6 Years Before

Ever since I was kidnapped my father had kept a close eye on me. Always watching over my training making sure that I was being the best fighter possible. Little did he know that was exactly what I planned on being. I was going to train and train and train until I was better than him, until I could kill him. I was doing this for my family and Andrew. I was going to be everything he wanted me to be and use it against him.

I was walking towards the shed after training for the first time since that night. Since the first time I had ever been in here. It was exactly the same. The herbs were all taken care of and nothing was out of place. Everything looked exactly as I left it, as she left it.

I opened the drawer to look for the thing that I fought my life for, just so that I could continue to read it. Just so I would know about my mother and her war with my father. I thought about everything he had taken from me and I felt a sob rising up in my throat but I gulped it down not wanting to disrupt the peaceful room.

The journal was just as I left it and I continued where I left off.

June 17, 1991

Hello Baby,

I saw my friend again today. Ragnor had so much to say about you and my big round belly. He says that you're a little girl and you have no idea how happy that makes me sweetheart. Thinking about what our life could have been like without Valentine. It is important that he never sees what I am about to tell you.

Something tells me I won't be around when you grow up. Your father has been so distant since Jonathan that I don't know what he's thinking or feeling. Luke told me that I should rest for the baby, but I don't want Valentine anywhere near you. I wish I could take back everything. I wish I could have married someone else, but sweetheart I was young and naive. I wish I could have married someone like my parabatai Luke. I hope you will be able to meet him. He could tell you everything that I haven't. I wish I could tell you everything, but baby I'm on a time limit. It's dangerous for me to even be here now.

Here is the story of your brother, the whole complete truth.

When I found out I was pregnant I was so very happy. I was so in love with your father and it all seems like such a fairytale now. Love makes you do crazy things. That is probably something your father would say too. The things he has done to me and our family are unforgivable. He loved your brother so much that he destroyed him. He also destroyed all the love I had for him in the process.

I was pregnant and I was having dreams that were so vivid I would wake up and think I was dreaming. My realities were mixing up and I was confused. Your father seemed to see this as a cry for help. He made me a special smoothie that would supposedly help me sleep better. I fell asleep quickly after I drank it, but I had nightmares that would wake me and keep me up for days. He kept feeding me the smoothies saying they would help with the nightmares as well. I never saw that it was the smoothie that was giving me the nightmares. I never even questioned it. It was too late when I finally saw Ragnor and asked him about. It was really too late when I confronted Valentine about it. By then Jonathan was already born and it is my fault I didn't see it. I didn't see what was happening to my own baby.

Jonathan was a different baby. He had white blond hair that was from your father and eyes like the pit of a black hole. So black they frightened me when I first saw him open his eyes. After I gave birth I went into a depression that took me months to get out of. It was Luke who finally made me wake up. My best friend could always make me smile no matter what was going on with me. He helped me see that the true monster was not my baby but Valentine. Valentine was a monster, but so was I. I allowed him to do this to my baby. This is as much his fault as mine.

Jonathan was six months old when I finally started to care for him like a true mother would. I cared for him without looking into his eyes because I was a true coward. I didn't know how I could raise him, but I did my best. Jonathan was barely a one year old when I found out I was pregnant with you.

I thought about running away and hiding you forever. I thought about leaving everything behind and giving everything I had to raise you. In the end I couldn't leave Jonathan. I prayed to the angel that something would kill Valentine in one of his raids with the Circle, but after three months of hiding you, a bump was starting to show. I was hormonal anyway, crying all the time. It is surprising that he never noticed before the bump showed. When I finally told him he rejoiced as if he had killed a Greater demon. He wasn't even this happy when he found out I was pregnant with Jonathan.

Thinking about it now it seems like you were his second chance.

A week after he found out I was pregnant he sent me on an errand in Alicante. He was going to London to see his parabatai and Jonathan was to spend the day with the Waylands who also had a son named Jonathan. They had played together before and I saw nothing wrong with this. I left the manor, but really I came out here to my shed to get one of my daggers. I heard a bloodcurdling scream and I started running. Like hell was chasing me, I ran.

It took me minutes to get to the river, but I saw what I needed to see. Valentine was holding my son by his neck underneath the water. My baby wasn't struggling and I knew it was too late.

"Ave atque vale, my son." Then your father started to cry. I turned around and went back to my shed as quickly as possible, because I would have attacked him if I had stayed for another minute. I couldn't risk anything happening to you. When inside my sanctuary I drew the soundless ruin over my mouth and I screamed. I cried and I shook with terror at what I had just seen. It seemed like I had been on the ground forever when I smelled smoke. It wasn't enough smoke to be from anywhere near the manor, but I knew something was wrong.

I followed the scent to the main path in front of the house. A cloud of smoke appeared miles in the distance.

I blame you for even being able to smell it. I assume it was because of my pregnancy that I was even able to.

I realized that it was in the direction of Alicante and I took one of our horses and started on my journey. I rode faster that I should have and arrived to the burning of the Wayland manor soon. No one was around, but that didn't mean no one was injured. I heard a horse neighing in the distance and knew that I wouldn't be alone here. I walked around the house looking for any signs of life.

The fire was still alive so I couldn't go inside the manor. I couldn't hear anyone even after I screamed Michael and Jonathan's names. The carriage being drawn by the horse I heard approached me. I knew that carriage. It was my carriage. Valentine climbed out of the back and came to me.

"What are you doing here Jocelyn? I thought I asked you to travel to Alicante for that errand?"

"Are you serious?! Michaels in there! What about Jonathan?! WHAT ABOUT OUR SON, WHAT DID YOU DO TO OUR SON?!" I screamed at him. The stress and smoke was making me lose consciousness fast. I barely caught my breath before I fell to the ground at my husband's feet.

I awoke hours later in my bed, but your father was nowhere to be found. It was nightfall and my witchlight was the only light in the room. I looked down at my arm and there was an unfamiliar rune placed under my clairvoyance rune.

I understand it now as a sort of forgetfulness rune. Valentine burned it into my skin thinking I would forget everything I saw, but I didn't. I still remember everything. I have you to thank for that darling. I have you to thank for everything.

I had always thought life was full of choices. Bad choices and good choices, there's never really any in-between, but there is. You are my in-between choice. My precious little girl you are my bad and good choice. The best choice I ever made was to keep you. The worst thing I ever chose was to keep you. I'm not going to survive this, but you will. He will need you. You will be his greatest weapon if his plans go accordingly. You need to get out of there. You need to escape the life I left you with. This was never the life you were supposed to have. You and me were supposed to leave here and you grow up in a world free of death and sacrifice.

I have to go now, but I'll come back to write more when I can. I'm so big now. You're due in only a few short months. I can't wait to see your beautiful face.

Just promise me you'll escape.

-Jocelyn Morgenstern

Yes mother, but how?

Authors note:

Please review, I repeat PLEASE REVIEW. I find it really sad that I only have 7 reviews total, even though I love all of those people that did review because you are lovely especially cheyowl because your review was probably the nicest of them all even though I have no idea if it was good or bad :).