Ossa Mea

Breathing

Casey remained unconscious, hanging on to life by a thread, but Severide didn't alter his routine, not even one tiny bit. Every day when he arrived he would go to Casey and take his right hand, kiss it, stroke his nerveless fingers before kissing his forehead and stroking back his hair which had grown longer now. Every day when he left he would do the same and whisper to Casey. "I love you." He'd never know if Casey could hear him or not because he would never be able to tell him. But he hoped that he would leave the earth knowing that he was loved. Completely and unconditionally loved.

Severide was by Casey's side all day, every day. He heard every small moan of pain, heard him struggle to breathe, saw every tiny movement of his eyes under closed lids. Severide's heart missed a beat every time he heard the monitor sounded when one of Casey's vitals changed. He even assisted the nurses with changing the bedding. And he helped to bathe him every day and move his position so he didn't develop pressure sores anywhere on his body. He spent hours reading to him and telling him the gossip he had heard from the nurses. He told him about all the latest news from 51 that had been passed on to him from Boden and Shay. But Casey didn't wake. It was just as if he was sleeping. But Severide knew in his heart that Casey wasn't just sleeping. He knew he was dying. His organs would begin to close down soon and he prayed that Casey wouldn't be in any pain when that started. He knew Casey would never wake up again. He would never see that beautiful dimpled smile and those amazing oceanic eyes. Severide was just going through the motions, waiting for the inevitable. It would break his heart even though he knew Casey would leave him any day now.

Most of those who worked at firehouse 51 came to visit Casey and even other firehouses made the effort to come and see him. The news of his shooting and of his illness had spread like wildfire weeks back and Herrmann, being the man he was, had started a collection to help with bills and so on. Casey was a very well-liked and much-respected Lieutenant so there was no surprise when he made the announcement in Molly's one evening about how much they had collected so far and donations were still flooding in for Casey.

Some of Casey's visitors had said very little, unable to overcome their emotions at seeing such a fit young man in such a terrible situation. Others had recalled tales of past adventures as well as misadventures with the CFD. Severide kept to Casey's wish and decided not to contact his mom and sister until after he had passed. He would then give each of them their own short letter that Casey had transcribed. Shay had proved to be an unbreakable support for Severide, making sure he ate, slept and showered every day, and she comforted him despite wanting to break down into tears herself.

Five days after Severide had held his hand and told Casey he could let go, his eyes opened. They were heavy lidded and glassy as he struggled to focus, but no recognition was there and they closed again. Severide questioned Casey's doctor when he came into the room to check on things a short time after Casey's eyes had flickered open.

"He's had his eyes open doc... only for a second or two... and I don't know if he saw me but they were open…" Severide tried not to feel too elated, cautious that it might not mean anything.

"Kelly, his condition has begun to stabilise," the doctor nodded, "It's good news."

"How? You gave him a week… what's happened?" Severide's heart leapt into his mouth at the news.

"His vitals are starting to improve a little and his body is beginning to fight the infection and pneumonia. His lungs are clearing and the scan from this morning shows no more spread that we can detect. His white blood cell count is increasing and the infection is no longer so virulent."

"Is he still going to die?" Severide questioned. "Thought white blood cells increasing meant infection?"

"In Matt's case this is really good, before his body wasn't able to fight the infection, his white count dropped because the bacteria was resistant but the oxygen therapy has helped his body to increase infection fighting cells," the doctor explained. "I'm hopeful he might just beat this," he nodded with reassurance.

"No more than hopeful?"

"There are no guarantees for him Kelly, but it's started to look very positive now as far as we can tell. Put it this way - he's not getting any worse and he has improved a little overall."

"Thanks doc," Severide said before he sat back down at Casey's side.

"I'm glad I could give you good news, Kelly." The physician left the room and Severide picked up Casey's right hand once more now the two of them were alone.

"Hear that, Matty? You're getting a bit better, you're beating this thing. You're doing so well… you can't let go now, ya hear me?" Severide heaved a huge sigh and held Casey's hand to his lips, kissing it softly.


Six days after Severide had held Casey's hand and told him he could let go his respiration and oxygen saturation rate had increased and they were able to replace to positive pressure ventilation mask with a standard non-rebreather. Severide felt a sense of hope he hadn't had for a long time, although he tried not to let himself feel too optimistic yet.

When Casey opened his eyes almost a week after Severide had told him he could let go he clumsily tried to move his right hand up to take off his mask. He didn't succeed but Severide couldn't stop smiling, and he watched Casey with tear-filled eyes, scarcely believing what he was seeing.

Casey blinked to clear his vision and when his eyes started to focus properly he saw Severide grinning down at him. He returned the smile and pulled the mask away from his face, slipping it to one side so he could speak. "Hey Kel..." he croaked, his voice didn't sound like his own. It was strained and quiet, and his throat was raw.

"Hey yourself." Severide had hold of Casey's right hand again, stroking his fingers softly.

"I had... the strangest dream..."

"Oh yeah? What?" Severide was still grinning, and Casey didn't think he'd ever seen him grin so wildly, but then he didn't know he was lying in a hospital bed and that he had been so close to death for such a long time.

"Not… telling…" A faint smile came over Casey's weary features.

"You can't just say you had the strangest dream and decide not to divulge its contents..."

'"Why? Think... you were… in it? Nah... peacocks…" Casey's voice was hoarse and fading.

"Matty?" Severide frowned, not sure he had heard right.

"Giant peacocks..." Casey repeated.

"Oh boy, you are on some good drugs..."

"Uh huh..." was Casey's only response as his eyes close and he drifted off back to sleep. Casey didn't wake again until the following day and he wasn't very lucid when he did. He didn't really grasp what was going on or where he was, but he didn't care. He felt like his head was stuffed with cotton wool, his chest ached terribly and he couldn't move much. But nothing mattered because Severide was right by his side.


Casey was still sleeping most of the time, even though his system was stabilising and his fever had dropped back to around 100. More scans showed that the bone infection hadn't spread any further even though his blood tests still showed infection, the pneumonia was still present in his lungs and his body was slowly but surely fighting it. His lungs were becoming clearer each day. The hyperbaric chamber treatment had created a turning point. It had allowed Casey's body to fight back.

"Hey baby," Severide said, watching intently as Casey's eyes flickered open a while later. "Don't… let me do that," he told Casey after he had somehow managed to hit himself in the face with his right arm as he tried to remove the oxygen mask. It was irritating him now and he wanted it off. "Ok, let's get this on instead…" Severide slipped the mask from Casey's face and replaced it with the nasal cannula.

"Mm…" Casey frowned. "Where..?"

"You're in the hospital," he replied clearly.

"Uhh…" Casey just grimaced.

"Pain?"

"Back… my… arm…"

"Ok, don't worry, you've not had any painkillers for a few hours but you'll feel better real soon..." Severide hit the PCA button. "Promise ya."

"You're a..." Casey whispered a few moments later once the drugs had hit his system.

Severide laughed. "I'm a what?" he asked, wondering what Casey was gonna come out with next.

"Wizard..."

"Wizard, huh?" Severide repeated. "That's a new one. You dreamed about those as well? Giant peacocks versus Wizards?

"Huh?" A thoroughly bemused look crossed Casey's face. "Wha… are ya… talkin' 'bout..?"

"Never mind, not important." Severide laughed.

"Don't confuse… me…" Casey coughed out, his cough wasn't likely to clear for at least another six weeks but at least it would clear. "Head… feels funny…" Casey whispered and after a few moments of looking up at Severide with drug glazed eyes he just came out with, "You really need a shave."

Severide laughed once again and started to tease him. "Well, I don't have a whole floor of nursing staff falling over themselves because of my beauty, and pampering me with bed baths, and doing..." he trailed off.

Casey was asleep. He stared down at him, Casey really was beautiful even though he had lost so much weight, even though his skin was tired and pale, even though he was still bed bound, attached to countless tubes and wires, and surrounded by medical equipment. Casey would always be the most beautiful thing in Severide's eyes.


Over the next few days Casey's lucidity improved hugely and memories of what had been happening to him began to surface. Severide was sitting by him late one afternoon with an almost completed Sudoku puzzle book he had been occupying his time with. Casey had been asleep almost all day, only waking for brief moments.

"How… long?" Casey's voice croaked sleepily.

"It's September 21st," Severide replied as he put down the puzzle book.

"I missed… summer…"

"Yeah but there's gonna be plenty more of those." Severide smiled.

"So… not dying?" he questioned.

"Not anytime soon. Not if I have anything to do with it," Severide told him with a renewed confidence in his voice.

"Don't understand..?"

"It worked Matty, the hyperbaric treatment worked. And it's still working. You still need a lot more sessions as well as the antibiotics but it's all working. You're gonna get better now," Severide's voice wobbled a little as he spoke.

Casey swallowed the lump in his throat. "Thought… I was a goner…" Tears sprang into his eyes and trickled down his cheeks. "Thought I was… gonna leave you... sorry…"

"Hey, hey, it's ok…" Severide rubbed Casey's arm, careful not to dislodge any of the tubing. "You fought this so hard and you did it, you did it. We can go back home and have the rest of our lives together."

"When… go home..?"

"There we go." Severide smiled.

"Wha..?"

"That's the question I've been waiting to hear since you opened your eyes a week ago," he explained. "And the answer – not soon," he said honestly.

"Not soon?"

"Few weeks… maybe." Severide knew it would not be the answer Casey wanted but it was the honest one.

"Weeks?"

"Matt everyone thought you were going to die, you were dying… it's gonna take a while to recover but you will," Severide nodded. "And I'll be right here with you."

"I don't… deserve you…" Casey whispered, "Always here?"

"Of course I'm always here," he replied, "I said I'd never leave, you'll believe me one day, right?"

"Believe you today…" Casey was struggling to keep his eyes open now. "You need to go back to work… place will fall apart without you…"


Severide went back to work a few days later. It was his first day back on shift after his extended furlough and Casey found it strange to return to an empty room when he got back from the hyperbaric chamber session. He spent most of the rest of the day drifting in and out of sleep. He was still confined to the bed, he was still unable to even sit himself up without support and help. He was lying on his right side, eyes closed, when he heard the sound of light footsteps which stopped when they reached his side. He opened his eyes to see his nurse standing over him with a tray of equipment.

"Hey sweetie, just need to get your PEG tube ready and get those stitches out your arm," she warned him gently.

Casey shifted slowly and tentatively over onto his back, his left arm proving useless and falling limply by his side as he did so. He looked at it miserably. He was barely capable of moving it at all and his fingers had no strength. He couldn't see how it would recover sufficiently for him to ever re-join 51 but at least he was alive. Whilst he had been confined to a hospital bed the staff had worked with him to keep his muscles in reasonable condition which would make his recovery far easier. His spinal cord was still a little inflamed from the abscesses, he'd regained feeling and movement but the nurses and Severide could see how his movements were jerky at times and he had not walked for over a month now. Once he had been properly assessed he would start seeing a physiotherapist who would implement a rehabilitation regime for him, but that would have to wait until his vitals had improved further.

Sensing his thoughts the nurse began to reassure him, "You'll be seeing the physio pretty soon Matt, and then you'll get your strength back." She opened up his gown and readied his PEG tube. "There we go," she smiled. "Just gonna take out those stitches now, won't hurt one bit."

Casey was deep in thought as she got to work on his arm. "Will I… be able… to walk?" he asked in a soft voice, "I mean... I can feel my… legs now… but…"

"The doctors don't see any reason why you won't make a full recovery," she told him as she continued to snip the stitches and remove the threads.

"Really?" he questioned hoarsely, "After… everything?"

The nurse just nodded. "Yes, even after everything."

He looked down at the arm she was working on. "Almost lost that arm... so I should be able to move it properly again?'

"Full recovery will include your arm, Matt," she smiled. "Right, now it's incredibly weak from infection and surgeries. You've lost both tissue and bone, but they filled the bone," she explained, "So it will regain its full strength after rehab," she explained.

"Oh right…" he muttered in realisation, "Sorry... tired." His eyes were heavy and he wanted to close them.

"Get some sleep then, I'm not gonna be too long here."

"Spent most of this year asleep...I think..." he grinned, "But... still feel like I could... sleep for weeks..."

"You're probably going to, Matt. And that's a good thing. You need to do that to recover."


Recovery didn't happen quickly. There were very few remarkable feats but day by day Casey improved a little. His coughing fits lessened, his breathing started to ease and his waking hours increased. Physical therapy was completely exhausting for him but then so was just existing.

Casey was lying flat on his back in bed, physically and emotionally drained. He had just completed his first session down in the rehabilitation suite after a week of short exercises and stretches in his room. He had managed to stand up from the bed a few times, and taken a couple of shaky steps once. Today he had succeeded in walking along a row of bars assisted by two of his therapists, and then he had finally collapsed down into his wheelchair. Now he was aching all over and sweating like mad with the exertion. They were having less success with his arm, although his strength in it was growing a little each day. It would still take some time to regain its full range of movement though, he would have to complete every exercise set out for him each day.

Severide was sat silently in his room, he knew Casey wasn't up for much, he knew how drained he was after his rehab session, but he wanted to keep him company, he was scrolling through his phone when the nurse entered.

"Lunch time, Matt," she smiled at him while she prepared his feed. Despite Casey's exhaustion he opened his gown so the nurse could get to the PEG tube and he watched thoughtfully as the liquid was syringed in.

"Could I… have some real food… maybe?" he asked hesitantly.

The fact that Casey had even asked piqued Severide's interest, and he grinned, knowing how much this meant. They had asked Casey a few days back if he felt up to eating but he'd refused, recalling how ill it had made him previously. "You feel up to it?" Severide smiled.

"Think so…" Casey just shrugged his right shoulder.

"What would you like sweetie?" the nurse asked, "Some scrambled eggs to start with?"

"Sounds good," he replied.

"Right, scrambled egg it is then," the nurse beamed. "I'll make sure you get that instead of this…" she eyed the PEG tube as she fastened his gown back up, "… for dinner later."

"Thanks..." Casey said. "Feels like… months since… I ate food..."

"You're very welcome, Matt. I'm glad to see that you're getting your appetite back."


Casey had eaten his scrambled eggs at dinner with no issues but the next day after trying some soup for lunch his stomach rebelled and he threw up over the bed sheets before he'd managed to grab the basin, he'd been on his own, Severide was at work and he had the embarrassing task of calling for the nurse to clean up the mess he'd made.

"Sorry..." he was muttering as she came into the room.

"Matt, what have I told you about apologising?" she smiled as she gathered up the top sheet. "This is my job, to look after you, and I'm more than happy to do it. Believe me sweetie, I've seen far worse, you know."

"Yeah… suppose so... thanks," Casey smiled wanly.

The nurse unfolded a clean fresh sheet and laid it over Casey, before she unfastened his gown and removed it, immediately dressing him in a clean one. "Right, I'll be back in a minute, then I'm going to remove the stitches in your back and then…" she smiled, "I'm gonna give you my world famous sponge bath. Sound good? You'll feel better after that."

"Yeah, sounds good... thank you."


Nearly four weeks after Casey had started his recovery he took his first unaided steps.

"You're walking," Severide's voice was raised with elation as he watched Casey, who just laughed lightly as he continued to make his way to where Severide stood. He was still unsteady on his feet and every step was exhausting him but he was doing it, and he wouldn't give up until he reached him.

He almost collapsed into Severide's arms. "I did it… I walked…" he said breathlessly as the physio brought the wheelchair over to them.

"You sure did," Severide agreed wholeheartedly as he helped Casey down into the chair.

He was dripping with sweat and he was struggling to catch his breath back. "Think… I could… sleep… for a week… now…"

"No way, you've slept enough recently," Severide grinned, "I want to spend more time with you whilst you're conscious."

"Conscious and lucid," Casey grinned back.

"Hmm not necessarily… you are quite entertaining when you're not lucid," he teased Casey, as they began to head back to his room.


From that point onwards the nurses, and Severide when he wasn't on shift, helped Casey out of bed once in the morning and once each afternoon just so he could walk up and down the short stretch of corridor next to his room. He pulled along an IV pole which carried his fluids. His medications were still being given to him through the central line although they had recently stopped the steroids since he no longer needed them for his back. The PCA was still being used since his arm still pained him, though he tried to use it less and less. Eventually it was deemed safe enough for him to make the short trip to and from the bathroom on his own and the catheter was removed.

"Finally." Casey grinned at the nurse as she tidied up. "Don't think I've ever been so happy to use a toilet before," he broke into a laugh and she laughed with him.

It wasn't much later when Severide was standing outside the private bathroom in Casey's hospital room. He seemed to have been a long time and Severide was worried about him. "Matty, you ok in there?" he knocked on the door gently.

"No… Kel… I…" he heard Casey's voice echo from inside.

Severide pulled open the door and found Casey gripping the sink with his right hand, his jaw clenched with the effort. "Can't move? It's ok... I'll help you back..."

But Casey was shaking his head, indicating that wasn't the problem. Then he saw Casey staring into the mirror and realised what was wrong.

Casey was staring at his reflection in dismay, his emotion clear to see. He could hardly recognise himself. Skin stretched over bone, his gown was hanging off him. He felt like a stranger in his own skin with all the tubes going into his body. He had seen the PEG tube and the central line in his chest a million times, at least that's what it felt like, and it wasn't a pretty sight, it was a mess. He suddenly began to feel disorientated and dizzy, the bathroom started closing in around him. All he could think of was how vulnerable he had been all this time while he had been in hospital

"Matty it's ok, it's ok," Severide spoke soothingly. "Let's get you back to bed..."

But as he went to Casey to help him, he moved away slightly. "I can… do it…"

"Please let me." Severide just put an arm around his slight waist and helped him back to bed without Casey protesting further.

"I'm sorry… I shouldn't care… but I…"

"It's a shock," Severide nodded in understanding, "But you've been so ill Matt, so ill, you're already starting to look a little better."

"Kelly... thank you."

"No..."

"Thank you for... everything... you don't look so great... yourself... need to look after you... not just me..."

"Don't give one thought to me Matt, you need to concentrate entirely on yourself... which I realise is a foreign concept for you..." Severide broke into a laugh but earned one of Casey's perfect dimpled smiles.


Although Casey was recovering he still had bad days, days where he couldn't face physio, where he couldn't face food or conversation, he was still nauseous every so often and his head was a mess of emotions. He'd been prepared to die, he'd accepted his fate but here he was, he knew he should be happy, he was happy, he really was, but at times his thoughts about the last few months were physically exhausting. And he was so fed of being stuck in the damn hospital, although he had managed a few trips outside with Severide, he just wanted to get as far away from the there as possible but he knew he'd not even make it down to the ground floor without help. And even if he was discharged anytime soon he still had a third of his oxygen therapy treatment to complete and they wanted him on IV antibiotics for a few a while longer before changing to pills.

Severide was doing his best to alleviate Casey's mood but even he was struggling, it all really had gone on too long now, they both wanted a break, both needed a break. He couldn't help smiling madly as he watched Casey devour some food.

"This is… so good…" he said between mouthfuls of burger Severide had brought for from the joint down the block. The brown bag had been soaked with grease and Casey had been so appreciative when he'd arrive with it.

"Slow down a little…" Severide laughed.

"I'm fine," he nodded eagerly, "I've not thrown up for two days."

"That is an achievement - eating and not throwing up."

"It's so good…" he grinned as he picked the burger bag up, after a couple of bites he questioned, "Why didn't I eat this all the time? It really is good…"

"Because you are a meticulously healthy eater," Severide smiled at the thought, Casey rarely did fast food.

"It's so good though… I must sound mad…" he laughed

"No. you sounded mad when you were hallucinating and seeing colours…" Severide started.

"What did I see? Did I say anything?" he quizzed in quick succession.

Severide hesitated. "Nah, it was all nonsense."

Casey could easily sense there was something more but he said nothing and finished off his food. "I want one of these every day."

Severide was still smiling, he moved in to kiss Casey but he turned his head.

"Don't kiss me, I have onion breath…"

"I don't care."


In an attempt to cheer Casey up and make his life a bit more bearable until he could get out of the hospital Severide concealed himself in the bathroom after visiting hours were over, and luckily for him no-one checked that the place was empty. Once the lights were down he crept out into the main room and closed the blinds. The night staff probably wouldn't even notice.

Casey was sleeping quite peacefully when he was woken gently and he peered upward to find not a nurse checking in him, but Severide looking at him with a mischievous smile on his face. Casey frowned, wondering what was going on. "Kel..? You here..? I'm seeing things, aren't I?" he said aloud, more to himself than anything.

"No, you're not, I'm really here Matty," Severide reassured him, although he was sure Casey's hallucinations had insisted they were real too.

"S'dark though…"

"Great observational skills." Severide remained smiling.

"I mean… it's late… you're not allowed… to be here…"

"I thought we could have a movie night," Severide explained, "After all, it is Friday."

"They check on me throughout… the night…"

"Well, I can always go if you're scared of getting caught?

"Not scared… what's the worst… they can do? Throw you out..." Casey smiled, imagining the scenario in his head.

"Good, so..." He pulled a DVD from his bag. "Thought you'd like this, only released last month so I know you haven't seen it yet."

He passed the DVD over to Casey who had raised his bed up slightly so he was in more of a sitting position and would be able to watch the movie comfortably.

Severide turned on the small light above the bed head so Casey could read the cover detail. He stared at it gravely for a few moments. "You do know it's not... a spy movie like… the ones you're so fond of… right?"

"Yup. I did read the cover. Shay said it's hilarious, and I reckon you need a good laugh."

Soon the two of them were laughing away at the movie, even though most of the time Severide's eyes were on Casey rather than the on the TV screen. His face just lit up when he laughed and it was easy for Severide to see past his weary and sometimes pained features.

After they had finished watching the movie, Severide switch off the set and took out the DVD. And just like a naughty schoolkid he his back in the bathroom just before 10pm when the night nurse was due to come and check on Casey, who'd fallen asleep just before the credits began to roll.

By midnight Severide's upper half was lying on the bed next to Casey. The bed was plenty wide enough for the two of them if they lay on their sides but Severide didn't want to cause Casey any discomfort despite so desperately wanting to sleep with him. Casey remained fast asleep when Severide was woken by a slight noise. He opened his eyes to see nurse staring at them with a stern look on her usually cheery face. But she couldn't hold her expression for very long and soon broke into a grin.

"My lips are sealed," she said quietly, "But just make sure you are gone before rounds at 7am, Kelly Severide." And with that she looked Casey over, checked his monitors, lines and pulse-oximeter, wrote notes on his chart and left the room, closing the door quietly behind her.

TBC