Chapter 9: Taco Tuesday Will Not Be Stopped, Even by the Evening Prophet! Psst, Did you here a boing?
Summary:

Colin Creevey has a paper route, with only one stop, right smack in front of the Great Hall doorway. The Evening Prophet, featuring Harry Potter and his little Harry, has thrown a big fat monkey wrench into Taco Tuesday, which has the house elves, and Draco Malfoy, in a royal snit. Harry Potter is hiding, with his future bond mate, Severus Snape, tearing down Hogwarts to find him. Can Taco Tuesday be saved? Will the Order of the Phoenix meeting start on Time? And why is Kingsley Shacklebolt dressed like Jean Luc Picard? The answers are all in this chapter.

Notes:

Still no financial gain here, but the kudos, comments and hits are priceless. Thank you!

It was Taco Tuesday in the Great Hall, but there was nary a line at the build your own taco and burrito bar. The house elves were gearing up for self-flagellation, thinking that they had somehow botched the secret ingredient in the magical beef filling (it wasn't magic, it was MSG, and they hadn't, the elf taste testers weren't any twitchier than usual).

Each and every Hogwarts student, with his or her sombrero, was huddled over The Evening Prophet, where Harry Potter's trouser snake was the featured attraction. To compound matters, little Colin Creevey was standing outside the Grand Hall, waiting for his favorite Gryffindor, with a camera in hand, wearing a T-shirt with "BOING!" splashed across the front. He was selling the Prophet to offset his Hogwarts tuition. Fair enough, he needed money for school . But the kicker was that Colin had somehow charmed the shirt to yell "BOING" repeatedly, at ten second intervals, only stopping when someone purchased the wizarding tabloid.

Furthermore, Hogwarts' most ANNOYING Gryffindor was blocking the entrance to the highly anticipated, Mexican-themed evening meal, with a long line of students waiting to buy the rag. Students wanting to get their taco on were close to drawing wands, just as Draco Malfoy, Neville Longbottom, and Luna Lovegood joined the group. "What in Hagrid's Bushy Beard is separating me from the all you can eat taco and burrito bar", shouted Draco Malfoy, who was wearing his most fetching sombrero, and was ready to chow down.

"I'm selling the Evening Prophet to pay my my tuition. Please buy a paper, I don't want to go back to mucking out Hagrid's thestral stalls", Creevey begged. "Anything to get the line moving - here, take my money, keep the change, just let me pass, so that I may have my taco fix!" Barely had he walked five steps past Creevey, when he spotted the most puerile headline the Prophet has ever published :

THE BOY WHO LIVED OR THE BOY WHO LUSTS? POTTER SPORTS MASSIVE WOOD FOR DUNGEON-BAT DEATH EATER!

A photo of Harry's "Little Harry" was somehow charmed to bounce, with an audible "BOING!" on each upstroke. Draco dropped his paper in shock, Neville Longbottom literally had steam coming out of his ears, and Luna Lovegood set a scurry of squirrels to rifle through the idiot Gryffindor's nuts. Before the squirrels had a chance to ravage the quivering Creevey, Professor Snape stormed into the entrance hall, and sized up the disaster unfolding before him. "Cease this commotion at once!", he roared, causing even the squirrels to stop and scatter, until all that was heard in the hall was a chorus of "boing, boing, boing, boing..."

Before Severus could demand an explanation, Draco Malfoy, still pale from shock, handed his copy of the babbling paper to him. The Potions Master turned a shade of purple never before seen on the human, but detectable on the wizarding, visual spectrum. After performing a mass, multi-pinpoint precision Incendio of all the newspapers, in both the Entrance and Great Halls, the Professor bellowed "Mister Creevey, I will have you expelled from Hogwarts IMMEDIATELY, if you don't disclose where you obtained these papers. Minor wizards are forbidden to possess the Evening Prophet, much less sell it!"

"I found four huge bundles of them, outside the Gryffindor Common Room, with a note addressed to me. All it said was 'there are enough papers here to pay for spring semester'. And there was this t-shirt that I was told to wear as I sold them. There was no signature", Creevey squeaked as he proceeded to wet his pants.

"What is it with Gryffindors and bladder issues?", Snape wondered, before his mind was inundated with visions of his soulmate, alone in Room of Requirement, sobbing inconsolably. He took off like the bat he was rumored to be, to console the young man, realizing there would be no chalupas for Severus Snape tonight.

Draco took the note from Colin and docked fifty points from Gryffindor, figuring Snape himself would enjoy doling out his "extreme cauldron scrubbing detention", to the embarrassment of the puny, stinky, wet-pants wizard groveling before him.
After dealing with Creevey, the three fifth year friends noticed that Harry was missing. "Perhaps Professor Snape knows, he always knows where to find Harry when the Nargles are hounding him", Luna commented as she gazed dreamily off into space. The two boys looked at Luna, gobsmacked. Unfazed by her friends skepticism , she remarked "Did you not see how he flew out of here, like a stallion Hippogriff defending his mate-"

"Luna, I adore you, but you're making zero sense", Neville mumbled, trying to hide his blush.

"Could we just can the courtship display of the Wood Elf and the Nebulous Fairie, and find Harry and the Professor?", Draco snarled, because it was clear there would be no tacos for Draco tonight (what a waste of a festive sombrero). The trio quizzed the portraits in the Entrance Hall, and those lining the staircases, who all told the same story. They had seen a large snake, suspended in mid air, hissing quietly as it quickly ascended the stairs, before disappearing into the Room of Hidden Things.

They stopped in front of the room, totally missing a prominently placed "Do Not Enter Until 8:00 p.m., that Means You, Dunderhead", sign. After the three tried every Silly Walk ever taught by the Ministry of Silly Walks, with no result, Luna looked behind her. There, in big, spiky red letters, was the sign, glaring menacingly, in with a signature style that struck fear in the hearts of students. "Guys, I think Professor Snape is comforting his soulmate, let's go to dinner while the taco bar's still open,", Luna murmured sweetly.

"Soulmate, Harry's not his soulmate, Loo-, I mean, Luna! You may be a genius, but I swear to Merlin, sometimes you are nuttier than squirrel poop!", blurted Draco. "But a Malfoy NEVER refuses a Mexican feast, so I say ¡Vámanos!. And with that, the three Acting Ensigns straightened their sombreros and raced to the Great Hall just in time to pile mounds of beefy, cheesy, spicy goodness into the tortillas of their choice,
condiments optional. The house elves were most pleased. There would be no self-flagellation or head banging in the kitchens that night.

Snape frantically paced three times, back and forth, in front of the Room of Requirement, before he entered. He had already tacked a sign onto St. Barmy's tapestry, effectively reserving the room until the Order of the Phoenix Emergency Meeting. He quickly spotted Nagini, coiled up near a corner, head erect, and hissing softly, to a fixed spot on the wall, that was audibly sobbing. Approximately two and a half feet above that point, an adorable parakeet was bouncing, seemingly in thin air, clearly repeating "Harry Potter is a hero, Rita Skeeter is a bitch". If Snape had understood Parseltongue, he'd have realized that little Polly was perfectly translating Nagini's words into English, not merely parroting the random utterances of students.

"Your familiars have revealed your location, Harry, please come out from under your cloak", Snape murmured, kneeling beside the distressed young wizard.

"I'm going to leave Hogwarts and never return! My relatives were right, I am a freak! Seriously, who pops a chubby in the middle of Potions class- "

"Who, I dare say, would be a young, adolescent wizard, who has the Potions Professor as his soulmate. Any wizard could surely pop wood, if his soulmate near him stood", Snape drawled.

Harry slowly emerged from his hiding place, blushing all the way to his toes. "Did you just make a rhyming boner joke, Professor?", Harry whispered. "I was sure that you'd see that horrible story and be disgusted with me", he continued, refusing to look the Wizard in the eye.
"Severus, my name is Severus", Snape murmured, as he tilted Harry's chin, staring directly into Harry's sparkling, emerald green eyes. "Although you are not old enough to bond to your soulmate, you are mature enough to react, when in the presence of your mate - that's me, by the way, in case you were wondering. I am flattered that I excite you", Severus purred.

"How will I ever be able to function in Potions, if your voice does THIS to me?", Harry squealed as he pointed to the tent in his trousers.
"Do what I do, Harry, picture Professor Trelawney, dressed only in a tiara and tutu, prancing wildly about the Great Hall after her fourth glass of sherry - that always works for me", Snape smirked.

"Gee, thanks, Severus, if I weren't already bent, that would totally put me off ladies forever."

"I thought Miss Weasley and her Tickle Me Elmo doll had already done that to you."

"Nah, she just made me wary of redhead witches. Hermione Granger had the honor of scaring me the polar opposite direction of straight. I don't ever want to be with anyone whose sole goal is domination without respect, all the while alternating between alienation of affection and smothering."

"Rest assured, my Harry, I respect you, and you already know that I don't know how to smother, but I do expect to be the dominant partner when we bond. I will be dominant, but never domineering. And I don't condone violence, we Veelacorns are peaceful creatures."

"Who are you, and what have you done with Severus Snape?", Harry queried, dumbfounded. "And what in blazes is a Veelacorn-"

Harry's questions ground to a halt, as Kingsley Shacklebolt strode into the room, dressed as a Starship Captain. The room instantly transformed from a barren broom closet into the Ready Room of U.S.S. Enterprise. "I love the new Star Trek, Captain Jean Luc Picard is the one true Captain", Kingsley enthused.

Snape decided not to argue the clear superiority of James Tiberius Kirk, since he had news for the Head Auror, and could not afford to be distracted, no matter how mistaken the Auror was. He whispered to Harry, "we have much to discuss, but now is not the time, now we must meet with the Order".

Snape turned and directed his attention to the cosplaying Auror, who looked mighty fine in his futuristic attire. "Kingsley, I trust you have seen tonight's paper? Do you have any thoughts as to who is behind this? Four huge bundles of the Evening Prophet were given to an underage Wizard, which he then sold to most of the student body.

And earlier today, a huge beetle alighted from Mister Potter's trousers, while he was in my flawlessly insect-proof lab. Two hours later, Potter's hormonally primed private parts were splashed across the Prophet, complete with sound effects. Coincidence? I think not!"
"Severus, I think there is a larger, crazier game at play here. Smuggled bouncing budgies, Potter's bouncing deal boinging across the evening paper - there is evil afoot. Wait for the rest of the Order, Severus, I have much to say, but be assured of this - Bellatrix Lestrange and Rita Skeeter are going DOWN!"

Out of nowhere, a trio of house elfs, draped in Hogwarts finest dish towels and wearing jaunty sombreros, popped into the room, bearing platters of tacos, burritos and chalupas. "Youse be missing your Mexican feast, we thought to be saving youse some", babbled Dobby, the leader of the Hogswart elves.

"Thank you, Dobby, you know how much I love Taco Tuesday!", Harry garbled as he snarfed down a chicken chalupa.

Dobby delivered a platter to the professor, that he laid on the Ready Room table. "Begging youse pardons, Professor sir, but we elves knows things about that wicked witch beetle", Dobby whispered. "She makes evil plans with an even wickeder witch, who looks like the wizard Sirius Black. The wickeder witch is using some naughty patients at St. Mungo's, to teach bouncing birdies to talk. The witches be cackling together about birdies and the Mystery Ministry, and the St. Mungo's elves did hear them. They want to get you and Harry Potter, sir, please be careful!, he pleaded, before he and his sombrero-adorned elf amigos popped out as suddenly as they had arrived.

Grabbing the nearest burrito, Snape pondered all he had learned. Tonight's meeting was bound to be one for the record books.

This writer is going to stop here, and let these wizards enjoy their dinner in peace. ¡Hasta luego!