bronny9, thank you for your review. I'm really glad you're happy with the way this is going. Even though Cal is so upset, I thought he'd still be worried about Ethan as it's always been so important for him to protect his little brother. But little brothers can be protective too!
westlife4ever80, I'm not sure how Cal would have coped if Ethan didn't believe him. Or how I could have coped with writing it! Ethan could easily have pushed him away as he often doesn't listen properly to Cal, but luckily this isn't one of those times. Thank you for your review.
CBloom2, thank you for your review. I always think I can't love Ethan any more and then I find a reason! Not so much in recent episodes, but I rewatched his first episode recently and he is so adorable. Though so is Cal! I think Cal's even more amazing than he pretends to think he is.
Tanith Panic, thank you for your review. Cal will need lots of love from Ethan (actually, I wouldn't mind a bit of that!) so I'll do my best to ensure he provides it! The waiting and wondering can be the worst part, but that's all part of the abuse: not just hurting Cal but making him scared.
Ethan did cry once Cal was asleep. He held Cal's head against his chest and turned his face away to let the pillow soak up his tears. He cried silently, holding his brother in his arms and silently swearing that he would do everything he could to help him.
Exactly what he did would depend on what Cal wanted him to do. A part of Ethan wanted to report John to the police right now and ensure he went to prison forever, but that wasn't Ethan's decision to make. It was Cal's. Ethan's job was to support him no matter what.
At last, Ethan's tears stopped and he drifted off to sleep, but it didn't seem very much later that he felt Cal stirring in his arms and awoke instantly, the memories of the night before rushing into his mind as he wrapped his arms more securely around his brother.
"Ethan?" said Cal, frowning slightly as surprise, then concern came into his eyes.
Ethan didn't know what to say. He only wished the memories could remain in Cal's subconscious forever – but Cal needed to know about John in order to keep himself safe. Ethan couldn't be there at every moment – though there was no way he was leaving Cal's side today.
Ethan's heart broke again as he watched Cal remember. Tears welled up again and Ethan spoke to him softly, gathering him close. "I'm here, Cal. I'll always be here."
Cal clung to him for a few minutes, trembling in Ethan's embrace, then he sat up and wiped his tears away. "So what now?"
"That's up to you," said Ethan. "And you don't have to make a decision now." He looked into Cal's frightened eyes and saw a glimpse of the little boy he must have been: lost and bewildered and completely unable to understand why his father was treating him like that. "I need to phone the ED and say we're not coming in today. Do you mind if I use your phone? I don't want to leave you just yet."
He heard Cal's indrawn breath and saw the panic in his eyes. "But we can't… we have to…"
"You're in no state to work and neither am I really: I'll be so worried about you, I'll never be able to concentrate on my patients," said Ethan. "I'll say we're both ill and leave it at that." He smiled and tried a gentle joke. "I'll say you tried cooking for us again."
Cal's lips twitched slightly and he gave a shaky laugh. The sound of it made Ethan feel emotional and he quickly turned away to get Cal's phone, blinking away tears. He thought of all the times Cal had laughed in his life – very often at Ethan – and felt the deepest admiration that he was able to laugh; able to carry on with his life and become a doctor despite what he'd experienced as a child. Ethan doubted even one day could pass without Cal thinking of it.
Ethan blinked hard, swallowed, and picked up Cal's phone.
"Ethan?" whispered Cal from behind him.
Ethan turned to face him. "Yes, Cal? I'm here."
"Please tell her the truth."
"Mrs Beauchamp?" said Ethan, startled. "About... no, I can't, Cal. I can't."
"I don't want you to lie," said Cal, looking sadly at Ethan. "I know you hate lying."
Ethan was touched. He could tell Cal didn't want Connie to know, but he was thinking of Ethan.
Cal had always seemed so selfish; he'd seemed to think of no-one but himself. But perhaps he'd been thinking of Ethan all along.
"I do hate lying, Cal, but this is a very private matter," said Ethan at last. "We're under no obligation to tell Mrs Beauchamp what D… what he did to you. If you want me to tell her, then of course I can, but there are some things even Mrs Beauchamp doesn't have the right to know. I really would leave it a while. Maybe we'll need to tell her eventually so she can support you, but we shouldn't tell her unless you're ready."
Cal considered for a moment, his hand reaching out towards Ethan's. Ethan held it tightly.
"I could always tell her we need the day off because of a very private family matter?" suggested Ethan. "I don't think she'll ask too many questions."
Cal nodded in relief, a smile of gratitude coming to his face as he looked at Ethan. "Yes. Please say that, Ethan."
Ethan smiled back and squeezed his brother's hand.
A few days passed. Cal gradually told Ethan everything. It was difficult for Cal, both because it was difficult for him to think about it and because he didn't want to give Ethan too many shocks at once. His brother had been so strong, but Cal knew he was shocked and hurting. No-one as caring as Ethan could fail to be so, but he rarely showed any signs of his feelings. His focus was entirely on Cal.
When Cal said he was ready to go back to work, Ethan looked at him in concern and asked if he was sure, but Cal nodded. "I have to go back sooner or later. I don't think waiting is going to make it any easier. But Ethan…"
"Yes?" said Ethan at once, taking Cal's hand in his as his eyes promised he'd do everything in his power to help Cal.
Cal looked fearful, then embarrassed. "I don't want to go back to work unless you're working too."
"Of course I'll be working," said Ethan, as though nothing else had occurred to him. "And… I know this is an odd thing to suggest, but perhaps it would be easier if your first day back is in Resus? Then we'll have less contact with the waiting room and be less accessible to patients."
Cal looked at him in relief and wonder. It had amazed him frequently over the last few days how well Ethan understood. He would never say so out loud – not after all the support Ethan had showed him – but understanding Cal's desires and needs hadn't always been something Ethan found easy. He'd make up his own mind about Cal without really speaking to him about it. He already had a picture in his mind of what Cal was like and his mind naturally translated everything Cal said into something that would fit that picture.
Until now.
Now, Ethan's picture of Cal had changed. Cal had worried at first that Ethan saw him as a weaker person, but when he'd tentatively asked Ethan, Ethan had hastened to put those fears to rest.
"No, Cal. I don't think you're weak. I think you're immeasurably strong. You were made to feel weak and worthless every day of your life as a child, but you didn't let that stop you from achieving your dreams. I used to think you were weak because you were so indecisive and uncommitted, but it's difficult to make decisions or commit to anything when you're sure you'll fail. It's difficult to do what you want when you don't believe you can do it. And you had no support, Cal. Mum would have supported you in everything and so would I, but that was probably always outweighed by what D- what he said to us. But once you'd left him, you weren't just free of his influence. You were also free of our support. I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you and I'm so proud of what you achieved. I mean that, Cal. I am humbled and awed by your courage. I can only dream of being more like you."
Cal looked a him in confusion. "But you're brilliant, Ethan. You passed medical school first time. You passed MCEM first time. I bet you'll pass FCEM first time too."
"But I didn't have anyone telling me I couldn't do it," said Ethan simply. "Or at least no-one who was supposed to be one of the most important people in my life."
"Neither did I," said Cal. "I'd lost all contact with him then."
"I know, but that doesn't change the past," said Ethan. "You'll still have the memories; the echoes of what he said. And I do know that can be difficult. You know I was bullied at school. Sometimes I still hear those voices in my mind. But for you, it would have been so much worse. A parent is so much more important than a random group of people at school. I do think, in a way, Dad didn't know you because he didn't see all the good in you. He only saw the version of you he'd constructed in his mind. But how could a child understand the concept of a parent not knowing them? And once you've been treated like that as a child, it becomes so ingrained in your mind as fact, your adult self can't separate one person's opinion from the real facts."
Cal looked at Ethan in admiration. "How do you know all that?"
"Partly from my job," said Ethan. "Partly from medical school – I'm sure you learned a bit about how to detect signs of abuse and how to know who to refer to the psych team, but I went into it a bit more deeply than that. And also…" Ethan paused for a moment, his face filling with sadness. "And perhaps, in a subconscious sort of way, I saw enough of what happened between you and… and John to teach me something about abuse, even though I didn't know what was happening. I don't know. But it makes sense to me. A lot of things make sense that I could never understand. That's partly why you frustrated me so much." He gripped Cal's hand more tightly. "But I'm not frustrated by you now, Cal. I admire you. Very much. And I'll be there beside you when you go back to work."
