Disclaimer: I do not own Being Human
Chapter Eight
For Page's Creation
It had been a while since she had thought about the day her family was murdered. It was something she understandably didn't want to think about on most occasions. It was more something she just wanted to put behind her and move on rather than psychoanalysing every single detail of the event. Sometimes it was easier than she thought to put it to the back of her mind. She was grateful for this, it was better to not be haunted by ones past. Some people couldn't help but for the ghosts of the past to come and haunt them but this wasn't to say that she had her own ghosts come to haunt her on some occasions. She tried not to linger on such thoughts. That was what stopped them from coming so often. It made you waste away. It was better to go forwards other than looking back. She was already technically dead she didn't need to make it worse. There was nothing worse than being dead and having so many regrets when there was nothing you could do about it. She speculated that this may have been a result of her abstaining from the blood she continuously drank on a weekly basis. It was better for the past to remain in the past. She needed to start to look to the future. If it wasn't going to be brightly lit in the sun without her feeling some pain then she better make it as bearable as she could. The only thing she couldn't forget was his face.
That image that loomed over her face with lingered within the last moments of her human life would always haunt her. The angel-monster which took her life and her soul. That face which was so beautiful, which seemed so distorted when she first laid eyes on it. But every time she thought on it the face became more clearer. His eyes were the darkest, brightest, clearest blue eyes she had ever seen. His skin was so white, so smooth it reminded her of ivory silk. His hair was so dark, almost black but with auburn tints. The face would remain to linger in her mind forever. It was as if he had become a part of her now. He was her monstrous side. /Every time she looked into the mirror she sometimes saw him. In the background she saw the dead bodies of her family, he would lick their blood off his fingers with a malicious grin on his face. His blood-painted face starting back at her, tormenting and taunting her. Telling her that he was right. She desired and loved being a vampire. She loved being a monster and that she was going to fail in her endeavours in attempting to being an immortal human. She would sometimes wake up, screaming, ranting the name of the nameless demon. It would take Carl hours it seemed to calm her nerve, not knowing what it was she was shrieking at. He had no idea of the depth of her troubles. She dreaded him ever knowing sooner than when she would tell him willingly. It was her tale to tell and no one else's.
"Are you feeling better?" Carl asked as he marched through the doorway.
She sighed and continued to brush her hair. She knew if she continued to have this conversation she was going to be breaking one of her prime rules. If she talked about it any further she might as well be inviting those ghosts of hers to come in for tea. What made it bad enough was that she had another nightmare the night before. It wasn't of her family though. That was the strange yet unsettling thing about it. It wasn't of the event but only of him. It was a strange dream. She saw him in the corridor beckoning her to him. It was dark with only candles lighting the way. The walls were made of stone so it was a dwelling place beneath the ground. He held out her hand to her. His face was clean of any blood. It was like a premonition. It was like he was calling out to her. Her fallen angel. Another thing was that she was more than willing to obey him. She wanted to run towards him. She wished that her legs could carry her faster down that corridor. She felt her pulse thudding so hard even though she hadn't heard her own heartbeat in decades. How could such a thing be possible?
"Yes." She replied. "It was just a dream."
Carl looked unconvinced. He looked out the door before closing it and rubbed his eyes. He slowly walked towards her and sat beside her at her dresser.
"Effie. I think it is time to tell me of that time."
Her blood went cold. She never told anyone about what happened when she was turned. Then again she never had a companion like Carl. The only other vampire she had met was Ivan and he never even saw him that often yet she trusted him with her life or whatever she could call her existence. Ivan was like a father to her. She could trust but she wasn't sure whether she could really confide her deepest, darkest secrets to him. Not this one anyway. Her entire body shivered at the prospect of telling anyone this. They were always cold, of course, but her veins were colder than they had ever been. Than any human could ever imagined. Then again a human could never have fathomed such a life, such a beginning to such a life. She knew what he meant by 'that time'. Every vampire had 'that time' which sounded like something you would regret when it was merely your birth into this abominable existence. Most vampires loved it when they seemed to hate recalling the day when they became what they now were. That moment when she moved from a mortal to an immortal state. That unnatural moment which broke the laws of nature. She had dreaded this moment but it was inevitable. She didn't want it to come but she knew it was necessary. She slowly turned her eyes to him fearful, wondering what would become of her after she had spoken those forbidden words.
"I would like to say that...it is not a time I like to think of too often. It used to haunt me. Nearly all the time but after giving up the blood its hold on me has begun to fade away. Now only the one responsible remains in my mind and soul."
"The one who turned you?" He asked in a concerned voice. "Well of course, they always remain with you, dear. They always do. They are...our parents in a way. They made us. They are our guides."
She scoffed. "He was never my guide. He turned me then walked out the door I have never seen him since except in my dreams. My mother died giving birth to my younger sister so I was the 'mother' of the family. The day that it happened...I would be lying if I said that it was a normal day. There was a sense of a evil presence lingering. When they came home from work, my father and my brothers we had dinner and it was beginning to get dark. I just went out to get some candles and the next thing I knew I heard a scream. I rushed to the room and found them dead. Then the vampire appeared after I begged to offer my own life for my sisters. He instead offered me eternal life. It was somewhat against my will but deep down I desired it rather than to live or die. I am still living but I am also dead so I suppose its the only option I could take. Then he left. Gone without a trace."
"I'm so sorry." Carl replied silently. He gripped Effie's hand tightly. "I lost my family years ago when they all died of disease or old age. But I never had to witness their deaths let alone such a terrible one. I can't imagine what you've been through."
She shook her head. "No. I don't think any mind could fathom it. No matter how far the imagination could stretch." She agreed. "I don't think even I could believe it despite it being there right before me. I didn't even bother to clean up the mess. I buried the bodies and cleaned the house that night. They deserved a burial after I left it clean and in a way I was cleansing myself of anything that was remotely human. It was my way of accepting my new life."
"I guess that was the only way." Carl replied, patting her hand.
"I also blame myself. I knew it was coming. Like I said it wasn't like any other day. My contempt for my wasteful, dull life was heightened and knew something was approaching. Something dark and foreboding and I warned no one. It was my job."
Carl shook his head. "None of this is your fault. It's only the fault of...What was his name?"
She shook her head sadly. "I never knew his name. He never told me. He only told me to remember the gift he bestowed upon me. The gift being the freedoms of eternal life."
"Some freedoms they are." Carl mumbled. "Do you miss them? Your family."
She stared at him for a moment in disbelief. "Of course I do. I miss them everyday. Every moment. Sometimes I wish they were here with me. I wish that none of this had happened but at the same time I know that the thought of us living together in eternal peace is a lot more...attractive. There is some more possibility in an eternal life rather than a monotonous, bland existence. I can't lie about that."
"I don't expect you to." Carl chuckled nervously. "You did well."
She turned to him and looked into his eyes. They were honest. They were always honest. Anything that came out of Carl's mouth was honest.
"Did I? I never really thought about what was right or wrong but what was necessary. Drinking blood to sustain my sanity. Killing was a part of my nature. Everything was so absolute when the funny thing is our very existence...there's nothing remotely absolute about it."
"Maybe. All we have to do is just live our lives as we wish though. We don't have to determine how we lead it by what is expected of a vampire. The point of being one is living freely therefore, we can do what we wish."
She nodded. "I'm glad I told you. I've been holding this deep inside me for so long. I've been alone in my misery for so long. I've never really thought...I never thought I could really open myself up to anyone." A tear rolled down her cheek which she brushed away roughly. "Sorry."
"It's alright. You've done something...really brave actually. If I had that on my shoulders I don't think I would've even said a hello to you. I would be so closed off from everyone I don't think I would be able to...You're stronger than I am, Effie. Hold onto that."
"I'll try." She replied weakly and kissed him. "So...I'll wait for you to be strong enough, alright?"
He sighed and looked down at the ground. "Effie. My suffering isn't anywhere near yours. I was simply pulled to one side into an alley by a vampire who turned me as he found out...what sort of people I went for, sexually speaking. He was my first lover...as a vampire."
She shifted slightly so that she was facing him. "Really? What was his name?"
"His name was Fredrick. He wasn't in the least bit handsome. He was rather ugly actually but..."
She eyed him slightly. "What?"
"I don't know whether I should tell you." He teased and she pushed him.
"I used to drag prostitutes into dark alleys dressed as a man and drain their blood. I think I can handle it."
He smiled. "He was very good...in bed. That was the only redeeming quality he had. He had terrible manners, rude, inconsiderate except in bed. Other than that...he was just horrible."
"How did you leave him?" She asked curiously.
"He took another." He replied curtly. She rubbed his back to comfort him. "Oh don't worry. I was glad to be rid of him. I had learnt enough of the vampire ways from him now I had an excuse to leave him. I was relieved rather than anything. In fact I pitied the poor boy he picked up."
She threw back her head and laughed. She had been told Carl's experiences with other men before but never had she laughed so hard. Some were rather amusing and other she found herself yearning for her own love affair after she had finished. Better to have loved than never love at all. Or something like that. She couldn't remember the last time she laughed. She laughed all the time with Carl but not this much. Perhaps it gave her some comfort she wasn't the only one who suffering. It was easier to laugh at the hard times rather than the good ones. It was because you knew they had passed and it was out of amazement that you were able to drag yourself out of them in one piece. Maybe she was comforted by the fact that Carl hadn't suffered that much. He had become so dear to her, she wasn't in love with him, it would be ridiculous to fall in love with him since he was a homosexual. The love she felt for him was one a sister had for her brother. One that she would have for a friend. She cared for him as a mother would love her son. She tilted her head to try read his features. He must have been thinking about his past lover. She could tell there was some regret and mourning he was feeling for that relationship but she knew he had allowed it to pass. She was happy that he was able to let that go.
"So. Are you going to go out today or not?" She questioned.
He widened his eyes and slapped his hand on the seat. "Of course we are. You're not backing out are you?" He questioned throwing an accusative finger at her.
She shook her head. "You can pick out my dress if you wish."
"Absolutely. It's about time I did." He purred as he made his way to her wardrobe. "I feel like lavender today."
