Bella
My head is pounding. I sit up in Jake's bed and hug my knees to my chest. I'm freezing. Both inside and out. All I can think about is Jake's warm arms wrapped around me, his heated lips pressed to mine.
I shiver again.
It's almost midnight. Jake has barely said two words to me the past three days. I slip out of bed and wince when my feet hit the cold wood floor.
I realized after the other night, I have yet to see Billy, Jake's dad, since I've been here. Come to find out, six months ago, he moved in with his girlfriend, leaving the house to Jake. I'm surprised he didn't move into the bigger room.
I grab Jake's hoodie off the floor and tug it over my head and venture out into the living room to see if Jake is sleeping in his usual spot on the couch. The emptiness I see there when I round the corner, echoes the emptiness in my heart.
I plop down on the worn comfy couch, pull a blanket over my legs and flip on the TV. I keep thinking about Edward, how different he was. Maybe different isn't the right word. He showed signs of being controlling before. But this was...I don't know...he was crazed, desperate, out of control. The look in his eyes was terrifying. Why would he send me here, just to come back for me?
I can't help but think something must have happened between then and now. Something or someone must have some control over Edward. Flipped his switch. Or something.
I'm still contemplating this, trying to solve the puzzle, an hour later when Jake, Embry and Jared all walk through the front door. I look up and I'm startled when Jake's eyes lock on mine. I quickly look away, unsure of what to do or say. Is he mad at me?
Jake sinks into the couch, on the opposite end, leaving plenty of space between us. It feels like an ocean not just four feet. I'm all twitchy. I desperately want to crawl across that space and curl into his side, to feel his heat. I can feel his gaze on me. The boys are chattering around me, but I can't hear them. In that small moment, barely a few seconds, my world seems to come to a crashing halt.
Just as I finally draw in a breath and turn my head to meet Jake's gaze, Embry plops down in between us, blocking my view. He slings a muscled arm around me, pulling me against him. Embry leans into my ear, and whispers conspiratorially, "Hey baby, waiting up for me huh?"
I snort. Embry presses his lips to my cheek and noisily—and very sloppily—kisses my cheek. I giggle, but suddenly he's gone. When I look up I see Jake grab him by the collar of his white shirt and toss him into the chair next to the couch, a low growl rumbling in his throat.
"Alright, Jake! Jeez, I was just kidding!"
Jake's rolls his eyes and then looks back at me. His eyes soften. My heart flutters with hope.
Jared clears his throat a minute later and we all turn back to the movie I wasn't really watching. Even with Jake several feet away, I feel warm and comfy. I don't even realize I've fallen asleep until I stir and realize I'm being carried. By Jake.
He gently lays me on his bed. His eyes widen slightly when our gazes meet and he realizes I'm awake. He sits down on the bed and sighs heavily. He leans forward, his elbows on his knees, his face cradled in his hands.
"Jake, are you mad at me?"
His head snaps up. After a very long moment, he sighs again and looks away. "No Bells. I'm disgusted with myself. Not you."
"Jake," I whisper gently. I reach out to touch him, but he flinches when my fingertips graze his forearm. I pull back. "Please, Jake. At least talk to me."
Several painful seconds pass before he does turn to face me, his dark eyes shining in the darkness. The only light is from the moon and stars bathing the room in their pale glow.
"I can't even remember not being in love with you. Not wanting you," he starts, his tone fierce and a little self-deprecating. "Since we were kids that's all I've ever known. I was so desperate to change your mind when you were with Edward. And so heartbroken when you left."
"Jake, I'm so sorry. I just—"
He holds up a hand to stop me. "I know Bella. You've said it before. I get it. I wouldn't have wanted you to pick me then just because you knew you couldn't be with him. I've never wanted to be second place," he pauses, and I feel fresh tears burning my vision. "But still, you could have stayed."
I blow out a breath. "Maybe. Sometimes I wish I would have. I wish it wouldn't have taken me so long to get over Edward, to understand that this is where I belong. But even now, I feel selfish. I shouldn't be here, putting everyone else in danger. I'm just not strong enough to walk away this time."
His gaze turns fierce, his jaw set. "It's my job, our job, to protect you, Bells."
"But Jake, this is all my fault!" I sit up and press my hands to my chest. Tears stream down my flushed cheeks.
"Bella," he says gently, calmly, resting his hand on my knee. "From the very beginning, even when you thought you loved Edward, he was manipulating and controlling you."
I swallow hard. A little anger and indignation boil up inside me. When I first left, I just knew I didn't want to be a vampire. And I knew that meant I couldn't be with Edward. But...the desperation in his dark eyes yesterday, his words...I just never thought he was a monster. Not really. I never thought he had any power over me. Now I'm wondering if that power, that compulsion, is, was supernatural.
I deflate, as these thoughts and realizations and regrets whirl in my mind.
I lean my head against his shoulder, and Jake wraps his warm arm around me. He hugs me close, placing a tender kiss on my hair. He rests his cheek against my head. We are quiet for a long time. I'm no longer cold or afraid; his arm is almost too hot even through the bulky sweatshirt. The warmth inside my chest slowly unfolds, like a flower blooming, opening her petals to the sun.
"Jake," I whisper, breaking the silence.
"Hmm?" He sounds so sleepy. If we weren't sitting up, I'd think he was asleep.
"How do we fix this?" I should be worried about my life, and the life of my friends, Jake's pack. But right now, the situation between Jake and I is all I can think about.
He exhales a heavy breath. His shoulders slump, "I don't know."
"I have an idea," I start slowly, the idea taking shape inside my head.
"This isn't the friends thing again, is it?"
Suddenly I'm not sure if he's going to like what I suggest. But it's the only thing that makes sense to me.
"Bella?" he asks when I don't answer.
I swallow hard. "Uh, well...kinda."
Jake pulls away, and for a split second before he returns with his hands cupping my face, a burst of panic burns in my chest.
But just as I feel that, Jake presses his lips to mine. Soft and tender, he kisses me. He drags his tongue along my bottom lip, sending me into orbit. Jake tilts his head, his fingers slide back to tangle in my hair, his rough thumbs trace the smooth skin along my jaw. My lips part, opening to the sweet demand of his tongue, and he deepens the kiss.
Jake pulls back and leans his forehead against mine. We are both breathing heavy, my breathing ragged as desire floods through me. I could easily tilt my chin and recapture his lips. My whole body tingles with anticipation.
"I don't think I can be just friends with you, Bells," Jake says roughly. "I want you too much for that."
A thrilling shiver travels through me at his deep husky words. I take a deep calming breath.
"It might kill me, Bells," he says, all serious, when I don't answer.
I laugh and shove at his chest. His fingers wrap around both my wrists. He pulls me against his chest, dips his head and kisses me again. His lips are soft and full, but hungry and persistent. I can't help but melt against him. My mouth opens as he sweeps his tongue inside.
That's all it takes, my mind is clouded. I'm lost, craving more. Heat and wetness gather between my thighs. Jake eases me backwards, lying next to me on the suddenly too small bed. He releases my hands. I immediately frame his face, my fingertips traveling along the rough scruff on his jaw, sliding back to rake through his inky black hair. Jake groans. He grazes his teeth along my bottom lip. My body hums with desire, is overtaken by need and want and a fierce longing I've never ever known before.
Jake grips my hip, his fingers sliding under my hoodie. He lays his palm flat against my stomach and slowly moves up my ribcage. My heart is pounding, racing. Passion and adrenaline are pumping fast and furiously through my blood.
He groans again, breaking his lips from mine to kiss along my jaw, when he discovers I'm not wearing a bra. His large warm hand cups my breast, his thumb brushes over the hardened peak. I shiver again. A moan escapes me; Jake's breath is warm as he kisses my neck.
It eggs him on. Jake shoves at my sweatshirt—his sweatshirt—and ducks his head. His mouth on my breasts sends me into ecstasy. Moments ago I was merely warm being held in his arms, excited by his hungry kiss. Now I am devastated by desire, flushed with heat and passion.
A moment later, I feel his lips traveling south, kissing a path down the center of my belly. He tugs at my pajama bottoms. All at once, my senses come back to me, my earlier plans. All at once, my fear that this is too much too fast overwhelms my desire. My muscles tense.
Jake stills, his breath is warm and ragged against my navel, his fingers still hooked in the waistband on my pajamas. After what seems like an endless few seconds, he lifts his head. His eyes are dark, swimming with want and hunger. But his face, his brow, is etched with concern. Fear, I realize.
I tug on his arms. Jake moves off me, lying on his back next to me. He stares at the ceiling and pushes his fingers into his disheveled hair. I don't speak. I'm not sure what to say.
Finally he blows out a long heavy breath. "I'm sorry, Bells. I didn't mean to be so...uh...I mean act like that."
I smile, "Like what?"
He must hear the smile in my voice. He turns his head in my direction. Jake lifts an eyebrow; a smirk twitches at the corner of his perfectly shaped lips...
I kiss him. I can't help it. My eyes focused on those soft warm lips, and I wanted to taste them again. To feel their sweet tenderness, that dangerous edge of hunger simmering just below that. Jake rolls to his side, and brings his hand up to cradle my face.
With what feels like a practiced rhythm, our mouths meld together in a long, slow kiss. Once again, I feel transported. Like I'm flying. Or drowning. Or some strange exhilarating combination of both.
I moan when his tongue touches mine. Jake abruptly breaks the kiss.
"Bella," he pleads. "Don't do that. I can't—"
He cuts off his own protest with another kiss. His lips are hungrier, rough and demanding. I arch into him. I'm not even sure how it happens, but within a few seconds, my sweatshirt and the tank top I was sleeping in are gone. Jake's warm hands are full of my soft flesh. An intense craving barrels through me.
Jake's hands and lips are everywhere, kissing, touching, devouring every inch of my skin from the waist up, until I'm shaking with such heat and desire I can't think, I can't speak, I can't breathe.
"Jake," I whisper breathlessly, as he places one kiss, soft and tender right below my navel.
"Hmm?" he responds, smoothing his hands up my ribcage. He starts kissing up my chest, slowly, almost reverently. His muscles tense and tremble as he holds back the hunger I can feel him trying not to give into.
"Maybe we should slow down," I finally find my voice. And my common sense. I don't want to. Every nerve ending in my body is on fire, screaming in protest. But the logical side of me says this is too fast, too soon. That he was just with another girl a few nights ago.
That thought sobers me.
Jake kisses me again, this time soft and sweet, but deep enough for me to question my sanity.
"You're right," he whispers, his voice is deep, husky. He falls to the pillow next me, wrapping his arms around me. He pulls me to his chest, envelops me in his warm embrace. He kisses the back of my neck. "I'm sorry. I got a little carried away."
"I know. Me too."
"I'm sorry for being such a jackass since you've been back home, Bells," he says softly.
"I'm sorry too. For everything."
Several silent minutes tick by.
"What was your idea, honey?" His face is nestled into my hair, his voice quiet, hesitant.
"I was just going to suggest that we take it slow."
"Oh," he responds. Then adds, "How slow?"
I laugh, squirming as his breath tickles my neck. He pulls me impossibly closer, snuggling onto the same pillow.
"Bells?" he asks a few minutes later. I'm already drifting off to sleep.
"Hmm?"
"I'll try."
