After four months with the new recruits, I have been told many things that have been said about me. All of them concerning if I have a relationship with Levi. Levi and I had decided to keep it a secret even if we didn't have to. Erwin already knew that we were together and had nothing to say about it as long as we did our work, and our work kept us alive. A good amount of people seem to know what is going on, but they don't say anything to them.

I have been to the past two expeditions, mostly because I was a team leader now. It is hard for me to escape and gather intel. My new goal was to find or wait to see if we could have some more people that we could trust to gather the information we need. I would potentially lead that squad. Although, this information gathering was easy and I was good at it, I still hold my father's warning close to heart.


"You'll do fine." I told Jack. "You did great on the last expedition." I have been told to try to encourage my squad members and to not mention any mistakes they may have had in the past... like defecating in front of danger.

"Good job, Carrie!" Hange said. Though I never have any real interactions with her... she is a squad leader as well and a long time veteran. I had to get my advice from somewhere other than Levi... who obviously leads by his strength alone. I didn't know if my strength was great enough to inspire others. I could finally see the toll that these expeditions take on others. We come back, everyone is injured and has seen death. I see it in the eyes of everyone in my squad. I don't know how to bring spirit back in their eyes. I never felt the sting as the others. I haven't even been to all of the expeditions.

"Hange, don't accidentally get yourself caught in a Titan's mouth. Don't be so distracted with admiration." I joked.

"But it's so hard! They are so precious!"

I sighed. I sat through a whole night with her talking about titans in my first couple months here. I was both tired and amazed by her knowledge and her hypothesis. Everything she knows is drilled in my brain, that I feel like I can write a book report about it. We hope that one day she doesn't end up teaching in the trainee class.


It didn't swallow him yet. I can still save him. "Hold on, Jack!" I yelled as I came up behind the Titans neck and slashed it away. The Titan seized to move, so I cut open it's mouth. "I got you, just-!"
I saw a body lying inside the Titans mouth. He was already dead... blood trickled down his neck.
What happened? I was right there. I had almost saved him. Did I cut too deep and kill him?
I looked at Joyce. She just sat there with tears in her eyes. "He cut his throat before the Titan ate him..." she weakly told me. "I never heard of something like this happening."
I didn't either. He killed himself. I was almost there... if I was there sooner he'd be alive.
Suddenly I could hear footsteps getting louder in the background. "Carrie! We need to get to higher ground!" I heard Joyce say. "Carrie!" She pulled on my arm.
But I just looked at the body laying in the decaying-steaming body of a titan... a boy I barely knew. He just graduated and was put in my squad. I could have saved him.
"Carrie!" The body started to get farther away from me. I was in Levi's arms. "I don't mind saving you, but you need to focus." I didn't hear him at the time either. "Carrie? Carrie!"
I cried as I replayed the moment in my head again and again. "He slit his throat..." I finally muttered. "I couldn't save him... and he didn't believe that he would be saved."
Levi didn't say anything. He just held me for a minute as he took me away.
I didn't remember the rest of the day. I don't remember coming back or seeing the citizen's faces at the homecoming I just found myself in my room. It was dark and I just stayed there by myself. Is this how homecomings feel like for most people? Is the pressure of the expeditions finally getting to me? I can't hold myself together. There's no end in sight to this madness...

"Carrie? Are you still in there?" I heard Levi through the door. My voice was lost, I hadn't said anything in a while, I got lost in my own head. "I'm coming in. I brought food." He opened the door with one hand and a tray of food rested on his arm. He walked toward me and laid my food on the desk. "Are you okay?"

"I failed... I told him that I would do my best to save him. I told them all that before every expedition, but what now? Do they still think I can save them?" My face started feeling the trickle of my tears again. "I couldn't even hold myself together for the whole expedition! They counted on me! For a second I thought I had accidentally killed him myself when I sliced that Titan." I sniffled and wiped my tears from my face. "I'm not fit to be a leader."

"Carrie, most of the squad leaders lose their squad on the first expedition. Whether it be a few members, the whole squad, or even themselves trying to save them. You were strong enough to lead them and they all made it through two expeditions. You lost someone, but one day we will be able to remember all of them helping us to achieve our goal."

"What goal?! Stop saying all this non-sense based on Erwin!" I screamed. "I don't know where the end is, where that 'one day' is and neither do any of the people that died and the ones that put their life on the line!"

"Carrie, why did you join if you think like this?"

"You know... for my dream to be with a person I love with a family... Like I have always wanted."

"I'm sure they all had similar reasons, or maybe they were completely different from yours. Stop looking back, okay?"

"How are you able to be so calm and collected when all we do is leave the walls to die in hope that we find new information... How are you the balanced one on this tightrope?!"

"Without sacrifice and loss there is no gain... we can't move forward expecting no loss. I look at each and everyone's sacrifice, and I just remind myself that we are moving forward because of them. If you think it's for nothing, then that is when you become lost..."

"Levi..." I cried and hugged him. "I would just be so lost without you."

"Carrie." His voice turned serious and leveled.

"Yeah?"

"...Let's get married." He said suddenly.
I paused and stared at him for a while. "Did your gear malfunction causing you to fall and hit your head?"
"When am I not serious? Especially with you."
"But do you realize what you're saying?" I laughed nervously. "Like none of us know how long we have, especially us in the Survey corps. We run the risk of dying every time we leave these walls."
"Isn't trying to achieve your dream while you're alive better than living your whole life without trying, or are you not the girl I think you are?"
"Wow, you're seriously talking to me like that." I chuckled and then started laughing nervously. My emotional state was in complete chaos. One minute I am crying and depressed and suddenly I am here, unsure if I should be happy. "You'e not just saying that to stop me from crying."

"I would never do that to you. I'm very serious about you."

"Marriage is a lifetime commitment. I'm sure you're not stupid and I am sure you're aware of that."
"We live our life at constant risk. If you live for one day married, would you think your dream is fulfilled?" While he was talking to me, he was just staring out the window, up at the sky. I still don't know what he was thinking about . His permanent blank stare was forever unreadable to me.
"What about you? What's your dream?"
"Hm... well I pretty much gave up any hope for anything a long time ago."
"What?! I don't believe that. You've been living this whole time with no real goal?"
"I just want to fight for humanity along side everyone and protect you."
I argued, "Don't think I need protecting all the time!"
"Though, I will protect you at all times when I can."

"Levi... don't throw your life away for me."

He groaned. "Are you saying no?"

"NO! Um... not exactly. That's not what I meant. Levi, I love you so much, but don't feel pressured to be with me like that."

He sighed. "I might have said that I have given up on a dream, but ever since you told me about your dreams I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Maybe my dream, my whole entire life was to wait for you and be with you. Now what? Will you deny me my dream?"

"Levi... I..."

"Will you marry me Carrie? I had already asked your father for permission. He said he would grant us permission to buy a house where we can live on our off times between missions. We can have a house in the valley away from everywhere else or in any district you want. As your husband, we can be in the same team with no real discussion, we can help each other fight. I've thought the whole thing through. I am not wasting my life. Let's look forward from now on, Carrie."

"Levi, there's nothing more I want than to be with you."

His eyes seemed relieved.

"Were you... nervous?" I seemed confused. I've known his for so long and I have been hanging around him, yet I have never been able to read his face most of the time.

"Obviously." What Really? Is he serious, he's like the king of calm and serious. "Do you really think I've lost all my humanity? I've never done that before."

I laughed and I felt so relieved. I always felt it impossible to look forward because my past and my responsibilities seemed to call to me everyday. I thought the Titans were holding me back from having a future, but it was me and my stupid thoughts that held me back. Now that I have Levi in my life, for once in my life, I felt like I was looking forward.