reminding me of my life and UGH!
The only thing I want to do right now is sleep.
So that's what I'm going to do. Sleep.
October 30
Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom
11:59 AM
No Snape today. But still the angry ramblings of my boyfriend.
Can't we all just get over it? It was a mistake on my part. Do I need to be punished for something I'm sorry about!
MERLIN!
Great Hall
4:52 PM
Can people just SHUT UP! UGH!
Library
8:36 PM
Kill me, please.
Take me out of my misery.
NO! NOT YOU SIRIUS BLACK! YOU STOP STARING AT ME ALL SMILEY-LIKE! I WILL CASTRATE YOU!
…
Even though I don't know what that means, really…
Ugh.
October 31
Common Room
8:50 AM
Today is Halloween.
Goodie.
Great Hall
9:12 AM
Today really is the only day that the House Elves know how to make good food. Honestly, it's true. Instead of Blood Pudding (Seriously, who's stupid enough to DO that?) or dry bacon or runny eggs, we have all sorts of fattening food and pastries that will probably disagree with all of us the entire day and make us extremely hyper because of the sugar intake, but it so worth it.
I can feel my entire mood lifting.
:-)
Transfiguration Classroom
10:23 AM
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
I've had twelve chocolate frogs, eight sugar quills, two pumpkin pastries, and two boxes of Berty Bott's Every Flavor Beans. (I hate finding the vomit flavored ones. Blech.)
I'm happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Defense Against the Dark Arts Classroom
11:52 AM
Lucius is just smiling at me as I fidget and wiggle and be my hyper little self.
The world is a good place.
Potions Classroom
12:12 PM
Not even Lea can dampen my mood.
"I really hate Halloween. I mean, for about a month afterwards I can never fit properly into my robes, and we don't even get to have a ball or a dance or whatever else they do in those Muggle schools. I heard about them. Everyone goes there and dances and by the end of the night everyone ends up having someone to go out with and make out with. Those are absolutely the only things that the Muggles got right. I mean… why don't we have dances here? They're always a blast. My mom holds balls every Christmas and New Years. They're always the toast of the season. Speaking of which, one year Lucius came and he ended up drinking cooking sherry for a dare! Ooooh boy, it really was something. Speaking of getting drunk off of your buns, Pippa are you tipsy? 'Cause you can't seem to sit still and I'm trying to talk to you and you've been cutting up that same batch of dragon bowels for about ten minutes. Oh, you only had about five million gallons of sugar? Oh, well, that I can understand. This one time at Quidditch Camp I ate an entire bag of flour…"
See, not even that can make me less hyper.
SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Ew! The stupid dragon bowels just exploded on my hand!
Shudder.
I am significantly less hyper.
….
No matter, I still have a Sugar Quill.
Charms Classroom
3:46 PM
Heh, I just made Rowania Foxkithia float to the ceiling. Heh.
November 1
Common Room
1:23 AM
Sirius Black needs to put on a leash! That… that….. DOG!
UGH!
1:32 AM
Do you wanna know what has me in such a state? You do? GOOD!
Ok, so, after my Charms class I went down to the Great Hall feeling really good. I mean, I had had about seven thousand pounds of sugar in my system, everyone had seen Rowania's Chudley Cannon's boy's underpants, I didn't have detention, and I knew that there was going to be amazing food at the feast. Overall, I was feeling pretty optimistic.
Oh, how stupid I was.
I sat down at my table and started to eat away at the amazing food that never occurs at Hogwarts, and was feeling pretty good about myself. I mean, I was even throwing sympathetic looks over to Rowania! And then… it all started to suck.
Severus Snape walked into the Great Hall and everyone started to laugh and mock him and make fun of him. And I just shrunk down in my seat, hoping against all hope that he didn't know that it was me who told Black about his little… problem.
And then he started walking over towards me, and I knew that he knew. (And no, it was because he glaring at me and snickering and making me feel really, really, REALLY bad. Though there was a bit of that going on as well.) Then he got to my table and everyone started tittering and making even worse comments and I just sat there looking up at him wondering what he was going to do and whether or not it was going to hurt.
And then he stood right next to me (though, since I sit at the end of the table it's not that hard to) and he swooped down and grabbed my wrist (the bad one, dammit) and then proceeded to drag me down towards the Slytherin table.
He stopped when we reached Lucius, who was looking pretty angry. (At Snape at this point, not me.) "What are you doing, Severus? Let go of her." Another man would have been shaking at Lucius' command, but since it was Snape he just looked him in the eye. But he did drop my wrist.
"You've been wondering who the blasphemous traitor was, Lucius? Well, here she is. She's none other than your little tart, Pippa Rightwing!"
It was silent for a moment, what with everyone staring at me. (Including the teachers who were, I might add, not doing anything.) There was a heated moment between Lucius and Snape, before Lucius looked at me and said in a very calm voice, "Is this true Pippa? Were you the one that performed the prank?"
I blinked up at him, knowing that he could hurt me more than Snape ever could. … Probably. "W-well, not exactly, no."
Lucius smiled a tight little smile and looked at Snape. "Well, Severus, this really is the last straw. I've had enough of your bad-mouthing of Pippa. It's high time that you-"
And then, of course, Sirius Black just had to come in and be himself. "While she might not have been the one who performed the prank –that would be me, gentlemen- she did give me the information as to what to do." He smiled benignly at Lucius and Snape. "She told me all about your little… Achilles heel, Sevvy-poo." He draped his arm around my shoulders. "The great Severus Snape, self-conscious about his arse. Funny, isn't it?"
Now, throughout his entire little speech, Lucius' normally pale face turned a molten red and he yanked me towards him. "Is this true Pippa?" He started shaking me. "Did you defy me and all of the Slytherins to tell this little blood-traitor to attack Severus? Did you? ANSWER ME!"
I opened my mouth to answer, but I couldn't get anything out. Not only was I scared, but he was also shaking me too hard to answer. But thankfully (note sarcasm) Black answered for me.
"Well, of course she did, Luscious Lady Lucius. But how is she supposed to answer when you're shaking her too hard to say anything?" He pulled me towards him. "Besides," he continued, "you shouldn't shake another man's woman." And then he…
He…
Are you ready for this journal?
HE KISSED ME!
Yea, you heard me right. Sirius Black, the basic bane of my existence, KISSED ME!
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! IN FRONT MY VERY IRATE BOYFRIEND! IN FRONT OF THE HOGWARTS TEACHERS!
SIRIUS BLACK KISSED ME!
FOR A LONG TIME!
AND WITH TONGUE!
….
And the entire time this is happening, I can here the gasps of surprise going on all around the Great Hall. And I can hear Lucius yelling along with the other Slytherins. And then he finally said, "She who is lecherous in nature will only meet her downfall! Come, Severus!" And then the two of them were gone.
Now, I don't want you to think that I was enjoying this little kiss. I mean, I was struggling and wriggling and basically trying to get away from Black because a) I never thought about him like that. … … and b) because this was entirely awkward and everyone was staring and it made me look like I had been dating him when I had totally been dating Lucius. But my wriggling only seemed to encourage Black even more, and he leaned me up against the Slytherin table and started kissing me even more… um… adamantly.
It took me about, oh, seven thousand years to disentangle myself from him, and when I finally did I smacked him across the face. "What in Merlin's Beard was that about, Black?"
Up until that question he had been smiling at me all goofy, like something amazing had just happened. But after I asked him that his face fell and he looked at me with an expression I couldn't even begin to describe to you. "I was saving you, Pippa."
Understandably, this angered me. "Saving me?" I asked incredulously. "Saving me? You call taking my first kiss saving me!"
Ok, I may or may not have shared too much information with him, but that's what I said. And it sort of worked. Sort of. "That was your first kiss?" He looked appropriately chastised. Then his expression changed. "You didn't kiss like that was your first."
I stomped my foot and said something that sounded like, "WHUGNARG!" and walked away and out of the Great Hall. With about a million people's eyes on my back.
…
Yea, it wasn't pleasant.
But no, it didn't stop there. It wouldn't, would it? No, 'cause stupid Sirius Black had to follow me out into the corridor.
"Pippa! Pippa, wait!"
I spun around on him. "What do you want, Black? Are you here to apologize?"
He looked confused. "Apologize? No, why would I-"
"If you're not here to apologize, then I'm not interested in what you have to say." I started to walk away, as quickly as I could. All I wanted to was to go to my bed and sleep.
He is roughly twice my height, so catching up with me wasn't that hard. "Pippa, c'mon. At least listen to what I have to say-"
I kept on walking. "How did Snape find out about me, anyways? Does he have some amazing magical powers, or was that you too?"
"Well," he said, sounding not the least bit remorseful, "I may have had a hand in that. But before you make that face at me –yes, that one- can you at least listen to what I have to say?"
I stopped, but only because I wanted this entire thing to be done with. "Fine, you have thirty seconds. That's it."
He nodded his head. "Ok, well, I told Sevvy that you told me about the whole him/his butt thing. And after that he kind of took it into his own hands to go psycho on you. So.. I'm sorry, I guess."
That was really very nice –not!- but I still had some questions. "Right, well, that's really very lovely but I that still leaves me with two problems. A) how come Snape wasn't going psychotic on you and b) Why would you tell him in the first place!"
NOW is when he started to get a contrite look on his face. "Well, I may have sent a letter to Snape claiming to be a secret admirer who just so happened to see you and me plotting against him. And er… well, I told him in the first place because…"
I couldn't take his stupidness anymore. "Because why Black, why?"
He stared down at my tapping foot before saying in a rush, "I told him because I couldn't stand to see you with that git Luscious and because I knew that you deserved so much better." He looked up at me with beseeching eyes.
But I was having none of it. I mean, the stupid buttface had told my boyfriend that I went against him all because he didn't think I should be with him! UGH! "Excuse me, Black," I said scathingly, "but that wasn't your decision to make. So what if you couldn't stand to see us together? Not everything is about you, you know! Stop walking around like you're this amazing person sent to us from the heavens, because let me tell you something Sirius Black. You're NOT! You're callous and mean, and you're self-centered, and you never once think about anyone that isn't yourself. And don't try to go and "fix" anyone else's relationships, especially since you can't even keep one of yours together. And the only thing I want is to be left alone from you. I think I deserve that, especially since you've put me through enough crap this year. So please, just Leave. Me. ALONE!"
After getting all of that off of my chest, I stomped away to the Common Room. I went and fell asleep in my bed upstairs for a few hours, but when the girls realized I was the in there they kicked me out again and now I'm sleeping on the couch.
Again.
My life sucks and I hope Sirius Black gets castrated.
And I actually found out what that means, and I STILL wish it happens to him.
So there.
Disclaimer: J.K Rowling couldn't write something as stupid as this.
Author's Note: Well, hiya there, my little followers. … Kinda. I've updated and mucho stuffage has happened in this chapter. Seriously, this chapter has it all. Drama, Romance, Horror (vomit flavored Berty Botts), an explanation about the title… And to think, I packed it all in in only 12 pages. Hooh boy.
But anywubbly, I hope you enjoyed the chapter. It got a little slow in parts, and it wasn't really all that funny, but I've been thinking about this chapter for a while. And this is actually the second time I've written it. (The first time I forgot to save it. Heh). So… I hope you like it.
And yea…. I didn't have anyone beta it, so ignore the things that I got wrong, 'cause I know they're in there.
Oh, and I think I'm going to write the Sirius version of this fic. What do you say to that?
Melissa
