Thank you for your reviews.

I was a bit unsure how to take this forward, I had a couple of options but I went with this one hope you like it.


He wonders if he made the right choice, when the dark nights come, when it's bleak, freezing cold and he's so tired he thinks he'll sleep forever only to find he can't sleep… When his mind fills with possibilities, of the could have been's and should have done's…

He wonders if Eileen was right when she pulled him at the rider's dinner on the arm of another rider who she had met, who she said knew how to treat her, and explained to him exactly what Brendan was like who Brendan really cared about, asked if Brendan had told him what it was actually like, the week apart, that what was on offer was actually nothing but a prison... That Brendan would never be there, that he would be off gallivanting around all over the world and he would be left behind, in the background, in the dark, left to wonder…

He wonders if Vinnie had been right at the rider's party when he's told him that a man like Brendan would never want to settle down and pointed out every single person Brendan had fucked, which seemed to be three quarters of the men around, including the married ones, the straight ones that had been experimenting. Vinnie said that the circuit was boring, it was all the same outside the ring and therefore everyone tried to distract themselves with excitement that just about every young man who had come onto the circuit had found themselves in Brendan's bed at some point…

He sighs into his hands and looks around a bit tries to shake the feeling that he could have had something so different, a world away from where he is now.

He had been right in ways he hadn't imagined, he was wrong in so many others…

"Ste where are you?" Chris calls.

"I'll be down in a minuet."

"Time waits for no man."

He rolls his eyes sighing.

"Then stop wasting your time shouting at me and go make a start."

He hears the door click shut.

He shakes his head, sighs and grabs his jeans off the floor.

Two years… Two years, four months, five days ago today he had made the biggest decision of his life…

He pulls on a jumper, it's not even light outside, he bets it's still snowing, still blowing a gale… He's really not in the mood for it, it can just fuck off, cold fine, snow fine, wind no. He pulls out another pair of socks, he can't remember where he'd put his second set of thermal ones, they're properly in the wash, he sighs and pulls out a pair of woolly long ones. He picks his hat up off the side where he'd thrown it just before crawling into his cold bed the night before.

He hasn't got time for breakfast, not even coffee, those extra precious moments wrapped in his quilt had been worth it.

He pulls on a black fleece and his jacket, checks his gloves are still crammed in his pockets in amongst a load of wrappers.

He looks out the window, the snows abated, the moon reflects off it, it's frosty… He sighs pulls on his boots, takes in the warmth of being inside before he steps out in to the cold, it almost knocks the wind out of him. His cheeks start to tingle before he even has the door shut. Breath billows out in front of him, the winds dropped to nothing overnight. His feet crunch in the mix of the fresh snow and the hard of the more compact older snow underneath.

"It's all frozen up again." Thea states as she comes out of the hay shed with a couple of hay nets.

"Fucks sake." Carrying water is the last thing he wants to do. "Got enough for the time being?"

"Yeah maybe when Brendan gets back…" She stops before she can finish.

He knows he's scowling.

There's plenty of things that Brendan's going to be doing when he gets back and taking a blow torch to the drinkers in the old block isn't on the list.

Brendan was meant to be back two days ago after three fucking weeks away but the weather had made travelling hazardous, he and Ann were stuck with the lorry in Liverpool, or rather Newmarket until it was safer. A friend of Brendan's had offered some stables for the horses and a roof over their heads until they could travel.

He goes into the hay shed thankful for the lighting and that he bothered to get the buckets laid out the night before, he opens the feed bins, checks the names on the buckets and starts putting the morning feeds up, it reminds him of cooking only the ingredients are various mixes of course mix and supplements. He knows them by heart. Which horse gets what without the list that Ann had stuck up for reference. Everything written down in glorious detail so that if there's ever a doubt it can be checked.

The supplements have to be measured just like spices, sprinkled in and mixed thoroughly together. He slices carrots in as a finisher.

He stacks the buckets according to which stable will be last on each trip. He lift four and takes them out into the inner yard. They're all waiting for him, heads over the doors illuminated by the lighting behind them that spills out across the yard making it easy to keep his feet. Minnie grunts a little neigh at him and knocks her foot against the door.

"Pack it in or you'll be last." He states, not that she knows what he's saying, he's learned that it's not what you says it's more how you say it.

He drops the buckets down next to Crackers stable and pulls his rubber bucket off the top leaning into the door with it so he can pull the catch and slips inside pulling the door too behind him.

"Wait." He states as Cracker practically assaults the bucket in his arms, he turns slightly to get a bit of distance before putting the bucket down. While his heads down he slides his hand up his neck grips the top of his rug, pulls it forward to make sure it's not rubbing. He pulls a glove off with his teeth, slides his hand down until he reaches Cracker's ear, gently wraps his fingers around the base and checks that he's warm enough. Makes sure there's still water in the big bucket that they're using because the drinkers keep freezing up.

He gives him a quick once over to make sure he's not knocked himself and the stables as he expects, no sigh of anything off. Ann had explained it to him one day, walking into a stable and just knowing something is not right, knowing a horse, they're habits, knowing without looking too closely that a stable is normal for that horse whether that's a big indent where it's been lying down or the banks of shavings being found in a pile in the morning, a messy stable, a tidy stable, each horse has it's own way.

He feeds the others, makes sure they're all warm, have water, enough hay and are generally alright before heading down into the main yard.

Chris and Thea are already starting to rug the horses to go out into the field, changing them from soft stable rugs into the waterproof turn out rugs. He goes into Polo's stable, feels around in his pockets for a spare sweet and gives it to him before changing his rugs over, pulling his head collar on and leading him down to the field.

He loves watching them when they're first let out in the morning, the fresh snow makes it more entertaining, especially the younger ones, Bullet is the best, as soon as his head collar's off he's trotting around, then he stops rolls around a bit, heaves himself back up, shakes himself then shoots off at full pelt bucking and squealing, which usually sets Lotty and Glynn off too. He walks down between the two fields they've been using and checks the drinkers which are frozen over he picks up the hammer next to the trough, knocks off the little snow on it and breaks the ice, lifting the bigger chunks out with the side of the hammer and the tips of his gloved fingers, sighs with relief when the drinkers splutter. The added insulation he and Jackie had wrapped around the pipes the previous day when the temperature had risen just enough for the ice to give a bit paying off.

He needs another couple of round bails brought down. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and puts a reminder in to text Mr Holden son, James, the farmer who sells them the big round bails of hay down for the field feeders in a couple of days and arrange him to bring a couple more down.

There's a text off Cheryl. A picture of a beautiful beach, bright sunshine and her toes at the bottom.

Merry Christmas from paradise xxx

Nate had whisked her off on a holiday in Australia, three months into the six months they're travelling around for, at least she's found time to rub it in. He smiles a bit. She'd rang him the other day to tell him it was hitting 35 degrees and moaning about being too hot and to check that her horses were alright. He'd replied that it was minus five and his toes were about to drop off and to stop worrying about her horses, to enjoy herself and get a tan for him.

It didn't feel like Christmas, it felt like any other day. He was doing the same things he'd been doing since Cheryl had gone and he'd taken over running the yard with the help of the others. He was the boss though, Brendan left him in charge. He was making sure the bills were paid and the horses were fine. Talking to owners. Filling in entry forms for shows and sending them off when Brendan wasn't here to do it himself. All decisions when Brendan or Ann weren't here went through him, in fact he'd noticed that he was making more and more decisions when they were. He was running the holiday riding business for Cheryl although at this time of year there wasn't much doing, it was mostly bills to keep the horses over the winter months.

When she had showed him what he needed to do, he thought he was in over his head but once he got his head around it he could easily manage it although it would be easier still if he could just run both yards together inside of constantly having to make sure that he was paying out and into the right account.

Chris and Thea have started mucking out and he joins in. He hated it when he learnt how to do it and he still hates it now, but it's got to be done, with the three of them all pitching in it's finished quicker. He and Thea skip out the stables in the inner yard while Chris fill the hay nets for later.

"Water now or later?" He asks for their opinion. He'd rather get it over with. So would they. He fills the buckets from the tap inside the coal house then takes his turn to carry the water down to the inner yard. Puts the buckets down, opens the door, takes the buckets in, closes the door, carries the buckets to the corner and fills the big bucket. And repeat. It's hard work but given that the day before they'd had to carry buckets down to the fields because the drinkers wouldn't fill he'll take it. That had been knackering, his arms had felt like they were going to drop off, his back had ached so much he thought he was going to snap in half. The wind had nearly blown him over, the buckets had knocked into his legs and splashed on him, his jeans had been like cardboard when he'd gotten in…

He offers to make everyone breakfast as soon as they're done and they all pile in to the house. It's strange not having the phone ringing, emails to respond to, horses to exercise but it's Christmas so it's a day off. Funny how his days off used to be doing nothing, now they're just doing less.

He cooks sausage sandwiches for them all.

"What time's dinner?"

"Three ish." He knows they want to go to the pub although the roads are a bit of a state so that plan may have changed. He'd volunteered to make Christmas dinner for everyone. It was his first Christmas on the yard, the year before he and Brendan had spent it in Manchester with Amy, Tim and the kids. Boxing day getting home and the day after Boxing day with Declan and Padraig. This year was meant to be him and Brendan at home together, with the team but together especially as they'd spent so much time apart this year.

He'd tried to enjoy the show circuit. Stuck it out a year before the constant travelling, the constant grind had worn him down. It had been exciting at first travelling, seeing places he'd never been before meeting new people but it seemed like they were never still, and even if they were a thousand miles away from the previous show the same faces were present. A show could be five days or it could be two, even one then on to the next one or back home if they needed to for a couple of days. Although as soon as they were back it was the rush to get ready for the next show. He seemed to spend two days just washing clothes and straightening the house up.

It was Brendan's passion and he loved watching him, still couldn't help but hold his breath at every fence even after watching more rounds than he'd like to count, the swell of pride when he did well but it was a grind. And he'd finally had enough when Brendan had been called up to the National team to jump in Germany a day after they had driven back from Spain. He'd buried his frustration beneath the pride and happiness that he had felt for Brendan realising his dream of representing his country, he was proud of him, so happy for him but it gotten to him in a way that he couldn't brush off.

He wanted to be at home, he wanted to feel like he had a home not just a place that he did the washing in and happened to have a few more clothes than the lorry. He didn't mind the lorry, it was comfortable but it was small and cramped with three of them even if Ann didn't always sleep in there, gave them time alone... It shouldn't have mattered, he should have been happy to just be with Brendan, he was… But he felt less like his lover, his boyfriend and more like his secretary with each passing show as people got to know who he was, answering Brendan's calls, it hadn't taken long before Ann had suggested that he deal with the owners because he was usually free to answer the phone. He'd done it and found that he quite liked most of them and he knew more about the plans for each horse because it was constantly in and around conversation than he even realised. Which had turned into him doing the entry forms because he knew which shows and which classes each horse was doing. It took pressure off Brendan and it helped Ann…

It wasn't Brendan's fault, it wasn't his but constantly being together had put a pressure on them both, there was no space, no room. It was all about the horses, all about getting to the next level, making it, getting the best out of every horse, every round. He felt like if he said anything that he was getting in Brendan's way to the top, like he was going to hold him back, make him unhappy, so he kept his mouth shut and tried to keep his head down but it just wasn't him. He wasn't that person. He'd never been able to keep him mouth shut for long.

He wanted his own life, a life with Brendan but not Brendan's life.

He'd gone to Germany, he'd been the good boyfriend, good stable lad, he'd gone to the snotty party put up with Brendan schmoozing his way around the room which he knew Brendan hated doing but he had to. It was what he had to do to get the contacts he needed, kept his name in people's minds.

He'd barely said two words all evening, it was the same shit just a different place so hadn't felt the need to speak, which had started an argument on the way back to the lorry, which had gotten nasty on both sides and had ended with him getting a taxi to the airport and the soonest flight to Manchester alone. He went to see Amy and the kids, she had moved with Tim not long after he had moved to Ireland, there were no ties to Hollyoaks for her without him.

He'd cried so hard it felt like he'd never stop into her shoulder. He loved Brendan, loved him more with every passing day, wanted to spend the rest of his life with him but he couldn't stand to even be in the same room as him.

"You need something for you." Amy had said in the morning when he'd calmed down.

He had five missed calls from Brendan and seventeen from Ann. He rang Ann back.

"I'll be back in a few days." He had sighed once he had explained where he was.

"We'll be in Ulster." She had the good grace to wince enough that he could hear it.

"I know. I'll be at home." The schedule of events seemed to be lodged in his brain. He knew every show that was coming for the next six weeks and the ones pencilled in for the next six months without even having to think too much about it. He knew more about where Brendan and Ann would be than they did.

"Please tell me you will though, I don't think I can put up with him if you're not coming back?"

He heard Brendan demanding the phone off her.

"I'll be at home when you get back." He'd stated firmly.

"He's going out of his mind, thinks that you don't love him anymore." He managed a smile at the sound of Brendan swearing at her for daring to say that…

"I'll be home in a few days and I'll see him when he gets back… I just need a break and tell him, tell him… I'll never stop loving him."

"He wants to talk to you…"

"I'll see you both when you get back, just tell him."

"I will."

He spent a couple of days playing with the kids and being by himself, got a brief taste of life without having anywhere to be. But he did have somewhere to be.

Cheryl had hugged the life out of him as soon as he'd stepped out the taxi. Fussed over him for hours like she could make everything alright between him and Brendan by her own sheer will.

He'd gotten sick of it pretty quickly, needed a bit of time, he tacked up Polo and taken him off on a ride down the fields to the cliff tops, got off and let him graze while he sat on the grass and looked at the sea, the waves crashing. He loved this place. It was so different from anywhere else. It was where he'd chosen to be, he'd given up everything, his job, close contact with his children to live here. He wanted to live here.

When he'd gotten back, untacked and put Polo back out into the field he'd driven straight up to the pub a couple of miles up the road and asked if there were any jobs going in the kitchen. Mrs Hayes had offered him a month trial immediately, a couple of days a week.

He'd been standing at the kitchen counter on the phone to Mr Friars about the classes that Des has coming up which had turned into a general chat about her grandkids and the cheeky little Shetland pony she had bought for them when Brendan had walked in. He'd wrapped up the call as quickly as possible while Brendan leaned back against the other counter, cross his arms and stared at him.

"I'm going to stay here."

Brendan had nodded slowly.

"I've got a job a couple of nights a week, I'll help Cheryl out and I'll still be the point of call for the owners but I'm not travelling to every show anymore…"

"Anything else?"

"Yeah…" He moved across the floor and kissed Brendan hard, knocking a groan out of him, he pushed himself back. "I missed you."

He missed Brendan terribly as he had struggled to get used to being at home with only Cheryl for company at night but when Brendan was home it was better than ever between them. There was no taking each other for granted, the easiness returned between them, the fun came back. He still went to the occasional show and really enjoyed them again. The novelty returned and he spent his time catching up with people who he hadn't seen in ages and enjoying the show atmosphere again, noticed it again after so long being unable to because it was constant.

Spending time at the yard helping Cheryl he'd been able to practice his riding more, get better, stronger, he'd started really putting the effort in so he could ride out properly. He enjoyed it. He loved the freedom it gave him, the adventures he could have, he'd spent days riding around going out with the groups learning the routes. He started riding other horses, any of Cheryl's were fine, he could only ride Minnie and Jim from Brendan's string and only if Thea was with him. Jack was too flighty and unpredictable.

When Cheryl had announced she was going on the Australia trip she had asked Jackie, a woman from the village down the road who had helped out on and off when Cheryl needed her if she would come on board closer to full time, she worked flexi time really, as much as she could manage around her kids. Jackie was a wealth of knowledge and experience.

Chris had started working for Brendan mid-summer as a work rider / groom after falling out with his previous employer after divorcing his employer's daughter. Pete knew him and recommended him. With more horses in his string Brendan needed another strong rider at home to keep things ticking. Chris was a very good rider. He had also been around a bit and realised that he was never going to get to the top himself, he'd gotten over his bitterness apparently and now just wanted to work with horses. He's a decent bloke, a good laugh most of the time, all the women in the village had fallen at his feet but he was still nursing a broken heart which made them all swoon more.

He'd had to give up his job at the pub when Cheryl left. He had to be on the yard. He had Thea and Chris to cook for most nights anyway since both of them were hopeless. Brendan and Ann as well when they were back…

He slams his knife down on the chopping board making the carrot jump. Places hands either side of it and bows his head.

"They'd be back if they could be." Thea says.

He exhales sharply. He knows he's been that obvious since Brendan had rang and told him that it was looking unlikely they'd be able to get back.

"I know." He's just really fucking misses him.

"Come on mate it'll lift in a few days." Chris adds handing him a beer. "I'll stick the fire on."

It's warm enough without the fire being on.

"Should really do presents." He sighs. He wonders over to the tree he had pulled out of the loft and set up. He'd made a massive effort to get the place looking as festive as possible, not just for Brendan but Amy was coming over with the kids in a couple of days if they could get over in the bad weather, they might be able to make it, he sighs. He wanted the house to look good for them too.

He hands their gifts to them. Not much but their Christmas bonus was already in their bank accounts so this was just his token of thanks for helping him out so much. He'd already bought for Jackie, her kids and her husband and given her them before she had taken the Christmas holidays.

Thea holds up the necklace that she had admired so much at the jewellery store in Dublin. Brendan hadn't been bothered by how much he spent as long as it was from both of them. He stayed within reason.

She kisses him on the cheek.

"Mate you shouldn't have." Chris states holding up a bottle of twenty year old whiskey and smiling brightly. That one had been Brendan's choice when he'd suggested it.

Thea rushes out the house and returns quickly with pink cheeks and hands him two gifts. A new set of measuring spoons which was a sort of running joke between them after his last set, and the set before had ended up down the stables in the feed room much to his annoyance along with a new chopping board and a thick jumper in the other.

"Thanks." He looks under the tree at the gifts he had gotten for the kids, Leah, Lucas, Declan, Padraig, he'd even bought something for Eileen just some chocolates but it was more than Brendan was planning on giving her when they, he hoped, they went up to see them on New year's eve. Amy and Tim's gifts as well.

Chris and Thea try and keep his spirits up helping him in the kitchen. Chris makes vodka jelly for later. Thea helps wrap the sausages with bacon.

They watch a kids film with the fire blazing as the smell of Turkey fills the air.

He lays the table for the three of them and puts out far more crackers than really needed. They all groan at the jokes inside then settle down to watch the Bond film.

As soon as the credits roll they get up and go back outside getting the horses in from the fields, putting them back in the stables changing the rugs back, checking the drinkers are still working in the main block just in case.

He makes sure that all the horses are settled for the night before going back into the house and into a drinking game to Die Hard DVD. Thea knows all the rules and has them knocking back far too much.

By the time Thea and Chris go back next door to the staff house as everyone called it he wondered back down the yard and did the night check. The cold sobering him up far too much for his liking. Brendan hadn't even rang him, all day he's had to ring him and just wish him a Merry Christmas, hell just a "is everything okay? All the horses okay?" would have done, he didn't even need to ask how he was, that might have been too much to ask. He refuses to ring him.

He turns off all the lights, fairy lights the lot and lies himself out on the sofa with a couple of cans of larger and watches Fight Club he can't bare going to bed alone not tonight. It's meant to be a family day, his boyfriend is in another country along with his kids. He finishes off the vodka jelly.

"Steven." He groans and turns over. He frowns at the huffed laugh. Sounds like… He's dreaming. Lips pressed against his neck and the pressure of fingers in his hair. "You going to wake up?"

He turns over so quickly the room spins. He opens his eyes and closes them again against the bright room. He has to open them again. He caught a glimpse, that's not enough.

Brendan crouched down next to the sofa, looking like the best thing he's seen in weeks, since the last time he had seen him. He wraps his hand around the back of Brendan's neck and pulls him into a filthy kiss. He doesn't care that he properly tastes like booze, Brendan can deal with it. He's been deprived of this for too long. He pulls Brendan on top of him, groans in his mouth half hard already, he pulls at Brendan's coat, Christ there's far too many layers, he pulls at them, pushes at them he wants skin, Brendan's stubble grates on his cheek, breath hot on his skin. He pushes himself up and pulls his t-shirt over his head, the look on Brendan's face is priceless, the lust, the longing, he looks up and down at his torso then buries his face against his chest, sucks at his nipple until he arcs up, pressing at the back of his neck to get him closer, his heart beat thuds heavily in his ears, he feels fingers clawing at his jeans he lifts up as Brendan pushes them down then immediately swallows down his cock to the root, he bucks up, Brendan pushes down, throat fluttering.

"Fuck." He groans looking down as Brendan looks up, his cock between those wonderful lips as he draws up and flicks at the head, he throws his head back. "Fuck please…" He hears Brendan belt buckle hit the carpet then he's been picked up and turned over the back of the sofa, the first lick has him pushing back, Brendan's tongue licking long strips over his hole. "Fucking, fuck…" He cries out as Brendan pushes the tip inside… He knows Brendan loves this. Loves driving him insane, he lets him, takes everything that Brendan offers, every flick, every lick, pushing back for more. Nothing compares to this. He thought he knew sex then he'd met Brendan and everything changed, he'd never felt anything like what Brendan could do to him.

The first push of his cock is hard to take, but he forces himself to relax against the intrusion knowing that whatever pain he gets will be worth the pleasure that Brendan can coax out of him, he leans forward and bites into his own forearm as a release.

It's always like this after time apart, a couple of days or three weeks it's carnal, absolute want mixing with utter need, Brendan always gives him a couple of seconds, always waits until he pushes back before he starts fucking him, hard punishing strokes that leave him crying out, swearing, begging anything, anything to get over the edge… Brendan wraps a hand around his cock which he pushes into, Brendan will get him there, them there he knows he will, the pressure builds, the tension settles and blooms in his muscles building and building... "Come on Steven." The rumble of that voice, three hard, precise strokes, a hard bite to his shoulder, another thrust deeper, he can't hold back. His muscles shudder, he groans out between panting breathes as Brendan trembles against his back, leans forward and pants into the cushions.

Brendan kisses his neck, rubs stubble along his too sensitive skin then gently withdraws his cock.

"Really fucking missed you." He turns and buries his tongue in Brendan's mouth. He gets moved until he's lying on Brendan, head just under his throat, leg between his.

"Merry Christmas." Brendan states.

"It's Boxing day." The clock above the fire says it's five in the morning.

"Same difference. I'm here aren't I?"

"Need to get up in an hour." He mumbles, sighing.

"Think your boss might let you have a lie in?"

"Doubt it he's a bastard."

"Must have some redeeming features?"

He hums in agreement. Brendan strokes his back soothingly.