Strict Beauty

From Robert Hass's Spring Drawing

as if radiance were the meaning of meaning, and justice responsible to
daydream not only for the strict beauty of denial,

but as a need to reinvent the inner form of wishing.


Liara moved Thalassa's hand off her breast.

Thala groaned softly into Liara's neck folds, as her hand drifted down to Liara's thigh. "Liaraaa…. no one's watching."

Liara crossed her legs and gently pushed Thala's head back from her neck. "I'm watching … this vid." The two sat in the darkened basement screening room of the T'Soni residence on one of the large cushion benches. "Mitera gave me permission to view some of the declassified dispatches for my upcoming paper on first contacts." Liara didn't look away from the screen except to make notes on the datapad she held. "I think she hopes this will get me more interested in current affairs."

Thala's gaze didn't move from Liara. "I'm very interested in our current affairs."

"Mmm, I wonder what the Protheans did when they encountered new species…." Liara tilted her head and typed something into her datapad. A loud roar from the speakers made Liara jump and grab Thala's knee. Both stared at the large viewscreen on the opposite wall.

They watched a huge, heavily muscled creature charge the camera, its triangular mouth open and bristling with teeth. Several others, enormous blurs, could be seen in the background running toward the camera at incredible speed. The camera fell to the ground and a massive, three-clawed foot gouged the dirt in front of it. Motes of dirt flecked the screen before it cracked. They heard screams and crunching and ripping noises before the feed turned to static. "This was the last transmission from the Parnack delegation. The council has unanimously voted to quarantine the planet." Footage of a yahg meeting with a group of turians, asari and salarians in the garb of scientists this time played as the voiceover went on, "First encountered by surveyors, this apex species, known as the yahg, are larger than krogan and demonstrate considerable intelligence, adaptability and … unsurpassed ferocity." The yahg towered over the others in the frame with it.

The image jumped a little, and Liara suspected they had used hidden cameras. She swallowed and gripped Thala's knee tighter as the picture changed, and the camera zoomed in on the cold, calculating four eyes of one particular yahg, then its two large horns, then its rough armored hide, before pulling back to a wider shot that showed a yahg pursuing a small fat purple creature that leapt very high and ran very fast. "Oh no!" She turned wide eyes to Thala, who wrapped a comforting arm around her as the camera shot pulled back even farther so that a pack of yahg could be seen herding a whole group of the terrified creatures into a dead end. Liara burrowed her face in Thala's shoulder as the creatures squealed in agony. "Oh those poor things…. This is horrible!" Thala held her tight as the voiceover continued. "Yahgs evince a hierarchical pack structure, centered around the strongest, most cunning individual. Violence determines power."

"Do you want me to turn it off?" Thala rocked Liara a little in her arms.

"Is it over?" Thala's shirt muffled Liara's voice. She pushed against Thala's chest and peeked at the screen.

The screen now showed a bustling city. "Monitoring posts indicate that yahg culture may soon develop space flight. Talks are underway about what measures should be taken to guard against this threat. We will continue to track and advise of developments."

Liara bit her bottom lip. "I don't know why anyone would get into any field that would put them at risk of having to deal with something like that."

"Are you worried about the Mitera?" Thala rubbed Liara's back, and pressed pause on the controls.

"No, they'd never send Miterai off Thessia for first contact. They're too important to risk. That's doubly true for the Potnia." Liara took in a deep breath and leaned into Thala. "Maybe it's things like this that explain why she looks so tired sometimes. It's a lot to have to know."

Thala tightened her arm around Liara. "You ever think about doing what she does?"

Liara's shoulders stiffened. "No, and I wish people would stop asking me that."

"Sorry." Thala frowned. "I didn't mean…." Her voice trailed off.

"I know." Liara relaxed back into Thala. "The more I see, the more it confirms my interest in archaeology. At least the past never killed anyone. I'd much rather study ancient history, examine life once the scary parts are over."

"Everyone knows you plan to study the Protheans for the rest of your life, even the Mitera." Thala relaxed too. "Has she said anything more to you about it, about your application?"

"Just to keep my options open; that a millennium is a long time—but she approved it! Serrice, here I come!" Grinning, Liara kissed Thala on the cheek. "Are you disappointed?"

"That's great! I'm really happy for you." Thala grinned back at her, before clutching at her heart with her free hand. "But woe is me, for my love, she loves another." She raised the back of her hand to her forehead and closed her eyes. "I'm in a love triangle with Liara T'Soni and the Protheans," she proclaimed dramatically, "a mere acolyte of their priestess."

Liara ducked her head and pushed it against Thala's shoulder. "Pfft! You're being silly."

"I thought you weren't supposed to smack people with your head anymore." Thala teasingly licked the top of Liara's crests.

Inhaling sharply at the pleasure, Liara shuddered and sat up. "I should never have told you that story." She looked suddenly serious. "I mean, are you disappointed I don't want to be like the Mitera?"

Thala still busily pretended she was in a tragedy. She had reached one hand in the air, and had tilted her head back. "Oh how, how will I ever compete with an entire civilization! Liara, my love, my love, come back to me, for they are cold and gone, and I am warm and here!"

"Do you want to be with me because my M'ana is famous?"

"What?" Thala frowned. "No. Being famous is obnoxious."

Liara nodded and snuggled back against Thala. "Sometimes I wish things were different, that I could have her all to myself, like when we were on Palaven." She sighed.

Thala's arm tightened around her.

"Even when she wasn't the Potnia, though, people always wanted to be around her all the time." After a moment, Liara picked up a different train of thought. "What about you? Have you decided what you want to do, where you'll be going next year?"

"I'm going to be a neo-Prothean," Thala grinned. "I'll protect innocent maidens like you from scary new species, and win lots of hearts with my dashing good looks."

"Lots?" Liara's eyes narrowed.

"Ten at least…"

Liara smiled. "That many?"

"I don't want to be greedy." Thala tilted her chin in the air, trying to look noble.

"What will you do with them?" Liara traced the line of Thala's jaw with her index finger.

Thala stuck out her chest. "I will thump them!"

Liara bit her lip. "The maidens?"

"Yes, I will thump them into dust in a blaze of biotics unless they kneel at my … What?! Wait! No! The scary species! I mean … the yahg thingees, not the…."

"Maybe you should try diplomacy." Liara struggled not to laugh.

"On the maidens?" Thala frowned.

"Yes, before thumping them."

Beet purple, Thala tried to recover. "I meant scary new species."

"I certainly hope so. Otherwise, there are going to be ten very tender maidens…" Liara laughed.

"Liara…." The expression in Thala's eyes stilled Liara's laughter.

Feeling an alarming surge of desire, Liara unpaused the vid. "Umm, let's see what other species you may have to protect maidens from. There's only one more dispatch in this group."

The big screen now showed a green and blue planet wrapped in white clouds. "Species 7239, humans, continue to develop beyond Earth." The camera zoomed in on the planet's only moon. "What their communications refer to as the Armstrong Outpost on Luna has grown into a mining settlement and colony." The camera pulled out to focus on a small red planet on the other side of Earth. "Meanwhile, their Mars colony has developed into a commercial and industrial center that now also boasts a large population concentrated mainly in Lowell City." The camera zoomed in on the settlement. "They have sent an expedition toward Saturn, their farthest-reaching endeavor yet. Although their spaceflight technology is slow and limits them to their own galaxy for now, technological advances in the next few centuries may propel them to entrance on the intergalactic stage." The view switched to two naked humans in glass containment cylinders. "The salarians have covertly taken several specimens for study to Sur'Kesh, presumably because so little is known about them."

Liara leaned forward with interest as the camera slowly panned over one of the two, over what looked like breasts, and four-fingered hands with opposing digits and feet with five toes. "They look like us!"

The voiceover announced, "The female of the species resembles the asari, but shows little sign of possessing the capacity to develop biotics." The camera panned over the body of the male.

"No biotics." Thala shook her head. "I feel sorry for them. They look so vulnerable."

"Shhhh!" Liara squirmed under Thala's arm. "Look at their strange heads!"

"Believed to have evolved from a pyjack-type mammalian species, humans have a covering of fur, thickest on the head, and rival the salarians for brevity of lifespan. Like other short-lived species, they compensate with ingenuity and prolific, rapid breeding in order to survive. They may one day prove capable of joining the intergalactic community. Further monitoring and study is underway."

Thala cocked her head. "On the up side, I'm fairly confident that I could protect you from one of those."

Turning off the vid, Liara was lost in thought for a few moments. "Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if the Protheans had made first contact with us, instead of us being the ones to find all the others?"

No, but I imagine what it would be like…." Thala looked at Liara longingly again. "… to make first contact with you."

Liara's breath caught at the intensity of the look. "Thala…."

Thala slowly leaned in and kissed her, the tentative kiss becoming more passionate as Liara responded. When they came up for air, Thala said huskily, "You're a very good kisser."

"I try to practice lots." Liara's hand drifted to the back of Thala's neck as her lips descended again on Thala's.

Thala's lips parted, and she shuddered as Liara's tongue entered her mouth. Her fingertips dipped under Liara's top and grazed Liara's abdomen. Slowly they slid higher.

Her breath coming in short bursts, Liara closed her eyes as the now familiar, searing flood of desire rose in her. Thala's hands wrapped around her sides and rose. Liara rolled her shoulder blades back as Thala's hands stroked the sides of her breasts. "Thal…" She gasped. "Wait."

Breathing heavily, Thala waited obediently as Liara reached down to grab the hem of her shirt and lifted it up over her head, freeing her breasts. Thala's eyes darkened.

Throwing her shirt aside, Liara glanced at Thala with concern. "You ok? Do you need me to stop?"

"Unh unh." After a few moments, Thala's eyes went back to their normal green. Intent on Liara's breasts she sat up on the bench, reverently bringing her hands up to cup them. "Just…. Wow." She shook her head, at a loss for words as her hands pressed into the soft warm swell of them. "You're so beautiful." Her fingers shook a little.

Liara laid back on the bench. "You've seen them before."

"It's not like that." Thala followed her, lowering her mouth first to one breast, then to the other, as Liara's fingers stroked her crests. For a little while all that could be heard was heavy breathing.

Liara broke the silence first. "Take this off. I want to feel your skin." She tugged on the fabric around Thala's shoulders.

Hastily, Thala discarded her shirt and lay on top of Liara, keeping her eyes closed tightly as they kissed.

When Thala's fingertips dipped beneath the top of her leggings, Liara froze.

Thala stopped. "Ra?"

"I …," Liara pushed Thala off her, and sat up beside her. She was panting heavily.

Thala's eyes were dark. "You know, if you're waiting for a time when you won't feel nervous, that won't happen. The nervousness only goes away afterward. It's a good nervousness, one to enjoy." Thala gently took both Liara's hands in her own. "I promise."

Thala lay back on the wide cushioned bench, gently pulling Liara down with her. As Liara's weight settled on her, she moaned.

Liara pulled back. "Are you okay?" She asked anxiously, gazing searchingly in Thala's eyes. "Did I hurt you?"

"No, you never do, it's just…" Thala wrapped her arms lightly around Liara's waist. "I want you so much. I want to be as close to you as I can be. I've wanted that for so long."

Liara's eyes flashed dark, and she struggled up again on the bench in panic.

"Ra… ," Thala's voice sounded pained. Liara didn't dare look at her. "We've been spending lots of time together for two years, two wonderful years ... and nothing bad has happened to me. You're not going to hurt me. You're not one of the … you know."

Reaching down to grab her shirt, Liara turned away. "I can't." The fierceness of the hunger she felt for Thala scared her. This might be how it started.

"…Don't you want me?"

"Of course I do." Liara turned back swiftly, and kissed Thala's cheek. "Very much, and I want to do more … but I'm not ready for that, Thal." She placed her hand on Thala's thigh. "I need to go really slowly, to make sure I don't lose control." Patting Thala's thigh, she stood.

"But Liara…" Thala reached for her hand.

"We have to go to dinner." Liara smiled down at her, one hand stroking Thala's crests, the other squeezing Thala's hand. Seeing how sad Thala looked, Liara felt guilty. "But there's something I want to try later."

Thala's eyes widened. "From that book?"

"A new one." With a grin and a tug on Thala's hand, Liara headed for the doorway.


Thala grabbed her shirt and followed Liara up the stairs, wriggling back into it as she did.

When they reached the dining room, Liara turned to her. "Wait here, I'm just going to grab the necklace Mitera gave me."

The room was lit but the table hadn't been set, and the house was uncharacteristically quiet. The pre-Janiris services were held in Armali Center. Thala stood in the entryway between the hall and the dining room. Glancing around to make sure she was alone, she turned toward the room's wide jamb and rested her head against her forearm there. She couldn't relax. Desire still thrummed through her. In her frustration, she rocked her forehead against her forearm. "Wait, wait, WAIT, wait!" She gripped the side of the doorway tightly with her free hand. "AAAAGH!" Smacking her forehead helped distract her from the ache elsewhere, so she continued. "Why did I HAVE to fall in LOVE with the ONLY asari who WANTS to be a 200-YEAR-old virgin?! WHHHHHHY?!" With one last resounding smack, she stopped hitting her forehead and moved her now sore arm. She leaned her forehead against the cool jamb for a moment before, with a sigh, she pushed back from the wall.

Lady Benezia and another asari stood in the hallway.

Thala's jaw dropped, and she flushed purple up to her eyes.

Lady Benezia's eyes were kind. She looked over at the stranger and the two of them stepped forward.

"M'ana!" The choked sound came from the opposite side of the room, where Liara stood, open-mouthed and also purple-faced. Thala's blush extended to the tips of her crests, and she closed her eyes tight.

"Ah, hi, Mitera …." She bowed and tried to slide by them. "I was just … heading home … forever."

"Mathitis Thalassa…" Lady Benezia tilted her head and smiled.

Thalassa stopped, and as the Mitera said nothing further, looked up. When Lady Benezia looked at her like that, she really reminded her of Liara.

"It's good to see you again." Lady Benezia lightly touched Thalassa's arm, and reassured, Thalassa relaxed a little. "I hope you will consider dining with us tonight. The patio has been set up so that we can eat outside, and it is so lovely out. Plus, one of my dearest and longest-held friends, the Hetera Sha'ira, is joining us. She's here to help lead the Janiris services." Benezia turned to the newcomer. "Hetera Sha'ira, this is Mathitis Thalassa Rannd, Liara's aphrodisia."

"Longest held, Benny?" Sha'ira's lids lowered as she looked over at Benezia. Then the newcomer smiled at Thalassa. "Mathitis Thalassa, it's a joy to finally meet you. I've been hearing about little else from Liara since last Janiris." Thalassa felt momentarily star struck. Sha'ira lightly touched Thalassa's outstretched palms, before squeezing Thalassa's fingertips. "These T'Sonis. They rarely rush into anything, but when they make up their minds—watch out!" She winked.

Benezia's smile at seeing her daughter lit her face. "Agapi, I've missed you!" She held out her arms, Liara went to her and they hugged.

Afterward, Liara held out her hands, palms up, to Sha'ira. "Fili 'Ira, my eyes see with joy."

Sha'ira stroked Liara's forearms and held her hands as she bent forward and kissed Liara's cheek. "Filia 'Ra, my hands touch with joy. It's a delight to see you again. I swear you've gotten taller." She wrapped an arm around Liara's shoulders and steered her toward the doors to the garden. "Now is it true, what your aphrodisia said, that you've set a time goal? What an interesting concept."

"'Ira!" Liara's voice rose higher at the end, in a register Thala recognized as embarrassment.

Left with the Mitera, Thala swallowed hard. "Can we just forget I said anything? I didn't know anyone was nearby."

"There's no need." Benezia took Thalassa's arm and led her after the other two. "You are among friends. What better place for honesty? Maybe though, in the future, remember that you can never really know who's listening." She squeezed Thalassa's arm lightly. "Now, have you seen the garden yet? This is one of the best times of year for it. The proummon trees have just bloomed."


When the honey wine, nectar and full bellies had relaxed them all, and the conversation dwindled to silence under its spell, Liara and Thalassa excused themselves from the table. Benezia watched them walk back toward the house, touching each other's arms. "I don't understand why they go back inside. It's not cold, and the stars are out." She looked up to where the stars could be seen through the arched metal trellis overhead. The bazurita vines had not yet bloomed and grown to cover it. "Night is for the young, and what better place than a garden for lovers?"

Sha'ira bent forward over the table, revealing more of the soft swells of her breasts. "You've been setting a poor example."

Benezia drew in a deep breath and held it.

"How do you expect Liara, or your followers, to develop and adopt healthy attitudes toward sexuality when you let decades go by as if you hadn't one? Really, Benny!" She rose, took Benezia's hands and pulled her to her feet.

Benezia released the breath. "I know."

With a graceful gesture, Sha'ira brought Benezia close and ran one hand lightly down her side, as the other pressed against the small of Benezia's back with the gentlest of touches. Sha'ira's hips swayed their bodies from side-to-side together, using the smallest amount of pressure. "Come, dance with me under the proummon trees. Didn't I hear you tell the young aphrodisia that they are in bloom?" With the slightest letting up of pressure on Benezia's back, Sha'ira signaled her advance, and Benezia retreated as Sha'ira swayed forward. "Night isn't only for the young. Come, I'll remind you of the steps, if you've forgotten."

Benezia hardly remembered what it felt like to be held like this, to feel heat flow with the rhythm between another body and her own. The touches stirred long dormant feelings. She closed her eyes and sighed. "I thought Thala and Liara might want to see the blossoms." Benezia relaxed into the swaying motion, taking Sha'ira's hand in her own.

"The earliest flower and the briefest? Oh my dear..." Sha'ira's laugh gurgled like a spring stream as she gently pushed Benezia away to spin her before pulling her close again. "You have so much to learn on how to encourage love." Her hand slid a little lower.

Benezia opened her eyes. Because of the torches that lit the pathway to the doors, she could see, over Sha'ira's shoulder, Liara looking back at them as her aphrodisia held the door open. "And yet, it is one of the most beautiful…." This time the pressure increased, and Benezia swayed forward as Sha'ira retreated. "Don't tell me you value things only according to how long they last."

Sha'ira's shining gaze, when she looked at Benezia, seemed to pierce her soul. "I leave that to you…. Benny…."

Closing her eyes, Benezia let the pain fill her, losing track of the rhythm and stepping on Sha'ira's toes.

Sha'ira swayed her to the side. "Let me share it…." she whispered.

Benezia stopped dancing. "Don't!"

A gentle hand brushed Benezia's cheek, capturing her tears.


Sha'ira stretched languorously. The spring sunshine held just enough warmth for her to sunbathe on Benezia's private balcony nude with only the lightest and sheerest of coverings. The breeze lifted and dropped the wisp of slightly rough fabric over her skin, the sensation enough to keep her from falling asleep and burning. A tall glass of elasa rested beside the chaise, an eezo cube bubbling away in it, and the condensation running down the glass sparkled in the sunlight.

As she turned over on her stomach, she heard the door from Benezia's private study open and close with a heavy thud and the patter of bare feet. She didn't have to look to know it was Liara. Not only would Benezia never have let the door close so loudly, she was also lighter on her feet. "Good morning, Little Wing. Your M'ana is swimming."

"I know." The chaise nearby creaked as Liara settled on it. "She doesn't call me that anymore."

After listening to the bright trills of nearby nesting birds, Sha'ira continued in a desultory fashion, "Is your aphrodisia still here?"

"No, she doesn't sleep over." A page scraped loudly as Liara turned it.

Sha'ira squinted and peeked over at Liara out of one eye. "Why not?" She noticed that Liara had sat facing her and was staring at her intently, over a large opened book. Turning over on her back again, Sha'ira sat, lifted the glass to her lips, and sipped. The slight tangy flavor refreshed her.

Liara shrugged. "It doesn't seem like a good idea."

"Really?" Sha'ira adjusted her chaise so that she wasn't entirely prone. It amused and puzzled her to see Liara eyeing her body with intense scrutiny. This was new.

"Do you love my M'ana?" Liara frowned at her.

Ah. "Does that also not seem like a good idea?" Sha'ira was very curious about Liara. So many things about her reminded Sha'ira of Benezia when she was young, but the maiden was definitely her very own, unique person.

"It's just..." The book, forgotten, slid to the side off Liara's lap. "She doesn't always seem happy, and I saw her laughing with you last night, and I thought…."

Sha'ira watched Liara struggle for words. The birds trilled loudly in the background again.

"There's this beautiful glass flower in her study, and I wondered … have you seen it?" Liara finally managed.

Sadness nibbled at Sha'ira, like a fish on bread. Benny still hadn't told Liara about her father. "I have." Her answer was very soft.

"I thought … maybe, maybe … you'd given it to her? Or you know who did?" Liara's big blue eyes really reminded Sha'ira of Benny's, the way they could hold a question in them. From farther away on the estate, the buzz of a lawn mower could be heard starting.

Closer, Sha'ira could hear some creature clawing at the dirt. "These are questions for your M'ana."

Crestfallen, Liara looked at the stone paving.

There was little warning as Benezia padded into view. "What are questions for me? I feel like I could answer anything today!" A white towel draped over one of her shoulders, but otherwise, she wore nothing, and smelled slightly salty.

Liara looked at Benezia with undisguised adoration.

Benezia smiled at her equally adoringly, went and sat beside her and squeezed her shoulders. "Good morning, Luludenia. I'm so glad you joined us." With a light kiss to the top of Liara's crests, Benezia smiled over at Sha'ira. "What are you reading?" She picked up Liara's book. "Protheans: Fact and Fiction…." She laughed. "Of course! My daughter plans to unravel the past, you know." With another squeeze, she rested the side of her head on top of Liara's. "So, Agapi, what can I tell you today, the meaning of life? The joy of sex?" She winked at Sha'ira.

Liara snuggled into her, smiling. "It was nothing."

"It's never that." Benezia looked over at Sha'ira. "Did she tell you she's applying to Serrice?"

"Serrice?" Sha'ira looked askance at Benezia. "Is that wise?"

"They have the foremost experts on the Protheans!" Liara's eyes shone bright. "It's the best place ever."

Benezia lifted and shook her head slightly at Sha'ira. "It will be fine."

"You know, if you want to get a sense of the Protheans, you should visit me at the Citadel. I could take you on a tour, and you could get to know some of their most famous architecture," Sha'ira offered. "You could even bring your aphrodisia."

Liara sat up straight so that she could turn and look her mother in the eye. "Could I? Would you come too?"

"We can certainly consider it." Benezia made to rise.

"Don't go," Liara begged. "You just got here."

"I'm just going to get us drinks. It's warm out."

"I'll do it." Hopping up, Liara quickly crossed the balcony and went through the door into the study. It slammed shut.

Benezia shook her head, leaned back and closed her eyes. "What was she asking you?"

Sha'ira shifted to her belly again, this time with her head at the end closest to Benezia. "She thinks I'm her father. Benny, when are you going to tell her?"

A big sigh lifted and lowered Benezia's chest. "When she's older and might understand. I want them to meet. I'm just not ready yet."

"Well she is." Sha'ira inhaled deeply too. "Benny, your daughter adores you. Nothing's going to change that." Her eyes drifted shut, and a comfortable silence grew between them before she spoke again. "I love this weather, and getting to feel real sunlight for a change. This is my favorite season."

"Mmm, you say that every year…." Benezia tilted her chin up more. "But I don't think there's a season you don't like, 'Ira."