Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.
LilMisfit - Thank you as ever for the review. I cried writing it!
LuckyU and red lightning thank you for the reviews. Seriously it helps knowing people are liking what I'm writing.
Terzima - Aww, thanks. They so were meant for each other. You're contributing to keeping their story alive as well with your fics and I consider it a pleasure to do so.
A/N I have had this idea for a while. It was originally supposed to be chapter 3 but fits much better here with a few changes (mainly the inclusion of Max).
Please let me know what you think. Please review.
"You ok?" Max asks with genuine concern.
Carrie shook her head, downing the shot of bourbon in one. She was not ok in the slightest. She still hated the stuff and it burned her throat, but she needed something...
"Want to talk about it?"
Carrie didn't respond right away. She had no idea when Max had become such a close friend, but she was glad. She needed that and knowing he had a girlfriend, meant she was sure he wasn't playing the concerned act to try and get in her pants.
"It didn't go well", Carrie finally answers Max's question.
Earlier that day
She was pacing back and forth so much that if she didn't stop she was going to make a hole in the carpet. She stopped. Brody hated the word and so did she. No holes allowed! What to do? She couldn't decide. Stay in and face it or go out and avoid, hoping that he'll get the message and leave her alone. She snorted, he could be just as determined as her when he wanted. At least Max had phoned and warned her to expect a visit very soon. She was dreading seeing him, wasn't sure she was ready or if she ever would be.
A knock at the door halted Carrie's thoughts and drew the breath out of her at the same time. She forced herself to go and open the door. No more avoiding. It was going to be dealt with now whether she wanted it to be or not.
"Hi", he says with an awkward smile.
"Hi, Saul", she responds, making way for him to come inside.
"Thank you", Saul says as Carrie hands him a mug of coffee.
Sipping some of her own coffee to distract from the awkward silences, she contemplated why he was here. Was it because he needed something, because she'd given up her job, because she was avoiding him? He certainly hadn't come all the way from New York just to have lunch with Adal. She wasn't in the mood to discuss it with him, but then she doubted she would ever be.
"You haven't been answering my calls. Again. I thought before the memorial service it was understandable but now?"
There it was. No beating around the bush, Carrie thought before replying, "I've been busy."
"With what?"
"Being a mom."
"And that prevents you from answering the phone does it?", Saul asks with an edge to his voice.
Carrie, sure she heard a noise, doesn't answer right away, listening.
"We're even in the same room at the moment and you're not paying attention", Sauls says tetchily."What are you doing Carrie? You were given a brilliant position, take it up and then suddenly you don't want it anymore. More to the point, it's what you've always wanted and now you just don't?"
"People change, Saul. Even me."
"No! Not even you. This is about Brody isn't it?", he asks with a hint of diapproval.
Carrie feeling guilt surfacing, anger rising and her blood boiling, responds, "it's been very clear for a long time that Brody is not a subject we can discuss. If all you can manage is ridicule then don't pain me further by bothering."
"Me? Me, pain you? What about what he did?", Saul's says, his own voice now rising with anger.
Carrie turns away from him, refusing to answer that question and letting silence fall between them.
"The position of Station Chief is a great responsibility and honour", Saul says more calmly, after a few moments trying to appeal to her.
Carrie turns back around and answers, "being a mom is much more rewarding."
Saul can hardly hold in a snort, "5 months and you're an expert, are you? Why don't you just admit this is about Brody?"
"This is about both of them. Brody and Allayna. My daughter and her father. You want to know what's wrong, Saul. Really? You sure about that?", Carrie asks in anger.
The tone in her voice makes Saul take a step back, but he's pushed her and now she's not relenting.
"Ok, I'll tell you what's wrong. Yes I've been avoiding you and yes I have given up my job. Deal with it. These are my choices. The truth is that there are two people I blame for Brody being dead and they're both standing in this room! There I said it. You happy now, because I sure as hell am not."
Saul looked as though Carrie had just slapped him, but found his voice somehow. "We did the right thing. Relations with Iran are good."
Carrie shook her head, wondering how her father and Maggie ever put up with her being this infuriating.
"How long will that last? We both know it will last as long as some politician decides. Javadi is not to be trusted. Brody is dead for nothing."
"He was going to..."
"Oh change the record Saul. I know what he was going to do, because I'm the one that fucking stopped him. I know what he did to me, because, hey, believe it or not, I was there too. I can't turn my feelings off to suit you and frankly I don't fucking want to. We worked through it and I love him. Get that through your head. I've made my decision. Our daughter comes first", Carrie responds firmly.
"Ever since he entered your life you lost focus on your duty. He was a distraction and..."
Carrie continues as though Saul had't spoken, "there's a little boy without his mother and grandmother, who was in the house while they were murdered and that is on you. My daughter has lost her father. I'm not leaving her...and this discussion is over."
"You will miss the job. You will regret it later on", Saul continues determined to be heard, ignoring the truth of what Carrie had just said.
Carrie fixes him with a cold stare, trying to hold back the emotions threatening to spill out, "the only thing I regret is that it took Brody dying for me to wake up to the fact that there are more important things than my job. It is time for you to leave", Carrie says drained.
"You're just going to throw away everything you worked for?", Saul asks angrily.
Frank had long since learned his little girl didn't need nor want him fighting her battles. That's why he hadn't interrupted when he arrived home with Allayna, had left them to it, but now he'd heard enough.
"She asked you to leave. I strongly suggest you do so. Now!", Frank says sternly to Saul as he comes into the siting room.
Saul stares as Frank walks in to the sitting room and hands Allayna to Carrie. Frank turns back towards Saul.
"I believe you were going."
"She's making a mistake", Saul says firmly as Frank all but pushes him out the door.
"Putting their daughter first over the CIA's crap is not a mistake. But then you wouldn't know anything about that would you?", Frank finishes angrily, slamming the door in Saul's face.
Carrie cradled Allayna, keeping her as close as possible. Saul's arrival had knocked her off balance, dredging up things she thought she had been dealing with. She held on tightlly to Allayna, all she had left of Brody now.
"He's gone", her dad says coming back into the sitting room and pulling her and Allayna into a hug.
Present
Max passed her another shot of bourbon.
"Thanks for the warning. It would have been even worse without knowing he was coming", Carrie answered again downing the shot in one.
"Don't mention it", Max replies.
"What I need right now is another drink and a change of subject", Carrie said.
"Ok, but maybe you should take pity on me and slow down...and why bourbon? That stuff is awful!"
"Blame Brody. His drink of choice when drowning sorrows", Carrie replies.
"Ah, ok.
They sat in silence for a few moments. Max didn't push Carrie further for which she was grateful. He knew she'd talk more when ready.
"Right, I want details", Carrie took the initiative of changing the subject to something more cheery. Max let her.
"Details?", Max asks curious.
"Yes, Q! Details of your first "proper" date with Melanie."
"What? You one of the guys, now?", Max asks cheekily whilst avoiding Carrie's attempted punch on his arm.
"Just spill."
"I might not like bourbon mysef, but surely that'd be a waste?"
"Maaax", Carrie says warningly."
Max just grinned before leaning towards Carrie as though sharing a secret and animatedly began spilling the beans.
Further A/N: I don't know if it was just me, but I thought Carrie was off with Saul in the S3 finale. Maybe it was just me, because I was looking for one chink of light...and because I hated what the writers did with Saul in S3 which probably shows. Please let me know what you think.
