We all know who owns the characters and anything that resembles Twilight – and that definitely isn't me. That, my friends, is a damn shame!
To Sabrina and Fran: thank you both for your friendship and kind words and for helping me make this story better and for their never ending patience with me and my perpetually late chapters.
Previously
I finally pulled myself together enough to leave. As I started to back out of the driveway, I debated on which way to turn. I knew I couldn't go home and be alone; I needed to talk to someone. So I pulled out of the driveway and headed towards the one place I knew I would be comforted: Aunt Esme's.
Chapter 9 – Hell on the Heart
I pulled into Aunt Esme's drive and parked. I knew in the scheme of things, I did not deserve for Bella to even entertain the idea I presented to her, but she did, and I would take it, selfishly.
Esme greeted me with a hug and one look in my eyes; let her know I needed her.
"Come my sweet boy, tell me." Her voiced was filled with nothing but love: no malice, no judgment, just love.
I had promised myself there would be no more tears. Feeling sorry for myself was not an option, yet I allowed these tears to flow freely. They were not selfish tears; thesewere tears of relief. These tears spoke of finally doing the right thing after all these years: putting my son's well-being before my own wants and needs. These tears were not for me,but for the pain I caused Bella and Cam, both today and in the past. These tears were cleansing.
Esme listened to everything. She never judged me, and for that, I was grateful. She had become my mother in the absence of my own, andI was eternally thankful to her for everything she had done for me. She comforted me with small gestures: wiping the tears from under my eyes with a soft stroke of her thumb, soft hugs when she saw I needed one, a light squeeze of my hand when I shared my feelings. When I was finished relaying the morning events and reliving the past six years, she merely offered me a tight smile and hug. She knew there was nothing to say. I had no excuse for my behavior back then andcould not reassure me of the future. That lay wholly in the hands of Bella and my son.
While the last thing in the world I ever wanted to feel towards Benji was grateful, I knew I was. He gave Bella the push she needed to see that this was right for Cam. Benji put himself selflessly aside for the sake of my son. Something I'd never done before today. Yes, I had hopes that Cam would want to know me, and yes, putting this burden on the shoulders of a five year old was not ideal, but these were not wholly selfish actions. He does deserve the right to make decisions about his future, and I willingly put my future into the hands of a child. If he chose Benji, I would move on. I would leave this sleepy little town to him and his family. I would settle for whatever little snippets of his life anyone would willingly share with me. The choices I made in my life led me to this, and I would have to accept the consequences.
Esme and I were deep in conversation when Carlisle walked in the door. I felt the tension mounting with every step he took towards the kitchen where we were sitting with our coffee. I wondered if he had heard about today's developments. This was a small town and news spread like wildfire in an arid climate.
"Well, well, If it isn't Mr. Selfish live and in person," Carlisle stated with disdain, as he entered the kitchen.
I winced, but Aunt Esme immediately put him in his place.
"Carlisle, damn it!" she admonished him. "We've had this conversation. Edward has made mistakes, but he is working hard to fix things and make them right. Your ass needs to stop this. I've told you more than once, if you can't accept Edward, then you can't accept me. He is my family, and I will NOT have you continue to disregard that fact. By doing so, you disregard my feelings!" She laid into him like I wasn't in the room. It was obvious she had done this before.
"Es, I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know how you feel, but please understand, I can't keep watching him hurt everyone I love."
Esme looked angry. "So, because you decided that he hurt me, you get to be an ass and hurt me too? Can you say hypocrite, Carlisle?"
"I'm just leaving, Carlisle," I stated, calmly. I knew they didn't need my drama at the moment.
"Absolutely not, Edward!" Aunt Esme stated in a tone that left no room for argument. "You will not leave. You are my nephew, my son, and I will not allow for this from my husband." She looked pointedly at Carlisle, and he had the good sense to look properly admonished.
"Now, both of you sit your stubborn asses down." She pointed to the kitchen table I had just stood up from. "No one is leaving this room until we all come to an... agreement, if you will. I will not continue to have my family feel like this around each other." She was on a roll, so I dutifully sat my ass back in the chair as instructed. Carlisle hesitated for moment, earning a glare from his wife, before following her demands. And that's exactly what her words were: a demand. There would be no room for arguments. We would sit and work this out, here and now.
"Ok, you two," she began, "I have absolutely no idea how or why I allowed things to get so bad between the two of you…" I couldn't believe she was taking responsibility for the state of the relationship, or lack thereof, between Carlisle and me. "…I should have put a stop to this, years ago, and maybe things would be different.Edward,"she said, getting my attention, "I should have stopped coddling you and made you own-up to your mistakes long before now. An you, Carlisle," she stated much more calmly than before, "you need to stop holding everything against him. Maybe if you had stepped up to support him instead of harboring resentment, things would be different by now." I was shocked and dumbfounded by her words, andCarlisle looked over at me with a similar look on his face. This was not the loving, supportive woman who never raised her voice or showeddisappointment. This was a woman on a mission. One, you obviously didn't want to cross at this moment. I almost smiled at that thought. I really liked this side of her, and for once, Carlisle and I seemed to be on the same page.
For the next three hours, we all sat there and talked. Carlisle's tone started out hostile and angry, but at the end of the day, I had hopes that maybe, someday, Carlisle and I would be okay.
He elaborated on what he'd said to me in the hospital that day. I listened. I really listened to what he had to say, and I saw what he saw:the selfish bastard that I truly was. Then he listened. I told him about how I felt when my mom died, and how that always stayed with me. I told him, told them both, about my fears of never being enough. I couldn't save my mom and I couldn't stop my dad from hurting. I couldn't stop myself from hurting. I turned all of my energy towards two things: my career and Bella. As fucked up as it seems, I saw Cam as an obstacle when Bella first told me about him. All I had ever thought about since my mom's death was how I could keep others from feeling the same loss I did. I caught a lot of hell over the years for my choices, but I was so focused on that, I lost sight of what was important in my life. I wanted to make everyone proud of me, and in the process, did nothing more than disappoint everyone in my life.
I left their house feeling lighter, yet heavier. I had good intentions, the best of intentions really. I never set out to be the selfish bastard I turned into. Well, they do say that's what the road to hell is paved with. All I could thinkwas that I'd built one fucking long road to hell.
Benji held me after Edward left. He didn't say a word and just allowed me to feel all of the emotions that were coursing through my body. Hate, rage, guilt, and even love which only served to make me angrier at Edward and myself. Yes, even after all he put me through; a part of me still loved him and always would. No, I would not go down that road with him again, not ever. What he did was unforgivable, and that part of our lives was over. But I did have to consider my son. I refused to say our son, because all Edward had offered to Cam was his DNA. He had no idea what it was like to lose sleep because of a colicky baby. He had no clue which emotions ran through you when you saw blood oozing from the mouth of your baby. He didn't know the mortification of sitting in the emergency room listening to the doctor tell you that head wounds tend to bleed, a lot, and that it was nothing serious. His incoming teeth came through his gums a little faster than normal all because he decided he wanted to stand up on the coffee table only to lose his balance. He had NO idea what it felt to have a human being need you.
I was cursing Ed at this moment. Why couldn't he have hung on to life a little longer? If he had, I was betting Edward would have signed those papers, and we would not be here today. But knowing Ed, he did this on purpose. Fucking sneaky ass father-in-law!
No matter what my feelings were, I knew that Edward was right. Given that Edward wanted to be a part of Cam's life, if I took that away from him without talking to him, he would eventually hate me for it. I was sure he'd forgive me someday, but the thought of hate towards me running through my son was not something I'd be able to bear.
Benji and I talked until it was time to pick up Cam. He was so strong, butI knew this was killing him. He knew that the odds of Cam willingly giving up Edward were slim. He knew Edward did not deserve this chance, but he loved that little boy enough to hurt himself to ensure Cam had everything, everyone, he would ever need in his life. My love for him grew exponentially with his selflessness. He was truly a wonderful man, and I couldn't be more grateful to have him in my life and in Cam's. We were truly blessed. Not everyone possessed the strength this was going to take to get through. Benji went to pick Cam up from school, while I stayed at home and attempted to get myself together. We weren't going to put this off. We were telling Cam tonight and would let Edward know tomorrow. This was the only concession Benji asked for, and I willingly gave it to him. He has as much on the line as I do.
We decided that we'd take him for ice cream, and then go to the park for family time before we sat him down. We knew it would probably tire him out, and he'd be a little cranky, but getting a 5 year old to sit still for any kind of conversation was a tough thing to do. We'd be willing to live with the cranky if we were sure he heard and understood what we were telling him.
I was a nervous wreck when they pulled in the driveway. Why was I putting myself through this? I could easily put my foot down and say 'fuck you, Edward,' in fact I had done just that. Why didn't I hold firm? As they both came running in the house, my subconscious reminded me that this was really what was best for my son in the long run.
Cam was thrilled when we told him about our afternoon plans. In his innocence, he had not even thought that there would be an ulterior motive to our outing. He had no way to know that there would be life changing information coming his way. I could only hope and pray that this would go well. He was still just a little boy, and I didn't want to hurt my son, ever.
Cam was making another trek down the slide when Benji suggest we start this conversation. I stood at the bottom of the slide admiring my son. He was the spitting image of Edward. His auburn hair was windblown and out of control, just as Edward's had always been, whether he'd combed it or not. The piercing green eyes that showed happiness but still held a hint of sadness. When he reached the bottom of theslide, I laughed. His face still held remnants of the chocolate ice cream cone he'd enjoyed earlier, and he was out of breath from playing so hard. He was picture perfect. Innocence and little boy all wrapped up in a messy package. God I love this little boy.
Benji kneeled down in front of the slide and asked, "hey, buddy, can your mom and I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure, Benji, what's up?" Cam smiled at him and quickly wrapped his arms around his neck showing Benji that he wanted to be held.
Benji grabbed him and stood up, and we walked side by side over to the park benches. Cam was carefree, but Benji and I were beyond tense. We'd talked at length about how to say this to him, but it still didn't make it any easier. Once we were at the benches, we sat down, and Benji positioned Cam in his lap so that he was facing both of us.
"Hey, bud," I started, "Benji and I have something to tell you." I took a deep breath, attempting to steady my nerves before continuing. Cam just stared at me with a puzzled look on his sweet face.
"Well, baby." My heart was beating out of my chest. "Ok, you know how you missed having a dad before Benji came along?"
He just nodded.
"Well, what if I told you that your father, the one that helped me make you, came back and wanted to see you?"
Cam just looked dumbfounded.Tears welled up in his green eyes, and my heart broke even more than I ever thought possible.
I knew I had to get this out before he asked questions.
"Remember Edward?" I asked
His teary eyes were huge. "You mean Aunt Alice's brother, Mommy?"
"Yes, baby boy, Aunt Alice's brother. He's the one who gave you to me, and he would like to know if you'd like to see him sometime." I was fighting the bile that was threatening to come up from my stomach.
"But does that mean Benji doesn't want to be my daddy anymore?" he asked through tears, with all the innocence of a child.
"Cam, I promise you, no matter who comes in and out of our lives, I will always want to be your daddy," Benji said through tears. "If you want to get to know your father, it won't change how I feel about you, kiddo."
"Will you still be my baseball coach?" he sniffled.
"You silly, silly boy, nothing would make me happier than to be your dad and your baseball coach."
"Mom, what if I don't like Edward? I mean he didn't like me when I was born, so what if he doesn't like me now?" His tears had stopped.
The questions didn't shock me like they should have. I had never spoken ill of Edward to Cam, but it didn't surprise me that he felt this way.
"Cam, Edward didn't know you when you were born, or I'm sure he would have loved you very much," I half lied to my son. Edward never met him; that was the truth, but Edward never loved him. I refused to have my son ever know that fact.
"Ok, Mom, as long as I can still have Benji as a daddy too, I guess Edward can come see me sometimes." It was all very matter of fact. I was nervous about his reaction or really lack of reaction. Maybe that was just his way, or maybe it would come back to bite me in the ass. At that thought, my son surprised me once again.
"I can't wait to go to school tomorrow and tell everyone I have two daddies!" he said with the biggest grin I'd ever seen.
A/N
The tidbit about Cam and the blood and the mortification: all true courtesy of my older daughter …about 19 years ago. I still find it hard to believe, but I am amazed by her daily and thankful I managed to get it right often enough. Thank you to all who have followed and favorited this little story of mine
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