Hi Friends!
Thank you for your continued support and all your love! It means everything! I am so touched by all your well wishes for my brother, and happy to announce that he has improved tremendously! Thank you all!
Now a few notes on this chapter and possible triggers: I very briefly explore issues of mental health, as a possible means of explanation for Hisashi's behavior in the previous chapter. I have taken many classes on psychological disorders, have family members and dear friends who suffer from them, so do not take them lightly. I hope that you can sense that I tried to treat the subject as respectfully and delicately as possible — I did my best to make it abundantly clear that mental illness is not a stigma, not to be taken lightly or something that can be magically diagnosed and treated; it is serious and deserves our attention, and those who suffer from mental health issues deserve all our love and support. I hope i handled the subject respectfully and accurately, but if anyone objects with my treatment, please let me know so that I can make changes to this chapter — I always want to be considerate of you, my readers.
Also, heads up, this chapter might be a bit risqué, to some, though in no way graphic/explicit.
I hope you enjoy this chapter, and please let me know what you think!
Thank you all again!
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After yelling at a bellhop and nearly shattering the elevator buttons with the force of his jabs, Hisashi and I make it to our room. Yes, our room — due to an oversight in booking, we've been forced to share, though thankfully there are two beds. Hisashi slams his way into the bathroom, mumbling something about taking a shower, and I close myself off on the porch. Dialing Ko's number, I have all of 2 seconds to admire the view of glittering lights, of streets and buildings stretching out in front of me, before the line is picked up.
"Chihiro, what's wrong?" Ko's voice is low with worry.
"I'm okay," I wave away his comment even though he can't see the gesture. "It's Hisashi I'm worried about. You know, my agent I told you about."
"Is he sick?"
"I don't know. Maybe." I slide to the ground, my back against the railing, ignoring the 20 story drop behind me.
Ko must hear the confusion and concern in my voice, "Don't worry, Chihiro, everything will be alright." he tells me soothingly, "Start from the beginning, tell me what's happened."
So I do. I explain Hisashi's weird behavior, behavior I have never witnessed from him in the years I have known him; his aggression and sullenness, the strange desperation; how his mood seemed to worsen the closer into Tokyo we got, catalyzing at the airport.
After a few moments of silence where I can tell Ko is mulling things over, he says "You're the psychiatrist, Chihiro, but even to me that sounds like bipolar disorder."
I sigh and wearily scrub my face with my free hand, pushing hair out of my eyes. "It does resemble a manic episode, at first, but generally there's a mood elevation during episodes. Even if it was a mixed state, he would have moments of elation, and other than his sudden irritability and paranoia with regards to our bags, he doesn't have any other symptoms. None that I can recognize this early, at least — I would have to observe him over a prolonged period of time in order to establish a diagnosis with any kind of reasonable certainty."
"And?" He asks the question not in a confronting way, but rather to encourage me to continue.
"And…we'll be here for a week. The hotel screwed up so I will basically be with him 24/7, working and sharing a room." I hear a choking noise from Ko's end at that but ignore it. "I guess I can keep an eye on him and try and ascertain if it's clinical or, I don't know, something else." I groan with frustration, "I've never had to treat someone I know personally, if you can even call this treating! What should I do? Should I broach the subject with him? Pretend everything is normal?"
"Well, you're hesitant enough that it sounds like, at this point, you don't even believe it's a true psychological disorder, correct?"
"I don't." I admit after a pause. With the admission I realize something else, feeling guilty as I do. "It's just easier to assume that because it's my field of expertise. I would know where to at least begin trying to address it, how to try and help him. I realize that's selfish of me — mental illness isn't something to be used as an excuse or convenience, and it's anything but. If it's something else, though, something I don't know…what will I do? I can't stand seeing him like this. We've had our ups and downs, but he's still my friend, and he's obviously hurting."
"I know, Chihiro. And it's because you're his friend that you need to trust yourself. You are scared and unsure, alone in a city you don't know, about to face the deal of a lifetime. All of that extra stress isn't making it easier, either. But you have Hisashi's best interest at heart, and between you and me, you know him best. Don't question yourself, or your friendship — you know the best way to approach this, to help him, you just need to have the confidence to realize it."
I lean my head back and sigh, wishing I could see the stars blacked out from light pollution. "I think -"
Ko clears his throat pointedly and I roll my eyes.
"I know that Hisashi doesn't have bipolar disorder, though there's still something psychological going on, obviously. But — I don't have to be a psychiatrist to help him. I just have to be his friend."
"So?" Another leading question.
"Soo, I'm going to get off the phone with you, stop being a worried, nervous wreck, stop acting like this is about me, and talk to and focus on my friend."
"Good." I can hear the smile in his voice.
"Can I call you again in the morning to let you know how things go?"
"Of course, Chihiro. I'm always here for you."
I close my eyes with a smile, feeling bolstered by our conversation and the confidence he has in me. "Thank you, Ko. Goodnight."
"Goodnight, Chihiro."
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I've started to doze off, despite my best attempts at staying awake, by the time Hisashi emerges from the bathroom. The lewd joke I was about to make about what took him so long dies on my tongue as he settles near my feet looking terribly exhausted. And naked. He looks at me with a smirk hidden in the corner of his lips and it takes all of my self control to maintain eye contact and not look away blushing — the jerk is doing it on purpose. True, it's not something I haven't seen before (and it's not like I haven't seen even more), but we are no longer together and the proximity of his naked, sculpted, really yummy body is making me uncomfortable. Damn it, I thought of him as yummy. Ugh. I must make a face at that thought, because his smirk comes out full force.
"Something wrong, Hiro?"
"Yeah," I glare, "all that macho bullshit you pulled at the airport. That's what's wrong." Subtle, Chihiro, way to go.
His smirk disappears instantly and the exhaustion takes complete hold of his features, his teasing unable to distract him any longer thanks to my outburst. "I know. That was…unacceptable." He combs his hand through his hair and my eye twitches with the effort of not oggling the bulge and flex of his bicep. Keep it together, girl. Focus.
"That's one word for it." My voice comes out much harsher than I intend, the fact that I am actively having to work at not drooling pissing me off. His eyes widen in shock and genuine hurt, darting away as his hand falls into his lap, his jaw working as he tries to come up with a response. I could punch myself for being such an ass. Who's the even-keeled, thoughtful psychiatrist, again? Certainly not me. Mentally lambasting myself for letting my hormones get in the way of something so important and acting like a self-centered tool — again — I quickly lean forward and lay my hand on his. "I'm sorry, that was unfair of me. You've never been one to act when unprovoked, so I know something is going on. I'm not trying to make you feel worse, I just want to try and help, if I can."
He looks up at me through the strands of hair which, when un-styled, hang into his eyes. "I don't know if you can." he whispers, and my heart breaks a little.
I sit up on my knees, moving closer to him, and for once he has to look up at me. Taking hold of his face in my hands, I wait until he lifts his gaze to mine and hold it. "Well I do know, and I will. I will do whatever it takes. But you have to tell me what's going on first, Hisashi. I am your friend, you can trust me. Do you trust me?"
His eyes darken and become very solemn. "I always have. Even with everything we've been through, I never stopped trusting you. Do you trust me?"
"At one point I wished I didn't." I answer honestly, referring to the many past months I spent ignoring him after our breakup, "but I never stopped trusting you, either."
He lets out a shuddering breath and then suddenly I am tipping backwards with a gasp and he lies on top of me, his head pressed against my chest right over my heart which is beating wildly. "What — what the hell are you doing?" I choke out, mind jumping to conclusions, "I trust you and love you, but only as a friend! I'm not having sex with you!" I repeat it to myself again, forcing my intimacy-starved body into compliance, trying to ignore the way his weight and warmth sinks into me so pleasantly and familiarly, his damp hair tickling my nose and smelling like his shampoo, earthy and warm.
"Please, Chihiro." He mumbles, and I freeze as he moves to bury his head against my neck, his stubbled jaw grazing deliciously against the skin there. "I promise I'm not trying to have sex with you. I just need…I need this."
"To lie naked on an unwilling victim?!"
"To be held." he sniffles, and suddenly I realize that I can feel moisture gathering against my skin. I immediately stop struggling to wiggle out from underneath him. I have never, ever seen Hisashi cry — never even come close. I didn't think it was possible for him to lose that iron grip on his composure and self control to even get near to that point of loss of emotional control.
"Shit" I whisper to myself, shocked. Hesitantly, I wrap my arms around him, and as I my fingers wind through his hair, he begins to sob. What the hell is wrong with my friend? Tears silently stream down my own cheeks as I clutch him closer, nakedness ignored, as I ache for this man who has loved me so fiercely, still does even if differently than in the past. "Please, Hisashi." I whisper into his temple, "Let me in. What is doing this to you?" but he can't answer through his outpouring of emotion. It's as if a damn has broken, and all the pain and sorrow he has held at bay his entire life is suddenly surging forward. I continue to hold his shuddering body, whispering comforting nonsense words and rubbing soft circles into his back as he clutches me like I am a life-raft carrying him through the flood.
What feels like hours later, and probably is, he has wept himself into a true state of exhaustion, lying still against me. I myself feel completely depleted, sympathy and confusion and the driving need to take away my friend's pain having burned me out totally. I breathe heavily through my nose and ask in a terribly soft voice, "Will you tell me what's going on?"
His voice sounds awful from crying, thick and gravelly, "Tomorrow. Chihiro, please, tomorrow. Right now, I-I can't —"
"Sh-sh-sh," I quickly reassure him as his voice starts to wobble again, stroking my hand down his spine. "It's okay, you don't have to tell me now if you can't. But tomorrow…tomorrow you will tell me. Promise me you will."
"I promise." he breathes, and I nod. "Chihiro can we — can I stay like this, a little longer?" he asks me hesitantly, squeezing me once lightly.
"Are you going to get dressed?" I prod, though it seems like a moot point by now, really, and Hisashi must agree because his only response is to mumble unintelligibly into my neck. I grumble and roll my eyes but I'm too weary, mentally and physically, to argue. And after holding the strongest person I know as he almost literally fell apart in my arms, any type of even remotely sexual urge has been swiftly banished. Thank God.
With what little energy I have left, I reach out with my arm, stretching weakly as Hisashi's weight keeps me from shifting, and just manage to reach the lamp with my fingertips. After a few attempts, I manage to twist the switch and let my arm fall limply with a moan.
"I could've gotten that." Hisashi smiles tiredly into my neck and I slap the back of his head halfheartedly.
"You dick."
He chuckles once, the sound bringing me a profound feeling of relief after so many tears, before his breaths even out and I know he has finally given in to sleep. I follow his example and within seconds am out cold.
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Feeling deliciously warm and pliant, I try to ignore the sunshine streaming across my eyelids and burrow my face into the wonderful source of that warmth with a hum. Only when somebody hums back does everything come rushing back to me and I realize that that source of warmth is in fact Hisashi — I am molded to his side, my leg thrown over his hip, the fingers of one hand splayed across his abdomen, my face pressed into his chest as one of his arms cradles me to him and the hand of the other rests high on my thigh. Part of me feels sad as I remember waking up like this every day when we were together, can't help but miss the companionship and intimacy of it, but the rest of me realizes that I am not wearing pants or a shirt, and last I remember Hisashi was buck-naked. Eyes snapping open, I shoot up in bed. Looking down, I am relieved to find that I am still wearing my cami , and I applaud myself for having chosen to wear comfortable boy short style undies instead of my usual lacy undergarments.
"You kicked the rest off some time during the night." At his words, my gaze shifts from my still — if scantily — clad body to Hisashi's still very much naked one. The towel has managed to stay wrapped around his hips, though its ridden up in every possible direction, leaving nothing to the imagination. He brings his hands up behind his head and grins at me as I vaguely remember becoming way too warm engulfed in his body heat and, drunk with sleep, managing to toss off my extra layers from my secure position as a little spoon, his limbs draped across me and caging me in making it somewhat of a struggle. It was quite the feat, actually.
I have no answer except to glare. "Stop that."
His smile only widens, "Stop what, Hiro?"
"Putting yourself on display like that." I wave at his pose.
"Display? Does that mean you're looking?" his grin widens as his chest puffs out.
With a noise between a growl and a shriek, amused despite myself, I pick up a pillow and pretend to smother him with it, "So now you're suddenly all cheer and jokes, huh?" I pant.
Laughing lightly, Hisashi easily sits up, bringing me close as he pins my arms behind me, the pillow falling between us a measly barrier but now the only thing keeping him decent as his movement has finally and fully dislodged the towel from his waist. "I am," he smiles sweetly, leaning closer to my face. "Thanks to you."
"What, um, what are you doing?" I stutter out as he comes closer and closer.
His nose touches mine now, "Wishing you good morning," as his smile turns from sweet to mischievous, and before I can stop him his lips are settling against me…sealed around my nose as he breathes out and forces me to take in and smell his morning breath.
"You son of a bitch!" I gag, ripping free of his grip and he jumps from the bed laughing maniacally, sprinting for the bathroom, the pillow I fling after him thumping harmlessly against the door as it closes behind his back. "I hate you!" I call after him, scrubbing at the offended orifice. "Gross, gross, gross, gross, GROSS!"
"Love you, too!" he singsongs back.
I throw another pillow at the closed door for good measure.
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Hey-yo!
Even though they are not romantically enmeshed with each other, i love putting Chihiro and Hisashi in shmexy situations — they have a wonderful chemistry and a lovely relationship that is so very different from Chihiro and Ko's (that difference will become more clear as this fic progresses) *sigh* I am a terrible person, I am so sorry. Fear not, though, Chihiro is all about Ko, even if her body wants to jump the closest body ahaha No, I jest, I jest — but in all seriousness, as I said before, I hate love triangles, so while I love making things physically ambiguous, emotionally we know where everyone stands (well…maybe not Hisashi. But don't worry), and I love friendships that are so solid that physical intimacy does not have to be sexualized (we'll get there eventually, but for now i love to tease!...just wait until the next chapter. oh my. though not nearly as light hearted, unfortunately (how's that for forewarning?).)
I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much I enjoyed writing it (I was definitely giggling towards the end, though the beginning had me clutching my chest. Oof, the feels. More of those to come, as well.)
Thank you for reading and please comment! I 3 feedback! Thank youuu!
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