Chapter Eight
Harry looked at the list of Rachel's previous known locations and groaned.
"I know," said Louise, "this is going to take ages."
Hermione surveyed the large group that had gathered in the Entrance Hall and sighed.
"Perhaps we should split up?" she suggested.
"We've only got one multi-destinational portkey," said Fred, holding up a small model duck.
"Why don't we just ask Dumbledore for another one?" asked Will.
"His yearly week of nakedness begins today," replied George, "do you want to ask him?"
Will turned a delicate shade of green.
"I'll pass,"
Remus checked his watch.
"We've got a lot of places to check," he said, "let's get going."
"Ready kids?" asked Sirius.
"YAY! INTERNATIONAL MAGICAL TRAVEL!" responded the Pup-kids.
"Apparently we didn't have enough children already," grumbled Snape.
George grabbed Will and Harry and pushed them towards Fred.
"Come on, chaps," he said cheerfully, "you heard the werewolf, get a move on!"
Ron scowled as the anvil he had planned to drop on Harry thudded relatively harmlessly into the floor.
"Making circles, making circles, big and round, big and round," sung Louise, ignoring the strange looks she was receiving and grasping Fred and Rachel's hands, "everybody holds hands, everybody holds hands … and then we go to Russia!"
"How immature," muttered Ophi.
"That didn't even rhyme," complained Lynx.
Nonetheless, everybody held hands, Fred spoke the incantation to activate the portkey, and …
"Where are we?" asked Louise.
"Russia," said William.
"Duh," added Erindanous helpfully.
"I know which country," replied Louise, "I meant where in the country are we?"
Remus looked at his map; Sirius shrugged.
"Try and remember the last time you were in Russia," suggested Harry.
Rachel looked thoughtful.
"The last time we were in Russia …"
flashback
"Fuck," said Rachel, "I'm lost."
"Hide me, hide me, hide me!" shrilled another girl as she skidded around the corner.
"Louise?" asked Rachel. "What are you doing here?"
"Escaping from the KGB," replied Louise, "those people have a surprisingly limited sense of humour."
"Uh-huh," said Rachel, "what did you do?"
Louise coughed.
"It doesn't matter. Where are we anyway?"
"Russia," said Rachel, "duh."
Louise rolled her eyes.
"Both hilarious and helpful," she replied, "I meant where in Russia."
Rachel pulled out a map and shrugged.
"I have no idea,"
"Great," sighed Louise, "we're lost."
end flashback
"You two are so helpful," commented Hermione.
"What happened after that?" asked Harry.
"The KGB found us," said Louise, "so we ran down an alley and then hid in a bakery for three days."
"There's a bakery down there," said George, pointing.
"I didn't know you spoke Russian," said Remus.
"I don't," replied George, "I just see a lot of bread."
"Let's go check it out!" said Sirius excitedly.
"Yes," added Severus testily, "after all, how many bakeries can there be in Russia?"
"At least it's a start," replied Remus optimistically.
"Why would a soul be in a bakery anyway?" asked Fred. "I thought we were trying to find Rachel's birthplace."
"If someone turned up dead while we were in Russia," said Ron, "would everyone just suspect the Mafia?"
William shrugged.
"Guess so,"
"Is the Black Market an actual place?" asked Ron.
Louise grinned.
"Actually, there's a funny story about that –"
"Which nobody wants to hear," interjected Rachel.
"Come on," sighed Hermione, "let's just go into the bakery."
"But we're taking up valuable page space!" protested George. "If we just did stuff without standing around discussing our opinions for a bit, then were would the Author be?"
"I'll tell you were the Author would be," added Fred, "she'd be on the couch looking at a very small word document."
"And now," continued George, "she's on the couch looking at a slightly longer word document."
"I'm hungry, Papa," said Caelum.
"ME TOO!" added his brothers and sisters.
Remus looked at Fred and George.
"Can we go into the bakery now?" he asked. "It is almost lunchtime."
The twins shrugged.
"Sure," they replied, "just don't be surprised if, a couple of chapters later, you turn into the person who has to marry the Giant Squid in a Marriage Law revival."
Ron gave a choked sob.
"Oh, Jarred," he whispered.
"Sweet bready treats for all!" proclaimed Sirius, running into the bakery.
Shocked screams filled the air.
"What's happening?" asked Harry, waving his wand around frantically. "Is it the New Dark Lord?"
"No," snaped Snape, "Black just isn't wearing pants."
Louise clicked her fingers and the screaming stopped.
Sirius popped his head out of the bakery.
"Hey," he said, "why'd these Russians scream at me, and then faint?"
"Oh, in the name of Merlin's deep vein thrombosis," said Hank, who had tired of licking himself, "can we just get some bread and get on with finding Rachel's soul?"
"What does a soul look like anyway?" asked Harry, as they all traipsed into the bakery.
Sirius shrugged as he passed out baked goods to his offspring.
"Why can't we just accio it?" asked Will.
"Because you don't know what it looks like, or its general whereabouts," replied Hermione sniffily, "if you'd read Hogwarts: A History –"
"Is that really in there?" asked Harry.
"It contains everything I say," said Hermione imperiously, "after all, who's going to argue with me?"
"Makes sense," said Harry.
"So why don't we try and find its general whereabouts?" asked Fred.
"How?" asked Hermione.
"Harry," said Ron, "why don't you look in this oven and see if Rachel's soul is in there?"
"Ok," replied Harry, crawling into the appliance.
"Could we try point me?" asked William.
"Hey!" said George, running out of the back room, "look what we found!"
He put a box on the bakery counter.
"It's a box!" said Louise happily.
"Incredible," said Snape. "Sometimes it amazes me that you managed to live this long."
"It looks familiar …" muttered Rachel.
"Is your flesh burning, Harry?" asked Ron.
"No," replied Harry, "the oven isn't on."
He climbed out.
"And Rachel's soul isn't in there anyway."
Rachel opened the box.
"Ewwww," said Lynx, "it's a yukky old tooth!"
"EW," added the Pup-kids, "YUKKY OLD TOOTH."
"It's the tooth you left here!" said Louise. "Isn't that cool, Rach?"
"Why would anyone keep a yukky old tooth?" asked Harry.
"YUKKY OLD TOOTH," added the Pup-kids, helpfully.
"Because they thought it would ward off vampires if they kept it in a copper box and did the Chicken Dance every evening at seven," stated Louise.
"It obviously doesn't," said Hermione, glancing at Rachel, "who told them that?"
"I have absolutely no idea," replied Louise innocently.
"This is a great start," enthused Remus, "now we can track Rachel's tooth."
"It's not actually my tooth," replied Rachel, "I nicked it from a dentist."
"Why would you steal a yukky old tooth?"
"YUKKY OLD TOOTH,"
"Thankyou, Pup-kids,"
"No worries,"
"Because I thought it might come in handy one day," explained Rachel.
Hermione sighed.
"I'll trace it anyway," she said, "Originatis!"
The entire group stared at the tooth as it glowed red, and then continued to lay tooth-like in the box.
"It's from Egypt," said Hermione.
"Well," said Remus, "it's a clue, I guess."
"Wanna go see some big pointy houses, kids?" asked Sirius.
"YAY!" said the Pup-kids. "BIG POINTY HOUSES!"
"Can we have a nap first?" asked Harry. "All this wasting page space is tiring."
"There's a very nice little storeroom out back," suggested Louise.
"I think we'll be using Albus's Gringotts' Gold Card to book a hotel room," said Snape, looking around at the group, "or three."
A/N: And you thought it would never happen. Shun the nonbelievers! Anyway, here is it, I hope this helps anyone who's great-aunties' may or may not have fallen into a coma. Please review - you know you want to.
