I became aware of a certain tingle on my skin while in the middle of a dream. The details of my reverie were very quickly lost as I emerged from my slumber, with that awful feeling of having forgotten something precious. But the tingle remained, and soon enough I realized that it wasn't part of the dream, but it came from the very real man who was by my side, with free reign over my body.
Barely opening my eyes I could make out the outline of his face in the dark.
"I've had had this dream before… And it leads to heartache." I said as I languidly enjoyed the touch, but the satisfaction of release was slowly giving way to a black cloud.
I might be called a fatalist.
The man I had just given myself to a few hours ago, might say I am unable to accept facts and be happy.
But I'm no idiot.
I know he loves me and I know I love him.
The issue is all the unresolved stuff that lies in between.
Tonight was a slip-up.
An incredibly satisfying slip-up, but a slip-up nonetheless.
You see I am an expert now on the consequences of giving in physical temptation while ignoring the pressing issue of dealing with our shit.
Tonight had been special and wonderful. But it was a way of evasion.
I wasn't going to go that route again.
"Could you feel this on your dream?" He said showing me just how awake he was.
"Put that thing away before you poke someone's eye out." I said dryly.
"Give me break. It was over a year and a half."
"I sincerely doubt you were a monk in that year and a half." I answered closing my eyes, but not unwelcoming his touch.
"I wasn't one… True. But pretty damn close."
"What time is it? Can you turn the lamp on?" I asked.
"Sex with the lights on… Nice."
I knew very well the coping mechanism he was using. He learned it from me after all.
"You are… Way too confident."
"You bring that in me." He said as he turned the light on.
"Three in the morning? You must be really horny." I said when I noticed the time.
I sat up looking around my room, the normalcy and familiarity made more evident the fact that all the previous circumstances of the demise of our relationship still existed, and that a night's holocaust hadn't mutated basic physical laws.
I got up and put on a t-shit from the floor and headed towards the bathroom.
"What are you doing?" he asked me.
"Nothing… Thinking… Brushing my teeth…"
He came into the bathroom with me.
"Do you mind if I use yours?" He asked when I was done.
"Yes. I don't want your germs on me." I said with a weak smile but handing him my toothbrush.
"Too bad… I think we already exchanged enough secretions."
"I think we definitely did."
We walked back to the bed and he sat against the headboard. I sat crossed legged facing him.
"Do you mind doing your thinking here? I'd prefer it." He said pulling me to his lap.
"Are you really going to let me think?" I asked knowing the answer well.
"If it means that you're going to start regretting what we just did, I won't." He said pushing my hair off my shoulders.
"We'll eventually need to figure out what this means." I said.
"You know what this means."
"No… I know what you want this to mean. And I know what I'm terrified this will mean. I don't regret what we did, but you know it was a mistake. This is going to mess us a lot. We were still trying to be friends again."
"Can't we be friends and lovers? I think we've done that in the past."
"Things didn't work in the past." I refreshed his memory.
"So are you just going to make love to me a couple of times and then leave me?" He asked trying to look cute.
"We only did it once." I pointed out.
"Are you going anywhere right now?" He said with a wicked grin.
"You are an idiot."
"And you are gorgeous. Let's take this off." And with a swift movement he took the shirt off.
"I'm not looking forward doing the talk right now. But we have to eventually."
"We'll talk about it in the morning, happy?"
"So now can we go to bed?" I asked feeling tired.
"Happy to oblige." He then kissed me rubbing my back with one hand and holding on to my hair with the other. He gently pushed us so I was lying on my back underneath him and our feet touched the headboard.
He started moving against me when I suddenly realized what was missing between us.
I pushed him off.
"You are such an idiot!" I yelled sitting up.
"I enjoy your sarcasm, but outright offenses are not my idea of foreplay."
"You didn't use a condom! I'm such an idiot! What's the matter with us!" I said punching him lightly on the chest.
"You're not on the pill?" He asked surprised.
"Ah… Remember that conversation about me not having sex in over eighteen months? What's wrong with you? Did you expect me to just stay on it in the rare occurrence you'd wanted to have sex with me? Do you always expect the girl to take care of it?"
"I've been very safe for your information. It's just something about me and you… As a matter of fact, you are the only woman I have not used a condom with…"
"Okay, this cannot happen again… I cannot get pregnant out of this." I said as my head was spinning.
"Would it be so bad to do that with me?" He asked in all honesty.
"That is not the problem so don't twist my words. I've already done this before, complicating things before you and I figure our stuff out and can normally decide what we want. I want to do things right for once."
He chuckled.
"I'm glad to know I make you laugh."
"It's not that… I suddenly remember that I promised you it wasn't going to be the last time you carried my child…"
"That is not funny…"
"You are not going to get pregnant." He reassured me.
"And you know this for a fact?" I asked thinking that maybe we both deserved to be punished.
"I don't… I'm just optimistic… Besides, I vowed next time I was going to mean it. When it's the right time, I want to know what I'm creating."
That stopped me dead on my tracks. Edward had a knack for saying things that melt my insides, at absolutely the worst times.
"I need to get my day planner…" I said getting up and walking outside to find my workbag, which was lying on top of the dining table. I didn't care I was walking around completely naked.
"Since when do you have a day planner?" He asked walking behind me.
"Since I have a real job. I have dress pants and blazers too. What do you think that I go to work on my Bowie t-shirt and converse sneakers?"
"I actually thought you'd pull that off."
"I don't work at Barnes and Noble." I said getting my day planner form my bag and flipping through the pages looking for the markings of my cycle on the calendar.
I counted the days as he placed little kisses on my shoulder.
"We're safe… I'm getting my period in three days."
"That is always good to know…" He commented.
"That's it. I'm getting an IUD as soon as possible." I said while I wrote down 'Call OB/GYN' on my to do list for Monday.
Looking back I could see a huge grin plastered on his face.
"Oh don't smile!… This isn't for you… I am obviously not trustworthy when it comes to contraception… That sounds familiar… Did Carlisle say that to me at some point?" I asked trying to remember.
"He definitely said that to me." He admitted.
"Well I'm not reliable if you are around. And don't get your hopes up, I'm not promising anything. I just don't want to ever feel like this again."
"We had sex many times without it resulting on me knocking you up. That was only once." He informed me.
"Do you think that night in my room was the only time I've taken a pregnancy test?" I said delighted with his naïveté.
"This is news to me. Did you do that more than once?" He asked me.
"A couple of times when we were living together." I confessed.
"But I thought we were being careful. Weren't we using like two or three different methods?"
"We were, but I still had a couple of scares." I said remembering those times. Once you get burned you learn to be very ware of fire. Although, I had just proven, time makes you forget everything.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Edward asked.
"There was no need. And I wasn't going to worry you." I responded.
"I'm sorry you had to go through that on your own."
"It's not a big deal. Just a part of being a woman."
"And I'm sorry I was an ass and didn't think about being safe." He said apologizing.
"It didn't cross my mind either." I admitted.
"So… We're safe?" He asked as he embraced me.
"Yes, my ovulation passed."
"Then nothing says we couldn't…"
"It's late… I want to go to sleep." I said pulling myself off him and walking towards my bedroom.
"Hey what is this…" He said touching my lower back.
I froze remembering what he was referring to.
"It's nothing…" I said trying to get his attention off of it.
"You got some ink… Let me see." He said pulling me back while he kneeled to see it.
"Ah… I see…" He said tracing the gothic lettering that spelt "Nevermore".
"It's… something symbolic for me… You probably don't understand."
"Of course I do… the baby… When I told you'd make a good mom, and we joked about Poe… It's beautiful." He said kissing the spot.
He got up and turned me around. His face was serious, he wasn't joking anymore. He lifted me up and I instinctively wrapped my legs around his body. And with that he took me to my bed, to make me forget some more.
"Is it morning yet?" I asked opening my eyes and noticing it wasn't as dark anymore.
"No… Go back to sleep." I was told.
"Avoiding something?"
"I'm just enjoying this."
"What?" I asked.
"You lying on my chest. It's been a long time since you slept with me. And I really mean sleep. I used to have trouble sleeping if you weren't around remember? I had a hard time getting used to sleeping alone."
I had had that problem as well.
"Humans are adaptable. It's funny how a person could get used to pretty much anything."
"I'd call that incredibly sad." Said Edward.
"Come on. Let's get up. I'll make you breakfast." I said getting up.
"Sex and breakfast. You are a good host Swan."
"Don't get used to it."
I put on a silk robe Patrick had given me as a present, thinking that it was the perfect opportunity to wear what I had deemed useless before.
Edward sat on the counter looking at me wearing only his boxers while I cooked.
"So… When are we having that conversation?" I asked while turning an omelet.
"When my stomach is full. You really know how to kill the mood Swan."
He was avoiding the talk.
"I'm not the villain here Cullen." I finally said resigned to be the one coaxing him to face the facts.
"Stop it. You are talking about it." I heard dread in his words.
"Whatever."
There was a knock on my door and it startled both of us.
"Are you expecting anyone?" He asked.
"No. Patrick and Elyse sometimes drop by, but they have keys and just barge in. Which reminds me, you should go put some clothes on in case it's them."
"Are you embarrassed about what we did now?" He said smiling.
"No. But Patrick will make some lewd remark regarding your physique, tell me, is your masculinity that secure?" I asked.
"You have a point." He said walking towards my room while I went to the door to open it.
Surprised didn't begin to describe my feeling when I found Neil outside my apartment.
"Good morning." He said and I could see his surprise to see me in the silk robe.
"Hi… Neil. How are you?" I felt very awkward being dressed like that.
"Good. Sorry I came without calling. I thought about coming by and seeing if you wanted to have breakfast… But I think I should have called first." He said beginning to understand that his presence wasn't as welcomed as he had probably expected.
"Ah… I'm sorry…" I started muttering when I saw surprise form on Neil's face, and I felt a hand settle on my hip.
"Who is it baby?" Edward asked making a claim on me.
I felt awful looking at Neil. Our date had made it very clear to me that I could not find myself attracted to him, but I didn't want to be rude, he hadn't been anything but nice and respectful.
"Ah…" It was all that came out my mouth.
"Hi… I'm Edward…" He said giving Neil a nod.
"Ah… I'm Neil… I work with Bella… I think I'm intruding… I'm sorry… I'll see myself out." He said retreating.
I felt numb as I was pulled back and Edward closed the door.
"Let's see about that omelet." He dared say like nothing had just happened.
"What the fuck was that?" I asked looking at him and wondering if I truly knew him.
"What do you mean?"
"Don't play the idiot card. I cannot believe you would embarrass me like that."
"Don't give me that crap. You perfectly know what it was. You want me to spell it out for you? Fine. I was jealous."
Whatever tension we had gotten rid of was rapidly reforming.
"Of course I know you were jealous, your behavior is what I don't understand. I'm actually amazed you didn't just pee on me!" I said raising my voice.
"Worried I burned your chances with him?"
"That had nothing to do with it, you big hypocrite. May I remind you are the one in a relationship?"
"I told you it ended last night."
"You told me she broke up with you and then you persuaded me to accept you in my bed because it was what you needed right then. And those were your exact words. Are you sure that it is over? For you? Do you truly believe it was over for her? Don't you think she sees it as just a fight?"
"I went out with her for two months top. Don't make it sound like we were engaged."
"I was civil and I showed respect to the person you were with because I care about you and because I have manners. I went out with that guy one time, and you became a caveman. You treated me like I was your property. So don't give me shit."
"I have no intention of going back to her… Last night had no meaning for you?"
"It had more than you imagine. But last night was something physical. I'm not stupid, I am very observant of what was said and not said last night."
"You didn't seem to care about it when I was deep in you."
I knew what he was doing.
We were both going for blood now.
"You really know where to cut don't you?" I said.
"I'm sorry… I shouldn't have said that. But you are very aware of what we feel for each other."
I wasn't missing the words he was not saying. I had been right about having too much stuff to sort through before pretending we had gotten back together.
"That was never the problem…" I said and I realized that I couldn't hold that any more. I was going to let it out:
"…You know what the problem is… You know what I fear… Everyone blamed me: I was the one who left. But you know very well that you checked out of the relationship well before I left."
He was silent for a while and finally spoke.
"I did."
"Then don't come to me acting like I'm the one afraid. I gave you everything I had to give. I cannot give you anything else. You have already taken it all."
"Things are different now." He pleaded.
"No, they are not. This is not going to work until we deal with them."
"So let's deal with them."
"No. I want you to get out now." I admitted looking down to my floor. And just like in one of my favorite songs, in the middle of the world crumbling down I noticed the dust has collected on the floor. The world was going to continue spinning despite it all.
"Bella."
"Get out of here now." I went to my bedroom and picked up his clothes.
"You are being irrational."
I threw his clothes at him. And he put on his pants.
"Get the fuck out of my apartment." I ordered coldly.
"You need to calm down and we need to talk about this."
"We do. And we will, but right now I need you to get the fuck out." I ordered him.
"I'm not going to let this go."
"And I appreciate that. But if you care about me you are going to give me space right now."
"You know how I feel Swan."
"Likewise." I said closing the door.
I wasn't going to cry. I had done all my crying the night before.
The door opened again and I turned ready to yell some more but instead Patrick and Elyse stood in front me.
"Good Lord woman. It's like Picadilly Circus out there. We saw Neil leave and then we bumped into your scarcely clad ex. Had and orgy and didn't invite us?" Patrick said lightening my moon a bit.
"Not the time for it Patrick. Neil showed up unannounced and Edward pulled the macho card to let him know I'm his."
"So… Are you?"
I grimaced at the comment. But my inner voice mimicked him: 'Was I?'
"I really don't know how to answer that right now. I think you both know that a booty call is not a profession of love." I responded.
"So you banged the lad last night and kick him out? You are quite the praying mantis." Said Patrick.
"Are you okay Bella?" Elyse asked opting to leave all the mockery to our friend.
"I'm fine. Or at least I will be after you fetch the tequila from the cupboard."
"Drinking to forget is never a good idea." She told me.
"I'm not going for oblivion. Just for numbness." I said in honesty.
Patrick proceeded to the kitchen and yelled back:
"Look Elyse! There's food ready and everything… One man's booty call gone bad is someone else's Sunday brunch."
It was just the last straw. It was just ridiculous.
"I look fondly back to the time when I was the one making jokes at other people's life." I said walking in the kitchen and sitting on the counter, right where Edward was sitting before.
"That's what we are love, your karma. And by the way Izz, go get a shower. You reek of sex." He said patting my leg.
"I love you too Patrick."
"So tell us about your little romp. What possessed you to follow my advice?" He inquired quite surprised I had actually 'shagged his brains out'.
"I didn't plan this Patrick."
"Well I reckon these things are seldom planned." He responded.
"I met his girlfriend yesterday."
"And that explains it all…" Elysed added.
"We ran into someone who knew us from high school and she assumed we were together, made some comments and then Karen reacted like any hot-blooded woman."
"Threw a hissy fit?" Elyse guessed.
"She was overly jealous and threw some low punches." I recalled.
"But of course you beat her senseless." My English friend assumed.
"Not exactly. I didn't let her walk all over me, but I was the one leaving the place in tears." I admitted.
"And then?" Elyse asked.
"He showed up. Apparently she broke up with him and then we had a stroll down memory lane."
"Is that what you crazy kids call it these days?" Patrick asked.
"I was weak."
"What is bothering you so much, hon?" Elyse asked me.
"I'm not going to pretend I didn't want it, or that I didn't enjoy myself, but we still have a lot of stuff that is not resolved. And I know I just messed it up by being physical. This is so not the way of doing things. And I know it from experience."
"I'm not sure I see why it is so bad?" Patrick wondered.
"Well… If she hadn't said the things she said they'd still be together… The truth is that he can't say shit like: he never stopped loving me or that we are meant to be together… Not that he tried to anyways… The truth is that he wasn't trying to get me back for good. He carried on with another relationship. And I don't care that she was good or not, or the fact that it is now over. I care about him wanting the promise of happiness with someone else. And I know he wanted that, because he knew something was beyond repair with us."
"But he doesn't want her back does he?" Elyse asked me.
"He didn't rush to end it before, and if it hadn't been for a fortuitous meeting and the mention of something that was sacred to both of us, they'd still be together. I don't want him because it's convenient. I want him to want me despite everything else. Not just because we know so much about each other, or because we share this past. Or even because it is great in bed."
"Though that is a perk, right?" Patrick added.
"Sure… Listen… There are some things that only he knows about… And until we deal with that… I can't imagine a happy ever after."
"I think it's not us you should be talking about this with." Elyse wisely commented.
"I know… I just need time to figure out what I feel and what I want. And he definitely needs time as well. But I'm not going to do this for him. This is something he has to do on his own."
"Okay… Well hop on that shower and we can eat this food and do some drinking, but I won't let you get reacquainted with tequila. I'll make some mimosas." Patrick informed me.
"Thank you both." I said walking to the shower not completely happy about having to wash Edward's scent off my skin.
There, I bet my status just changed again. But it isn't over 'til it's over.
Just think that conflict ensures that this story goes on instead of ending soon.
The one thing I can tell you is that we will get to see Alice's wedding.
Thank you to all of you that read and to those who reviewed too: You keep me writing.
Ah! And to answer about the possibility of EPOV of this story. I don't want to do it. Because I want all of us to feel as confused as Bella. We'll have to take his spoken word for everything.
Thanks again!
